


Silence In The Library

by BringMeTheSky



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Experienced Ben Solo, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Happy Ever After Delivery, Idiots in Love, Librarian Rey, Nightmares, No Babies, No Pregnancy, Not really a slow burn, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), author wants to be forgiven, but it doesn't actually happen and isn't described, like not immediate shenanigans but not slow, moody author Ben Solo, references to past attempted sexual assault, serious fluff down the line, tags will be updated as story develops, the smut arrives in chapter 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 126,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26179915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BringMeTheSky/pseuds/BringMeTheSky
Summary: ***COMPLETE***Rey Kanata's previous life couldn't exactly be described as easy, but these days she has a home, a stable job, and a budding friendship with her fellow Library Assistant Rose Tico. Everything should be perfect... but she finds herself, still, plagued by the loneliness that has seemed to follow her all her life. That is until a tall, dark and brooding stranger starts coming into the library, and Rey takes on a personal challenge to actually make him smile.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 501
Kudos: 763
Collections: Ben and Rey Multiverses





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first modern-AU I have ever written, so I'm writing what I know (I'm a Librarian.) It's set in the UK, and all the characters are British, except for Ben and his family. 
> 
> Title is shamelessly stolen from a Doctor Who episode (many moons ago I was a River/11 ficcer.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

The murmur of hushed voices accompanies Rey as she pushes the trolley of books across the floor of the library. It isn’t the trolley with the squeaky wheels, the one they call “The Squealer”, thank goodness, so she’s able to move amongst the library patrons without causing too much commotion. Now she's been working here for a couple of months, she’s beginning to recognise some of the library users, or at least _types_ of library users.

There are the regulars, those who come in every day to read the newspapers. She already knows their faces well. They’re the ones who stand waiting at the front door and ready to stride into the library at 9am on the dot, rushing to stake first claim to their favourite newspaper. A few of them look up at her and she nods and smiles at them as she passes them by.

Then there are the very elderly folks, wrinkle-faced and almost always friendly and solicitous, those for whom the public library has always been a bit of an institution. Only a few of them have been captured by the draw of e-books or e-audio books, of which the library does offer a good selection. They prefer the comforting weight of a book in their hands and the sounds the pages make as they turn. Even though she mostly uses her tablet or phone to read, Rey keeps physical copies of all her favourite books in her own mini-library at home, so she can relate to how they feel. Down in the basement where the stacks of older books are kept, there’s a certain smell she loves. It’s something like dust and dried paper, and it carries the weight of millions of words just waiting to be unlocked. These older patrons come every couple of weeks to exchange their piles of Mills and Boon romances, westerns, or large print books. The Mills and Boon books often have ridiculous titles, like “The Count's Wayward Mistress,” or “Untamed Millionaire, Undressed Virgin”. A couple of days ago, Rey had found one called “The Librarian's Sexy Secret,” and she'd showed it to Rose, both of them collapsing in giggles as they read from it to each other.

There are the students taking advantage of the relative quiet of the space, noses in their books and fingers blotched with ink as they work on their essays and assignments. They chew on their pens and huff out big sighs as they work, sometimes looking stressed, sometimes confused. She doesn’t envy them.

Then there are those who come in seeking shelter from the biting winds outside, those who either have no home at all, or else those who have a home so unsafe that they seek to be anywhere but there. Rey can recognise them immediately, see the hopelessness and loneliness in their eyes. She makes an extra effort to talk to them, to try and help them as much as the library’s limited resources allow. She _knows_ these people's struggles and the isolation that eats at them. Once, that struggle had been her own, and what she had craved for then was a kind word, a warm smile, a place to just be _safe_ for a time. It warms her heart that the Library is such a place for them.

The staff aren't really supposed to let people fall asleep on the grey Ikea sofas littered around the library, but Rey always turns a blind eye, conscious that for many of these individuals their night time environment isn't conducive towards sleep. She remembers the chaos and turmoil of her last foster home, remembers Unkar Plutt, the carer that had finally sent her running out into the world with his lecherous words and sickening advances. That time of her life, when she had bounced from foster home to foster home had been marked by an ever present exhaustion and hunger. Books had been her escape then, a way to flee the hardships of her everyday life, and in so many ways those imaginary worlds had kept her sane during that tumultuous time. After she had run from Plutt, she had lived for a time without a home, on the streets - a precarious existence for a 16 year old girl alone. When she was homeless, she had missed her books terribly, and fretted over the fact that Plutt would undoubtedly throw her small collection away. Instead of escaping into faraway worlds, she had found herself scavenging in the large bins behind the supermarkets at the end of the day for out of date food. She had stolen from market stalls and from shops just to keep her fed for the next 24 hours, or for items to help her get by. She had shivered the nights away in a stolen blanket, tucked away in doorways.

In the end, a charitable agency that helped homeless youth had helped her to get back onto her feet. She would be ever grateful to the lavender haired support worker called Amilyn Holdo who had helped her to sort out an address, a bank account, and an initial job working part time doing admin. She'd worked that job for a few years, always keeping herself to herself, and gently pushing away anyone who tried to reach out to her in friendship, still too vulnerable to trust. When a job came up at the large public library in the next town over, she had jumped at the chance, preparing to within an inch of her life for the interview, reading up and researching online for any information she could find. She had landed the job, and then secured a studio flat on the border of the town. It hadn't taken much effort to move her meagre belongings.

Rey reaches the bays of books she's looking for and begins shelving the books on her trolley. It's mind numbing work, and she loves it. It's somehow soothing to put the books back in the right places, and to tidy bits of the shelf that are out of order. And of course, there's always the opportunity to peek at the books as she goes.

Her life is so different now, than the time she spent on the streets. She’s twenty now, no longer a teenager, and somehow moving out of her teen years feels a little like leaving that part of her life behind. She has a home. Yes, it may only be a tiny studio flat, one single room with a kitchenette and a bathroom, but it's all _hers_ . It's in a half-decent area and the neighbours aren't too bad, she at least feels safe there. She has a job that she loves, and she thinks she might have a budding friendship with Rose, the sweet jet black haired library assistant who works the same shifts as her. It's a tender fledgling thing, and she cradles it carefully in her hands. She doesn't really know how to have friends or how to act around them, and she’s afraid of accidentally pushing too hard and too fast. Mostly she’s afraid of getting hurt. She's always kept her walls high and secure, but Rose’s easy manner, sisterly camaraderie and kind nature has begun to breach those walls, and she’s glad of it.

And if at night she feels lonely in her little home, she just lights some incense and puts on one of her many Spotify playlists, allowing the sweet scent and the music wash over her, trying to ignore the gnawing ache at the core of her.

It's once she has shelved all her books and is pushing her trolley back to the central desk that she notices him. He's sat at one of the tables against the wall in the fiction area, with his laptop plugged in and tapping away at the keys, a frown furrowing his brow. Something about him catches her eye, drawing her to him, so she stops at a nearby shelf, fiddling with the books on it, pretending to put them in order. She watches as he leans back in his chair, running his hands through his hair. His face is a mish mash of features that shouldn't really go together. A long aquiline nose, full lips and a wide mouth that would perhaps be more suited to a woman. His face is just a little long to be conventionally handsome, with prominent cheekbones. His eyes look intense, and he closes them in something like frustration as he runs his hand through a thick mane of dark hair again.

Something about him calls to her, in the same way that it calls to her when she encounters those many library patrons who are down and out on their luck. He is well dressed though, in black jeans and dark grey shirt, with decent shoes. Rey cocks her head. His expression is sad and serious as he studies his laptop screen, and his eyes have a slightly empty look that she thinks she might recognise.

Rey wonders what he's working on, on his laptop. Whatever it is, it's obviously frustrating him.

He glances up and meets Rey's eye, his eyes widening slightly as he realises he's being watched. She feels herself blush, but still flashes him what she hopes is a warm smile. He looks at her with an utterly perplexed expression on his face, dark eyes boring into hers. He doesn't smile back, and Rey quickly grows self-conscious and breaks her gaze, blushing a little. She watches out of the corner of her eye as he slams his laptop closed and pulls on a long black woolen coat and a grey scarf, before striding from the library as though annoyed. She takes in a breath she didn't realise she was holding as she frowns after him.

She pushes the book trolley back to the desk, where Rose sits in front of a computer screen..

“Did you see that guy just now?” She’s still slightly breathless and slightly flushed with embarrassment at being caught staring, and Rose looks at her curiously.

“The ridiculously tall one in black that swooped by the desk looking all moody? Yeah.” Rose replies.

“Have you seen him before?”

Rose peers at her over the top of her thick rimmed bright green glasses. “Yeah, he started coming in a week ago when you were on leave. Sits there typing away on his laptop. Always in black or grey or navy, looking like the dark lord of something.” Rose's voice turns suspicious, “Why? He doesn't look like one of your usual special cases.”

In fact Rey is asking herself the same question. He isn't like one of her ‘special cases’ as Rose puts it, by which she means the lonely and drifting souls who come in the Library and that Rey makes a special effort to help, to be kind to, to talk to. There was just _something_ about him that grabbed her attention, that look in his eyes maybe, or perhaps his unusual looks. She shakes her head at herself. His response to her smile hadn't exactly been welcoming.

“Ah, it's nothing, I was just wondering if you'd seen him before,“ she replies, turning away and busying herself with stacking another trolley full of books.

*

That evening at home, her studio flat seems even colder that usual. After scarfing down a microwave meal, Rey puts on one of her playlists and bundles herself up in blankets on the sofa with a new sci-fi novel. Tonight though, she finds it hard to escape into the imaginary galaxy the book paints, filled with droids, starship battles and the eternal battle between dark and light. She can't seem to get warm, and even though her music is playing there seems to be a cold silence underlying everything. She shifts to her side on the sofa, leaning into the back of it and curling up, imagining that she is leaning against another warm form, that she is sharing body heat with someone. Tears trickle down her cheeks, and she swallows down on the sadness rising in her throat. She falls asleep like that, and comes awake in the morning tangled in the blankets and shivering.

*

She sees him again a number of times over the next couple of weeks. He has a long stride which always carries him swiftly past the main desk, and Rey wonders several times how tall he actually is. Six foot two at least, surely. He's never dressed in anything other than dark colours, and he’s always carrying his laptop and a large cup of lidded coffee. He sits there for a few hours tapping away and running his fingers through his dark hair over and over again until it's mussed and all over the place. There's no pattern to the days he comes or the times he arrives and leaves, Rey notices. He never speaks to anyone and he never once smiles, preferring to keep his eyes down as he leaves and enters the library. His features never grow any less fascinating to her, and eventually she grudgingly admits to herself that he’s actually kind of beautiful.

“He must have just moved to the area,” Rey muses one day, as she stands with Rose at the main desk. “I've never seen him before.” She glances up at his strangely handsome face, his brow furrowed in concentration as he chews his bottom lip, beating out a tattoo on the keys of his laptop.

“What do you think he does?” Rose asks in a low voice filled with mischief. “I think he's a secret author. I think he writes Mills and Boons, in fact I bet he's writing one right now “The Dark Lord and His Virgin Princess” or something like that.” They both collapse into giggles and Rey can't help but snort loudly, winning them an annoyed glance from several of the nearby patrons who sit studying the newspapers.

Rey determinedly shoves books onto her trolley as Rose continues. “He seems much too moody to be a Mills and Boon author though, maybe he's a horror writer, he has that slightly gothy look about him, and he never smiles.”

“I dunno,” Rey muses. “I bet I can make him smile.”

“No way you can. The dark lord smiles for no-one,” Rose tells her firmly.

“Bet you a coffee I can,” Rey replies, pushing her trolley of books around the desk, and heading to the fiction area, where he has ensconced himself in one of the comfortable bucket chairs.

She stops at the end of a nearby shelf, parking her trolley, and picks up a pile of books that, if she’s honest, is probably way too big for her. She approaches the area close to where he's seated, intending to put the books away while she works up her nerve to talk to him. She's just about to take off the top one to shelve, when suddenly the slippery plastic covers of the books slide against each other and her pile overbalances, toppling to the floor. One of them lands on his foot, and as Rey stands there mortified, he looks up at her blankly.

“Sorry,” Rey rushes out. “Butterfingers.”

“It's fine, here let me help.” His voice is warm and dark, like melted chocolate, and Rey’s brain stutters for a moment, before registering that it’s not an English accent.

“You're American,” she says, standing there stupidly while he gathers up the books.

“I'm aware,” he replies with an amused tone, and Rey berates herself for the stupid stupid comment, willing herself not to blush. He's even taller and broader at this proximity, and Rey can almost sense the hard lines of muscle that are corded under his black long sleeved top. He holds out the pile of books to her and she realises she's just stood there and dumbly looked at him while he picked up all of the books.

“Sorry. I mean thanks. But sorry I didn't help.” For fucks sake what's wrong with her? She's stuttering and stammering like a schoolgirl. The other day, Rose had said that she thought he looked like one of those weird Balinese cats, and had showed Rey a picture on her phone. Rey couldn’t deny the resemblance, but there is something almost hypnotically fascinating about his face. She chooses to look down as he hands her the books, focusing on not dropping them again.

“You're very welcome,” he mutters in his deep voice as Rey deposits the books back on the trolley. By the time she turns around he's back tapping away at his keyboard, dammit, his face closed off and intense eyes studying the screen.

She moves a little closer and clears her throat, and he looks up at her curiously, as if he had completely forgotten she was there. She flashes him a shy smile and the corner of one of his lips quirks slightly in what couldn't quite be described as a smile. Certainly not enough for her to win her coffee bet.

“Can I ask you something?” she ventures tentatively, and he leans back in his seat looking thoroughly confused at why she's even talking to him.

“Yes, sure” he replies easily in his rolling accent.

Now she's closer Rey can study his eyes. They're a beautiful deep brown and his gaze is intense, and as he looks at her she can feel the weight of that regard, can almost taste the hollow sadness she can see in the corner of his eyes.

“My friend Rose and I,” she gestures vaguely back at the desk. “We wondered if you were a writer. An author. Or if you were just doing work. Or studying.”

He raises his eyebrows at her interest “Being an author is the plan, it’s my first book” he replies, before running his hands through his lush hair and glancing at his screen.

“What are you writing?” Rey asks curiously.

“It's...a story,” he replies unhelpfully.

“Well, maybe it'll end up on our shelves here one day,” Rey smiles at him brightly. “You'll have to let me know when it's published, I'll make sure to read it. And then when you’re a world famous author, I can tell everyone about the day I met you in the Library and dropped a book on your foot.”

And there it is....he smiles back. He doesn't show his teeth, just lifts the corners of his lips, but his mouth is wide and the smile seems to fill his whole face. It reaches his eyes and they crinkle. It transforms his face from a cold kind of beauty to a warm attractiveness.

“That would be quite a claim to fame,” he admits.

“Well, I'll need to know your name then,” she tells him. “You know, so I can look out for the book, when it comes out.”

His smile creeps wider. “Kylo.” he replies. “Kylo Ren.”

It's so unusual that she's sure it must be a pen name, but what the hell. She has both a smile and a name, and Rey's happy with that.

“Rey,” she says. “Rey Kanata,” holding out her hand. He looks at it for a moment as though he's surprised it's been offered, and Rey thinks for a moment that he won't take it, but he reaches out and long warm fingers wrap hers.

“Nice to meet you Rey Kanata.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey Kanata's previous life couldn't exactly be described as easy, but these days she has a home, a stable job, and a budding friendship with her fellow Library Assistant Rose Tico. Everything should be perfect... but she finds herself, still, plagued by the loneliness that has seemed to follow her all her life. That is until a tall, dark and brooding stranger starts coming into the library, and Rey takes on a personal challenge to actually make him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Over the next few weeks she sees him again and again, always at random times of day. This time though, if he’s passing by her when he enters or leaves the library, he actually meets her eye. Some days he looks tired, sad and stressed, blue shadows under his eyes suggesting that he isn’t sleeping properly. There’s an air of defeat in his posture and he seems to somehow curl in onto himself, making himself seem smaller. On those days his mouth remains a flat line and he just nods at her, laying his intense gaze on her for a few seconds. Rey can see a weary look in his eyes, and she wonders what it is that so obviously sometimes haunts his nights. Other days his mood seems lighter, and then he gifts her with a smile, a curling of the corners of his lips, a smile which Rey returns tenfold.

“You like him don't you?” Rose whispers at her one day after Rey has beamed at him.

“I...I don't know him,” she answers evasively.

Rose snorts, “Give it up Rey, I've seen the way you look at him.”

Rey blushes, batting at Rose with a paperback. “Shhh, Tico, it's a library.”

“I still think he looks like that cat I showed you online the other day,” Rose mutters.

“He does not!” Rey hisses at her.

“Oh yeah. You're totally hot for him,” Rose retorts. “You could just ask him out, you know. Just for a coffee or something. You both like coffee. He looks at you too, you know.”

“Hmmm,” Rey hums non-comittally. “I couldn't...I mean I've never...”

“Never asked anyone out?” Rose queries.

Actually, what Rey has never done is have any type of romantic relationship with anyone. Her previous life was too unstable to form any such bond, and it’s only in very recent times that she’s begun to open up to the idea of actually letting people get close to her. Sure, there were a couple of clumsy kisses she shared at school in her teens, but nothing ever went any further than that. Now confronted with somebody that she’s actually attracted to, the idea of asking him out, of potentially being rejected by him, is terrifying. Plus, he doesn't seem like a ‘date’ type of person. He's moody and intense, frequently seems grumpy and seems to forgo social niceties to the point of rudeness. Well, _apart from with me_ , she thinks, but then quickly stamps down on the small flicker of hope that seems to move deep inside her.

“No,” Rey says firmly, to Rose. “No. He's not for me.”

Deep down though, part of her knows she is lying to herself.

*

It's 8.15am and Rey is standing in line at Maz’s coffee shop. It's cold outside, that sort of late autumn air that heralds the coming darkness of winter, and she's bundled up in her forest green winter coat made of good wool, one of the best charity shop finds she's ever had. Her cable knit rust coloured hat is still pulled down over her ears, and her matching scarf is still wound around her neck but she's taken off her thick gloves, in the same beautiful rusty shade, and stuffed them in her pockets. She's nearly to the front of the queue, and absorbed in daydreaming about her forthcoming gingerbread latte, when she feels a large presence looming behind her. She turns, and looks up...and up...and up some more, into untidy dark brown hair, flopping into a brow that caps off deep brown eyes. She’s momentarily startled to see Kylo before her, until she remembers he’s a coffee fiend like herself. He must be coming into the library early today, and it’s obviously coincided with her habitual morning visit to the coffee shop. Now she's up really close she can appreciate how ridiculously tall he actually is. It suits him, as does the long black coat and expensive looking scarf that’s wound around his pale throat. She swallows nervously.

For his part, he looks equally startled to see her looking up at him. He actually gives her a roguish lop-sided smile she’s never seen from him before, taking her by surprise, and Rey's heart stutters a little before she smiles back at him. Her mind seems to have emptied, and she’s trying desperately to think of something to say, when he nods behind her to the Maz who's serving at the till today and waiting for her order.

Rey whips around “Oh! Sorry. A large gingerbread latte with whipped cream please.”

The diminutive woman peers at her through lenses thick as bottle-glass, before turning her gaze to Kylo and giving him the once over before nodding to herself as if in confirmation.

“No problem, child,” Maz tells her. “One gingerbread latte coming up,” she calls to the barista who immediately begins hurtling around making the drink. ‘Child’ is Maz’s preferred term of endearment for her, and Rey doesn’t really mind, because Maz is so ancient that presumably everyone is a child to her.

Before Rey can get her purse open a large hand moves in front of hers, holding a bank card.

“And a large cappuccino too,” a deep voice adds.

“Oh, you don't have to,” Rey exclaims, flushing.

“It's fine,” he says in his deep chocolatey tone, giving her that disarming lopsided smile again, brown eyes gazing at her as if he could see right through to the very core of her.

“Oh, well thanks very much,” she replies brightly.

Maz is smiling secretively to herself as she swipes the card, and Rey wonders what’s going on in the woman’s head. She’s had a couple of pieces of unexpected and unsolicited advice out of Maz in the few months she’s been going to the coffee shop, most of which has turned out to be surprisingly valuable. The woman just seems to _know_ things, and Rey has learned to listen to her. She guesses that it just comes with Maz’s long lived experience.

They move to the side of the counter while the drinks are prepared, and Rey nervously twists a napkin in her fingers, while Kylo stands large and imposing next to her.

“Are you on your way into work?” His voice is so soft that she barely catches it.

“Yep...to the library,” she replies, immediately mentally kicking herself once again. Why is she so bloody stupid around this man? Obviously she works at the library, it's not as though he doesn't see her there several times a week .

“Me too. Can I walk you there?” he asks, not really meeting her eye as he does so, “I mean, that’s if you don’t mind,” he adds when she doesn’t answer immediately.

“Um. Yeah, of course. That would be cool,” Rey rushes out. The barista serves up their drinks, and Rey pops the lid on hers, adding two brown sugars and stirring it vigorously.

Kylo raises one eyebrow at her. “Two sugars in a gingerbread latte,” he muses. “Sweet tooth?”

“Yeah, well I didn't get many sweets as a kid. Have to take advantage now while I can,” Rey says slightly defensively, looking at him over the rim of the mug as she sips the ridiculously sweet brew. “Mmmm, just right.”

Kylo looks sceptical. “If you say so,” he huffs, with what Rey thinks might actually be a slight laugh. Progress, then.

She tugs her thick gloves back on, picking up her drink with both hands, and he holds the door for her as they leave the coffee shop. They meander across the town hall square, sipping at their coffee. Small grey pigeons strut across the ashy sandstone of the town hall that towers over them, and a weak winter sun breaks the grey in two as it peeks over the horizon.

“How's the story going?” she asks.

“Pretty good,” he answers. And god, she loves his accent so much. “I'm editing at the moment, it's kind of painstaking and there's a lot to do, but I'm getting there I think.”

“Still not going to tell me what it's about?” she teases, and this time she does actually get a proper laugh out of him. She likes the way he laughs, it’s unaffected and infectious.

“You'll see-” he begins.

“-once it's on the library shelf,” she finishes. “Can't blame a girl for being curious.” She sips at her drink, watching him as he watches her.

“I guess not,” he says finally. “You are a librarian after all.”

“Well, you know what they say,” she quips. “You can take the girl out of the library, but you can’t take the librarian out of the girl!”

He looks at her, his eyes amused, and Rey sips at her coffee again to avoid having to meet his gaze.

“Hopefully...” he says softly, “eventually there will be 3 of my books on the library shelf. I’m signed for a trilogy.”

“You are?” Rey gasps. “That’s fantastic!!! You’ll have to come and do an author talk at the Library!” She nudges at his arms with hers shoulder playfully as they walk and he shoots her another amused look.

She’s arrived for work earlier than usual this morning, and the library isn't open to the public yet. As if by unspoken mutual consent, they both drift towards one of the wooden benches that litter the town hall square. She sits, and he hovers uncertainly for a moment, before Rey pats the bench invitingly. Taking her literally, he sits right next to her rather than at the other end of the bench, and Rey swallows, her mouth suddenly dry with nerves. She sips at her sweet spicy drink and watches him out of the corner of her eye as the watery light of the winter sun catches on the angles of his face.

“So, I'd never seen you in the library before until a few weeks ago,” she asks, and he turns to face her, his face slightly pensive. “Are you new to England?”

“For all intents and purposes, yes. I came here as a child, but I don’t remember it all,” he replies, looking away again and swallowing as if he’s as nervous as she is. He doesn’t offer her any more than that. Rey’s not usually good at making conversation, but she guesses he isn’t either, and if they don’t want to sit there in an increasingly awkward silence, then she needs to press on.

“What brought you here?” She asks. “Family? Friends? Escaping from a cult?”

“I just really needed to get away,” he replies. “I needed a fresh start somewhere ...anonymous.” He gestures around.

She barks a laugh. “Yeah, this town is certainly that,” she affirms, not offended by his description of this faded Northern former mill town. “What on earth made you pick here?”

“I flew into Manchester, and just sort of ended up on a train. Then I randomly got off here and thought this was as good a place as any.”

He's so obviously running away from something, and Rey understands that. When she had finally got off the streets, all she wanted to do was erase her entire past life and start over afresh, as if making a different life for herself could blot out the pain of her childhood and adolescence. She also knows it’s not that simple or straightforward. A person carries their past with them every day and the weight of that past can become a cage of their own making, if they let it. Rey knows this in her bones on the nights when the loneliness really seems to bite hard, and she feels caged within its jaws. She wonders what he carries with him and if he’s lonely too, if those things are what drew her to him.

“Were you a writer before?” she dares softly.

He looks at her again, pinning her with that intense gaze. “No. I was doing something else,” Rey holds her breath and her silence, wondering if he will expand on that, but he doesn't. “I guess you could say in some ways I've always been a writer,” he tells her finally. “I used to write all the time when I was a kid and a teenager. Then for a long while it wasn’t really possible, so I just used to sort of write in my head. I’d create stories and worlds, and with no chance to put them down on paper I just had to try my best to remember as much as I could. But now I actually have the time and space to write properly again, and it feels amazing.”

Rey sort of wants to explore what circumstances had stopped him writing for so long - he so obviously loves and thrives on it, that it makes her curious what could have put a stop to that. But his eyes have become closed off, and he schools his face into a mask of impassivity even as she watches, as if he can sense her curiosity. She decides not to probe any more on his past. Everyone’s entitled to their own secrets, and goodness knows she isn’t exactly proud of her past and wouldn’t want to be shouting _I used to be a thief and a scavenger_ from the hilltops.

“So do you do all your writing in the library?” she wonders. He’s not there all day everyday, so she wonders if he has favourite places to write, just as she has her favourite places to go to read.

“No, actually I do most of my writing at home,” he replies softly. “I come to the library when I can't stand being at home alone any more.”

And with that sentence, which rings so familiarly to her, Rey feels a sudden rush of profound empathy for him. That empty look she thought she recognised in the back of his eyes the first time she ever saw him - _loneliness_. It’s a feeling as intimate and familiar to her as an old friend, and for a very long time was her _only_ friend. She can relate to home being a lonely place, to that overwhelming feeling when it becomes unbearable to be there for a moment longer. Much as she loves her little flat, every weekend is a battle against the rising sense of isolation. She tries to keep herself busy, cleaning, running, going swimming, walking. But all of it is done by herself.

As he’s so new to an unfamiliar foreign country, she guesses he doesn't have many, if any, friends yet.

“I don't like being at home alone either,” she admits to him softly, and he looks at her as if surprised. “I'm fairly new to the town as well,” she explains. “I moved here for the job, I've only been at the library for about 4 months. Apart from work colleagues, I don't really know anybody here.”

He smiles at her. “Well, you're not alone. Now you know me,” he tells her.

Rey smiles in response. “And now you know me, so neither are you,” she says back.

Then they're looking at each other, both of them smiling at the other, and there’s a fizzing tension building between them as they hold each other’s gaze just a little too long than is strictly socially acceptable. However, he doesn’t seem to mind, and Rey’s mind seems to have emptied itself of all thought about how to function like a normal human being, so she just goes with it. The town hall clock suddenly chimes 9am, and both of them jump slightly, even though it’s not especially loud.

Reality floods back in and Rey realises that she’s already late for work, having completely lost track of time.

“Oh shoot, I have to go. The doors will be open to the public now though.” She tells him, standing quickly and looking anxiously across at the library.

He nods, stands, and together they walk across the square.

*

Rose's eyebrows nearly ascend into her hairline when Rey walks into the main part of the library with Kylo Ren striding at her side. He nods at Rose before swerving off to settle himself at one of the tables with his laptop and Rey ducks her head before Rose can catch her eye again, pulling off her gloves and hat as she rushes to the cloakroom. She untangles herself from her scarf and slides her coat off, before smoothing her hair out and putting her lip gloss on, then heads back up to the library.

Her colleague’s eyebrows are still raised when she gets to the desk, and Rey wonders if they've actually got stuck there. Rose pulls her round to the other side of the shelves out of sight of Kylo.

“Spill,” she demands.

Rey rolls her eyes. “I was at Maz's and he joined the queue behind me. He paid for my coffee, and then we went and sat on one of the benches and talked.”

“And?” Rose prompts.

“And what?” asks Rey.

“Well technically he's already taken you out for coffee I guess. When's the second date?”

“Rose,” she sputters “It wasn't a date. We just bumped into each other, that's all. Honestly, I think the guy just needs a friend.” _I think he's lonely like me_ , Rey's mind unhelpfully supplies. “I doubt he'd be interested.”

Rose tsks at her. “Don't sell yourself short, you're perfectly gorgeous in every way. Plus you're super smiley, and goodness knows that guy needs someone smiley to balance out all the brooding.”

Rey just shrugs noncommittally and swipes some books off the shelf for shelving.

*

After that, he just disappears.

Two weeks go by and despite Rey looking up hopefully every time the library door opens, he doesn't reappear. She doesn’t see him at Maz’s getting his usual cappuccino. He doesn’t come striding into the library, all long legs and brooding energy. He’s just...gone.

One day Rose looks at her with compassion and pats her arm sympathetically, when for the four hundredth time she looks up as the library doors open.

“I guess he's gone,” Rey admits, “Maybe he went back to the U.S.”

He's disappeared from her life just as quickly as he appeared, and Rey feels weirdly sad that she never really had the chance to get to know him. She can't quite explain to anyone else the strange connection she felt between them, because it might just sound like quasi-mystical rubbish, and it could in fact be all in her head, but she was so sure she had felt a type of kinship with him, some sort of bond. _Someone else as lonely as you_ , her mind whispers, _Someone to help chase away the darkness._

“Come round to mine this Saturday night?” Rose interrupts her thoughts, after watching Rey's pensive expression for a few moments. “My friends Finn and Poe are coming around, we're gonna get some pizza and watch some rubbish movies. I'm sure you'll love Finn and Poe.”

Rey looks at her suspiciously, “I'm not being set up on a date am I?”

Rose laughs. “God, no. Finn and Poe are in a relationship. Just friends, beer, pizza and crap films. That's all that's on offer.” Rose puts her hand on Rey's arm, her voice encouraging. “Come on Rey, I think it'll do you good.”

And it does do her good, in the end. It's one less Saturday night spent alone at home and Rose's friends are hilarious. Finn is super friendly, with a bright smile that he bestows on people freely and easily, and she immediately feels at home with him. Poe is both roguish and charming, and shamelessly flirts with her while Finn rolls his eyes at his antics. She gets very slightly drunk, eats way too much pizza and popcorn and watches some truly awful movies.

*

It's a Monday. The sky is grey-blue bruise, clouds hanging low over the town and there's a fine rain everywhere, the type that soaks right down to the bone. Along with a late October cold , it's a horrible day, and Rey pulls her hat down firmly over her ears as she steps out from the library doorway.

The sandstone of the civic centre looks dull in this gloom, and Rey shivers as she pulls her gloves on. It’s been a crap morning. The inclement weather seems to have brought everybody in the town centre into the library, seeking out the dry and the warmth. A high percentage of the patrons have apparently decided that today is the day to track down that book that they read years ago, but can’t remember the title or the name of the author of, just that _It has a blue cover_. The newspapers haven’t been delivered that morning as their newsagent is unexpectedly closed due to illness in the family - much to the outrage of the 9am prompt patrons. Lastly, she’s spent a not insignificant portion of the morning wrestling, to no avail, with a recalcitrant printer that insists it has a phantom paper jam, while increasingly frustrated patrons looked on waiting for their printouts.

Coffee. She needs coffee. And cake. Possibly two slices – and though that's not really a well rounded lunch, Rey hopes it might improve the day somewhat.

As she walks through the town she tries to ignore the bright baubles and shining lights in the shop windows. Christmas always seems to come too early to Rey, it is after all only bloody October. Yet the shops are already filled with their Christmas wares and their decorations, and Rey can feel the month of December coming upon her in a rush. This Christmas, she will be doing what she does every year; staying in her pyjamas all day, eating a disgusting amount of chocolate and cake, drinking some good wine (top shelf – she treats herself at this time of year) and dozing off on the sofa after the Doctor Who Christmas special. Alone.

The bell on Maz's door jingles as she enters the little cafe, and she's momentarily frozen as she looks across the shop. Her heart leaps at first because _he's there_. He’s sat at one of the tables at the far end of the shop, his limbs folded inelegantly, legs so long that the chair looks like a child's seat underneath him. He's brushing back his hair with his hand, mussing it up like he always does. He looks wild and gorgeous, and Rey can already begin to feel her day improve immeasurably.

She starts to move towards the back of the cafe to speak to him, and he begins to stand, unfolding himself from the comically small seat. Rey thinks he’s seen her and is rising to greet her, and her heart drums a fast tattoo in her chest. But it's then that another figure stands, and she finally sees the woman he's with. She’s tall and elegant, with deep black hair coiled into an updo. Her heels seem unnaturally high, the type of shoes that Rey could never imagine wearing in a million years, and her style of dress is both severe and yet effortlessly stylish. Expertly applied black eyeliner and bright red lipstick complete the look. As Rey looks on Kylo is laughing – _actually laughing_. They both stand, and she watches with a sinking heart as they embrace, and Kylo kisses the woman on the cheek. Rey watches as the woman click-clacks past on her heels on her way out of the coffee shop. There’s no doubt she’s gorgeous. She has a sort of harsh beauty about her, and while she wouldn’t have pegged her as the type Kylo would be attracted to, she supposes it stands to reason that a gorgeous guy like him would have no trouble attracting beautiful women.

She supposes that she should be glad that he's found someone, someone to warm the cold and lonely bite of the encroaching winter, but instead she just feels numb. She orders a coffee, and as he catches her eye from across the shop and waves her over, she simply offers him a wan smile and a slight wave before leaving, all thoughts of cake for lunch forgotten.

“I discovered where he's been, the American,” she tells Rose as she returns to the library desk, the cheese sandwich she's scarfed down while standing out in the cold sitting uneasily in her stomach. “I saw him in Maz's. He's got a girlfriend.”

Rose looks at her sympathetically and puts her hand on her arm in comfort, and Rey shrugs.

“It's not like we had anything going anyway. It's fine.”

Later when he arrives at the library, laptop bag slung across his body, he tries to meet her eye as he walks in, but Rey just avoids his gaze and busies herself, tapping away at the keyboard and pretending she hasn't seen him.

It’s stupid, and she knows it’s stupid. There wasn’t anything there more than a budding friendship, she knows that now. After seeing his girlfriend, it’s clear to her that she would be way out of Kylo’s zone of interest. That night when she gets home, she looks at herself in her full length mirror shortly after stepping through the door, looking up and down at herself speculatively. Green kitsch coat studded with weird and wonderful pins and brooches. Quirky chunky knit hat pulled down low, with messy chestnut hair spilling from under it. Doc Martens with purple laces. She loves the way she looks, but it’s a whole world apart from the immaculately turned out woman she had seen in Maz’s. She takes her hat off and scrunches her nose at herself in the mirror. She wears only very minimal makeup, with no foundation, and she can still make out the faded marks of freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks, though the waning sunlight has dulled them. She’s happy with what she sees in the mirror, and so she shrugs at herself before turning away and going about her evening.

Like she’d said to Rose, a few weeks ago, he’s not for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the way this chapter ends lol. Don't worry, things will be progressing soon ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t realise how much I missed coming to the library. But I do now,” he adds softly.
> 
> Rey is trying her best not to read a meaning into his words that she knows isn’t there, so she just hums in response and watches the night time town pass them by out of the car window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm putting a tentative chapter count of 15 on this now, rather than just '?'. It might be subject to change though.
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

It's been a long day, and Rey's feet are sore. She's not fond of the 8pm finishes, especially not at this time of year when she has to walk halfway across town in the biting cold and dark in order to catch her bus. She's been assisting customers for the last hour on the PCs, going back and forth between her small desk and the computers, alternately guiding people through issues they’re having online, and doing their printouts for them. This suits her as it means there are shelves between her and Kylo which means he won't be able to catch her eye and try and eke out a smile from her, and she won't have to look at his handsome face and mourn the things she can't have.

It’s been a week since she saw him in the cafe, since he returned from wherever he disappeared to. He’s been into the library a few times since. Though she still meets his eye and smiles at him as he comes in and out, they haven’t bumped into each other again at the coffee shop, nor has she tried to initiate any further conversation with him. She knows he’s noticed her slight change in demeanour. She has caught the slightly perplexed look on his face when her smile hasn’t been quite as bright and she’s seen his frown in her peripheral vision when she’s let her eyes slide away from him quicker than she normally would.

There's only half an hour to go, and Rey is counting every second, when it all kicks off. There's a crash as a keyboard is thrown to the floor and a monitor is pushed over on its side, followed by the sound of loud swearing. Rey rushes over. The man who’s causing the ruckus is clearly drunk, that much is certain, Rey can smell it on him. He has a certain wild eyed look about him as well, that suggests that he's on some type of drugs. She’s immediately tensed up, adrenaline pumping, her instincts telling her that she might have to fight for her life. He looms over her large and intimidating, clearly very agitated.

“Excuse me sir, you can't treat the equipment like that!” she says in her politest yet firmest voice, heart thudding. “I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”

The man steps up close to her, so she has to tilt her head to look up at him, the reek of alcohol so intense that Rey feels like she could get drunk just from the fumes. She stands her ground though, refusing to move back even though he’s pretty much right in her face.

“You can't tell me to fuckin' leave,” he slurs at her, pointing his finger in her face aggressively.

“Yes. I can,” Rey insists. “I'm asking you to leave right now, otherwise I'll call the police to remove you.”

“You fuckin' little bitch, who do you think you are -”

Rey feels someone come up behind her. Her adrenaline is already pumping from the conflict, and the back of her neck feels exposed, so she instinctively wants to spin around. But her lived experience has told her never to take her eye off drunken men who are trying to get too close to her, so she carries on facing him down while all her senses prickle with alertness. Suddenly Kylo is there at her side, and Rey internally lets out a sigh of relief that it was only him behind her. He puts his arm in between her and the drunk man, forcing him back and away from her.

“The lady asked you to leave,” he says in a low, dangerous voice that makes her shiver. His muscles are bunched tight, and his presence is that of a dangerous predator ready to leap on its prey. “I suggest you leave,” he continues in the same grim tone. “Right now.”

“I'm not leavin',” slurs the man, eyes darting about wildly. Two seconds later, he lurches forward unsteadily and grabs for Rey's shoulder. She staggers back, losing her balance and falling to the floor on her backside with an “Oof!.”

Faster than she would have believed possible, Kylo has grabbed the man by the wrist and yanked it, twisting it up behind his back, eliciting a strangled noise of pain from the drunkard's mouth. She sits there on the floor, wide eyed and looking up at the two men, and Rey swears she can actually see murder in Kylo’s eyes. His voice shakes with suppressed fury as he twists the man's arm further up behind his back to stop him from struggling.

“Touch her again, I dare you,” Kylo is whispering to the man, “I promise you, you’ll regret it.”

The man is at the point now where he realises he’s bitten off distinctly more than he can chew. His eyes are fearful and he gabbles a stream of nonsense as Kylo marches him out the front door of the library. Rey gets to her feet and is still standing there gaping when Kylo returns. His eyes and his tone have both softened again, the dangerous light gone from his iris, his voice low and smooth. His eyes run over her body and his hands flutter about her, not quite touching, as if he is checking her over for injuries.

“Rey. Rey are you okay?” His voice is slightly breathless, anxious,

“I'm fine,” she replies. After all it’s nothing she hasn’t dealt with before in her last foster home with Unkar Plutt. “Thank you Kylo. That was...wow...unexpected.” She looks at him frowning and he drops his gaze. “You looked like you'd done that before..” she trails off.

He hums noncommittally, then locks his brown eyes on her. “Are you working until closing?”

“Yeah,” she sighs. “Twenty minutes to go. A little bit of excitement always makes it go faster though,” she jokes. Kylo doesn't look like he finds it very funny.

“How do you get home?”

“On the bus.”

“At this time of year, in the dark?!” His voice is incredulous. “I'll give you a lift. Where do you live?”

“Halliwell,” she answers. Rey is unused to people doing things for her, unused to accepting help, and though a lift home would actually be _really really_ great, she follows her instinct to minimise her needs. And, sure, it also has something to do with her stubbornly independent streak, she has to admit, but she’s not some flailing damsel in distress, and he’s already helped her out once this evening.

“No, it's fine,” she tells him. “I wouldn't want to inconvenience you.-”

“You’re not an inconvenience,” he responds immediately. “Or if it would make you more comfortable, I can get you a taxi.”

“No no,” Rey tells him. “It’s not that, I just don’t want to put you to any trouble.”

“Like I said, no trouble.” He leans casually against one of the pillars that supports the mezzanine floor above the computers, body language remarkably relaxed for someone who’s just dealt with an aggressive drunk. “Look Rey, it’s cold, dark, and it would be my pleasure to run you home _or_ get you a taxi.. It’s entirely up to you, but I’d feel much happier to know you got home safely. Especially with our friend just now back out and about on the streets now I've kicked him out.”

Rey chews on her lip for a moment considering, before finally giving in to what she knows is a sensible decision.

“I’d actually love a lift. Thanks. Again.”

He gives her one of his slight smiles. “Great. See you outside.”

*  
She finally gets out at around five past eight, and she’s walking through the echoey library foyer, pulling her gloves on, and bidding farewell to Rose when she sees him standing outside just beyond the library doors.

“Dark lord at twelve’o’clock,” whispers Rose.

“I know, he’s giving me a lift home,” Rey whispers back, and watches as Rose’s eyebrows go up. That’s swiftly followed by a mischievous look on her face, and Rey speaks quickly before Rose can begin to concoct any sort of nefarious plan.

“Behave. He has a girlfriend, remember. I saw him with her.”

Rose just nods absentmindedly, and her face grows thoughtful. Then they’re out into the cold air, and Rose shoots her a meaningful look before bidding her a final farewell and getting into her waiting taxi.

Kylo nods at Rey, the cold air making vapour stream from his mouth and nostrils. She shivers and pulls her hat down a little further. They just stand looking at each other for a moment again, and it’s just like that morning when they were sitting on the square. Except this time it’s night and the stars are out witnessing what feels remarkably to Rey like a loaded moment, but what she knows is probably just a silence born of an innate awkwardness they both seem to have. After a few beats, he jerks his head, gesturing for her to follow him across the road to where a black BMW 8 series is parked.

“Nice ride,” Rey comments as she seats herself on the comfy leather passenger seat.

He grins at her. “It's ok I guess.”

He starts the engine and switches the lights on. She doesn’t know a lot about author advances, but she does know they’re not enough to purchase a car as flash as this. Rey really couldn’t give two hoots about money or luxury items - she’s a dedicated charity shop scavenger, always looking for the forgotten gems buried within their racks and shelves. However, the flash car combined with how physically imposing she saw him be with the drunk man earlier, does once again make her ponder on what he was doing with his life before he returned to writing. She wonders if he worked in private security or something. Or maybe he's just grown up in wealth and has a few martial arts tricks up his sleeve. Whatever. It's not really any of her business after all, and she’s certainly not going to ask him about it.

“Thank you again, by the way,.” Rey says softly. “You were pretty intimidating back there. You really knew how to handle that guy.”

“Uh...thanks.” His face is unreadable as he replies.

“I thought you might have gone back to the States,” she continues. “I missed seeing you for a couple of weeks.” _Oh shit_. Rey immediately mentally kicks herself. She hadn’t meant it to come across quite like that, like she was telling him she actually missed him. Even though she _has_ been missing him. But that’s not something she’s going to share with him, even though she kinda just has, inadvertently. She’s glad the darkness outside hides the blush across her face.

“Nope, I’m still here for the foreseeable future,” he tells her, seriously. “I sort of got into a frenzy with the editing, turned into a bit of a hermit, and I finally got the first book finished.” He laughs ruefully. “I can get really mono focused on my work sometimes, and everything else just gets blotted out. I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy but it was….productive. Then I needed to head down to London to meet with my publisher and I ended up staying longer than I’d anticipated.”

She’s watching him as he speaks, just admiring his honeyed voice and the way his full mouth forms the words. He looks across at her, and she looks down guiltily.

“I didn’t realise how much I missed coming to the library. But I do now,” he adds softly.

Rey is trying her best not to read a meaning into his words that she knows isn’t there, so she just hums in response and watches the night time town pass them by out of the car window. They lapse into silence for a while. She can see him glance over at her occasionally, out of the corner of her eye, as if he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. And while it feels like an easy silence at first, the longer it stretches, the more self conscious Rey gets. Eventually she leans forward to switch the radio on, seeking to fill the quiet. The DJ is between tracks, wittering on about some band or other, and Rey leans her head back on the headrest.

She sees Kylo glance at her sidelong yet again, and rolls her head to face him, catching his eye. He blinks at her, smiles, then turns back to the road. Streetlights are flashing over the lines of his face and he looks almost ethereal with the strange outlines and angles of his face.

“By the way, I love your hat, gloves and scarf set,” he suddenly announces

Rey looks down at her rust coloured cabled gloves and scarf, ridiculously big and chunky but very very warm. “Oh, thanks! I got them on sale, they were so gorgeous and so warm I couldn't resist. This sort of rusty colour is one of my favourites. It really makes me think of autumn, when all the leaves start to fall, though i really like teals and turquoises as well because that reminds me of the sea…” she trails off, realising she’s starting to babble, and clamps her mouth shut.

Now he's smiling, an amused look on his face. “Well, they're really cute on you.”

 _Oh_. Rey feels herself flush. Cute...he thinks she looks cute. But, no, he said the hat and mittens are cute. That doesn't necessarily mean that he thinks _she’s_ cute. Maybe he just really appreciates good quality knitwear. Or _does_ it mean that he thinks she’s cute?

Luckily at that moment, before her thoughts can spiral any more down a dangerous avenue, a song she loves comes on the radio. “I love this song!!!” She reaches for the volume, and turns it up.

He looks at her surprised, “Hey, me too.”

Rey sings along unselfconsciously, and Kylo nods his head along in time to the tune, occasionally looking at her and smiling every time he does. She's never seen him smile so much in such a short time before, and when he does it's like the winter night outside has been chased away.

She directs him to her flat and he pulls up outside, turning the radio down low. If he didn't have a girlfriend, and if she was much braver and much less nervous than she actually was around him, maybe she would ask him in right now, Rey thinks. Maybe he'd come up and she'd offer him a glass of wine and they would sit next to each other on the sofa and chat about their lives. She would fill in some of the many gaps in the sparse picture of him that she has, and in turn share a little of herself with him. Maybe they’d talk for hours, and he’d brush his hand against hers, as they sat together. Or, maybe she’d get him upstairs, and five minutes later she’d kiss him, like she’s absolutely dying to do. Perhaps she’d take him by the hand and lead him into her bedroom. Yeah, maybe in another universe and another time. Maybe if he didn’t already have a girlfriend, and if she didn’t find it so difficult to let people in. If she was a different person, braver, and more his type.

The silence stretches in the car, and Rey realises she is just sitting there lost in her own thoughts, and not actually getting out of the car, like he must be waiting for her to do. She turns and he's looking at her with those deep expressive eyes, and for just a moment she thinks he's going to say something to her. But he doesn’t.

“Uh, thanks very much for the lift, and for...everything.” _Thanks for putting that drunk guy in an armlock and marching him out of the library while looking like you were gonna murder him,_ her brain helpfully supplies. She opens the car door. “See you, Kylo.”

“Any time, Rey, I’ll see you soon,” and, oh, the way he says her name, he stretches it out and it seems to resonate into her bones. She makes a hasty exit, shutting the car door and running to the doorway into her block of flats. She notices that he watches until she's safe inside.

That night, as she curls on her careworn sofa in a blanket, she can't stop thinking about the way he looked at her so seriously, about the way he said her name. When she finally drags herself to bed, her dreams are full of warm brown eyes and the tone of a honeyed voice.

*

There had seemed to be no pattern previously to Kylo coming to the library, but now ,Rey notices, he seems to be there every time she does a late shift. And every time he asks her if she needs a lift home, and because she's on the bus and it's dark and cold, she probably does really. But every time they do this little dance where she objects and says it’s really not necessary, and he insists it is, and then she gives in because who wouldn't want to spend twenty minutes in a confined space with this man?

And so she comes to know him in fits and starts. The first couple of times it’s just in 20 minute blocks, but each time he drops her home, they sit for longer and longer in his car, chattering away and listening to music. Their conversations are warm. Never about their pasts. She doesn't ask him about his, and nor does she tell him about hers. They chat instead of music, TV shows, literature. She finds out that he's a coffee fiend like her, that he's secretly a huge sci-fi and fantasy geek, that his favourite colour is not, in fact, black as she thought it might be, but is actually blue. She finds out that he works out a lot, that he has prgressive political views, and that he struggles to sleep at night. It feels like there's something growing between them, something tentative and slow, and Rey would call it something other than friendship if it weren't for the fact he had a girlfriend. Whenever he drops her off at home and she finally tells him she'd best go in, after they've talked for goodness knows how long, he looks at her for a long moment before she gets out of the car. And every time, Rey wants to invite him in, but then she reminds herself of the tall brunette in the high heels, and doesn’t.

Rose has witnessed the back and forth between them several times about whether Rey is getting a lift with him or not, and is most insistent that he's interested in her, despite Rey's protestations.

“I mean, are you sure it was his girlfriend Rey, have you actually asked him?” Rose asks as she sorts some books.

Rey puts her pen behind her ear. “Noooo, but he was hugging her and kissing her cheek.”

“ _Friends_ hug each other and kiss on the cheek too,” Rose tells her. “Look, he waits for you every night you're here late and runs you home. He looks at you like you hung the bloody stars. _Ask him._ ”

*

That evening, he's smiling as she comes out of the door of the library. Rose gives her a little nudge as she passes by and Rey shoots daggers at her. He stands there studying her face amused.

“What - “

“You forgot something,” He reaches forward and lifts the forgotten pen out from behind her ear, and as he does so his fingers brush the shell of her ear, and they are warm, so warm considering the temperature outside. A shiver goes right through Rey, starting at her ear and shooting out through her body, heating her right down to her very toes. She shifts, embarrassed, as he passes her the pen and she pops it in her bag before putting on her warm hat.

“Shall we?” He gestures towards where his car is parked, and Rey can do nothing but nod her head and trail after him.

He switches the heating on in the car and Rey is grateful for the warm blast of air. As he pulls away, she turns on the radio. Christmas songs. Ugh. She tries another channel, then another, but all she is getting is Mariah Bloody Carey, or Slade or The Pogues. It _is_ ten days to Christmas, she supposes. Not that she's counting. Finally she gives up and switches the radio off.

“Not a fan of Christmas songs then?”

“Not a fan of Christmas generally,” she replies.

He nods. “I can relate.”

“Will you be back in the States for christmas, with your family?” she asks, wondering if she will see him around the library over the next few weeks, wondering if she will miss him again when he’s gone, knowing that she will.

He shakes his head and laughs humorlessly, “No. Me and my mom, it's....difficult between us.”

She can't say she can relate. But in a way she guesses it is difficult between her and her mom. She was, after all, dropped off in a hospital car park in a baby carrier, only to be found by some passerby. That certainly seems difficult.

“So are you spending it here with your girlfriend then?” she asks tentatively, still too chicken to actually ask the question outright.

He looks at her strangely. “Girlfriend? Rey, I don't have a girlfriend.”

Her heart thuds. “Oh, that day in Maz's, I saw you with a woman. Dark hair, high heels.”

“Bazine?!” He says incredulously. “No, no, no, Bazine is my literary agent. She came over to visit, to talk to me about the book and everything that’s going to happen next now that it’s finished.” He laughs, “Bazine is _definitely_ not my type. No, I'll be spending Christmas with myself. It's just another day after all”

Rey feels a sudden rush of relief. Then a rush of terror. If the immaculately groomed woman with the teetering high heels she saw isn’t his type, then what is? Slightly awkward librarians in chunky hats and Doc Martens, perhaps? If he doesn't have a girlfriend, then that means this thing which she has felt growing between them in these dark journeys every Tuesday and Thursday evening might actually _be something_ after all, and not just friendship. As much as she wants that, it's also kind of terrifying. It’s a mysterious and unknown territory to her, this world of relationships. At the core of her fear is the fact that Rey knows from long experience that nothing is forever, and that anyone can leave at any time. It’s a truth she’s carried with her since she was old enough to understand that she was abandoned. So if this _is_ something after all, and she opens herself up and lets him in like she so desperately wants to, at the end of it all _he_ could leave.

“Oh.” Her voice is small in response to his revelation about the woman in the cafe.

Then, as he begins to speak again, she realises her error in asking him what he's doing for Christmas, as the question is inevitably returned to her.

“What about you, do you spend it with your family?” he asks her.

“No. No family.”

“You don’t get along?”

“No.. Literally. I don't have a family.”

He looks at her incredulously. “I was dumped as a baby in a hospital car park,” she explains. “They never managed to trace my parents. I grew up in the foster system.”

“Oh,” and now it's his turn for his voice to be small. But even though he's driving, he glances at her and she sees such profound sympathy in his eyes that it makes her heart twist a little. He reaches over and touches her arm, for just for a moment, and though he doesn't speak, there's such emotion conveyed in that simple act of touch that her heart eases a little. She casts around for a change of subject, but he does it for her.

“All this time,” he asks, “You thought I had a girlfriend?”

“Well, yeah.”

He shakes his head and purses his lips. Next thing, they're pulling up at her house. They sit there for a moment, the street dark and deserted around them. Rey thinks of her cold flat, of her empty bed, and of the passage of the night as she lies there wakeful and lonely in the darkness. She's working up the nerve to possibly maybe think about asking him in, when he speaks her name. She turns to look at him, and his gaze burns her very skin away with its intensity.

“Can I please kiss you?” he breathes softly, and she nods dumbly as he leans into her and presses his lips to hers.

It's a fairly chaste kiss, just a long press of his soft full lips against her mouth, but it’s tender, and his hand comes up to cup her cheek at the same time, making her belly do a little flip. He pulls back and looks at her. “I've been waiting a long time to do that. I thought you weren't interested, but-”

“I thought you had a girlfriend,” Rey finishes for him. “And I am. Interested I mean.”

He leans in again, kisses her softly, and she opens up her mouth to him willingly, then suddenly their tongues are sliding against each other, and his hand comes up around the back of her head, fingers burying into her hair. She knows her hand is shaking a little as she brings it up and places it on his cheek as he licks into her mouth, and she hopes that he doesn’t notice, but her senses are too full of him to really care. She runs her fingers into that gorgeous hair, like she's been longing to for weeks, and it’s just as silky and heavy as she’s imagined. He actually _moans_ very quietly into her mouth as she cards her fingers through his hair, and the sound sends a white hot shot of heat right through Rey, gathering and pooling in her belly.

She pulls back a little breathless, her heart pounding, as she gathers all her courage to ask the question “Would you like to come in?”

His answer comes immediately. “Yes I would. Very much so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut will be happening in the next chapter, as you may have guessed :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know it's not much,” she rushes out. “It's small, and probably not what you're used to...”
> 
> But then he's turning to her, and his smile is warm and content. “I absolutely love it. It’s so you. ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sounds air horn* The smut has arrived. 
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Rey’s breathing comes fast as she unlocks the main door into her block of flats. Kylo’s presence is heavy and warm at her back and sending little shivers of anticipation through her body. They don’t really speak as they go up the stairs, the air between them tense and laden with promise, and once they get into the little corridor that leads to her front door, he follows along behind her since he’s kind of too _wide_ for them to walk side by side. Her hand trembles as she tries to put the key into her lock and she angles her body in front of it so he can't see just how nervous she is. 

She knows her flat isn't much, just the very basics, and she suspects that, given his car, he’s accustomed to much finer digs than this. She flicks the lights on and then watches self consciously as he takes it all in.

Rey's flat is a mish mash of colours and styles, most of the items decorating it either handmade by herself or else found second hand, a product of her regular scavenging sessions in the local charity shops or at car-boot sales. One of her favourite ways to pass the lonely time at the weekends is to spend hours in those little stores and at those sales, pawing through the clothes and bric-a-brac. She has an eye for the unloved and unique, and she’d like to think that her flat represents her own unique style. 

Cactuses and succulents sit on the window ledge in terracotta pots she's hand painted with colourful designs. A multicoloured handmade crochet blanket is thrown over the sofa - one of her favourite ever finds. She imagines someone somewhere crocheting this, pouring all their attention and care into it for it to be given as a beloved gift, only for it to be carelessly given away. It comforts her that it has found a home with somebody who appreciates it. Various quirky ornaments litter the surfaces of the room, and strings of origami heart bunting, which she made from magazine pages to while away the long evenings at home, are hung draping from one edge of the room to the next. There’s a box of second hand 12 inch vinyl albums on the floor near her stereo, the edges of the box decorated with white fairy lights, and half the books on her many shelves are ones that she’s come by second hand. Her kitchenette is filled with some of the weirdest 1970s kitchenware she’s been able to find, stuff that other people might find ugly, but that she thinks has character.

As he stands there looking around at it all, having just parked up his flash BMW 8 series outside, she suddenly feels unaccountably embarrassed at the odd mish mash of her belongings. He's smiling, the corner of his lips curling up more and more, and for one awful moment she thinks he's going to laugh at her little kingdom.

“I know it's not much,” she rushes out. “It's small, and probably not what you're used to...”

But then he's turning to her, and his smile is warm and content. “I absolutely _love_ it. It’s so _you._ ”

Rey smiles back relieved, and watches as his eyes hungrily take in his surroundings.

“Most of it’s second hand,” she tells him. “You wouldn't believe the things that people give away, it's crazy. I've had some good finds in the shops round here.” She begins shucking off her coat, and he peels his off too and follows her in hanging it off the rabbit ears of the pewter hook on the back of her front door. “Do you want a drink? I have normal tea, herbal tea, coffee, juice,” she looks at him with what she hopes is a mischievous look. “Or I've got a bottle of red wine. It’s one that Rose gave me, so it's probably half decent.”

She wills him to say yes to a glass of wine, because she's hoping that having one herself will soothe her jangling nerves at actually having him in her home and this close to her. Weeks and weeks of wanting him, and now the moment comes and she’s a bloody mess. Rey breathes through her nose and counts down from five.

He quirks an eyebrow at her, obviously thinking it over. “Wine's good, if that’s what you’d like,” he tells her, intuitively, before wandering to one of her large double bookshelves where she keeps copies of all her favourites. He runs one of his fingers along the spines of the titles on the shelves. “You've got a little library all of your own here,” he observes.

She uncorks the wine and begins to pour it out. “Of course. I've got a Kindle obviously, but I like to keep hard copies of my favourite books, and of things I find second hand that look good. Kindles great and all, but it's just not the same, you know? Have you got one?”

“A Kindle, no, lots and lots of books, yes,” he responds, eyes scanning the shelves. 

“If you see anything you fancy, then feel free to, y’know, borrow it,” Rey tells him. And, oh dear, she thinks, as if that isn’t telling. Some people might say Rey is a bit precious about her books. While many are dog eared with crinkled spines from repeated use, she _never_ lends them out. Yet here she is offering him the pick of the shelves and feeling perfectly happy about it. 

He looks at her and gives her that lopsided smile. “Wow, I’m impressed with this town’s public library offer,” he jokes. “Personal service from the librarian.”

Rey has just taken a sip of her wine, and somehow manages not to snort most of it into her nose at the thought of her providing Kylo Ren with a ‘personal service’ and all that insinuates. He’s apparently oblivious to the double entendre, so Rey covers it with a cough, willing herself to get a grip on her unruly mind.

“Same though,” he mutters. “You’ll have to have a look through my collection.” His eyes flick to the shelf and then back to hers. “You can borrow anything you like.”

“Awesome, thanks!” she responds overly brightly, picking up both wine glasses to take over.

He nods silently in response, looking back to the shelves. He's still running his fingers across the spines, and as she reaches him to hand him the wine, he suddenly stills, and tenses staring at the shelf. 

“Kylo, wine.”

“Oh, sorry,” He takes the drink from her and sips at it. “So you're a fan of Leia Organa Solo then? Looks like you've got everything she's ever written.” He gestures at the shelf and a half full of her favourite author. 

“Oh yes,” she gushes. “She's such an amazing writer. You know she used to be a senator? She was responsible for exposing the CIA’s enhanced interrogation programme”. 

Kylo's face is unreadable, as he hums noncommittally, before softly, “I’ve heard of her, yes.”

She picks up Leia’s autobiography from her shelf. There's a picture of the author on the front looking regal, her hair in a crown of braids, but with a warm friendly smile on her face. She hands the book to him and he regards it with a strange look on his face that she can't quite make out. 

“She retired after that and started to write books,” Rey continues. “Political thrillers. Her life is just so interesting. It's quite sad though. Her husband died of cancer a few years ago, and she's got a son that I don’t think she ever sees. He used to be in the marines, but then it's like he just disappeared. She never talks about what happened with him after that.”

Kylo hums then slots the book firmly back into its place on the shelf. “Not really my cup of tea to be honest,” he tells her. “But I can appreciate that she’s an excellent writer.”

Rey shrugs, sipping on her wine. He looks at her over the top of his glass, eyes unreadable as he also swallows a mouthful down. A silence descends between them, and then they’re just _looking_ at each other again, the moment laden between them. Rey decides some music is in order, mostly so that she can move and break the heavy weight of his eyes on her, and also in hopes of a distraction to try and quell the butterflies in her belly. She sticks on one of her Spotify playlists. Dark mellow indie music, slightly melancholic swells to fill the room. It's not what most people would call romantic, if fact she knows a lot of people would actually call ‘depressing’, but she knows they both like this style of music, and it seems to strangely suit the mood. Trying to keep herself busy, she lights some incense too, before dithering over whether to light a scented candle as well. She can still feel his gaze on her, and her mouth is dry with nerves.

Rey gulps at her wine nervously, before turning to look at him. “Do you want to sit down?” She gestures to the sofa with its bright crochet blanket and he follows her over as she sits. Just like that first day when they sat on a bench on the town hall square, he doesn't sit in the opposite corner, but shuffles right up next to her. They aren't quite touching, but she can feel the body heat coming off him. He smells so damn good, smoky and spicy and just like _Kylo_ , and she just wants to bury herself into his large frame, to feel him wrapping around her. But she's never done this and she's so damn nervous...and how does this even work, this messy intimate thing that humans do together? Well, she knows how things _work_ , but not how to begin, to initiate, nor how to express this pure feeling of desire she feels as she looks on his handsome profile. She has absolutely no clue what to do next, but she knows that she wants it like she has never wanted anything else before in her life. 

She gulps her wine again, and fiddles with her fingers nervously. She can feel the alcohol begin to warm her stomach a little, sending out slight tendrils of relaxation through her system, making her slightly blurry at the edges, and maybe, perhaps, slightly braver. Good. She pops the wine on her coffee table, deciding that that's quite enough for now, and he shadows her.

Then suddenly he's turning to her, capturing her chin in his fingers, and turning her face to his, and her heart thuds so loud that she’s self conscious he will hear it. Then she's falling and falling into his deep intense eyes, which are looking at her like she's something precious, something to be treasured. She has to tear her gaze away in the end though, because Rey has never been treasured by anyone or precious to anyone, and it's all too much. She drops her eyes to her knees as he slides his hand up to cup her cheek. His hand is hot, and it's so impossibly large that she feels like a china doll, like something fragile in the cradle of his palm.

“Rey,” he murmurs, and she looks up to meet that boundless gaze again, and then he's leaning into her, pressing his lips to hers and swiping the very tip of his tongue against the seam of her lips, requesting entrance. She opens to him, and his tongue finds hers. And, oh, the way he kisses her; it's like he's come from a long walk in the desert and she is the first water she has seen in days. He consumes her with a single mindedness that takes her breath away, the kiss dizzying and heady.

She doesn't know quite where to put her hands, but she knows she wants to put them absolutely everywhere. In the end she settles for sweeping them down the hard muscles of his arms, marvelling at how sculpted they are, before pressing their mark into his chest, fingers trembling over the hard definition of his pecs. He makes a little noise into her mouth as her hands trace his chest, and his hand comes up behind her head, to tangle in her hair, pressing their mouths hard together. He explores her mouth with his tongue, sweeping deeply, before pulling back to graze his teeth ever so lightly over her bottom lip. He pulls back and looks at her, both of them breathing heavily, and she can see that his pupils are blown wide with desire. His eyes dance over her face, as if memorising every angle, and she blushes under his scrutiny. 

“You’re adorable when you blush,” he tells her in his deep rolling accent. She can’t answer, she’s too breathless, her voice is stolen, her mind is filled with nothing but the feel and the taste of him. She just hums in response, but it comes out sounding lower and huskier than she’d meant it to, her own desire evident in her voice. He just pulls on her hair very gently, angling her head over to one side, as he comes in again and begins pressing open mouthed kisses along the side of her neck. It makes her shiver in the most delicious way, and she feels the hot arrow of desire between her legs as her earlobe is sucked into his mouth. She can’t help but gasp at that. But...but…

“Kylo,” she says softly, pushing at him a little. He stops immediately, pulling back and looking her over. His lips are slightly reddened and kiss swollen, his eyes a little glazed and his lids heavy, but she can still feel him turn his full attention to whatever she’s about to say.

She attempts to swallow down her self consciousness, because this is important and he needs to know, but it sort of gets stuck and lodges somewhere in her chest, fluttering urgently. Ugh. She hates how utterly clueless she is. She needs to tell him though.

“I've...uh...I've never done this before,”

His eyes focus sharply, studying her. “This? You mean...?”

She’d been hoping to avoid spelling it out, but here she goes. She feels a hot rush of embarrassment. “Anything. Well, I've been kissed a few times. But that’s literally it. Just kissing. I...er...I don't ever do this at all. With anyone.”

His eyes darken, and he takes a sharp breath in. Imagining he’s now shocked and wondering what he’s got himself into with some awkward virgin like her, she's suddenly filled with shame. “I'm sorry. I know. I've no clue what I’m doing.”

“No, no no, Rey,” he soothes, immediately reaching for her and gathering her into his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “ There's nothing to be sorry for. It doesn't matter at all. I don’t expect anything from you but your company.” He smooths his hand over her hair. “We can take things slowly. I’m in no rush at all for anything.”

Oh. She pulls back, peering up at him. “What if I don't _want_ you to go slow?”

Once again his eyes darken and he inhales sharply at her words. That's when she realises, with a flood of relief, that his reaction to her confiding her innocence was nothing but even more desire for her. She finally relaxes into his arms as he claims her mouth again, kissing her deeply. 

They kiss for a long time, him stroking his hands soothingly up and down her back and her arms, playing through her hair from time to time. Rey wants to whimper in frustration. He's being way too careful with her now, taking her too slowly when all she wants to do is rip both of their clothes off and press their nakedness together. There's a heat rising in her, coiling up from her groin and suffusing her whole pelvis. She's desperate to be touched. 

Finally, _finally_ , his hand brushes the side of her breast, and Rey shudders. His hand slides around, playing gently across her breasts. When his thumb swipes over her stiffening nipple and she actually whimpers into his mouth. She feels her face redden at the sound, and she's glad he's busy at her mouth so he can't see her blush and tell her how adorable he finds it again. When the heat has faded from her cheeks, she breaks the kiss and pulls back a little

As they break for air she meets and holds his eye. “Kylo, will you touch me more please?” she begs.

“Anything…” he tells her. “Anything you want.”

She gathers all her courage, pulling off her top and deftly unhooking her bra, letting it fall to the floor, fighting with herself to make eye contact with him again. His gaze sweeps reverently down over her chest, and she fights to stop herself from covering up breasts that seem all too paltry to her.

He looks at her seriously, as though he can tell what she's thinking. “You're so gorgeous. You're just absolutely perfect,” he tells her, looking at her as if awed. He brings his hands up to cup both of her breasts, and Rey shivers at the feel of her bare skin on his. He meets her eyes again. “All I can think of is you,” he tells her. “Since that first day you smiled at me. You're everywhere, constantly in my head.”

His thumbs brush over her nipples, moving back and forth, and her eyes drift closed as she sighs in pleasure. “And you _want_ me...” he says. It's like there is wonder in his voice. If she’s honest, he's being stupid, because how could she not want him? How would _anyone_ not want him? 

“Of course I want you. You're bloody gorgeous, and sweet and kind and– oh!” He's plucking at her nipples, gently pinching and rolling them in his fingers and it sends delicious tingles all the way down to her core. 

He shakes his head. “I'm not, Rey. I'm really not.”

She wants to object, but next thing he's unbuttoning his shirt before pulling it off, exposing an expanse of hard lined muscle and burning skin, and her mouth goes dry at the sight. She knew he was a big guy, but now it’s apparent why. He’s totally ripped. Rey’s brain stutters.

Then he's kissing her again, and it's all she can do to respond in kind, as he gently pushes her to lie back back on the sofa. He comes down with her, the feel of his bare chest pressing into hers utterly delicious and addicting. His hand slides under her thigh, pushing her skirt up and hooking her leg up around his waist, so that he's pressed deliciously against her. She rocks against him experimentally, ever so slightly, smiling to herself when he hisses a little at her small movement. She can feel the hard length of him through his jeans, pressed up against her core, and even in her most wanton moments of touching herself, _never_ has she felt desire like this. They kiss and rock together for a time, until Rey is virtually squirming for more. She wants it all, but there are way too many clothes in the way and he doesn’t seem in any particular hurry to get them both naked.

She unhooks her leg, before sitting and quickly stripping off her skirt and her tights, lying back and thanking whatever gods there may be out there that today she has chosen to wear some pretty light blue panties, with lace panels at the sides.

His eyes rake over her body and her face, as if amazed. His warm hands smooth down her abdomen, and then ghost over the apex of her thighs, fingers trailing softly over her core, and she fights with herself not to press her pelvis up into his hand seeking more friction. He hovers at her waist, his fingers resting on the band of her panties. He looks up at her, a question in his eyes and she nods fractionally at him. Then he's pulling them down, dropping them to the floor and she lies, exposed in front of him as he gazes down at her. She shifts uncomfortably, and he notices immediately, instead moving down to slot himself next to her on the sofa.

“Beautiful,” he breathes into her mouth as his hand strays down her belly to brush the neat trimmed curls beneath it. Then all of a sudden he's sliding his index finger against her core, brushing over her clit and making her buck up into his hand, before sliding between her slick folds. 

It's another galaxy away from what it feels like when she touches herself. That feels good, of course, but this is something else entirely. His touch is electric and heady, and she absolutely burns for it, burns for him. She feels, she thinks for the first time in her life, _desirable_.

She's dripping wet, and his finger is slick as he brings it back up circle round her clit with just the right rhythm and pressure. She's ashamed to find herself writhing under his fingers, and keeps her eyes tightly closed, as if somehow that could ease her self consciousness.

He slides a finger all the way inside, and it drags against her slick walls, but it's not nearly enough for her. “More,” she whispers to him, face buried in his shoulder, and he obliges, adding another finger and giving her the stretch that she's craving. He pumps his fingers in and out of her steadily while his other hand plays back and forth over her breasts. He lays the softest of kisses on her mouth, her cheeks, her nose, her forehead as he does so and it makes her feel so utterly cherished and _wanted_ that tears threaten to prickle behind her eyes.

He begins to circle her clit with his thumb, and with the combined sensation of that and his fingers moving inside her, Rey feels a pressure building inside her. 

“Look at me, Rey,” he demands quietly but firmly, and because she's totally under his spell now, she does. He flicks his gaze down her body, and she follows it, the sight of his fingers pumping in and out of her heating up that building pressure even more. “Look at me,” he demands again and she meets his gaze once more. His pupils are blown so wide with arousal that his eyes are the darkest she's seen them, just an amber iris haloed around a deep blackness. As she gazes at him, panting, he speeds up his fingers and his thumb, and Rey feels her body come to a delicious crescendo and tumble over the edge. She fights to keep her gaze on his face but her eyes roll back and her body goes rigid and jerking over and over as the muscles of her core clench around him and white hot pleasure sheets through her.

He fucks her with his fingers all the way through it, until she finally comes down, breathing heavily, a sheen of sweat across her body. 

“Wow. Wow. Wow.” she's gasping, and he's laughing as he pulls his fingers from her, and then slowly and deliberately sucks her juices from them. 

“That's what every guy wants to hear, “ he tells her smartly, and she smiles , giving him a playful punch. 

He looks at her, tentative, his tongue peeking out to taste at his lips. Her eyes follow its movement. “Can I please taste you?” he asks. 

“Oh. Um. you don’t have to,” she tells him, having never really understood quite what it is that guys are supposed to get out of that act.

He huffs a laugh, as though amused, before dipping his head to her ear and whispering, “I know I don’t have to, but what if I told you that i really _really_ want to,” before nuzzling sweetly into the side of her face. “I think you might like it too, but it’s entirely up to you,” he breathes against her cheek. She nods her consent, knowing he can feel the movement. 

He slides from the sofa and onto his knees beside it. His large hands span her hips, pulling her gently to the edge, before settling his face between her thighs, looking up at her again. She can feel his warm breath right against her core, can smell the scent of her own arousal rising. His nostrils flare as if he, too, is taking in the scent, and he smiles as if he thoroughly enjoys it. He watches her carefully. “Is this ok?” he murmurs softly seeking permission again.

“Yes. Yes please, I want it.” she stammers out. His eyes drink her in for a brief moment, before he licks a scalding stripe up the length of her core, and Rey cries out in pleasure at the feeling. She whimpers as he sets to work on her, his tongue mapping out all the places that feel most delicious, while he watches her intently from under his eyelashes, reading her reactions. She can't help but wriggle and buck, and one of his giant hands comes across her pelvis, pressing her down into the sofa. For some reason, the act of him holding her down turns her on even more, and she groans as his other hand slides two fingers back into her. He quickly has her moaning rhythmically and gasping his name, as his tongue and his fingers work over her. Rey feels utterly mindless and primal as she grasps his thick hair in her hands, urging him on.

It's like nothing she's ever felt or imagined before. Heaven, she decides in fractured thoughts, she has died and gone to heaven. She has ascended to a higher plane of existence. Nothing earthly should be so sinfully _good_.

He licks at her intently, looking up at her with those chocolatey eyes, and her thighs begin to quiver. In relatively short order, he has another orgasm crashing over her, vibrating through her right to the very end of her fingertips, and Rey cries out so loudly that she almost _screams_. He licks her through it, seeming to sense the moment at which she becomes too over sensitive and stopping. When he finally reappears from in between her legs, wiping his mouth with his hand he looks insufferably smug. 

He slides himself back onto the sofa next to her, and they kiss, slow and languid, Rey’s mind nothing but a pleasant fizz of post-orgasmic haze. She can taste herself on his lips, earthy and tangy, and not at all unpleasant. When she finally regains control of her faculties a little, she realises that she can still feel the hard length of him pressed into her hip.

“Your turn,” she tells him, trailing her hands over the denim, cupping him so he gasps sharply.

He looks at her, eyes searching hers. “Rey, no I'm fine, it's okay, you don't have to.”

“But I want to,” she tells him firmly. “If you want me to,” she adds unsurely.

“Oh god, yes, I definitely do,” he replies, his voice and breathing harsh. 

Her hands are trembling a little, and she fumbles over his belt until he helps her out, deftly undoing his clasp and unzipping his jeans before freeing himself from the confines of his boxer shorts. 

Rey gasps as she looks at him, eyes trailing over his chest and abdomen, down to his manhood. She has no real frame of reference, but he seems pretty generously endowed, and moreover he is so _beautiful_ exposed to her like this, straining with arousal. She trails her fingers down, gently brushing the length of him. His cock twitches with desire and he catches his breath. 

“Obviously, I've never done this,” she tells him, running her fingers up and down his length, tracing the shape of him. “Show me what you like.”

He moans and then his fingers are wrapping hers, setting her grasp and her rhythm just how he likes it. She notes the way his thumb sweeps over the head of his cock, and when he lets go of her hand to let her continue alone, she does it too. His precum is slippery under her thumb and she’s unaccountably curious about how he will taste. Letting go of her grasp for just a moment, she brings her thumb up to her lips, licking over the salty dampness. 

“Fuck, Rey,” he curses as he watches her intently. “You’re unbelievably hot.”

Surely he’s made a mistake, because Rey’s not aware that anyone in her life has ever considered her particularly ‘hot’. But he’s looking at her with worshipful eyes, and there’s sincerity in his voice, a redness across his cheeks that tells her he’s not just sweet talking her. She smiles shyly, before grasping him and beginning to move again. Shortly, he's the one writhing under her hands, and she looks at his beautiful flushed face, his eyes closed as he pants.

She pumps him a little firmer and faster, and feels him swell impossibly even harder in her hands. 

“Look at me,” she tells him in the same firm tone he used for her, and his eyes fly open surprised, and she gives him a cheeky smile. 

When he finally cums, his eyes don't' leave hers even for a split second. She sees every twitch his face goes through, and tucks every one of his expressions, every single gasp away in her mind. His seed spurts on his belly and over her fingers warm and wet as he looks at her, and gasps “Rey, Rey, oh Rey,” and her name sounds like a prayer in his mouth. 

*

When they've cleaned up, they lie naked and tangled together on the sofa. 

“Are you working tomorrow,” he breathes against her lips.

“Hmmm? No,” she replies sleepily. “I don't work Fridays and it's not my Saturday. Nice long weekend,”

She may call it a “nice” long weekend, but deep down, Rey dreads the three day stretch alone.It’s just hours of empty time that she fills up as best she can, while the ever present spectre of loneliness hangs nearby.

He nods, his thick hair brushing her face. “Do you have much on?”

Rey snorts. As if. “Nothing in particular. Reading. Crafting. Maybe go for some walks,” she tells him.

“Can I come and take you out tomorrow afternoon?” he asks, “For a walk in the woods? There's a really nice place out on the moors,” and Reys heart leaps into her throat. 

Yes, yes, yes she wants to say. Stay with me all weekend if you like. But the last thing she wants to do is come across as either desperate or desperately lonely. So she just says, “Yeah, I’d love to,” and gives him one of her warmest smiles. 

“And maybe afterwards...” he trails off and looks at her, almost warily, or perhaps shyly.

“Hmm?” she prompts, looking up at him and appreciating his shiver as she trails her hand over the planes of his chest. 

“Come back to mine on Friday night?” he whispers, as though him speaking the words any more loudly would somehow make her say no. “I'll make dinner,” he continues, his gaze flickering back and forth to hers. He's scared of her saying no she realises, and she almost laughs out loud at the thought. 

She pushes up to her arms and looks him full in the eye. “That sounds wonderful.”

*

After she's been to the bathroom and freshened up a little, she slings on a top that hangs from one shoulder and some non tatty sleeping shorts. They kiss the top of her thighs and make her almost decent, and she decides it's enough coverage, after all they've been lying naked together not ten minutes ago. 

She's looking forward to the rest of her glass of wine, but when she returns to her front room, he's half clothed and pulling his shoes on, and her stomach sinks with a sharp disappointment. He's leaving.

“Rey!” he starts when he sees her, and stands up, one shoe off, one on. Both of them hover awkwardly for a moment, and she can almost hear the thoughts whirring in his brain. Rey herself is still and calm, poised for him to leave and resigning herself to another cold night alone. She folds her arms across herself, protecting against the ache within, and watches him. She's seeing him tomorrow. He _asked_ to see her. It's not like he's rejecting her. But she feels so vulnerable and open right now. His fingers sliding inside her have opened up some tender place within her heart, and she longs to just lie next to him for a while longer.

A series of expressions flit over his face as he watches her, before he seems to come to a decision. He kicks his shoe off and walks over to her, putting his big warm hands on her shoulders and looking at her intently, as if trying to read her. 

“I can leave if you'd prefer. But I've nowhere to be and I'd like to stay the night, if that's what you want. I don't want to pressure you though, and there are no expectations,” he tells her seriously. “I just didn’t want to assume anything.”

Something eases inside Rey, and she feels her body soften as her arms come around his waist

“Stay with me.”

They go to her bedroom, and with soft light and warm music playing, and the smoke of incense curling around them, they lie in each other's arms just talking for hours until the small hours, before sleep claims them both.

*

She comes awake in the night, her mind dull and hazy from sleep, but aware that some sound or movement has interrupted her slumber. Next to her, the dark shape of Kylo is trembling and uttering small whimpers. She runs her hand down his arm soothingly, and finds that his muscles are tense, all bunched together under the smooth porcelain of his skin. He whips his head back and forth making incoherent pained noises, and his breath comes in short gasps, stuttering out into the air of the room. He's clearly having a nightmare, Rey concludes, and as she studies the stressed lines of his face she wonders whether to wake him. Finally concluding that if she had someone there to wake her from her occasional nightmares of Plutt's greasy hands against her skin, she would want them to do so, she gives his shoulder a soft shake, saying his name softly. 

He doesn't wake though, and as she feels him start to tremble again, as his cries become more pained, she shakes him harder, saying his name more loudly. Suddenly, with a loud gasp, he shoots up from the bed; quicker than she could have thought possible he's standing looming over her, fists raised and one foot back in a combative stance as if he's readying to fight.

She panics, scrambling for the switch on the bedside lamp, illuminating his face which is looking down at her wild eyed, his lips fixed almost in a snarl. Her heart thuds. 

She doesn't dare touch him, so instead implores, “Kylo, it's me. It's Rey!! Everything's ok. You had a nightmare.”

She sees the moment the dream falls from his face, and his eyes and mouth soften in recognition. His fists fall limp to his sides, hands uncurling and relaxing. 

“Oh shit, Rey, I’m so sorry,” he comes to her immediately, sliding back into the bed next to her, framing her face with his large hands. “I'm so sorry,” he repeats. “I was having a bad dream, and then I woke up and I was just so confused.”

He's running his hands over her face and then down her neck and shoulders though reassuring himself that she's there and she's whole, his eyes searching hers. “I didn't scare you did I?”

“No it's fine,” she soothes. “It's my fault. You were having a nightmare so I woke you up.”

He shakes his head at himself reproachfully. “No, It's my fault, I should have warned you about the possibility I might wake you up with my dreams. It's just been so long since I shared a bed with anyone.”

“Do you have nightmares a lot?” She ventures softly. 

A haunted look crosses his face for a second, before he wipes it away as if he's schooling his features into impassivity. “Every night,” he confirms.

“ _Every single night?_ ” Rey says in horror. And she understands now, all the times that she saw him walking into the library with deep shadows under his eyes, with a grim look on his face. It must be utterly exhausting. If she had to face that every single night, then she knows that she would definitely fear sleep.

He nods, before wrapping her into his arms and into his warmth, her head tucked under her chin, her chest pressed to his. “It’s ok,” he tells her reassuringly. “It’s my normal. I’m used to it. Sleep, Rey.”

She squeezes him tightly, this gorgeous, sweet, haunted, man, her heart squeezing a little at the thought of the nightly battles he fights. 

Though she tries to stay awake to make sure he doesn’t fall into another nightmare, the soothing beat of his heart and the rise and fall of his breathing lulls her to sleep, and she doesn’t awake again until morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo go on their first proper date <3
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

When Rey awakens in the morning, it's to the sound of a very gentle snore, and the sight of Kylo with his black hair falling across his face, drooling very slightly onto the pillow. She sweeps his hair back from his face, noticing how vulnerable and open he looks now that he’s sleeping peacefully. There must be some invisible tension he usually habitually carries, because he seems so different right now. He looks at peace, the lines at the corners of his eyes smoothed out and his mouth relaxed. In a word, he looks utterly beautiful.

Rey squints at the glowing green numbers on her alarm clock, bleary eyed. It's much later than she’d usually sleep in, both of them exhausted by their late night and lulled into a long slumber by the presence of each other's bodies. The room is freezing, her inadequate storage heaters barely holding their own against the full cold of winter, and the tip of her nose is chilly, so she buries her head under the covers and nuzzles into Kylo’s hard chest.

He comes awake with a slight growl, and gathers her into him even closer. “Your nose is cold,” he mumbles, “Hell, this room is cold.”

She brushes her lips against his skin, allowing her tongue to dart out and taste the salt of his skin just slightly. “I know. It’s a problem with this place.” She peeps up at him. He’s looking down at her with those chocolatey eyes and an adoring expression on his face and her belly does a little flip at the way he studies her, a slight smile gracing the corners of his mouth. 

“Good morning beautiful girl,” he says, and Rey looks away uncomfortably. She’s unused to compliments, and now that they aren’t in the middle of heated desire, hearing him say such things makes her feel remarkably shy and self conscious. She ducks her head back into his chest as he runs his palms soothingly over her back.

“Better get used to me telling you that.” his voice is matter of fact, and she doesn’t doubt for a second that it’s something she’ll be hearing from him regularly,

She speaks into his skin, her lips brushing against him and voice muffled by his body. “It’s just...I’m not really used to people seeing me that way.”

He pulls back a little and slides his fingers under her chin, pushing gently and forcing her to look up at him. He frowns slightly, making a little line between his eyebrows as he considers her. 

“Well, I most definitely see you that way,” he tells her confidently, brushing through her hair with his fingers. “I thought you were beautiful since the day I first laid eyes on you.”

She drinks in the sincerity in his serious gaze, and allows a soft sight to escape her lips. “Well...ok,” she finishes lamely. 

A troubled look suddenly passes over his face, and she sees the little stress lines appear around his eyes. “I’m truly sorry about waking you last night and reacting the way I did,” he murmurs. “I should have warned you.”

Rey hauls herself up so she is leaning on her elbow and looking down at him.

“It’s ok, honestly” she reassures. “I don’t want to pry, but have you thought about getting help for your dreams?”

He snorts gently. “I’m not so sure that it’s something that can be fixed.” He flashes her a dark look. “Some things can’t be undone,” he tells her. 

And Rey understands, she really does. There are things in her life that can’t be undone either. She still has occasional nightmares herself - ones where she never escaped from Plutt, ones about the precarious time she spent living on the streets, nightmares where she knows deep in her bones that she will be on the streets for the rest of her life, and where she knows that life will ultimately be cut short by some tragic incident that perfectly illustrates why a seventeen year old shouldn’t be living like that. Nightmares of abandonment have threaded through her life too - dreams of being left behind by some faceless nameless person that she loves, left knowing in her bones that they will never return for her. Yet, she still wants to object as she brings her hand up to stroke the side of his face, wants to insist that him getting some help might make things better. His dreams are clearly so much worse than hers. Nobody should have to suffer what he does every single night. 

He turns to kiss her fingers softly though, and she’s momentarily distracted by the feel of his plush lips against her fingertips. Before she can continue the conversation, he’s already talking about their plans for the day.

“Let me treat you to breakfast first, before we go walking,” he’s saying. 

“You’re already feeding me this evening,” she objects. “It’s like you know the way to my heart is through my stomach!”

He huffs a laugh, before placing a kiss on her forehead and rolling away from her and out of the bed to go to the bathroom. She watches as his skin goose pimples in the air, as a soft halo of light from her pale curtains illuminates his shapely body and his muscles ripple under his skin as he walks. He’s the one who’s beautiful, she thinks. 

*

Rey showers while Kylo makes them both some coffee, and when she’s done and dressed, she sits on the edge of the bed combing through her wet hair while looking out of the window. She can see the glittering sheen of frost on the road outside. The sky is a pale washed out blue, and it looks like one of those gorgeous winter days, where the air is clear, biting and slightly sharp in the nostrils. A good day for walking.

He goes for a shower while she dries her wet hair, before plaiting it into two pigtails, something both practical and cute, and pulls on some thick woolen tights and her boots. She thinks about packing an overnight bag, and wonders briefly if that would be too presumptuous, before deciding that he absolutely definitely _does_ want her to stay over. A hot flush goes through her at the thought of spending another night with him, and her mind wanders to what they might get up to this time.

Rey is well aware that her upbringing was stunted in so many ways, and that her adolescence and young adulthood experiences aren’t reflected in the larger population. If they were, would she have felt this burning desire earlier on in her life, for some other random boy? Would it have been another and not him who first explored all the secret places of her body? She blanches at the thought. She’s glad it’s him. His gentleness and tenderness towards her the previous night is a warming memory, his easy acceptance of her inexperience gives her at least a small measure of confidence. She wants to explore his body tonight, to touch him again and hear him make those delicious sighs and moans just for her. She’s caught up in these thoughts when her phone pings.

_Rose: Hey hun, Finn and Poe coming over tonight. Fancy joining again? :) x_

Rey snorts. On the one night she's actually for once busy on a weekend, for the first time in forever she has plans, that would be the night she's actually invited out. 

_Rey: Thanks for asking, I'm busy though, but next time for sure :)_

_Rose: Busy??! Do tell_

_Rey: Well, you know how Kylo gave me a lift home? Turns out that he doesn't have a girlfriend after all... ;)_

_Rose: OMG girl, what happened?!!!_

_Rey: Stuff. And now we're going on a date today and he's cooking me dinner at his place tonight_

_Rose: You stay right there, I am calling you now!!_

_Rey No no no!!! He'll hear you, he's in the shower atm_

_Rose: Whaaat, he stayed the night?!! :o Omg Rey you are killing me. What did I tell you, I KNEW he was totally into you. What was it like, was it good?_

_Rey: It was perfect, he's so amazing._

_Rose: Im soooo happy for you hun :) Can't wait to hear about it at work on Mon ;)_

_Rey: Gotta go, I think he's done in the shower. xx_

_Rose: Okay, have a good one. Don't break him. ;)_

That last comment makes Rey blush beet red, just as Kylo is coming out of the bathroom, and he catches her looking guiltily up. 

He cocks an eyebrow at her as he musses at his hair with a towel. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah fine, it was just Rose. I was just telling her you stayed the night.”

He smirks, and he looks so like an Adonis stood there with a towel slung low on his waist, abs clearly defined and the wide and tempting expanse of his chest, that it's absolutely not fair. Rey bites her lip and he gives her an amused expression. 

“Rose is your friend from the library, right? The small one with the black hair?”

Rey nods distractedly, still preoccupied with ogling his body. 

“And what did she have to say?” He asks tentatively.

“Oh, she was happy for me. She's been cheerleading for us two to get together for ages you know.”

Kylo gives her a lopsided grin. “I like her already.”

*

It's gone midday when they eventually make it out of the house, and Kylo drives them to a small cafe nearby for a hearty brunch. She has a Full English, and he smiles at her as she stows away what she knows is a ridiculously large amount of food. Fueled up with food and coffee, they swing by his apartment so he can quickly change and pick up his walking boots. Rey waits outside in the car for him while he takes her bag in, listening to the radio and looking up at what looks like an extremely expensive block of apartments on the nicer side of the town, wondering which of the windows is his. 

Once he returns, he throws her a warm smile before powering up the engine and beginning to drive them out of the sprawling town. They drive by rows and rows of squat red brick terraced houses and hulking dilapidated textile mills, legacy of the town’s once proud industrial textile history. The further away from the town centre they get, the greener and less artificial everything becomes, and Rey looks on with greedy eyes. The urban environment shifts into shiny suburbs, the houses larger, possessing grassy front lawns and evergreen bushes. Tall bare armed trees line the roads here and Rey, who has lived all of her life close to urban centres, thinks that these places must look glorious in the summer. Eventually they fork off onto a road that leads relentlessly up and up, carrying them towards the moorland which can be seen looming on the horizon from virtually anywhere within the town. 

The built environment gradually gives way to rolling hills, clusters of trees and small hamlets of grey stone houses, the road still making steady progress upwards. They pass plantations of pine woods, glowing green under the bright sunlight; they speed past wide reservoirs that reflect the sky; and Kylo smiles across at Rey as she drinks it all in. She’s always meant to come out here, has heard of the wild beauty of the moorland surrounding the town, but the buses are infrequent and unreliable so this is her first time. It seems her time spent with Kylo is one for firsts, she muses, all of them pleasant.

The sun is shining, the odd wisp of clouds scudding across the sky, and Rey wants to open the window and trail her hands in the sunlight as they drive, but it's December and much too cold outside. She can still see the glistening frost in the places where the shadows linger, so she just contents herself with looking on wide eyed and taking in as much of the sight of the countryside as she can.

“It's so beautiful,” she sighs. 

“Yeah, I love it out here,” Kylo replies warmly, throwing her a grin. 

“Have you been out here a lot then?” she asks.

“Yes, lots,” he tells her. “Getting out into nature gives me something to do and helps me clear my head. It's different being alone out here, to being alone at home, you know?”

He looks at her, his eyes seeking her understanding and she nods slowly. “Yeah, I get it. I think I feel the same.” 

“I always write better when I've been out here too,” he muses. 

“Well, nature has been an inspiration for loads of poets and writers throughout the ages, so that makes sense,” she looks at him sidelong. “Are you writing some sort of nature diary or nature guide?” she guesses.

He laughs. “God, no. I don't know enough about it to even consider that.” He gives her a secretive look, and she pouts back at him, making him smile. 

Eventually the gentler countryside gives way to the greater expanse of the moorland, bleakly beautiful in the pale winter sun, the moorland grasses a mixture of tan and muddy yellow at this time of year. Stripped winter branches come into view, and then they're driving alongside a long section of forest to their right. Eventually they pull into a small car park next to a small cluster of stone houses and a pub made of the same material, which has a lazy curl of smoke rising from the chimney.

“You still up for a hike through these woods?” he asks, pulling on a set of lined leather gloves, and Rey nods eagerly, pulling on her walking shoes as she perches on the open boot. 

“Sounds perfect,” she smiles up at him. 

The bare branches make a lattice above them as they set off into the woodland, and their breath comes out in huge clouds in the cold air. Kylo pulls ahead at her, but then looks back at her bashfully when he realises she has no chance of keeping up with his much longer stride unless she jogs. He shortens his stride to match hers, and they wander deeper into the trees, following a little gravel path that twists and winds. 

It's much chillier in the shade of the thick branches, but Rey knows that the walk will soon warm her up. Little whispers and hollows of frost festoon the dead leaves and the evergreen bushes, and Rey can see spider webs like tiny jewelled nets spanning between branches. He reaches to take her hand, and they can barely feel each other through the thickness of each other’s gloves, but it's a pleasant pull against her hand and arm, and it makes her feel indescribably happy inside to walk joined together with him like this. They chat about everything and nothing as they walk through the woodland, skating as always over the subject of each other's pasts. Nevertheless, there's still so much to say to each other, and the words flow easily between them. 

As she predicted, Rey grows warmer and fumbles through her gloves to unbutton her coat a little. He stops her with a touch to her hands, before pulling off his own gloves and unbuttoning her coat for her, exposing his fingers to the icy air rather than letting her hands get cold. She scrunches her nose up at him as he thumbs his way down her coat, and when he sees her expression, he leans forward and kisses her on the forehead. He has a habit of doing that it seems, kissing her hair, her cheeks, her nose, her forehead, whenever he can. And her lips of course. She shivers at the memory of the feel of his lush mouth elsewhere on her body. It’s as though he can’t bear to keep his lips off her, and this feeling of being so desirable to somebody, of someone wanting to make contact with her body so often, is unfamiliar if not unwelcome. She spent so many years starved of touch, and it has taken her some time to learn the casual touches of the hand or arm that come with everyday interaction. Now, he touches her whenever he can, and Rey _loves_ it. She can feel all the walls she’s built up over the years falling down uselessly in his presence, nothing but rubble, exposing her soft and vulnerable insides and making something indescribably tender move inside her. It feels terrifying, a little like falling down a huge chasm with no idea when you’re going to hit the bottom, but somehow it also feels freeing and exhilarating. 

After about an hour, they pass a wide blue reservoir sheened with a thin skin of ice in places. The wind is non-existent today, and the surface is still and glassy reflecting the blue of the sky and the weak pale sun. They stop for a moment, their breath making ghosts in the air in front of them, just looking out over the expanse of blue water. Above them in the trees, two crows are silhouetted black against the sky, and they call to each other, cawing back and forth. 

“I wonder what they’re saying,” she wonders, looking up as they flap from branch to branch. “Probably ‘look at those two idiots down there, staring at us’.”

Rey takes deep breaths of the fresh cold air as she looks upwards, and it feels invigorating and cleansing, filling up her whole body with the purity of the outdoors, and she finds herself smiling ridiculously. She turns to find Kylo watching her, his eyes soft and adoring, and it makes her blush. 

He makes a soft helpless noise in his throat when her eyes meet his, and he sees the flush across her cheeks. He reaches out and pulls her in towards him, their cold noses bumping as he presses a soft kiss to her lips. “I will never get tired of seeing you blush. You’re so pretty when you do - I mean you’re pretty all the time, but _especially_ when you blush.” He tugs playfully at one of her pigtails. “And this is _so_ cute. Are you trying to kill me with how adorable you are Miss Kanata?”

She buries her face into the front of his coat, hiding her deepening red of her cheeks from him, murmuring “I am definitely not trying to kill you.” He soothingly rocks her from side to side in his arms while the crows call above them, saying goodness knows what, before they begin to walk again.

They continue on the gently rising and falling path, the woodland changing around them as they go, from stands of evergreens like larches and pine, through to bare armed deciduous trees. When they pass through one of the groves of pine, Rey cranes her neck to look up at their huge trunks and limbs. The bark looks as though it's stretched taut over muscle and sinew beneath, and little pine cones litter the ground around them

She always feels drawn to trees. She supposes it’s something about their living solidity, their vast roots that spread deep into the earth below anchoring them to one place for the entirety of their lives. It comforts her somehow. Perhaps it’s because she's never felt like she’s truly had roots of her own, has never felt like she can put them down anywhere she's ever lived. Trees make her feel more grounded, and in many ways she envies them their slow steady lives.

She lingers by one of the largest trunks, taking one of her gloves off and pressing a hand to the cool bark. There’s a spot where the trunk has been damaged slightly, and it’s coated in a sticky resin that smells deliciously of pine. She imagines the sap that’s now sleeping in the roots, and the way it will start to rise again when the spring comes, once the evenings begin to get lighter again. Historically winters have been hard on Rey and she’s always craved for the spring to come. In the past she has disliked the relentless cold and darkness, magnified tenfold by staying in inadequate housing or else being out on the streets. Christmas time has always been challenging - most people seemed to be preoccupied with their blood families, and as the foster kid she has always felt like the outsider in any family home she stayed at. Winter has always made her feel like someone who is on the outside looking in at all the things she should have had, but doesn’t. 

This time around, however, the waning part of the year seems a little brighter. The dark evenings don’t make her feel as claustrophobic and she can feel the simple joy of the glimmering lights in people’s windows and in the shop fronts. This winter, for the first time, she doesn’t feel alone. She feels like she’s coming alive for the first time, her own sap rising out of sync with the seasons. It’s all because of him. 

He’s watching her again. He does that a lot and she realises it’s probably she’s been lost in thought for a while. She smiles at him warmly, then points at the sticky spot of resin.

“Hey, you know how amber is fossilised tree resin??” 

He raises an eyebrow and nods.

“Well, really it's captured sunlight from aeons ago, because trees convert sunlight into energy. How cool is that? Like you could be holding in your hand a ray of sun from at least two million years ago.”

He's looking over at her fondly. “That's pretty damn cool,” he agrees, walking to her and snaking his arm around her to wrap her waist as they move on. 

Eventually they descend a shallow hill, walking along a pathway which meets with a small river that rushes and burbles alongside them. It leads them to a bridge and they cross over the water, turning back on themselves to walk downstream until the river empties itself into the large reservoir they passed by on their way in. By the time they make it back to the car park, both of them have cheeks that are flushed and healthy looking and Rey feels a pleasant ache in her legs. She starts to head for the car, but catches herself as Kylo turns towards the small cosy looking pub with smoke rising out of the chimney. 

“I know for a fact that they serve hot spiced cider here,” he tells her, pulling her in and cradling her cheek with his hand, the soft leather brushing her skin. “And there's an open fire as well.” He raises his eyebrows in a question.

It sounds lovely. In fact it sounds almost picture perfect to Rey, as if this date couldn’t get any better. Is this the type of thing that people do together then, she wonders, is this what dating is? Going to beautiful places, sharing simple pleasures, revelling in the easy comfort of being in the presence of someone you adore? Does this explain the warm glow inside her belly, and the ever present butterflies that flip and glide in there whenever she’s with him? It’s all she can do to nod dimly in assent to his suggestion as he places a hot kiss to her freezing nose. 

The pub is darker inside and Rey's eyes take a moment to adjust after the brightness of the winter sun. As Kylo goes to order hot drinks at the bar, she makes her way towards a cosy looking leather seat in front of a roaring fire, stripping off her coat and jumper as she goes. The flames are hypnotic, and her nose and cheeks tingle at the warmth radiating from it, as their circulation comes back. Kylo returns with two mugs, shrugging off his own outer garments and taking the seat opposite her. She can smell the spicy and fruity scent of her hot cider mixed with the coffee steam from his mug, along with the faint scent of burning wood, and to her cold sharpened nose it smells like a delicious and cosy combination. 

“Thanks for bringing me out here,” Rey tells him. “I've always wanted to come out and explore here, but the buses are really infrequent.”

He's looking at her intensely, and he opens his mouth as if he's going to say something, but then snaps it closed, changing his mind. Rey slides her hand across the table to grasp his, trying to comfort and ease him into saying whatever it is that is on the tip of his tongue. 

“Rey...I- I really like you,” he says, and her heart does a little excited swoop. “I mean I _really_ like you. And that’s not like me. I’ve always found it...hard to get close to people. But with you, everything’s different.” He takes a deep breath. “But there are things about me, things that I've done in the past, stuff I regret. I'm not that person anymore. I don't know if I will lose you if I tell you. And I don't want to lose you.”

He's gripping her hand tightly and looking at her with his big serious eyes, the sheen of them beseeching her. 

Rey thinks about her own past. About scavenging through supermarket bins for out of date food. About stealing to get what she needed, so she could live for another day. She thinks about the time she stole a whole blanket from a store in the town where she used to live, about how she had walked out of the shop with it, just waiting for a hand on her shoulder that never came. She thinks about washing in public bathrooms, and about in winter not washing for weeks on end because it was just too damn cold. She's not exactly proud of her past either, and she wouldn't like to be judged today on the life she used to live. We all do what we need to do to survive when we're desperate. 

“Kylo...whatever you've done in the past is in the past as far as I’m concerned,” she tells him firmly. What I care about is here and now. I care about the person who you are today, and the person you're going to be in the future. The past doesn't define you.”

He still looks nervous, his eyes flicking about the room and eventually settling on her again. “Let the past die...” he mutters. “My real name isn't Kylo,” he rushes out.

She just smiles at him. “I know. I've known since the start that it was like a pen name or something. I mean – Kylo Ren. It's too weird to be real.” He’s breathing hard and looks a little wild, like an animal that's been cornered. She just waits for the storm in his eyes to calm, stroking over his hand with her fingers.

“Ben,” he says quietly, almost too quiet to catch behind the soft music and the crackle of the fire. “Ben's my real name.”

“Well, pleased to meet you Ben. Ben Ren,” she snorts then catches herself. “Oh my god I'm sorry, it's just that it rhymes.”

He's not smiling though and looks wary. “Actually, it's Ben Solo,” he tells her. 

“Solo. Wow that's such an unusual name, I can’t believe you've got the same surname as my favourite author! That’s cool! Is it common in the U.S?”

He looks at her as if waiting for her to catch onto something, and then looks down into his coffee cup, swirling the liquid around. “No. It's incredibly uncommon actually. Technically the full version is Ben Organa Solo.”

Realisation sweeps over Rey suddenly, and it all clicks into place. The reaction when he saw Leia Organa Solo's books on her shelf, the look in his eyes when she handed him the biography, the mystery of Leia's estranged son who nobody knows anything about. 

“Oh my god...” she breathes. “You're Leia's son.” He winces and nods at her unhappily. “But that's amazing,” Rey continues “That's not a bad thing Ky – I mean Ben. Leia is a legend.”

“So everybody has told me all my life,” he answers, sipping on his coffee. 

“You don't speak to her any more?”

He grimaces. “Things are very difficult. She disagrees with certain decisions I made. She has my number, but we speak very infrequently, if I’m entirely honest, I find it too hard. She'll no doubt be pestering me soon to see if I’m going home for Christmas.”

“But you won't?”

Ben shakes his head, “No. There's just too much...too much has happened, it's been too long since we were ever really close. It's too late now.”

Rey wants to refute that, to tell him that it isn't too late, that it’s never too late for family, but she doesn't want to push him, so instead she sits and thinks for a while taking it all in. Her brain is working at a million miles an hour. “So that means you were in the Marines?”

“Yes,” Ben nods. “In some ways that might have been one of the best times of my life, to be honest. It was like having a new family all over again.”

There are several years missing, Rey knows this as she looks at him speculatively, years missing and unaccounted when he was doing goodness knows what before he got a book deal. She has lost years too though. She knows how it feels. They are kindred spirits in this, she thinks. She notices how his face has closed off a little under her scrutiny and he now sports a studied lack of expression and is looking down at the table top to hide whatever’s in his eyes. His body language has begun to shut down too, and he is curling into himself protectively, as if expecting a blow. 

“Ben,” she says softly, and he looks up at her. There’s dread in his eyes, and she can read in them the same cold fear of rejection that lingers at the back of her own mind. The fear of being left behind after finally finding someone who can salve the loneliness and ward against the cold and dark of the winter. She smiles and squeezes his hand. “What matters to me is who you are now, and who you are every day going forward.”

His voice might be trembling a little, but the crackle and hiss of the fire covers it as he replies. “Every day going forward? So you still want to-”

“Yes,” she interrupts him, firmly rubbing her fingers across the palm of his hand. “Yes I do.”

He looks at her in wonder, then breathes a heavy sigh of relief and leans across the table, stealing a kiss from her lips, and rubbing his nose against hers. He looks like a huge weight has been lifted off him as he relaxes back into his chair, and she watches him over the rim of her mug as she drinks down the last of her cider. It warms her insides, sending out tendrils of happiness, and she smiles at him a little hazily, before yawning. 

He looks at his watch. “We should get going before you feel asleep right there,” he teases her. “We can head back to mine, I believe I promised you dinner.”

“Cooked by your own fair hand as well,” Rey muses as she stands and puts her coat on. “Do you like cooking?”

He smiles as he takes her hand, heading towards the door and nodding at the barman in farewell on the way. “Yeah, I guess you could say it's a bit of a hobby. But it gets a bit lonely just cooking for one. It doesn't seem worth it somehow.”

Rey snorts, thinking of her frequent microwave meals, “Yeah, tell me about it, I usually just bung something in the microwave. It's a good job it's not me 'cooking' this evening.”

He looks at her in mock horror, a scandalised expression on his face. “I can guarantee at no point tonight will a microwave be used at all.” 

He opens the car door for her and Rey slips in, sinking down into the comfortable leather seat. She feels drowsy after the invigorating walk and the warmth of the pub, and the hot cider sits happily in her belly, warming her at the very core. Ben turns on the radio, turning it down low so it’s just a pleasant hum of melody in the background, before starting the engine. Then they're flying through the winter countryside again, the countryside blurring into streaks of green and brown under her unfocused gaze. She rolls her head to face him, smiling dreamily, and he glances at her, that lopsided smile on his face. 

His smile is the last thing she can remember before sleep takes her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey return home after their first official date, and spend the night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: this chapter references an attempted sexual assault which occured in a character's past. it isn't described in great detail, but if you'd like to skip over this part, stop reading at “My last foster home, it was with a man called Unkar Plutt." and start again at "I lived on the streets for a while."
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Rey comes awake gradually, her cheek pressed to something firm and incredibly warm. The sound of the engine is gone, and she sways to and fro, her legs somehow dangling. She cracks her eyelids open, and realises she's pressed to the chest of Ky- no, Ben Solo, and that he's bridal carrying her down a corridor. She wriggles a little, looking up at him, and he smiles down at her.

“Hello sleepyhead.”

“Uh, gosh, sorry, I guess the walk and the cider got to me,” she replies. She doesn’t really want him to put her down, she’s quite happy to just be held like this indefinitely in his all encompassing warmth, and to snuggle her cheek against his chest.

“I guess so,” he replies. He’s at the door to his apartment, and Rey expects him to put her down, but somehow with a little fumbling he manages to negotiate his jingling keys out of his pockets and unlock his front door. He sweeps her into a spacious apartment, before depositing her on a plush leather sofa which her body sinks into pleasingly. She pulls off her coat, and he takes it with a smile, hanging it on the back of his front door along with his own.

Rey blinks, looking around and taking in her surroundings, wanting to drink in the environment where he spends so much of his time. It's a gorgeous place, light and airy with huge windows looking out over the spread of the town, windows which are currently letting the waning sunlight shaft in with an orange glow as it sinks into the western horizon. It's open plan, decorated in neutrals and woodsy tones, and has a sleek but slightly organic feel, the polar opposite to her cluttered studio flat. Rey wouldn’t change her place for the world, but Ben’s home feels strangely restful, as if it’s been decorated and organised to induce the maximum sense of calm.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asks.

“Just water thanks,” Rey nods.

He brings her a drink, and she watches as he walks back to the kitchen area and switches some mellow music on, before beginning to open cupboards and get out various ingredients. It’s been years since anyone has cooked her a meal, so it’s a unique sensation to sit here and watch as someone else caters for her. There were certainly no home cooked meals when she was fostered by Plutt. There was barely enough food at all, in fact. Most of his money was spent at the pub and on takeaways for himself, while Rey went without and her weight dwindled. Since she’s lived alone she’s existed on microwave meals and whatever is both quick and easy, and that habit has sustained. She remembers that at the home before Plutt there had been delicious pies and casseroles, cooked for the whole family. But nobody has ever cooked exclusively and especially for her alone. This man is a marvel, she muses.

She relaxes on the sofa, watching as he starts chopping ingredients, tossing them into a pan and stirring them as they sizzle. There's a companionable silence as she sips her water and watches him work. For the millionth time she admires how handsome he is. He wouldn’t be everybody’s cup of tea, she recognises that, but she finds his unique angular features singularly beautiful. And his eyes...oh god, his eyes. Their whiskey warmth and intensity just make her shiver all over. She wriggles her toes happily as she admires him.

“I hope vegetable risotto is ok?” He quirks an eyebrow at her.

“You're cooking for me. _Anything_ is ok,” she replies. “I’m sure it will be absolutely delicious. It smells great”

“A bit of a step up from microwave meals?” he teases.

Rey pouts at him then sticks her tongue out. His eyes momentarily widen in surprise, before he starts laughing.

“To be honest, microwave meals are a step up from what I used to have at my last home,” she ventures.

He spoons the food into bowls and then gestures towards a small dining table in the corner.

“Oh?”

They sit down and begin to eat, his query left hanging in the air. He doesn't push though, just quietly tucks into his food. The risotto is to die for, rich, creamy and tender. She moans appreciatively as she chews, then bounces in her seat happily as he watches her intently.

Once she's scraped the plate clean, she puts her fork down, looking at him, wondering and assessing, trying to gauge what his reaction might be to hearing about her past life. Somehow he makes her feel so safe, so comfortable that she wants to share all the secret hidden parts of herself with him that she has never shared fully with anyone else. She wants him to know her from the inside out, what makes her tick, where she came from and what that means for who she is now.

She takes a deep breath. “As you know, I never knew my parents. They abandoned me,” she begins, and he sets his fork down, giving her his full attention, amber eyes burning into hers. She can't hold that intense gaze while she’s opening herself up so utterly, so she looks down at her plate as she speaks.

“I went through several foster homes, some good, some not so good. All that time I kept telling myself that my parents would come back for me someday, that they would find me and take me to wherever my real home was.” She glances back at him, seeing the sympathy soften his eyes. He just sits there, waiting, not pressing her, letting her spin out the story for herself, and she can't help it that her tone grows bitter here. “I hung on to that for years. For too long really. When I got to my teens, I realised that was just a pipe dream...”

She trails off, blinking furiously, trying not to let the tears well up and over. A large warm hand covers hers reassuringly.

“Rey,” his voice is impossibly soft. “You don't _have_ to tell me any of this you know, if it's too painful.”

She takes a deep breath. “No, I want you to know. I want you to know where I come from. I'm a bit broken. I want you to know all of me, the broken bits too.”

She can see the empathy shining from his eyes. “Rey...I ...I'm broken too. I think everyone is in their own way to be honest.”

She nods mindlessly, drawing strength from the warm wrap of his hand around hers.

“My last foster home, it was with a man called Unkar Plutt. I was 16,” she laughs humorlessly. “He told me he had nothing to worry about, that I was 'legal'.”

She feels his hand tighten over hers, and sees his jaw draw tense and his eyes narrow.

“Rey,” his voice is both soft and dangerous. It’s the same voice he used on the drunk man in the library who had grabbed at her. “What did he do?”

“Nothing. Not that he didn't try to, First it was just comments that could have been construed as innocent. Then as time went by the comments got a bit more blatant. The way he looked at me, it was...ugh,” she shudders. “Then one night he tried it on with me, tried to touch me, that's when he said it didn't matter because I was 'legal;” She looks up at him fiercely, “But I'm strong, and I’m quick, I got away before anything happened, and then I just ran and ran.”

“Where does this man live?” Ben grits out, and she can see his jaw flex compulsively. She just shakes her head at him.

“It doesn't matter. What matters is that I got away Ben.” He doesn't look remotely like he thinks it doesn't matter, though. Somehow she just _knows_ that if she were to give him Plutt's address right now, he would drive over there and there is a good chance that Plutt wouldn't make it through the night. It should scare her, that she believes him to be capable of such violence, but somehow it doesn't. She knows the softness and tenderness inside of him, and his protectiveness only makes her feel safer. She rubs her hand over his soothingly, and continues her tale.

“I lived on the streets for a while. It's not the safest for a young woman, but I survived, and nobody ever hurt me like that again. It was hard though. Freezing in the winter. Sometimes you could get a room in the hostel, but there were so many homeless people, you could only stay for two nights.”

She rubs her hand against her face, and then through her hair uncomfortably.

“I had to go through the supermarket bins for food to find stuff they'd thrown away, stuff I could eat. I had to steal,” she admits guiltily, before looking up at him warily, but finding only naked sympathy in his eyes. “So that's why _any_ other food is a step up from that.”

“You did what you had to, to survive,” he tells her firmly. “There's no shame in that.”

She nods. “I know. I still feel guilty about the stealing though. It was so lonely out there on the streets. So many people get sucked in by drugs out there, and y'know I can understand why. Life was so bloody miserable that blurring the days away seemed like a good idea I guess. I never touched them though.”

He nods approvingly. “How did you get out?” he asks.

“One day this woman came round speaking to everyone, Amilyn Holdo. I thought she was one of those religious types at first and I wanted nothing to do with that. But she was so easy to trust, so kind, so helpful.” She blinks furiously, trying to clear her eyes of the tears that have gathered. “It had been so long since someone had been kind to me, I couldn't even remember the last time. She worked for an agency that helped homeless youth. She helped me get back on my feet, helped me find a flat, set up a bank account, start working in an office doing basic admin. She saved my life, basically. I worked there for a while, then a job came up at the library in this town, and I'd always wanted to be a librarian. I managed to get the job and moved here, and....” She gestures towards the window and the twinkling lights that are beginning to sparkle across the town as the gloom outside deepens. “Here I am.”

He's quiet for a moment, just looking at her, studying her face, while she blinks back her unshed tears.

“Rey, I am _so_ sorry you had to go through that. Thinking of that man, Plutt, what he nearly did to you.” His other hand comes up onto the table, curled into a tight fist and trembling, skin whitening with the strength of his grip. “And thinking of you alone on the streets, so young and vulnerable, just...” he makes a choked sound, something both frustrated and helpless.

She lifts her chin proudly and looks him straight in the eye. “I survived. I was strong enough to get through it, and I'm stronger for it than ever.”

The grip of his hand around hers eases a little. “You did survive,” he says. “Thank goodness. You know you're amazing, right?”

She's taken off guard by the compliment and finds herself flushing. “Er..no...yes...I don’t know what to say to that,” she laughs.

He stands, stepping over to her seat and pulling her up and into him, wrapping her in his arms and surrounding her with his warmth and his scent. “You are. Completely and utterly amazing. Everything you’ve been through and you still shine this brightly.”

She‘s lost for words as he just gazes down at her adoringly. He brings his hand to her cheek, and then he's bending down to capture her mouth in his. All her pain falls away and everything but him is forgotten as he holds her and licks into her mouth. She hums happily as the kiss stretches out and they reacquaint themselves with the feel of each other’s mouths. Eventually he pulls back and looks down at her, something in his gaze burning brightly.

“Netflix?” he asks, taking her by surprise. Honestly, she thought he was going to take her to the bedroom. She wonders if he's taking this 'going slow' thing too seriously. She thought she'd made it obvious how much she _wants_ him. But rubbing her full stomach absentmindedly she realises Netflix is, in fact the wisest idea for now while they let their dinner settle. She nods at him, agreeing “Netflix.”

*

They choose a fantasy series and watch a few episodes, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, fingers playing through her hair. He comments on the episodes frequently as they roll by, his enthusiasm for the subject matter clear, and when the credits roll at the end of the third episode, she turns to him playfully.

“So, I’m going to guess what you're writing again...and I'm guessing it's a fantasy story.”

She looks at him expectantly. His lips quirk, and then he covers his eyes groaning slightly.

“I'm right, aren't I!” Rey is triumphant as he nods from behind his hands. “So what's it about? Magic? Wizards? Dragons?”

He's looking at her amused as she babbles, and she takes one of his large hands in hers, marvelling at the way she can wrap both of her hands about it and it still doesn't quite fit. “Well?” she urges. “Go on.”

He purses his lips looking at her, and Rey can tell he's deciding exactly how much to share with her.

“There's magic...” He admits slowly. “The main character, he's the bastard son of a prince. He's not so much your straightforward hero. He's sort of flawed. Conflicted. He has a lot of darkness inside him.”

He trails off, and Rey nods at him encouragingly. “They take him into the royal family, to keep him close so that he doesn't try and claim the throne one day. They train him as an assassin. But he has a magic, where he can talk to animals and make bonds with them...” he trails off slightly, flushing slightly and looking embarrassed, so she strokes his hand soothingly.

“There's a lot of politics and court intrigue. It's less about the magic really, more about the characters, their motivations, the magic is just secondary to that."

“That sounds really interesting,” she tells him. “So...no dragons then?” She says with mock disappointment.

He runs his hand through his hair self consciously. “Well... there might in fact be dragons by the third novel in the trilogy,” he admits

“Wow, you already have the whole trilogy planned? That's so cool.”

“I've been creating this story in my head since I was a teenager,” he tells her. “I have a pretty good plan of what’s going to happen and where it's going to go.”

She meets his eye, and says softly, seriously. “Thanks for telling me. For trusting me,”

He nods fractionally, and a silence falls between them, and then they're just sitting there on the sofa looking at each other, that strange energy thrumming between them. It makes the air in the room feel heavy, and Rey's mouth goes dry as she suddenly feels both nervous and filled with anticipation.

He leans into her, his lips hovering over hers, his breath brushing against her face. He presses a soft kiss to her mouth, to her nose, to her forehead, before slotting his mouth over hers and gently running his tongue along the seam of her lips. She opens herself to him, and just like every time he kisses it's like a vibration moves through her whole body at the soft wetness of his mouth. She can feel herself shaking with anticipation as warmth floods her chest and spreads down lower deep in her belly, sinking in between her legs.

He takes his time, kissing her thoroughly, his tongue sliding against hers. His hand runs through her hair, over her face, down her arms. Rey whimpers a little in the back of her throat with frustration. Before she can second guess what she's about to do, she turns and hooks her leg over his lap, so that she's straddling him as he sits there. His eyes open a little in surprise, and a soft smile plays along the corners of his lips. She studies his face, his full mouth, wondering at exactly how many times she has seen him smile now, thinking back to the dark and brooding stranger she had first met only three months ago.

“Hmmm?” he queries as she studies him.

“Just thinking,” she answers. “When you first started coming to the Library, you never used to smile. You were always so bloody serious! That's why I came and talked to you the first time, I bet Rose that I could make you do it.”

He raises one eyebrow at her. “And what did you bet?”

“A coffee”

He snorts with laughter. “I might have guessed.”

“You smile so much more now,” she tells him.

He shifts slightly under her, making her all too aware that her core is pressed against his, and sending another rush of tingling warmth through her body. She leans forward, kissing his jaw, then his neck, sweeping her tongue over the salty skin there.

He sighs a little, before whispering in her ear, his lips brushing against her and making her shiver, “ _You_ make me smile, Rey.” He fists his hand into her hair and pulls her head to the side so that he can kiss and nip at her neck. He kisses his way up, soft open-mouthed kisses, before biting gently at her ear.

She bucks her hips against him involuntarily when his teeth tug at her earlobe, and she can feel him hardening in his jeans, the stiff length of him pressing against her where she needs it most. She gyrates her hips experimentally, making herself blush with her own boldness, and his head falls back, eyes fluttering closed.

The pale column of his neck lies exposed and she mouths at him again, kissing and scraping her teeth against the tender skin there, soothing with her tongue afterwards. He moans under her mouth, so responsive to her and she pulls back, grinding against him again. His head comes up to look at her, and his amber eyes are blown black with lust.

She cards her fingers through his hair as she watches him carefully, running her fingernails across his scalp as she gyrates against him, mapping out his moans and sighs. It's such a strange and heady feeling of power, making this strong and powerful man make such helpless noises under her body, and she revels in it.

His hands run over the fabric of her top and up her ribs, coming to cup her breasts, before flicking his thumb over her hardening nipples . t’s not quite enough, there are too many layers in the way, but it still makes her gasp as he pinches the hardening peaks gently between his thumb and forefinger.

“Bedroom?” he questions, his gaze boring into her.

She nods, and then he's sliding his hands under her backside, lifting her as effortlessly as if she were a doll. He walks them to his bedroom and as he spins around she glimpses a bed covered with black sheets. Before they can make it there though, he distracts them both by pressing her up against a wall. Her legs stay wrapped around his waist as he kisses her deeply and ruts himself gently against her providing her with the delicious friction she is aching for. To her shame, she can feel herself growing unbelievably wet for him as the firmness in his pants rubs against her core.

Breaking their kiss, she gasps at him, “Ben...bed.”

He obliges, turning and carrying her to the bed, laying her down gently. He looks ruined, his hair sticking out crazily from where she has been running her fingers through it, his lips kiss swollen, and his cheeks flushed as he breathes quickly. He pulls his top off, and she's met with the gorgeous sight of his washboard abs and defined pecs. He's utterly gorgeous, and she wonders if he even has the slightest clue just how attractive he is.

“You're gorgeous,” she tells him. “You're completely beautiful.”

“Says the gorgeous creature lying on my bed,” he replies, dodging the compliment.

He hesitates for a moment, standing there in just his jeans not seeming to know what to do next. She grasps his dilemma . “And the rest. Jeans off too,” she tells him.

He complies immediately, stripping his jeans off quickly until she can see his cock straining against his tight boxers. She gives herself a self satisfied smile and he looks at her ruefully.

“This is all your fault,” he tells her as he joins her on the bed. “This is what you do to me.”

Then he's pulling her top off and unhooking her bra, mouthing at her breasts and sucking her nipples in one by one, releasing them with an obscene pop. She lies back, letting out soft sighs as he works one breast with his hand and one with his mouth. He swaps between them, lavishing each with equal attention and Rey feels herself approaching boiling point, as if she's going to explode if his hands don’t wander down to where she desperately needs them to soon. She rubs her thighs together impatiently, trying to grain some friction, and he chuckles at her wriggling.

“What do you want Rey?” He asks, and despite all her earlier boldness, she's suddenly shy when she has to speak the words out loud.

“I want...I want...”

“Hmmm?” He's looking up at her as he mouths at her nipple. He bloody well knows what she wants, and she knows he just want to hear her say it. She doesn't know why it's so hard to get the words out.

“I want you to touch me. Please,” she utters eventually.

“Good girl,” he tells her, smiling triumphantly, and while part of her wants to give him a good shove for the smug look on his face, the words also sent a hot stab of desire through her. He moves slowly down her body, kissing as he goes and fiddling at the buttons of her jeans, before stripping them off, taking her underwear with them.

He presses a large palm to one thigh and then the other, urging her legs open so that she's spread open before him. She feels exposed and vulnerable as his gaze sweeps up and down her body, coming to settle between her legs, and she’s suddenly self conscious about what he thinks of her body. She can’t quite meet his eye when he’s looking at her like this, but she doesn't have to wonder for too long what he's thinking, as he tells her.

“My god Rey, you're so beautiful.” His thumb sweeps through her folds, making her tremble. “You're just perfect. You're so fucking wet for me” His tone is worshipful, and when she finally looks up at him again, his eyes are fixed on the movement of his hand over her core.

He circles one thick finger around her entrance, before sliding it inside her and beginning to work it slowly in and out as she moans in desire. His eyes come up to meet hers, heavy lidded and dark with lust. “Fuck, Rey.”

His thumb swipes rhythmically over her clit as he adds a second finger, pumping into her faster now. Rey can feel the first tendrils of orgasm beginning to burn inside her and she can’t help but buck up, her hips meeting his hand with every thrust.

Suddenly he crooks his fingers inside her, pressing against her front walls, and she jerks, uttering a surprised “Oh!”” at the unfamiliar sensation, her eyes flying to his.

He smiles at her knowingly. “Just relax, it's okay.”

And she knows it's okay...it's more than okay, it's fucking amazing, and she wants to tell him this but somehow she cant get the words out as he pumps in and out and curls his fingers against her again so that they drag against that sensitive spot inside her. His thumb continues working her sensitive nub, and Rey can feel her orgasm coming on like a freight train, but it's like nothing she's ever felt before. There’s a hot and unfamiliar sensation inside her that she’s never experienced, and she looks at him in panic, not understanding quite what’s happening to her.

“It’s ok,” he soothes, his voice reassuring. “Just let go, Rey.”

Then his fingers are driving her into a writhing frenzy, taking over her mind and body until she’s fisting the sheets in her hands and moaning mindlessly. In a crashing wave of white hot euphoria, her orgasm sheets over her. She clamps down on his hand, body going rigid, as she feels herself actually gush wetness out over his fingers, her slickness coating his hand and her thighs as she shouts his name helplessly. She goes limp, lower body still spasming, her mind nothing but a fuzz of pleasure.

“What the fuck?” she sighs eventually, opening her eyes to see Ben watching her, his cock now straining at the front of his boxers, his eyes hooded and dark.

“Good?” he asks her, and she nearly laughs.

“Good?” She says incredulously. “Beyond good. I made a mess though.” She's suddenly very embarrassed about the slick coating her thighs and his fingers. She begins to sit up, intending to clean up the mess she has made, but a large hand pushes her gently back down onto the bed.

“Don’t worry, I'll clean this up,” he tells her, before shuffling backwards and bringing his face down between her thighs. Her embarrassment leaves her as suddenly as it came as he licks at the tender skin of her inner thighs.

He works his way up to her core, lapping at her like she's the most delicious thing he's ever tasted. She's over sensitised and jerks against him as he flattens his tongue on her clit, but he just keeps licking at her, softly at first and then with increasing fervour, his tongue relentless. He works her gradually up to a second orgasm, one which comes at her slower this time, in heavy waves through her body which leave her shuddering.

She's totally boneless by the time he crawls his way back up the bed, wiping his mouth with his hand as he goes and then pressing soft kisses to her mouth. She opens to him eagerly, tasting herself on his tongue as he cradles her head in his hands.

As they kiss, her hand wanders down to the now very prominent bulge in his boxer shorts, palming over him and eliciting a sharp gasp. She tugs and pushes at the band of them, until he finally pulls his boxers down and wriggles out of them, and then she can feel the hot length of him against her thigh, steel sheathed in velvety softness. He's so hard that she thinks it must actually be painful, and she longs for him to bury himself into her.

She strokes him for a few moments while he gasps into her ear, before wriggling until the tip of him is positioned at her entrance. His head comes up suddenly and he looks at her sharply.

“Rey, it's ok, you don’t have to -”

“But I want to, “ she tells him firmly. “I want it to be you.”

He looks at her, searching her eyes for something. “You're sure?” he whispers.

“Absolutely,” she tells him. Then adds shyly, “I've got the contraceptive implant, to help with my cycle, and I've never done anything at all like this apart from with you, so I'm clean. You?”

His eyes widen a little at what she's offering to him, before he nods. “There's been nobody since my last medical,” he confirms.

He's still hesitating though, so she gathers up all her bravery and tells him, “Ben, I want you badly. I want you to be the first person to ever be inside me like that.” _And the last,_ a sly part of her mind interjects, but she chooses to ignore it.

That's all he needs it seems, because then he's pressing into her slowly and she widens her legs to accommodate him. She feels her walls stretch as he negotiates himself into her, and there’s a sudden sharp pain which makes her gasp. He freezes, looking at her with a question in his eyes, and she forces herself to breathe slow and steady until the pain recedes.

She nods at him again when she’s ready for him to move, and she can see the reluctance in his face to do anything further which might hurt her. “Please,” she begs him shamelessly, and finally he pushes forwards again.

There’s still a slight sting and a burn, but he goes oh so slowly, watching her face intently for any signs of discomfort. Finally, after a maddening amount of time, he’s buried in her to the hilt, his pelvis flush against hers. There’s still a mild burning sensation, and he kisses her as he lies still, giving her time to adjust around him and to get used to the way he fills her. She relaxes more and more as they kiss, the burning sensation giving way to a simply delicious sensation of being filled utterly by him. She has never felt so close to anyone in her life, and her heart flutters inside her chest at the sense of intense intimacy and connection she feels with him right now. Eventually she wriggles underneath him impatiently, and he begins moving inside her. He starts out with slow long strokes that drag against her walls, and he's so big inside her, stretching her out to her limit, and she feels so small underneath him, that it makes her head spin hazily in pleasure as he fucks her.

He braces his arms and looks down at her, and his eyes and mouth look so positively sinful that she’s desperate to taste him again, and she leans up to capture his lips. Their kisses become deeper, harder, more frenzied as she begins to tilt her pelvis up to meet each thrust, moaning into his mouth. He begins to move faster inside her now, thrusting in deeper and gasping her name and mindless endearments against her mouth. She swallows each word down eagerly.

She wraps her legs around his hips, her fingernails digging into his smooth backside urging him into her deeper and faster. He gives her a heated look before changing the angle of his hips slightly, pumping into her with a slight scooping motion that presses his cock against her front walls, and ignites within her the same burning heat that his fingers inside her created. His hand snakes down between their slick skin to rub at her tender nub as he fucks her, and she feels herself grow wetter, even as she begins to tighten around him.

Eventually she comes, crying out as she feels herself tip over into a third orgasm of the evening, the sensation of clenching around his hard length an utterly wonderful pleasurable ache. His hips stutter and he follows her over the edge just moments later, pulsing inside of her and chanting her name over and over, until they collapse together, a tangle of limbs and sweat and messy kisses.

*

They sleep soon after that, Rey encompassed in the cradle of his arms, the slight soreness between her legs a reminder of what they have just shared. Her sleep is deep and dreamless, undisturbed by his nightmares. The following morning, though, as she lies in bed watching him dress, she notes that he is quieter than usual and she can see that haunted look in his eyes. It makes her suspect he has in fact endured his usual dark dreams, but she says nothing, simply watching him with sympathy and feeling the happy squeeze in her chest at waking up with him again for the second morning running.

It’s easier to get out of bed here than at her place, mainly because it’s not absolutely freezing, and she doesn’t feel the need to stay bundled up in the warmth of the duvet. When she rises and makes her way to the kitchen area, he is in the middle of making pancakes from scratch for breakfast. The man really is an endless wonder. Gorgeous, sweet and gentle, and a good cook. And despite her having no frame of reference, he is also clearly fantastic in bed if the last two nights are to be taken as evidence. Most of all though he makes her feel _safe_ and _not alone_ , and that’s worth everything. She wonders how she got so lucky.

As they sit munching on their pancakes, Ben darts his eyes up to hers and asks tentatively, “Spend Christmas day with me?”

Her heart does a little hopeful thud at the invitation, but she doesn’t agree immediately. “You definitely aren't going to go back to the States to see your mom then?” she queries. While she understands that there's a rift between them, she can't quite get her head round the fact that they spend Christmas day apart. “Won't she be alone?”

He barks out a laugh. “My mother has more friends than you could possibly imagine, and my uncle will be there with her anyway. No, my mother is _never_ alone at Christmas. That's just a small part of the reason I don't go over. Too many people I don’t really know.”

She chews on her food as she's thinking. “Have you ever tried talking things out with your mom, you know, since you fell out?”

He looks at her sharply as he pours more syrup onto his pancakes. “No. I mean, she rings me from time to time. But neither her nor my father approved of the path I took after leaving the Marines.” He runs his hand through his hair, a habit she's begun to recognise as something he does when he's stressed, confused or unhappy. “There were a lot of awful things that were said – on both sides. I effectively cut them out of my life then. Even if I wanted to mend things with my mom, I don't have a clue how to. And I suspect she will never forgive me for not being there when my father died. I know I don't forgive myself for that.” He shakes his head ruefully, avoiding eye contact with her, the corners of his mouth turned down unhappily.

“Your father died of cancer didn't he?” Rey ventures softly, and he nods.

“At the end, when he was in the hospice, he was asking for me. My mother begged me to visit. I don't know whether he wanted to make amends or whether he wanted to give me a final lecture on how he didn't approve of my life. I just...I couldn't face it Rey. The last time we'd seen each other we'd both said such awful things. I couldn't go through that again. I know you might think I'm selfish for that,” he looks up at her, a sheen of unshed tears glazing his eyes. “At the time I was in a really bad headspace, I was all over the place, just a total mess. And I couldn't think of anything worse than going to see him.”

“And now?” She asks.

“Now, I wish I had.” He shrugs. “Families are complicated.”

Rey knows that, that families argue and fight and that sometimes there's bad blood, but she can see in Ben's eyes and his body language how he regrets not being there for his father at the end. She wishes so much that she could help to mend things between him and his mother. It would surely be worth the effort for him to at least try, especially as she suspects that Leia might forgive her son much more easily than he imagines. Things are surely different now that he’s made a new life for himself, well away from whatever business he was mixed up in previously.

An uneasy silence falls between them as they eat breakfast, filled only with the clinking of cutlery on crockery. After they've done, he washes the dishes, then turns to face her as he wipes his hands clean of the suds on a kitchen towel.

“Do you think badly of me?” he asks, eyes downcast to the floor.

Rey jumps up, feeling guilty that he has taken her thoughtful silence as disapproval. She goes to him, resting her hands on his waist and looking up at him.

“No, Ben, not at all,” she reassures. “Even though it's not something I've ever had, I do understand that families can be complicated. And I understand why you're not going home for Christmas. It's just... you said they disapproved of whatever it was you were doing back then. But you're not doing that anymore are you? You're an author now. Your life is different. Perhaps it's time to build bridges. I think your mother would be proud to know that you're following in her footsteps.”

He hums noncommittally as she strokes her hands up and down over his ribs, before finally conceding, “I guess.”

She smiles up at him in approval, and he runs his hands into her hair, tugging her back so he can claim her mouth with a soft kiss.

“So...” he says. “Spend Christmas day with me?”

“I thought it was 'just another day',” she teases, disguising the immensely pleased flush that goes through her body at his invitation.

He mock-frowns at her. “It's just another day when I spend it alone. But spending it with you, it'll actually feel like Christmas day.”

She reaches up for his neck, tugging him down for another quick kiss.

“Yes. I'd love to.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Ben had taken Rey back home on Saturday afternoon after a leisurely brunch, and kissed her goodbye tenderly with a promise to meet up with her at Maz’s and buy her coffee first thing on Monday morning before work. She had then proceeded to think of him entirely too much, and spent the remainder of the weekend filled to the brim with a bubbling giddy sense of happiness and excitement. She had run through the previous two nights in her head over and over, reminding herself of his gentleness when he touched her, the smoky scent of him, the feel of his hardness inside her, and his mouth on her body. Most of all though she thought of his eyes, deep enough to hold entire galaxies, deep enough to fall into and get lost forever (and, oh my, was she getting lost); and his low yet soft voice and the way it sounded when he moaned her name into her ear. Parts of her body that had been long asleep had apparently been awakened. She had gone from a general disinterest in sex to thinking about it frequently, and she had spent a not insignificant amount of time running her hands over herself in wonder, trying to replicate the feel of his heavy touch on her body. It felt good, but it was nothing like when he did it.

She had wondered if this was what it felt like for everyone, falling for someone. This feeling that everything was right with the world, this invincible feeling of lightness as though floating through life effortlessly, this warmth inside knowing there was someone else there who you could turn to. She’d skimmed many Mills and Boon romance novels in her time at the library, mostly chuckling quietly with amusement at their overwrought tales of romance and passion, filled with unlikely seeming scenarios, hopelessly swooning women, and dark and suspiciously charming suitors. Was the joke on her? Were they right all along? Finally she had forced herself to get a grip, actually done her errands and her laundry, and tried to read a book in an attempt to fill her mind with something other than him.

Her bed had still smelled of his aftershave when she settled down in it on Sunday, leftover from the previous Thursday they had spent at hers. It was warm and smoky, slightly sweet, and she had breathed in it deeply, imagining him to be there with her. 

Then there had been his wide smile when she walked into the coffee shop this morning, followed by his all encompassing embrace and soft kisses pressed to her hair. Maz had looked on approvingly, giving the both of them a satisfied nod, as if this was only what she had expected all along, before refusing to let them pay for their coffees. 

Now she’s walking into the Library with him, hand in hand. Her _boyfriend_.

Rose looks at them both with an excited expression on her face when the doors swing wide and the warmth and the smell of books hits them in the face. She wiggles her eyebrows at Rey suggestively, and Ben snorts softly with amusement next to her. She gives Rose a furious glare in response. Rose looks appropriately chastened, though she’s still grinning, and disappears around the other side of the shelving. Ben sweeps a thumb over Rey’s cheek and kisses her nose, before retreating to a comfortable chair in the corner and pulling out his laptop while Rey goes to take off her coat and put her bag away.

Rose is waiting impatiently at the desk when Rey leaves the cloakroom, and immediately pulls her around the bookshelf in the middle of it, out of Ben’s sightline. 

“So?” she whispers urgently. 

Rey looks around self consciously, loathe to impart the details to Rose in whispers in the middle of the library. 

“We're together, like boyfriend and girlfriend together,” she whispers back. “He asked me to spend Christmas day with him.”

“Oh. My. God.” Rose mouths silently, before giving her a beaming smile. “You're seeing the dark lord. I'm so happy for you!”

Rey stifles a laugh and then smiles back, her heart filling up with warmth. This last weekend it had felt like she and Ben were wrapped in their own little bubble, as if what happened had occurred in some parallel universe, or else perhaps in some crazy fever dream that would slip through her grasp when the mundane normality of the working week returned. But now it's out there, it’s _real_ , and that makes Rey's heart sing. She's unused to having somebody else be so invested in her happiness, so Rose's clear care and excitement for her warms her insides as well. 

“Listen,” Rose continues, “I was going to ask you anyway, but now I definitely have to ask you, come round to mine tonight for food and bad TV and you can fill me in on all the details?”

Rey nods enthusiastically to Rose's invitation. All at once, out of nowhere, her life is filling up with social activities involving both friends and an actual boyfriend. People want to see her, want to be with her. They want to share her life with her, and share theirs in return. The feeling is alien, but not at all unwelcome. Rey knows she has huge walls inside her. They were built up in her previous life out of necessity, forged in grim circumstances and the struggle for survival, but now she can feel the cracks in them beginning to web out. She can feel them begin to crumble, stones toppling down haphazardly under this assault of friendship and compassion. It's a strange feeling and something inside her chafes at the sensation, warning her, _be careful, don’t trust, you’ll get hurt, you’re stronger alone._ But even as she makes herself vulnerable like this, somehow it makes her feel stronger than she’s ever been, and that has to count for something. So she tunes the little voice out and makes the conscious choice to trust the people who are drawing close around her. 

Ben takes her for lunch that day, before heading home, leaving her with a searing kiss and the promise that he'll see her later in the week. “And then for Christmas,” he whispers to her, giving her a small secret smile.

*

That night she visits Rose's neat little house again and sits cross legged on the sofa as they munch their way through an Indian takeaway. 

“By the way,” Rose tells her as she passes over the bombay potatoes, “Finn and Poe are coming around on Christmas Eve-Eve for drinks and food, and you're invited.”

“Christmas Eve-Eve?” Rey is perplexed.

“Yeah, the night before Christmas Eve, so it's called Christmas Eve-Eve. Or that's what Finn calls it anyway. In other words, this Friday. So are you gonna come? Poe and Finn were asking after you on friday night, I think they were a bit sad you weren’t there. If you need tempting, I've got you a present and so have they.”

“Yeah, for sure, that sounds fab,” Rey smiles happily, inordinately pleased by the news that Finn and Poe were asking after her, her mind already skipping forward to wondering what presents she can buy for them in return.

Rose demands to know all of the gossip about her and Ben, and there's a peculiar pleasure in sitting there with a girlfriend and opening up about her life and the important things in it that are happening. Rose is easy to talk to, and over the months Rey has slowly built up a trust in the short black-haired girl, and she makes her feel comfortable in spilling the exciting details. Again, it's something she's never had before, and as she chats away to Rose she realises for the first time how lacking her life has been without female company in it.

She fills Rose in on their activities that weekend, skating over details about Ben's nightmares, about his broken relationships with his parents, and about the fact that there's clearly something both dark and complicated in his past which he feels he can't tell her and which still clearly haunts him nearly every night. Rose is an attentive and eager listener, making the right noises in all the right places, and genuinely invested in Rey’s happiness it seems. 

Rose’s eyebrows raise in surprise though, when she tells her that she lost her virginity. 

“I mean, I'm not surprised you boned,” she says frankly, making Rey blush. “But I didn't realise it was your first time. Gosh, Rey, that's pretty huge.” Rose laughs suddenly. “It's exactly the Mills and Boon that we said he was writing, 'The Dark Lord and His Virgin Princess'.”

Rey snorts and then shrugs shyly. “Well it's not like I've ever had much chance before. He's my first boyfriend. My first everything.”

She likes the way that word sounds in her mouth, likes the sound of it resonating in the air. _Boyfriend_. 

“I’ve been single for way too long,” Rose says thoughtfully. “I can’t even remember the last time I had sex. Finn keeps telling me to try online dating, but it just feels weird, like it’s forced.”

“Well, is there anyone you actually like at the moment?” Rey asks.

Rose goes quiet, and flushes a little. “Yeah, but it’s someone way out of my league, so there’s no point.”

Rey snorts derisively. “I wouldn’t bet on it, you’re gorgeous. Come on, spill the beans, you know everything about me and Ben now. Who is it?” She nudges at Rose playfully, an encouraging look on her face. 

“Uh. Well. you know the archivist? The blonde one?” Rey thinks of the blonde haired and doe eyed archivist called Kaydel, who works down in the dusty depths of the archives and local history section. She pictures her and Rose together. They would make an adorable couple for sure. She resolves to, somehow, find out if Kaydel is single or not. 

“You mean Kaydel?” Rey asks. “So totally not out of your league.”

“Yeah, but the problem is a) i don’t know if she’s single and b) i don’t know if she even likes girls.”

“Well, what did you tell me when i didn’t know if Ben was single or not? _Ask her_.”

Rose waves her hand noncommittally before grabbing the remote and starting to flick through options on Netflix, not really giving her any solid answer. Rey rolls her eyes. This is one she will have to work on, gradually.

Just then, her phone pings, and muttering an apology to Rose she opens the screen to find a message from Ben.  
 __

_Ben: I know this is ridiculous, but I miss you already._

Her heart does a little flutter at that, and she quickly types back.

_Rey: Well I'm ridiculous too then, because I miss you as well._

She glances up at Rose, but she's already busy tapping away on her own phone now, so she returns her attention back to her own phone wondering if he'll message her again. He does, after just a few moments.

_Ben: You up to anything fun this evening?_

_Rey: I'm at Rose's, we've had Indian takeaway and a catch up, and I think now we're going to watch some TV._

_Ben: Does she still approve of me :P_

_Rey: Oh yeah, definitely. Though she's still calling you the dark lord_

_Ben: It's the black clothes isn't it? And the height?_

_Rey: Also the brooding and the looming._

_Ben: Ah yes, my two key skill-sets_

_Rey: You up to much?_

_Ben: Just writing. And thinking of you. Mostly thinking of you. You're very distracting._

_Rey: I apologise, I shall endeavour not to be a distraction_

_Ben: Impossible. You don't even have to try to be distracting. You just are._

“Is that the man himself?” Rose asks, a smile on her face.

“Yeah, sorry,” Rey replies.

“No, don't stop on my account. Just tell him hi from me. And that if he hurts you he'll have me to answer to. And I'll kick his shins. All that protective friend sort of stuff.” 

Rose turns her attention back to flicking through Netflix, and Rey taps out a reply to him

_Rey: Rose says hi. And that if you hurt me she'll hurt you. Or something._

_Ben: Well I’d best not do that then. I wouldn't fancy my chances facing off against Rose. Good job I've got no intention of hurting you :)_

_Rey: Good, I'm glad. I'd best go in a minute, me and Rose are going to relax and watch some telly._

_Ben: No worries sweetheart._

It's the first time he's used an endearment for her, and Rey's belly does a little flip. She's always scoffed at people's pet names and endearments, but now that she's the recipient it makes her a little giddy with warmth and excitement. 

_Rey: Sweetheart. I like that._

_Ben: Good, cos I liked calling you that. I'll see you in the library tomorrow evening? Give you a lift home on your late._

_Rey: If you're lucky I might even invite you in._

_Ben: I can't wait xxx_

_Rey: xxx_

Rose has found something to watch and they spend the evening alternately laughing and gasping with horror and incredulity through three episodes of Tiger King. 

*

The rest of the week running up to Christmas on the Sunday flies by, speeded along by the constant sense of bubbling excitement and happiness located somewhere in Rey’s chest.

The library is relatively quiet, as it always is at this time of year. Only the hard core of daily newspaper and journal readers bother to come in, along with those people without a home who are seeking to keep warm all day, and the occasional harassed looking parent returning their children’s books before Christmas. The town centre outside their doors though is in a frenzy of lights, music, and stressed shoppers rushing to and fro with bags full of presents. There’s a small market on the town hall square, and the smell of hot mulled wine, sizzling meat and roasting chestnuts drifts through the air when you walk by it. Rey usually hates all of this and avoids it where she can. It's hard to get a sense of the Christmas spirit when you've got nobody to celebrate with and are spending the day alone. This year it feels different though. Somehow the Christmas lights make her smile, the music isn't quite as irritating, and she isn’t driven mad by the bustling shoppers.

Ben gives her a lift home on her late night on Tuesday. She invites him in, and he spends the evening making her gasp and moan with pleasure, extremely focused on what she needs and helping her to learn what her body likes the best. 

During the night he wakes them both up with his nightmares again, shouting and flailing in the bed next to her. She soothes him, rubbing his back as he gasps, and speaking to him softly. When she presses her hand to his chest, she can feel his heart thudding against her fingers. She can't soothe him though. He's too agitated and his expression is closed off, so she lets him go when he says he needs a few minutes, then listens as he paces back and forth in her main room. She drifts back off to sleep eventually and he slips into bed an indeterminate amount of time later, muttering apologies and squeezing her close to him as though he never wants to let her go. The next morning, before work, he moves slowly and carefully about her, as if he's afraid of scaring her away. She doesn't know how best to reassure him, so she just touches and kisses him as much as she can, seeking out every stolen moment, until she can see him begin to relax bit by bit. .

*

On the wednesday she goes Christmas shopping for the first time ever, 

It's odd to actually have people to buy Christmas presents for. The day had varied wildly from foster home to foster home in terms of gift giving, but now there are actually people in her life who care about her and who she cares about in turn. With only four people to buy for and a steady job, Rey can actually afford to get half decent presents. For Poe and Finn, who she doesn't know as well as she would like, she buys a bottle of good red wine, because she does know that much: they like wine very much. Rose and Ben’s gifts she selects with great care, trying to convey through them just how much the two of them mean to her. 

The main stores don’t hold anything that really speaks to her, but she eventually manages to find something perfect for both of them in a little Fairtrade shop outside of the main shopping area. She's noticed that Ben often makes notes and writes scenes for story ideas in a tatty old journal that is falling apart at the binding. In the shop, she finds a gorgeous leather bound journal, made with good quality paper. There is a dragon carved into the leather cover, coloured with dyes, and an intricate pattern around the edges. It couldn't be a more perfect gift, given what he’s shared with her about the trilogy he is writing. 

She also finds a beautiful woven cotton scarf, threaded through with intricate patterns, in Rose's favourite colours of purple and burnt orange. She smiles to herself as the shop assistant bags it up, knowing that Rose will adore it. 

*

She spends her day off on friday cleaning, reading and excitedly wrapping up the presents she's bought for people. She considers the week she's having and realises with a start that she's never been so busy in her life. She's had Wednesday and Thursday evenings to herself, as well as today, but every other available time outside of work has been filled with Rose and Ben, and now tonight, Finn and Poe as well. It makes the time alone not only bearable, but also welcome. This week she has actually relished the hours she has spent alone, rather than trying to grimly forge through them like in the past. She hasn't spent any time crying into her crocheted blanket, and hasn't been touched by the sense of despair that always accompanies her loneliness. It might just actually be the best week of her entire life so far. 

Ben calls her in the afternoon and she frets a little about not spending the evening with him, but he just laughs at her.

“Rey, you're already giving me more of your time this week than I could have possibly hoped for,” he tells her. “I've got you to myself on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Go, have fun, and I'll bring paracetamol and juice on Saturday, just in case you're hungover.”

In the evening she gets a taxi over to Rose's. When she rings the bell she’s greeted at the door by an excited Poe squealing, “Rey” Great to see you again!!” He sweeps her up into a huge hug and lifts her off the floor, twirling her around in the porch, laughing, and Rey can’t help but laugh back too. 

“Put her down Poe,” Rose says stridently, appearing in the hallway and beckoning Rey in, before slinging her arm over her shoulder and pulling her into a half hugas they walk into the front room. 

“Here she is!” she announces happily to Finn, who gives her a huge smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He gets up and embraces her too, and the whole arrival at Rose’s leaves her blinking and slightly stunned. Stunned in a good way though. She doesn’t think she’s ever been embraced by so many people, and certainly not in such quick succession. It gives her a happy but strange feeling inside. _Acceptance_ , she realises, and _friendship_ , things which had once seemed so impossibly divorced from her life are now here in the very palm of her hands. A few years ago, she could never have imagined herself being in this position. She shakes herself a little internally as Finn hands her a large glass of wine, pulling herself back to the moment and the smiling people around her. 

They order in a takeaway from the local Thai place, and sit there eating, chatting and drinking. Poe stands at the end of the meal and fills everyone's glass before dramatically raising his high in the air and announcing, “I declare a toast! To good wine, good food and good friends!”

Rey dutifully clinks her glass with the others as she giggles, before sipping her wine. 

“And also...” Poe continues, before looking at Rey with a mischievous glint in his eye. “To tall dark strangers who turn into hot new boyfriends. Congrats Rey! ”

Rey blushes and shoots daggers at Rose, who gives her an apologetic glance then just shrugs as if to say, 'what can you do. It's Poe.'

“Er...thanks,” Rey replies, clinking her glass with Finn's.

She spends the next ten minutes blushing and stuttering as she's peppered with questions by Poe who seems overly preoccupied with just how gorgeous Ben might be. Finn sits rolling his eyes, before finally batting at Poe's shoulder saying “Leave the girl alone for goodness sake!”

They swap presents next, and Finn whistles at the bottle of wine from Rey, telling her “This is the good stuff Rey, thanks.”

“She knows what we like,” Poe confirms. “Thanks hun.”

Finn and Poe have bought her a box of expensive dessert themed chocolates, and the pictures on the outside of the box make Rey’s mouth water with anticipation. “We heard from Rose how much you love both desserts and chocolate,” Poe says conspiratorially. “So I thought we’d combine the two. I'm sorry it's not something more original, but by next year we'll know you well enough to get you something a little more unique.”

“No, no, no, it's great. These are fab.” Rey beams at him, and Poe beams right back, all white teeth and dazzling smile. 

Rose is open mouthed at the woven scarf Rey has bought her, rubbing the fabric between her fingers as her eyes glide over the pattern woven into it. “Rey, this is goooorgeous, these are totally my colours!” She wraps it around herself and gets up, doing a little catwalk up and down the living room, posing with the scarf while they all cheer her on. It suits her just as perfectly as Rey thought it would.

Once she’s seated again, Rose shyly hands her a small package wrapped in red foil paper, and Rey opens it eagerly. It's a sterling silver bracelet with a little infinity symbol secured between two of the chain links

“It's a friendship bracelet,” Rose explains, hugging her, her eyes soft. “Cos you're my girl.” She knows that Rose knows how much this will mean to her. Tears start in her eyes as she hugs Rose back fiercely and she blinks them back furiously, overwhelmed but trying to get a grip on how she’s feeling. She immediately puts the bracelet on, holding her hand out and admiring it.

After that, she drinks a little too much wine, but so does everyone else, and the four of them are uproariously drunk by the late evening. Having unsuccessfully tried to work out the rules for Balderdash, they've given up and moved onto the simplicity of Jenga and after Rey makes the pile of wooden blocks topple over for the second time, she groans dramatically. But just then her phone pings and she scrambles for it while Finn is rebuilding the tower of blocks. The only other person in the world who texts her – Rose – is already here, so there's only one other person it can be.

_Ben: Having fun?_

_Rey: Yes lots but OMG I am so drunk,,_

_Ben: Heh, sounds like a fun night. How are you getting home, have you got a lift? Or is everyone else there utterly sloshed as well?_

_Rey: Sloshed. Getting and uberr in an hour :P_

_Ben: Hmm. Not too happy about an uber in your state tbh. I'll come by later and give you a lift_

_Rey: No is ok, I'll be finr_

_Ben: Hand the phone to Rose and tell her to put her address in, please sweetheart._

_Rey: Why r u so goood to me Ben?_

_Ben: Because you're precious, and because you deserve it._

_Rey: The best boyfiend in the world._

_Ben: Boyfiend huh? I'll remind you about that tomorrow. Give the phone to Rose now sweetie, and tell her to put her address in. xxx_

_Rey: ok xxx_

She hands the phone to Rose, just waving her hand at the conversation for Rose to read it when she looks at her quizzically. Rose squeals when she reads it, causing Finn to wince and put his hands over his ears. 

“Oh Rey, he's so sweet,” she gushes as she taps away at the screen.

“This I know,” Rey answers. 

Rose hands her the phone back. “Hey Poe, you're gonna get to check out if you think Ben's hot, cos he's coming in an hour to pick Rey up!”

Poe whoops in excitement, and Rey wonders if Ben knows exactly what he's getting himself into here. 

Drunken Jenga is still going disastrously when the front doorbell goes. A moment later Ben is slowly following Rose into the living room. 

“Hey guys,” he says, looking uncharacteristically shy, running his hand nervously through his hair and pushing it back out of his eyes. 

He’s curling in onto himself a little, as though trying to make himself smaller. He looks distinctly self conscious, Rey notes, and she remembers their conversation in the pub in front of the crackling fire when he admitted to her that he’s always found it hard to get close to people before he met her. She stands to go to him, intending to reassure him with her presence, but she’s interrupted by a sudden shout from Poe who has finally noticed Ben’s arrival. 

“Oh. My. God. Rey! He's completely gorgeous!!!”

“Well, thanks,” Ben replies, laughing slightly. Rey can see the tips of his ears turn just the slightest shade of pink in embarrassment, and it’s utterly adorable. She walks over to him, pressing herself into his side as his arm comes around her, and she can feel his body relax slightly.

Poe turns to Rose accusingly. “He does not look like a cat!”

“A...cat?” Ben narrows his eyes.

“It's a specifically specific breed of cat, it's a very nice cat,” Rose says, nodding sagely and slurring slightly. 

Finn gives a long suffering sigh before at them both, then stands and shakes Ben’s hand.“ I'm Finn, and this scoundrel is Poe,”

Poe stands up looking up at Ben and shakes his hand as well. “You're very tall,” he tells him. 

“So I've been told,” Ben laughs.

“We're all slightly inebriated, I'm afraid,” Rey tells Ben. 

“Well, it is Christmas,” Ben replies, bending to kiss her full on the lips. “Hello sweetheart.” he gives his hands a quick ruffle through her hair, before she leads him over to the sofa and they take a seat, his hand running over her back soothingly. 

“I'm not drunk!” Rose announces as she hands Ben a glass of juice, before unsteadily pouring herself another glass of wine, splashing some on the table. “I am the undefeated Jenga champion and that proves it!”

Finn snorts at that, before turning to Ben. “So, I hear you're a writer?”

“Yep,” Ben affirms, smiling at him. “At least I'm trying to be.”

Rey swats at him playfully, “Don't listen to him Finn, he's got an agent and he got a book deal a few months ago.”

Finn whistles, “That's awesome man, congrats!”

Ben looks bashful, and just waves his hands about dismissively. 

“What did you do before you were an author?” Poe asks, taking a sip of wine. 

Rey feels Ben tense next to her. Nobody else in the room would notice, but his muscles go taut and his hand stills its circular rubbing motion on her back. 

“I was a marine,” he responds lowly. Rey may be drunk, but she knows he's hedging, that a marine isn't all he's been these past few years. She covers for him. 

“He was in the marines for years. But he’s writing a trilogy now,” she says in an attempt to bring the subject back onto the safer ground of Ben’s passion.

“That's cool. You must have seen some action then?” Poe asks inelegantly.

“Yeah. Way too much, to be honest,” Ben is looking into his glass of juice, swirling the contents around.

Rose jumps in to the rescue while Finn gives Poe a reproachful look. “Hey Ben, could you take a photo of us all together pleeeeease,” she sways unsteadily over to them both, holding out her phone. 

“Sure, no problem,” Ben takes the phone and the four of them squeeze together on the couch as he snaps a few pictures of them making silly faces and laughing. Rey stands and goes to kiss him afterwards, his large hands steadying her as she sways slightly. 

“Wanna get going?” she asks.

“No rush, whenever you're ready,” he's smiling down at her, giving her that totally smitten look she keeps seeing on his face, and Rey can't help but stand up on her tiptoes to kiss him again. 

She turns to the others. “We're gonna head home now,” she tells them. 

There's a flurry of hugs and enthusiastic “Merry Christmases.” Ben gets a handshake from Finn, and hugs from both Poe and Rose, Rey notices. He stands there a little stiffly not seeming to know what he’s doing with his hands, but Rey marks the small smile on his face and the slight flush to his ears afterwards, and surmises that he’s surprised but pleased.

He walks her out of the house, stabilising her slightly weaving gait with an arm firmly around her, and she falls asleep almost as soon as the car starts. She awakens to the now familiar sensation of being carried to her front door, and the feel of Ben fishing her jangling keys from her pocket and into the lock.

It's cold in her house, and she's sleepy, head muzzy from the wine. Ben deposits her on the bed, before kneeling at the side of it and unlacing her boots while she smiles at him hazily. He undresses her then, his hands unfailingly soft, and helps her negotiate herself into her pyjamas before tucking her into bed. She shivers until he joins her in under the covers, wrapping his warmth all around her and murmuring endearments into her ear.

Eventually she begins to drift towards sleep. Ben’s strong arms embracing her and his solid chest is at her back, so she can feel the reassuring rise and fall of his breathing. And she just _knows_ without a doubt that this is going to be the best Christmas she’s ever had.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

On the morning of Christmas Eve, Rey awakes to the distinct feeling both that her mouth is filled with cotton wool, and that the pain of a headache is stalking its way around the edges of her skull. Cracking her eyes open she finds Ben standing by the bed, fully dressed and in his winter coat, in the act of placing a plastic cup full of a freshly squeezed juice and two paracetamol tablets on her bedside table. She pushes herself up on her side, blinking up at him blearily. He's looking down at her fondly, and despite her slightly hungover state, she feels her belly do a little flip. 

“You’re up early. What time is it?” She asks him.

He sits down onto the bed next to her, stroking her messy hair back from her face. She must look a fright. She hadn't even taken her mascara off or combed her hair out last night, just let herself be rolled into bed and taken into sleep. She surely has panda eyes and a hairstyle that indicates she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Yet for some strange reason he's looking at her with soft eyes, like she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

He laughs. “Not so early, sweetheart. It's 11.30am already. Thought I'd pop out and get a hangover cure for my beautiful girlfriend.”

Rey groans. “Please tell me I wasn’t embarrassingly drunk.”

He bestows a soft kiss upon her nose. “More like adorably drunk. You called me your ‘boyfiend’ in one of your messages.”

Rey snorts, before squinting suspiciously at the large plastic cup of multi-coloured juice.

“Is this the hangover cure? What's in it?” she says doubtfully.

“Orange, carrot, celery, and lemon juices,” he answers with a smile, stroking her hair all the while. Plus some ginger.”

She makes a face and he laughs. “I promise you it's not going to taste as bad as you think. But more importantly, I promise you that it's going to get rid of that hangover you've got going on.”

“Am not hungover,” she mumbles petulantly, while she puts the straw to her mouth and takes a tentative sip of the juice. It's tangy and sharp against her parched tongue, and she gulps at it greedily. “Hey, that's actually pretty good,”

He nods, and then produces a box packed full of assorted pastries and a couple of plates. She squeals in delight and watches a smug smile spread over his face. 

“Best. Boyfriend. Ever,” she announces, as she snags a pecan plait and begins munching away hungrily, moaning in happiness as the sweetness of it bursts across her tongue. “Seriously though, how did I get so lucky?”

He leans forward and kisses her forehead. “I think, actually, it's me that got lucky,” he responds as he grabs his own pastry. Rey hums doubtfully, but she doesn’t have it in her to argue, so she concentrates on filling her suddenly ravenous belly instead. 

“I got the rest of the food shopping for Christmas and Boxing Day yesterday,” he tells her. “So we're all set for Christmas at mine...if that's still ok with you.”

She nods enthusiastically. She already feels distinctly unsexy in her slightly bedraggled state, and the last thing she wants to do is compound that by answering out loud and spraying pastry flakes all over him as a result. They eat and drink in an easy silence, and Rey finds that he’s right about having the perfect hangover cure. Between the juice and the pastries, she's soon feeling a lot more like herself and is able to haul herself out of bed to get herself showered and clean, and packed up ready to go to Ben's.

She’s only been in his space for one night so far, and she’s looking forward to going back there. Where her flat is busy and bright with an assortment of colours, she had found his place to have a restful tranquility about it. Plus, the last time she was there she had been too...distracted... to have a good look over the large shelves of books that lined one side of his room. And, of course, she’s especially looking forward to actually being somewhere warm where she doesn’t feel like she has to bundle herself up in a minimum of three layers. 

They make their way over to his place, and Rey sighs happily when they get inside, unlacing her boots and pulling her socks off, letting her toes sink into the thick carpet. She wanders immediately over to his bookshelves, while he hangs their coats up and puts some music on. He has a really good home library, she has to admit, as she runs her eyes over the shelves. There’s an impressive collection of books organised by genre, ranging from classics through to a vast amount of sci-fi and fantasy, from non-fiction books on various random topics to a surprisingly large number of poetry books. She pulls one of them out, flicking through the pages. She doesn’t really know a lot about poetry, she has more familiarity with prose, but she’s always wished she could learn to appreciate it more. 

“Dylan Thomas,” he says, and she jumps slightly, not expecting his voice to be so close to her ear. “You’ve gone straight for my favourite,” he muses. His arms come around her waist from behind, and he rests his head on her shoulder as she flicks through the pages, his breath tickling her ear. 

“I’ve always wished I could appreciate poetry better,” she tells him.

“Borrow it,” he replies, brushing a soft kiss to the side of her neck and making her shiver a little, and she nods in assent. 

Rey’s still a little tired from having been drunk the night before, and so they plan to spend the rest of Christmas eve just curled up on the sofa listening to music and watching movies. Before they can settle down though, Ben insists on giving her one of her Christmas presents a day early.

“ _One of_ the presents?” She says, horrified. “But I only got you one!”

“I wouldn't have expected anything Rey, but I'm delighted you got me even one.” He looks at her a little guiltily. 

She bites her lip, looking at him slightly reproachfully and shifting uncomfortably on the sofa. She feels guilty about him buying her multiple things. She doesn’t want him to feel like she expects it of him, and wants him to know that he alone is enough for her. It wouldn’t matter to her if he never bought her a single thing in her life, as long as he just _stays_ with her.

“You know, you don’t need to buy me lots of things Ben,” she tells him. “I’m not the type of girlfriend that expects gifts. It’s enough for me just being with you.”

“I know that sweetheart, of course I do,” he soothes. “I just wanted to spoil my beautiful girlfriend.” He looks at her expectantly, as if waiting for permission, his eyes beseeching.

She heaves a sigh and nods reluctantly, giving in to the inevitable, and he disappears into his bedroom before reappearing with a parcel. She tears into it and feels a smile spread across her face when she discovers it's a pair of extremely fleecy and extremely fluffy Game of Thrones themed pyjamas. The House Stark direwolf emblem is embroidered onto the front. Her favourite house.

“These are amazing.” She strips off instantly, pulling the pyjamas on, delighting in the soft warmth against her skin.

“Now, I'm not saying I want you all covered up when we're in bed,” he teases, “But I thought they'd be good for having a lazy afternoon today, so that's why you're getting them now. Plus I worry about you in that cold bed of yours when I'm not there, and I know these will keep you warm.”

She leans forward and kisses him full on the mouth. “Ben Solo, you really are the best.”

Ben changes into sweatpants and a large comfy hoodie, and snuggles on the sofa with her. Rey delights in their simple domesticity, already so relaxed around each other. He's just so easy to be around that it feels as though they've done this hundreds of times before.The rest of Christmas Eve is spent watching an assortment of movies. Like Rey, Ben doesn't like festive themed movies, so they instead indulge their mutual love of sci-fi and fantasy. She snuggles into bed with him that evening with anticipation in her belly for Christmas Day for the first time that she can ever remember.

*

Rey awakes to the delicious smell of bacon curling through the apartment and the pop and sizzle of the frying pan drifting through to the bedroom. Her mouth immediately starts watering, and the smell is enough to have her out of bed in double time and padding through to the main living space.

Ben smiles at her when he looks up from over the stove top. 

“Hey sweetheart.”

She walks up and presses a kiss to his mouth, hugging him tight for just a moment. “Normally I'd complain about you getting out of bed without waking me and letting me have my way with you, especially for the second morning running. But,” she gestures at the pan. “Bacon.”

He laughs easily. “I knew it'd wake you up. It's like an olfactory alarm clock.”

He plates up a bacon sandwich for them each, and Rey takes a bite, sighing happily. 

“Plus, we have all day for me to fuck you senseless,” Ben says causally and Rey almost chokes on her bacon.

She takes a large gulp of orange juice to clear her throat. “So certain you're going to get laid?” she teases him.

He raises an eyebrow at her. “Am I not?” He says imperiously.

“Hell yeah you are. No question,” she responds, jumping off the high stool and going to wash her hands at the sink. 

“That's what I thought,” he tells her tartly, before giving her a hearty slap on the backside as she passes by. 

It sends an unexpected shiver through Rey, right to her core, and when she turns to him to sass him, she's blushing deeply. He raises an eyebrow at her, looking at her expression with interest.

“You like that?”

She splutters a little, before blushing an even deeper shade of crimson.

“Ah, you do.” He confirms. He's looking at her speculatively, so she just gives him a glare as she turns to wash her hands, wondering what she's got herself into for later. 

*

After breakfast, they swap presents. Or rather, Rey gives him her one present, singular. She’s anxious as she hands Ben the gift. She’s written a note inside on the front page; _To Ben, I’m so glad we found each other, thank you for being you, from your sweetheart, Rey x_. Only now she’s fretting that it’s too cliche, that maybe it’s too much too soon, that it’s too personal, that she’s overstepped. All of that whirls around in her head, on top of her worry that he won’t actually like the journal.

He unwraps it eagerly as she watches intently, and his eyes go wide as he looks at the gift. He runs his fingers over the dragon skilfully carved into the cover, and flips the good quality pages, before opening the front page and seeing the message he's written. Then he gets very very quiet.

“It's for your writing notes,” she mumbles into the silence. “I noticed you had that tatty old journal – and I thought if you had something better – and I remembered that time when I was talking to you about dragons in fantasy – and you said there would be dragons in your series eventually- and...”

She trails off, hoping that he doesn't hate it. A second later though, he looks up at her blinking, and he has a fierce look in his boundless eyes. “Rey, it's beautiful,” he tells her. “It's so thoughtful. I absolutely love it.”

He gives the proof to his words by pulling her into his lap and smothering her face and neck with kisses until she's giggling helplessly as relief spreads through her body.

Next, he goes to the bedroom and Rey can hear cupboard doors opening and closing. He returns with two wrapped parcels and an envelope. Rey feels bad about the single gift she gave, at least that that is until he takes her face between his palms and looks her straight in the eye. 

“Listen to me. You had other friends to buy for. I...well let's just say I didn't have any money worries before, and now I also have a rather generous advance on my novels. I. Expected. Nothing.” He punctuates each word with a kiss to the tip of her nose. 

“Ok,” she agrees. 

“Ok, good,” he gestures to the gifts. 

She opens the envelope first thinking it will be a christmas card, only to find inside a voucher for a spa day for two at a posh spa out in the countryside nearby, including two treatments. It’s something that Rey could never afford, and she gapes at him.

“This is for you and Rose,” he tells her casually.

“Oh my word. Thank you so much Ben! You didn't have to get it for Rose as well!”

“I like her,” he says simply. “Plus, I didn't want you to get lonely.”

The second parcel contains a beautiful jumper in good quality yarn that feels soft against her fingers. The wool is her favourite shade of teal, and the front of it is woven through with intricate cable patterns. She knows that this will be possibly the cosiest item of clothing she has ever owned, and that it will forever remind her of him. “I love it,” she tells him, sincerely. 

Last, is the smallest parcel. She tears the wrapping away carefully, to find a black velvet pouch within. Inside is a smooth silver chain with a gorgeous amber pendant dangling from it. She gasps in awe at its beauty, her eyes filling.

“Ben, this is amazing. I love amber,” she says, her voice a little wobbly. 

“I know. You were telling me about how it's fossilized sunlight on our first official date,” he says, pleased. 

She turns from him, concealing her tears and lifting her hair from her neck for him to fasten the chain. She determines that the only time she'll ever be taking it off this reminder of their first ever date is in the shower or when swimming.

He fastens it, then nuzzles at her neck murmuring, “Ancient sunlight for my Rey of sunshine.”

She tries to blink them back, but eventually the tears overflow, leaving salty tracks down her cheeks. Ben notices and urges her back around to face him, looking at her concerned as he brushes her tears away with his thumb.

“I'm ok,” she hiccups, breath hitching. “I'm just so happy. This is the best Christmas I've ever had in my life. Really, Ben, I've never had anything like this.”

And then he’s enfolding her in his arms as he chuckles, vibrating deep in his chest. “It's only the morning, too.”

They spend the rest of the morning lazily, cuddling, relaxing, playing music, and watching TV, before taking a shower together. Rey expects him to make good on the promise to fuck her senseless, but instead his hands are gentle as he cleans her body and washes and conditions her hair tenderly. As she stands there with her back to him, she feels tears prick under her eyelids for the second time today. Nobody has ever shown her such tenderness, such care, and it’s overwhelming. The feelings stirring within her are dangerous. She knows now that she is falling for him, falling hard and fast for this beautiful and complicated man, who treats her like she’s something precious. The feelings are scary, exposing her softest and most vulnerable side to him. She knows that she is in the process of placing her heart in his hands irrevocably, and she can only hope and pray that he will carry it carefully. 

After a light lunch, once they’re ensconced back on the large leather sofa, he turns to her.“I have to warn you, my mother’s going to vid-call me at some point later this evening. It’s a Christmas thing,” he says, shaking his head dismissively as if it’s no big deal. 

Rey sits up straighter with interest. “Well, I think that’s great Ben. Maybe today’s a good day to tell her about your book deal.”

Ben just hums, not really giving a solid answer and not meeting her eye. “But I understand if you don’t want to,” she tells him softly. 

“Perhaps…” he admits, absentmindedly reaching forwards and running his fingers through her hair, the feel of his fingers running against her scalp distracting her from the conversation, which she knows is exactly his intention. 

She tears herself away from the delicious thrills his fingers are giving her. “I’m serious Ben, do what you feel comfortable with, but I honestly think she would be really proud of you.”

“I’m serious too,” he tells her, his voice deep and heavy as he pulls her hair firmly, sending a shuddering sigh through her whole body. “Incredibly serious.” he pulls her head back and mouths at her throat.

Now thoroughly distracted, just as he intended, Rey wriggles under his ministrations, running her hands into his hair in kind, feeling the lush and heavy locks sliding through her fingers. He sighs happily at that, before attacking her month in an intense kiss, all tongues and teeth.

It’s not long before they have both shed all their clothes and he lies on top of her, kissing her with a furious abandon. Suddenly he pulls back, and she furrows her brow at him, confused. 

“Get up,” he urges her, holding out his hands to her and pulling her up gently until she’s kneeling on the sofa, looking at him both perplexed and filled with a delicious thrill of anticipation. 

“I’d like to try something, if you’re game,” he tells her.

“Like what?” she asks, excited but also slightly nervous. 

He leans forwards, his lips brushing her ear. “I’d like to spank you,” he whispers. Rey feels a sudden flush of heat run through her body. “I think you might like it,” he continues, “but if you don’t want to, that’s totally fine. It’s your decision.”

Rey can't quite place why, but the thought _excites_ her. She’s too shy to get the words out properly, but she meets his eyes and gives him a quick nod and watches as his eyes darken.

His voice turns lower and rougher. “Turn around,” he tells her firmly. “On your hands and knees.”

She can’t help but respond to the soft note of command in his voice, turning and doing as he says immediately, even as she feels herself get wetter. There’s a slight thrill of fear and apprehension, but he seems to sense that, putting a large heavy palm on the bottom of her spine, grounding her. His other hand slides over her buttocks, to dip between her legs, and he runs his fingers through her wet slit.

“If I do anything you don’t like, just tell me,” he murmurs, as he works his finger through her slick folds. 

Rey just stutters out an “O-Okay,” before moaning as he slides one finger inside her. He pumps his finger into her just once before removing his hand, and Rey whimpers in confusion. It’s then that there’s a loud slap noise and a stinging pain, as he slaps at her backside, one strike on each side. 

She makes a little surprised noise, a breathless, “Oh!” each time his hand makes contact. Heat floods her core, her arousal combining with the stinging pain to make a heady mix. 

“Okay?” He asks gently. 

“Y-Yes,” she replies. Before admitting shyly, “I like it.”

He chuckles lowly, before answering, “I thought you might,”

He works on her body, playing it as if she were a musical instrument and he is an expert musician. His free hand comes up to fist itself in her hair, and he alternates his slaps with sliding his fingers through her core and brushing over her clit, or else pumping two fingers in and out of her, curling against her front walls.

Rey is a shuddering, needy mess after five minutes of this, totally turned on and utterly frustrated. She’s so desperate for him inside her, that she wonders if he’s some type of magician who has managed to turn her into a different person entirely. She feels both vulnerable to him, and unspeakably powerful in her own sexuality at the same time, and she moans, gyrating her hips back against his hand as he rubs at her. 

He chuckles again. “What do you want Rey?” he asks in that dark voice that drips with a tone of sweet promise. 

She blanches a little, still embarrassed to speak her desires out loud - as if she weren’t already naked and exposed before him with everything on show. 

“Rey?” he prompts, his fingers stilling. 

“I want you,” she pants, pressing her hips back to try and gain some more friction. 

“Hmm?” He answers, removing the pressure on her core until the tips of his fingers are only ghosting over her clit, before brushing a gentle kiss over the small of her back. 

It’s unspeakably hot, the way he’s so firm with her, so teasing and yet so tender. Rey swallows her embarrassment. “I want you to fuck me,” she admits. “Please Ben, please fuck me.”

He makes a pleased noise and his hands slide from her hair and from between her legs. She’s expecting him to flip her so she’s underneath him, or else to pull her on top of him like they’ve done before. But instead, he comes to kneel behind her on the sofa, using his knee to nudge her thighs wider apart, before positioning himself behind her. 

The position is new and she’s not entirely sure she likes not being able to see his face. That is until he slides into her to the hilt in one smooth stroke, filling her up and making her squeak in surprise. The angle is like nothing she’s felt before with him, and as he moves slowly in and out his cock applies pressure in all the right places. 

After a few minutes of fucking her torturously slowly, he grabs at her hips and starts thrusting into her in sharp, fast strokes, and Rey’s mind turns to jelly. He pulls her back onto his cock over and over, each time he thrusts forward bringing him so deep inside her that her legs go wobbly. He’s never taken her like this before, Rey thinks, as each thrust jolts through her whole body and he moans behind her in satisfaction, and she is _loving it_. The way he moves inside her and his large hands grip her hips and move her back and forth on his body is both primal and possessive. Each stroke of his cock nudges at that secret place on her front walls over and over, making her cry out desperately. After some minutes of this, she comes hard on his cock. her muscles clenching around him, almost aching with pleasure.

“Good girl,” he tells her breathlessly as he fucks her roughly all the way through her orgasm. 

He actually growls as he grabs her shoulders and pulls her body up, until her back is pressed flush against his chest, a low feral sound. His breath pants hotly in her ear, as one hand comes up to circle her throat ever so gently, while the other snakes down to rub tight circles over her clit. He keeps up the punishing pace, pumping into her while whispering broken endearments in her ear. She comes apart for him again, sobbing out her pleasure, now boneless and utterly pliable in his hands. 

His strokes still come hard and fast, but eventually they become unsteady and his hips begin to stutter. He groans her name in her ear as he empties himself inside her, and she can feel the length of him pulsing within her. Her fractured thoughts barely register as he pulls himself from her and then lowers them both down onto the sofa.

He cradles her to him, kissing her face and stroking her hair, telling her over and over how beautiful she is, how special to him, while both of their breathing returns to somewhere near normal. When Rey can finally string a thought together, she pulls back and looks up at him. His brow is beaded with sweat, strands of hair sticking to his forehead, his cheeks are flushed and his eyes intense as he looks down at her. She just looks at him in wonderment, before his expression flickers briefly in something that looks like concern.

“Was that okay?” he asks quietly. “I know I got a bit intense and I’m sorry if-”

She cuts him off with a finger to his lips and tells him “Shh. That was amazing and wild, and I loved every second of it.”

She feels him relax a little. “I’ve thought about fucking you like that for a long time,” he admits. 

“How long? Since even before we kissed?” She asks curiously. 

He looks slightly embarrassed, before he answers her with a slight nod, his gaze sliding away from her to somewhere over her shoulder. 

“Well, that’s kinda hot,” she tells him, and he looks back at her giving her a full smile.

He tucks her into his side again, and they lie together for a while, just breathing in the scents of each other’s bodies and drowsing on and off.

Eventually, as the day wears on, they rouse themselves to take another quick shower before Ben begins to make a distinctly non-Christmas-meal for their dinner. This is all good with Rey who has honestly never seen the appeal of a turkey dinner, and can’t get her head round the idea of a combination of cranberry sauce and meat. As it turns out, Ben doesn’t particularly care for the traditional Christmas Dinner either, so he makes a curry from scratch instead. It fills his apartment with the rich scent of spices, making Rey’s mouth water, and when they finally eat it’s rich, creamy and bursting with flavour. 

After eating, they settle down to watch some movies, snuggling into each other on the sofa. Rey is filled with a warm glow of happiness, and it feels as if light is suffusing her whole body. She can definitely see the appeal of Christmas Day now, if this is the way she gets to spend it from here on. She tamps down on that thought though, not wanting to project her hopes and dreams too far into the future, lest they are snatched away from her. She distracts herself by laying her head on his chest and listening to the slow beating of his heart. 

Late on in the evening they are eventually disturbed by the sound of Ben’s phone ringing. 

“Ah, dammit,” he exclaims, rolling away from her and looking at the screen before letting out a heartfelt groan. “It’s my mother,” he admits. Rey edges to the end of the sofa, not wanting to intrude on this private moment, and ponders whether to leave the room altogether. He senses her indecision, and reaches out to pull her back to his side. “Please, stay? I need you here,” he tells her. She nods in assent and he touches the phone screen to accept the call. 

“Ben.” Leia Organa Solo’s voice is deep and commanding in the same way that Ben’s is. He angles the phone slightly away, so that he’s the only one in shot. Rey just watches, pulling her hands through her untidy hair and noticing the way Ben looks both tense and wary. 

“Mom,” his tone is cautious, and she can see the way his eyes tighten a little as they always do whenever he is stressed out. 

“Happy Christmas, son,” she tells him, her voice sounding authentic and heartfelt. In the background there are noises of jollity and frivolity coming from elsewhere in Leia’s house. It sounds as if she’s hosting an entire party of people. 

“Happy Christmas,” he responds dully, and Rey watches the way his eyes keep sliding away from the screen, as if he can’t quite hold his mother’s gaze. 

“How are you,” Leia ventures.

“I’m ok. I’m good,” Ben responds, his whole being transformed from the confident vibrant man she had seen just moments ago. 

“It’s good to see you. It’s been so long. I wish you would call more,” Leia tells him sadly. “Maybe next year you can come home for Christmas. It’s not good for you spending it all alone.”

Ben just looks trapped, so Rey slides her hand into his free one, stroking her thumb soothingly over his skin. Rey is just out of shot, but she can see Leia on the phone screen, rosy cheeked and dressed in a deep red blouse, with a braided crown around her head. 

Ben looks at Rey, as if for reassurance and she gives him one of her bright smiles, nodding encouragingly at him. 

“Have you got someone there with you?” Leia asks, not missing a beat. Ben looks at Rey again, unsure, and she nods her assent. 

“Uh. Yes actually. My girlfriend Rey.”

Leia makes a noise of unrestrained delight. “A girlfriend? That’s fantastic Ben! And she’s spending Christmas with you? That’s exactly what you need.” Leia looks somewhere off camera, obviously speaking to someone else in the room. “Ben’s got a girlfriend! He’s spending Christmas with her.” Someone off to Leia’s side makes a surprised noise, and she gives whoever it is a knowing look before turning back to the camera. “That’s wonderful sweetheart. I’m glad to hear that you’ve finally let somebody in.”

Ben makes a non-committal noises, and Rey wonders, not for the first time, about their relationship. His mother is clearly concerned for his wellbeing, and there is obviously love shining from her eyes even if Ben can’t recognise it. She knows that Leia disapproved of whatever he had been doing after he left the marines, but it seems that she’s willing to let the past be the past. She nudges his knee with hers and mouths “book deal,” at him. 

He scowls at her a little before dropping her right in it by saying, “Would you like to meet Rey?”

“I’d love to,” Leia gushes, and before Rey can object, Ben is turning his phone so that the camera is on her. And then she’s looking into the familiar brown eyes of Leia Organa Solo. 

“Hello sweetheart. Well, don’t you look absolutely lovely.”

Rey blushes and manages to squeak out a “Hello,” scarcely able to believe she’s speaking to the woman whose novels she knows from cover to cover. 

“Have you been keeping my son in check, making sure he behaves himself?” Leia queries, as Ben sighs with exasperation. 

Rey nearly snorts with laughter. Several hours ago, it had definitely been Ben keeping her in check, but she can’t say that of course. “I try my best,” Rey says instead, with a smile. “He’s a bit of a handful,” she adds, not quite grasping the double entendre until Ben muffles a laugh next to her, 

Leia apparently doesn’t pick up on it, because she just laughs delightedly and says, “He certainly is.”

And all of a sudden the atmosphere has gone from tense to relaxed. Rey notices that Ben has visibly untensed his muscles now that she’s there on the call with them and he isn’t the sole focus of attention. He even begins to make conversation. 

“I met Rey in the library. She’s a Librarian.”

“Technically a ‘library assistant’,” Rey interrupts smoothly.

Ben shrugs, “It amounts to the same thing. Rey dropped a book on my foot, that’s how we first spoke to each other,” he tells his mother. “I sometimes wonder if she did it on purpose, so she could speak to me,” he says, smiling behind his hand.

Rey swats playfully at his shoulder. “Then one day he swooped in and bought me coffee without asking if he could first. He definitely did that so he could get to speak to me.” Ben smiles at her and they hold each other’s gaze for a moment, both of them remembering that moment a few months ago.

Rey looks back at the camera. Leia is looking between the two of them as they interact, a delighted expression on her face.

“It’s good to see you smile so much Ben,” his mother says softly. 

“Rey makes me smile. Every day. She doesn’t even have to try,” Ben responds, and when Rey turns to look at him, he still hasn’t looked away from her. He’s just gazing at her with so much adoration in his eyes. 

“Yes, well,” Rey clears her voice. “Mrs Organa Solo-”

“-Leia, please,” the older woman interjects. 

“Uh, sure. Leia. I’m such a fan of your work. I have all of your novels in hard copy.”

Leia smiles, before saying hopefully, “Thank you, dear. Well, maybe we will have the opportunity to see each other someday. I’d love to meet you.”

Rey wants to respond with a _wow, that would be amazing_ , but she doesn’t want Ben to feel any pressure, so she keeps her lips closed and just nods at the screen. 

“Er, mom, I’ve got some news,” Ben mumbles.

“Oh?” Leia responds, looking expectant. 

Ben grips Rey’s hand tightly as he clears his throat, and she squeezes back in reassurance. “I...uh...I’ve been writing again. For quite a while actually. I’ve got a book deal for a trilogy.”

Leia’s eyes and mouth go wide and he hand flies up to cover her open mouth. Rey can see her eyes filling with tears. “Oh Ben,” she gasps. “How wonderful. It was all he ever wanted to be when he was younger,” she explains to Rey. 

“Um, thanks.” Ben mumbles. 

Leia holds up her hand as if to silence someone talking next to her, before she says, low and serious into the camera, “I am so proud of you.”

Ben chokes a little and Rey looks at him. He’s averted his eyes from the screen and she can see them beginning to brim with tears. He swipes at them with the back of his hand. 

Suddenly the craggy bearded face of an older man appears on the screen, leaning into Leia to make sure he can be seen. “Well done, kid,” the man says gruffly. “When you were younger, I always thought that’s what you’d be one day. For a while there though, I wondered. I’m glad you’re on the right path again.”

“Thanks Uncle Luke,” Ben chokes out and Rey is struck with a sudden realisation. _Of course_ , it’s Leia’s twin brother, Luke Skywalker. He is also a famous author, though he writes non-fiction travel books. Rey has read a couple of his offerings, and been struck by his unique take on the many journeys he’s taken to various locations in the world. It’s no wonder Ben ended up as an author, surrounded by such talented writers. It’s in his blood, for sure. 

Luke and Leia are both smiling at the camera looking inordinately pleased, and next to her Ben is still swiping tears away with his cuff, but there’s a vulnerable and open smile on his face. His whole demeanour has changed from when the conversation first started, and Rey can’t help but feel there has been some vital progress made here today. It warms her insides to see this family sitting and smiling at each other across the thousands of miles, even as it aches that she will never have such a family of her own. 

“Well,” Leia says briskly. “I’ll let you two go and enjoy the rest of your Christmas Day together. It was lovely to meet you, Rey.”

“Lovely to meet you too,” Rey echoes.

“Same,” says Luke casually. “Merry Christmas, kid. And Ben...hang onto this one, I think she’s a keeper,” he adds, making Rey blush. 

“Definitely,” Ben agrees. “Merry Christmas uncle Luke. Merry Christmas Mom”

Leia blows kisses to them, and then ends the call. Rey turns to Ben immediately to check how he’s doing now. His eyes are still watery, but he’s smiling and only slightly tense.

“That went unusually well,” he says, as if in wonderment. 

She reaches up and cups his cheek tenderly. “Good.” 

“How do you make everything better?” he asks her as if in wonderment, his hand coming up to stroke her hair as his eyes track over her face.

She just shrugs, before pressing her lips to his.

*

Later, when Christmas Day has ticked over into the small hours of Boxing Day, they finally retire to the bedroom and Ben fucks her again. Only this time it doesn’t feel just like fucking. He’s achingly tender with her as his eyes slide over her face reverently, and he runs his hands over her body making sparks light under her skin wherever he touches. Tonight, there’s some kind of burning intensity between the two of them that she’s never felt before. They fix their eyes on each other as he takes her, not breaking their gazes away for even a single moment, and she feels like she is falling into his eyes helplessly and endlessly. This isn’t fucking, she realises in a moment of clarity, this is _making love_. And Rey knows deep down, at the moment that he softly says her name and shudders his release inside her, his gaze fixed on her, that never was a term more apt. Because she can no longer deny naming to herself the feelings that are stirring inside her, that - if she’s honest - have been awakening since the day she met him. 

She’s ready to admit the reality now, and that reality is that she is falling helplessly and deeply in love with Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming next Saturday 😊


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have upped the chapter count as, while much of this fic is written several chapters ahead of posting and is just in need of editing, i haven't yet completed the whole thing. But there's no way it's going to be done in 15 chapters total, so there's a tentative count of 18 chapters on it now. I blame Rey and Ben, in my original plans the angst came a lot sooner, but these 2 were just too busy being cute, and i wanted to give them some good times and chance to really connect deeply. 
> 
> Some readers are concerned about the potential oncoming angst level. We aren't there yet, there's still a few chapters to go, but i can't swear that it won't hurt at all when it comes. HOWEVER it does not drag on for chapters and chapters, and i can promise that all will be well in the end.
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

After the most delicious Christmas, Rey has to work some of the days between Christmas and New year. She doesn't usually book any leave at this time of year anyway, and she doesn’t especially mind working, especially not since Rose is also working right through the holiday period too. Plus, since the library is so quiet, they don’t have to work late nights between Christmas and New Year, which is alway a bonus. 

The library has its Christmas trees and decorations up and the scent of pine drifts through the dry air, flashing lights glancing and refracting from red and gold baubles. It’s lovely, though Rey favours artificial trees as she has always found it slightly macabre that it’s traditional to decorate with a slowly dying living thing. There’s an unusual level of heavy silence across the library and it feels almost soporific. There are no children’s voices raised in excitement punctuated by the thud of their running feet, no murmuring of students or the scratch of pen across paper, no clicking and clacking noise of keys being punched on the keyboards of the many library computers. It’s a strange limbo-land this time between Christmas and New Year, Rey is finding, most people too preoccupied with either their families or new books they’ve been gifted to bother with the library. The only customers they seem to get in at this peculiar in-between time of year are the real die-hards looking for their habitual daily newspapers, the lonely reaching out for some type of social contact, and the homeless seeking the warmth and soft comfort of the library sofas.

She’s been back three days, and Rose has already ooohed and ahhhhed over her amber pendant, much to Rey’s embarrassment, and squealed (quietly) in gratitude at Ben’s purchase of a spa day for the both of them .

“He’s so gone for you,” Rose had told her.

Rey had just shuffled her feet, not able to really deny it, because after all she is totally gone for him as well.

She and Ben had spent a pleasant Boxing Day lazing around and watching movies, and Rey had concluded afterwards that it was easily the most pleasant Christmas she had ever spent. Company of someone she cared about and who cared for her on the day itself had always felt like something unattainable, something that wasn’t woven into her particular destiny. She had resigned herself to that, not feeling too stung about it as it was, after all, just another day that humans had decided was particularly special. But now she’s had it, she doesn’t ever want to be without it again. She wants to spend every Christmas wrapped in the kind of warmth and light Ben had bestowed upon her. That had been a gift more infinitely precious than anything he could have bought her. 

After her admission to herself in the early hours of Boxing Day, that she is achieving that heady state so often described in glowing tones in all the Mills and Boon novels - being in love - she feels more vulnerable than she has ever felt before. She can feel herself falling deeper as the days tick by, and even if she wanted it to stop (and she most certainly doesn’t) she no longer feels like she would be able to. It’s like a warmth spreading through her whole system, circulating through the very blood in her veins so that no matter how freezing it gets outside she is always warmed from within. It’s like a fizzy bubbly sensation that spiders out through her nervous system, sometimes making her feel like she’s virtually crackling with electricity. It has her smiling to herself at the most random of times, laughing more often and more loudly. Everything seems brighter, easier, warmer and the world around exists in an increased sharpness and colour. 

If she’s completely honest with herself, though, a part of her is actually utterly terrified. She knows - even if he doesn’t - that she has now handed him the power to hurt her irretrievably. She had sworn she’d never give anyone the power to do that again in her life, but here she is, willingly putting her very heart into the waiting hands of Ben Solo. It’s as if he can sense it though, although she hasn’t yet spoken the words (and the thought of doing that is also utterly terrifying.) On Boxing Day she had woken in the morning to him gazing at her as if in wonder, as if she had spoken the words to him the night before, though she knows she didn’t. Since then, his hands on her body have been impossibly tender, his kisses impossibly careful.

Normally Rey eschews any kind of festive wear, but this year she’s actually feeling mildly Christmassy for once, so today she has allowed Rose to browbeat her into wearing a ridiculous headband. It has two springs sprouting from the top of it, upon the end of which sit a reasonable rendering of two christmas puddings in fabric and embroidery. She can feel the slight weight of them swaying around as she moves around the library, and she doesn’t feel quite as silly as she expected to. Rose is wearing the traditional Santa hat, and the sparse few customers coming into the library smile when they see the both of them.

Rey has just been chatting to one of the patrons, when she hears the distinctive sound of the library’s inner doors swinging closed, something that’s been happening all too infrequently today. She turns slightly to glance at them, and there he is, her _boyfriend_. Somehow she still can’t get used to the word. He’s loping into the library with his slightly bow legged long strides, his grey scarf bundled up around his chin and mouth, and his deep brown hair - that manages to be somehow artfully messy - flopping at the sides of his face. It’s been three days since she saw him, though they have been messaging each other daily. She wasn’t expecting at all to see him in the Library during the holidays, so the pleasant surprise sends butterflies fluttering in her belly, and she’s suddenly self conscious of the ridiculous headband she’s wearing. She stutters in her conversation, throwing him a quick smile, before turning back to carry on chatting to the homeless woman. 

When she concludes the conversation, she discovers that Ben is at the desk chatting to Rose, so she heads over. 

He gives her a toothy smile, before telling her sarcastically, “I totally love the headgear.” Rose snorts at his tone. 

“This is totally all Tico’s fault,” Rey objects. “She harassed me into wearing it. I’m not responsible.”

“Sure sure,” he replies, giving her a crooked grin, his eyes crinkling at the edges in that way that she so loves. She wants to throw her arms around him, and plant a massive kiss right on his lush mouth, but she’s aware that she’s at work and that might not exactly be proper, so she just contents herself with reaching forward and catching one of his hands in hers while they look at each other for a long moment.

Rose clears her throat loudly next to them, and both of them whip their heads around. The small black haired girl puts her elbows up on the desk and captures her chin in her hands, looking at them both dreamily. “You two are so adorable together,” she gushes.

Rey blushes, searching for a suitable response, but Rose continues. 

“Aaaanyway,” she sings. “I was just thanking Ben for the spa day, and also telling him that me, Poe and Finn were thinking of getting together at mine on New Year’s eve, if you guys want to come. We can make it a sort of mini party.”

Rey looks over to Ben. They only had plans to spend the evening together, not to do anything special or go out anywhere. Everything is overpriced on New Years, and while Rey knows Ben wouldn’t have any compunction about paying for absolutely anything that she wished to do, she feels that he has already done more than enough for her this Christmas and spoiled her thoroughly. And anyway, both of them dislike big crowds, which are a sure thing at this time of year. 

It actually would be really great to spend time with both him and her friends as the year turns from old to new, plus it gives her friends a chance to get to know Ben a little better. The end of this year has brought both connections she never expected into her life, and also a slow unfurling of her trust in other people. She wants to see the year turn with those connections at her side. Perhaps if the year starts out that way, it will continue along the same pathway and these people will still be in her life in another twelve months time. It’s a dizzying thought, the idea that people could stick around in her life for that long, and she wants it so badly that it almost hurts. So she looks at Ben and wonders, thinking about the fact that he’s not the most sociable of people, well not with anyone except for her. However, he’s studying her too, and then the next moment he’s nodding eagerly eagerly at Rose saying “We’d love to.”

“Cool,” says Rose brightly. “I’ll see you guys about seven then?”

They both nod their assent. They’re still chatting idly when the door to the archives department swings open, and Kaydel appears. She has her blonde hair up in cute buns, little wisps of it hanging around her face. She looks over to the desk intently, seeming unsure at first, before she finally comes walking slowly over. She’s pushing a trolley stacked with some ancient dusty looking tomes and one of the wheels of her trolley squeals into the quiet, making Ben wince at the sound. As she approaches, Rose begins to inch away, mumbling some excuse about needing to shelve some books. Rey catches it and wipers furiously to her friend,” Don’t you dare. You stay right here and talk to her about whatever it is she needs.”

Rose looks slightly panicked, but Rey just flashes her an encouraging smile as she pulls on Ben’s hand, tugging him away from the desk and into the fiction area.

He raises an eyebrow at her as Rose and Kaydel’s low voices begin to fill the air, echoing slightly off the cavernous ceiling. “What was all that about?” 

Rey jerks her head over in the direction of the desk. “Rose has a huge crush on Kaydel, but won’t ask her out.”

“Ahh.” He nods sagely. “That age old problem of when you have a major crush but aren’t sure if someones interested.”

“Or if they have a partner,” Rey adds. 

“Then the best thing is to drop a book on their foot,” he smirks.

“Or force-buy them a coffee,” Rey adds. 

“We were pretty hopeless weren’t we?” Ben muses.

“Not so hopeless, we did manage to get together after all.” Rey casts a furtive look around to make sure nobody is watching, before standing on her tiptoes to brush a quick kiss to Ben’s mouth, eliciting a pleased smile from him. 

She leans against a shelf, idly toying with the spine of some books looking up at his soft eyes. “I didn’t expect to see you here over the holidays,” she tells him. 

He quirks a smile down at her. “What can I say, I’m nothing if not a dedicated library-goer. I like to support the public library service and it has absolutely nothing at all whatsoever with missing you and wanting to see your gorgeous face.”

She blushes. He’s still so good at making her do that. He reaches out and boops her nose gently with the end of his finger, for no reason at all, making her smile.

“I missed you too,” she admits quietly. 

He leans in towards her, his eyes searching. “Can I see you tonight? I know we’d only planned to get together next on New year, so it’s ok if not, I mean if you feel like it’s too much-”

“I don’t. I mean I do. Ugh. I mean I _don’t_ think it’s too much, and I _do_ want to see you tonight,” she tells him. He still has the ability to make her get tongue tied, especially when he’s looking at her this way with those dark expressive eyes. As if she means something important.

“Good. Well, I'm just gonna head over and get on with my writing,” he tells her. “I’ll pick you up at five?”

She nods, and he heads over to his favourite writing corner, pulling out his laptop from its sleeve and opening it.

She feels eyes on her, and looks over to see Rose watching them from near the art books. 

_Both got it bad_ , Rose mouths at her silently, and she rolls her eyes and gets back to her work. 

They spend a pleasant evening together, and it doesn’t feel nearly as cold at her place when he’s there acting like a giant, living breathing radiator. _I love him_ she thinks to herself as he reads her his favourite Dylan Thomas poem from his book which she still has in her possession, his dark voice resounding in her ears. _I love him_ , she thinks as he enthuses about the current sci-fi show they are watching together and articulates where exactly he thinks the themes threaded through it are taking it. _I love him_ , she thinks as she moves her body on top of his, feeling that reality in every secret corner of her body just as she can feel him, hard and strong inside her. Before finally, _I love you_ , she thinks at him as they lie facing each other afterwards, hands tracing over each other's faces. But she doesn’t say it.

*

The rest of the week passes slowly, the peace of the library seeming to stretch the minutes and hours out endlessly, Rey discovering that she would much rather be busy with too much to do rather than too little. Eventually though, it’s New Year’s eve.

Rey has actually made an effort for this evening. It’s not like it’s a huge party or anything, just a small group of friends, but she thought she'd actually push the boat out a little bit for once. She had gone looking half heartedly around the sales in town yesterday, fighting her way through the avid sales shoppers, and was surprised to find a dress she actually liked hanging on the shelves of the department store closest to the library. It’s in a retro style, a sweetheart neckline, capped sleeves, and a swing skirt that ends just above her knee. The fabric is a gorgeous teal, patterned with tiny white deer. She also picked up some black tights woven through with sparkling silver, and has teamed them and the dress with her Doc Martens. Her hair is slightly curled and loose, coming in soft waves around her face. Lastly, she has broken out her rarely used stash of make-up, and applied a scant amount of it, just enough eyeliner to widen her eyes, a soft brush of lilac eyeshadow, a hint of pink on her cheeks, followed by a coloured lipgloss. Ben has never seen her in makeup before, or especially dressed up, and she’s curious what exactly he will make of it. One of the best things about Ben, she has decided, is that he loves her for her quirkiness, for her unique style. He doesn’t seem at all attached to conventional ideas about beauty, and while his own clothes are expensive, he doesn’t seem to care about the fact that Rey is hurtling around in brightly coloured second hand clothes most of the time. She’s glad to have found someone who appreciates who she is and who she feels at ease being herself with. 

When she opens the front door, she’s delighted to see that Ben’s jaw actually literally drops as his eyes run over her. “Wow,” he breathes, crowding in towards her. “Rey, you look absolutely fucking adorable.” His hands come around her waist, and his eyes linger on her small cleavage. “How on earth am i supposed to keep my hands off you all night when you look like this?”

She feels herself blush slightly, and Ben mock-groans. “Stop being so adorable. It’s too much.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she replies, looking up at him shyly. He looks positively edible. He’s wearing designer jeans and a form fitting grey shirt, with a tight black T-shirt underneath. He’s clearly made an attempt at styling his hair because it falls in lush dark waves around his face. For a very brief moment, Rey considers abandoning their plans all together, and instead just staying in and having her wicked way with him. But she’s been looking forward to this evening for days, so she promises herself to do that later on instead, once they get home.

She runs her hands over the fabric of his shirt, feeling the hard line of the muscles underneath. The shirt fits perfectly, but even she can tell that those buttons are doing their best to hold on for dear life as his pecs strain slightly at the material. “How did I end up landing such a gorgeous boyfriend!” she says to herself in wonder. 

“I think you’ll find that it’s me who’s punching above my weight, Miss Kanata,” he replies, capturing her hand and bringing it up to his mouth, kissing her fingers. 

That’s simply so ridiculous that Rey laughs out loud. “Are you kidding? You could have anyone you wanted!”

He looks at her doubtfully. “I’m serious,” she continues. “You could have your pick of the beautiful women out there.”

He presses her hand to his face. “I don’t want anyone but you,” he says fiercely, his gaze boring into her. “I’m just glad you’re willing to have this mess that’s me.”

“Always,” she replies instinctively, then kicks herself, wishing she could rewind the last two seconds. _Always_ was what she felt for him, both in her heart and deep in her gut, and Rey had learned long ago to trust her gut instinct. She just wasn’t exactly planning on revealing that to him yet though, but it just _came out_.

Embarrassed, she whirls out of his grasp before she can see whatever his reaction is, babbling about how she just needs to get her coat and her bag. Thus it is that she entirely misses the way he looks at her, with serious eyes that are filled with wonder. 

*

Ben has decided they will drive there, then taxi back so he can have a drink, and then he’ll go and pick up his car tomorrow. Rey spent about ten seconds fretting about the extortionate cost of taxis on New Years Eve and Day before he interrupted her, exasperated, with “I can afford it, sweetheart.”

They park up outside Rose’s and Rey knocks on the door which, unsurprisingly, Poe answers. He already has a glass of wine in his hand. “Benny boy! Rey!” he exclaims as he takes their coats and then sweeps them into the house, and Rey smirks as Ben grimaces at the name. 

Finn and Rose hug them both as they get to the front room, and she notices that although Ben stiffens slightly, he still returns the hug, although he looks slightly bashful afterwards. Rey waves the two, no doubt expensive, bottles of wine Ben has bought in their faces. Poe takes them, making a low whistle as he looks over the labels.

“Nice,” he says. “This is the good shit.” He looks between them expectantly “Red or white?”

“White please,” Rey replies, at exactly the same time as Ben says, “Red please,”and Finn bursts out laughing. 

“Sit down guys,” Rose encourages them, smiling and waving across at the seats in the room.

There’s a big squishy armchair free, and Ben sinks down into, pulling her onto his lap as he goes. Rey squeaks a little bit, before settling in, leaning into his body. Rose looks on, misty eyed with a soft smile on her face, while Poe makes retching noises from the door where he stands with their glasses of wine.

“Don’t you dare,” Rose tells him, pointing her finger at him and jabbing it in the air. “You and Finn were _way_ worse than this when you first got together. You were all over each other all the bloody time.”

“We were not!” Finn replies, a scandalised note in his voice. 

Poe hands Rey and Ben their glasses of wine. “Er, yes darling, we were. At least Rey and Ben haven’t fucked on Rose’s sofa.”

“You did WHAT?” Rose demands loudly, as Finn hangs his head into his hands and groans. 

Ben gives a soft snort of laughter from beneath Rey, the vibration coming right through his chest and into her body. Rey wriggles happily in his lap, his hands on her hips.

Under cover of the ensuing argument about precisely when and why Poe and Finn had made inappropriate use of Rose’s sofa, Ben leans forward and whispers in her ear, his breath tickling her skin. 

“You keep wriggling on my lap like that, and I am going to have a major and very hard to conceal problem.”

“Oops, sorry,” she replies. And then wriggles suggestively again, making his hands grasp tightly to her hips and his voice growl lowly in her ear. She relents then and stills, slightly scandalised by her own behaviour.

The argument eventually resolves itself in a solemn promise from Finn that he and Poe will never ever have sex on Rose’s sofa again, which Rose seems at least partly mollified with, though Poe continues to wiggle his eyebrows at Ben and Rey as if he has every intention of breaking that promise at the first possible opportunity. 

Board games are the plan to while away the evening until midnight, board games and copious amounts of wine. They move to Rose’s dining table and play Balderdash first, always better played when not completely and utterly inebriated. Ben is quiet compared to the others at first, but Rey knows that’s just part of his nature, that he finds it hard to get close to people and let them in. He participates in the game wholeheartedly though, and laughs often and loudly at some of the more ridiculous answers. He also leans over and presses soft kisses to Rey's neck and cheek every so often, kisses which make her shiver all over. 

Ben picks the game up quickly, and plays strategically, coming out with some of the more outlandish yet plausible suggestions for people to pick from, and ultimately trouncing them all.

“I declare Ben Solo the crown prince of Balderdash!” Rose announces at the conclusion of the game, standing unsteadily and firing a party popper in Rey and Ben’s general direction.

Jenga follows, and as the evening wears on and Ben sips his wine, Rey feels him gradually relax next to her. Bit by bit he begins to join in the playful banter that flies loudly back and forth across the table, and her chest is filled with a warm feeling at seeing him interact with her friends. _This is it_ , she thinks. _This is what it’s like to have a family._

Shortly before midnight, Rose suggests they go out onto her small balcony to watch the many fireworks which will no doubt be rising up and bursting over the town. Ben declines, muttering something about not being able to deal with the loud noises. They all nod understandingly, before the three of them bundle out onto the balcony, shutting the door behind them, leaving just Ben and Rey in the quiet of the living room. 

Rey stands up to find the remote and then flicks on the TV, tuning into Jool’s Hollands annual Hogmanay celebration, so that they can follow the countdown and know when the old year actually turns into the new.

“Hogmanay?” Ben queries, looking confused. 

“It’s the Scottish name for New Years,” she explains. “It’s kind of a big deal there.”

She watches as Ben flicks his eyes to the glass door to the balcony, but the others all have their backs turned to the room and are looking out into the sky beyond, ready for the explosions and blooms of colours that will shortly follow. 

“Come here,” he tells her gruffly. 

She walks over, and he takes her hand, pulling her down onto his lap.”I've got something I want to say.”

_Yeah, so have I,_ she thinks. _I absolutely fucking love you. And it’s huge and it’s terrifying, but i never ever want it to stop_. But she doesn’t say that, because she’s too chicken. 

So instead she just loops her arms around his neck and looks at him questioningly as he clears his throat a couple of times. He seems nervous, and she feels the slightest flutter of anxiety about what he might be about to reveal.

“Rey,” he breathes, looking at her with that deep intense gaze, eyes flicking back and forth between hers. “I just wanted to tell you that this winter has been the most magical I've ever had. I never dreamed, even in my wildest and most ridiculous dreams, that I'd find somebody like you...”

Rey ducks her head a little, embarrassed but inordinately pleased. _Me neither,_ she thinks. He trails off and tenses his jaw, and she just waits for him to finish. On the TV, Jools begins his countdown to the clock striking the New Year.

_Ten_

He swallows heavily, his adam's apple bobbing with the motion. 

_Nine_

“I just wanted to tell you, and I know this is fast,”

_Eight_

“But I knew it was the way things were going, even before.”

_Seven_

“When i started taking you home.”

_Six_

“Maybe even before then.”

_Five_

“Maybe since the day we first spoke.”

_Four_

“Maybe since the day you first smiled at me.”

_Three_

“Maybe since before I even knew you.”

_Two_

“What i’m trying to say is,”

_One_

“I love you, Rey Kanata.”

There are whoops and shouts from the balcony, along with the popping and cracking noise of fireworks going off outside. On the TV everyone cheers, raising their glasses, linking arms and starting the first refrains of Auld Lang Syne, while Rey sits there frozen and stunned looking at Ben.

_He loves me_ she thinks, with wonder. _He loves me too._ She laughs, a bright and unburdened sound.

He’s looking up at her, his soft brown eyes anxious, and Rey manages to finally gather her wits and her words together. 

“You know what, Ben Solo? I love you too,” she tells him, and then they’re embracing and he’s holding her to him so tightly that it feels like he will never let her go, and Rey doesn’t think she ever wants him to. 

“Really?” He mumbles in her ear, and she pulls back and looks at him. 

“Really. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Their lips meet, the sounds of New Year celebrations all around them, but there’s nothing else in the world but the two of them in that moment, until Rey’s friends tumble back into the room. 

*

Rey had been only slightly tipsy at midnight, but as the night wears on she becomes undeniably drunk. It’s 3am by the time they leave, both of them swaying slightly in each other’s arms as they wait for the taxi on Rose’s doorstep. Rey is giggly on the way back, sliding her hand suggestively up Ben’s thigh as he sits close to her on the back seat, and ignoring his warning looks. The taxi driver bears a long suffering look on his face, clearly in the middle of bearing New Year’s revellers in various states of intoxication around the town, and regretting every minute of it. Rey hopes the extortionate New Year’s prices make it worth it for him. 

They take the lift when they get to his apartments, rather than staggering up the stairs, and by the time Rey lands heavily on Ben's bed, her head is absolutely spinning.

“C’mere,” she says, reaching for him and grasping at the air. “Want you.” She opens her eyes blearily and sees him standing over her, just watching and not making any move to get closer. 

He shakes his head at her. “No, Rey, you’ve had too much to drink.” 

She pouts at him, and he sits on the end of the bed - too too far away. She reaches for him again, but he doesn’t come to her. Instead he just starts gently unlacing her boots and pulling them from her feet. She lies back, closing her eyes because suddenly the room somehow seems to be spinning with her head at the centre of its axis. She feels him peel off her tights, then he’s lifting her gently towards him, urging her to lift her arms before unzipping her dress and pulling it off. She mouths messily at his neck while he unhooks her bra, until he lays her back down, pulling the covers over her. She lifts herself up onto her elbows, and cracks an eye open, only to find he’s making his way out of the room. She makes an exasperated noise to his disappearing back.

Eventually he arrives back with a huge jug full of water and some pint glasses. He pours one for her, holding it out to her saying “Drink this. All of it.”

She looks at him confused. “No. C’mere you.”

“No,” he says patiently again. “You are much too drunk. You’re going to drink a full glass of this, and then you’re going to go to sleep.” She scowls at him and he snorts with laughter at her expression. “Come on, behave.”

She takes the water, only realising once she starts sipping just how dehydrated she is. She gulps it down greedily and a small burp sneaks its way out afterwards. She claps her hands over her face mortified. “Oh my god. ‘Scuse me.”

She peeps at him from behind her fingers, and he’s covering his mouth as he tries not to laugh. “Shut up,” she tells him crossly. He looks appropriately chastened, and begins stripping his clothes off, before sliding into the bed next to her, reaching for her and curling her into the warm curve of his body. She’s asleep almost instantly. 

*

Rey wakes the next morning expecting a moderate hangover, but Ben’s trick of a full pint of water seems to have done the trick and she has only a mild headache, though her full bladder is making its presence well known. She slides quickly out of the bed, padding down the corridor to the bathroom, the tiles cold on her bare feet. While she’s there she recalls how drunk she was the night before, and groans a little in embarrassment. Suddenly it all floods back to her - his declaration of love as the hour of midnight struck, and her reciprocation of those words. He had been drinking too, of course. Did he mean it? Did he just say it because he was drunk? Did he regret it straight away, is that why didn’t want to have sex with her? Was he going to regret it once he awoke? She shook her head to herself, wishing that their first words of love hadn’t been shared under the influence of alcohol, wishing she could be sure of them.

She was sure of _her_ feelings. She had realised a week before that she was falling deeply in love with him, so she had no regrets at all about returning sentiment, even though it now makes her utterly vulnerable to him. She finishes in the bathroom and makes her way tentatively back down the soft carpet of the corridor, insecurity about whether he had meant his words gnawing at the core of her. She’s hoping to slide back into bed unnoticed so that she can try and get a grip on her spiralling thoughts, but Ben is already awake, hands pillowed behind his head and looking directly at the door as she walks into the room. 

“What’s wrong?” he says immediately, and she curses internally at the fact that he can read her so well. 

“Oh, nothing,” she replies. “Just a bit hungover.”

“Hmmm,” he hums sceptically, lifting the corner of the cover so she can get back into the warm bed next to him. She lies down facing him, and his hand comes to her waist. “Doesn’t look like nothing,” he tells her before placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Come on sweetheart, what’s on your mind?”

The way he looks at her, his brow slightly furrowed in concern, eyes boring into her just makes her want to melt. 

“Sorry I was so drunk last night,” she mumbles. 

“Oh that? It’s absolutely fine. You were hilarious.” She snorts disbelievingly in response. “And clearly horny,” he adds.

She blushes up at him. “Yeah, and I went without,” she says a little petulantly. 

“I don’t do that,” he tells her. “Not when you’re that intoxicated.”

She nods her understanding. It’s honorable really. Though the nagging doubt that he regrets his words to her still persists. 

“You were drunk too,” she tells him. 

“Not as much as you might think,” he tells her in response, stealing a quick kiss from her lips. 

“Last night,” she tells him nervously. “What you said to me at midnight…” she trails off, unsure of her next words.

His hand comes up to cup her cheek immediately. “You do know I didn’t say what I said because I’d been drinking, don’t you Rey? I’d been feeling that way well before last night.” He presses a soft kiss to her forehead, before looking seriously into her eyes. “I love you,” he tells her. She can hear the sincerity in his voice, and relief floods through her.

“Oh,” she replies, her voice small, but a gin beginning to spread across her face. “I love you too, Ben,” she tells him.

He pulls her into his chest, his deep voice rumbling against her body as he speaks. “One of these days I hope to make you understand exactly how wonderful you are, and why I am so in love with you.”

It’s everything she needs to hear and more, and so Rey relaxes into his chest, her arms gripped tightly around him, revelling in his warmth and his scent. Wrapped together in each other they both drift back into sleep, just as the first light of the newest part of the year slants through the curtains and over their bodies.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

After Christmas and New year, it’s that long stretch of January that is the gloomiest and coldest; the time when the increasing hours of daylight aren’t immediately apparent, and when everything seems steeped in sleepiness. To Rey, usually at this time of year, the land feels dead, the sky seems dark, and it feels like the winter will never ever end. This year though, it feels to her as if she has a little candle burning stubbornly away inside her. She feels like the light from its flame is carrying her through, chasing the cold and dark away, and that its warmth reaches from the tips of her fingers right down to her very toes. 

She has established some manner of social life for herself, slices of time that she gives regularly to other people, and her connections with them are growing stronger. It’s something that she doesn’t quite dare think of as permanent, but she does know that it is at least not fleeting or transient, and the little voice that tells her _be careful, don’t get too attached, you’ll only get hurt,_ grows quieter and quieter and holds less sway over her emotions as the days go by.

She goes to Rose’s place nearly every Monday after work now, and it feels wonderful to have a close girlfriend that she can share the ups and downs of her life with. Rose is both solicitous and delighted with every detail Rey shares with her about her and Ben's relationship, and she has an unfailing generosity of spirit which makes her exceptionally happy for Rey. Eager to see her friend find the joy and love that she has, Rey’s efforts to encourage Rose to approach Kaydel are - at last - beginning to pay off. At first, every time Kaydel had appeared on the main library floor, her distinctive braid or buns bobbing into sight, smiling shyly at them, Rose had skittered away like a nervous colt. But with Rey’s encouragement (and, okay, a number of pep talks with Rose about exactly why Kaydel wasn’t out of her league,) Rose had eventually asked her out, and she and Kaydel were now going out for food and drinks this coming weekend. While Rose insists it's “probably not an actual date,” Rey has by this stage seen the way Kaydel looks at Rose, listened to the flimsy excuses she finds to come and talk to her friend, and witnessed the faint blush that blooms across Kaydel’s cheeks when her and Rose chat. She has seen enough to be convinced that this is a fairly sure thing. 

*

After celebrating New Year together, and admitting their love for each other, Rey and Ben have settled into a comfortable and reassuring pattern of seeing each other once on a week night, and spending every Friday and Saturday night together. They habitually stay at his place now. It’s lovely and warm there, and Rey feels the bite of the cold back at her small flat even more intensely, now that she is getting used to the luxury of central heating. She also can’t deny the pleasure of the luxurious feel of his carpets which she can sink her toes into, his immense and ridiculously comfortable bed (so much unlike her lumpy cheap mattress,) and the deliciousness of his cooking which he takes great pleasure in fully utilising his kitchen to create for her. 

Every day, through that darkest bit of the year, Ben boosts her up and helps her confidence in herself grow. Every day he makes her feel special and wanted and needed. As the weeks roll by towards February, and it at last begins to become apparent that it’s getting darker a tiny bit later in the evenings, Rey feels less insecure and increasingly confident in his love for her. Every day, with every interaction, she seems to fall deeper and deeper, and her heart - rusty and unused for so long in her youth - now opens to embrace him fully. It feels like there is a Ben shaped hole in her chest that has always been there, and that she has just been waiting for years, all unknowing, for him to come along and fill it. He weaves his way into the fabric of her life, and she knows deep in her bones, with a surety she has never really felt before, that this is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

The sex remains as fantastic as ever. He can play her body like an instrument now (as if he didn’t know how to immediately), and her confidence is growing as her experience does. Sometimes their lovemaking is tender and slow; sometimes he takes her roughly and primally, just like he did on Christmas Day; sometimes he pins her down on the bed, his hand laid gently across her throat and it feels dangerous and exciting as his powerful body moves over her. Rey isn’t sure which way she likes it the most. Frankly, she loves all of it.

*

It’s the Friday before Valentine’s day, and Ben is there ready and waiting for her outside the library when she finishes at 5pm, his dark hair flopping into his face as he looks down at his phone while he waits. As it does every time she sees him, Rey’s heart skips a little bit at the sight of his profile, illuminated in ghostly blue by the light of his phone. His face is no less fascinating or beautiful to her now than the first day she ever saw him, and she idly wonders whether the heart skipping will ever stop happening, or whether he will always have that effect on her. She hopes he always does. 

He greets her with a wide toothy smile and an all encompassing hug that almost lifts her off her feet, before kissing the top of her head, and she sighs in satisfaction at the smoky spicy smell of him enveloping her. 

“Hello sweetheart,” he says in his deep resonant voice.

“Hi Ben,” she says into the front of his coat, and then he’s leaning down to bestow the softest of kisses on her mouth, before taking her by the hand and leading her over to his car. She’s brought her overnight bag to work with her, so they can go straight to his place and settle in for the weekend, and she flicks the radio on for the short journey while settling down into the comfortable leather seat with a smile playing across her lips as she thinks about the weekend to come. 

He reaches over and turns down the radio, and she looks at him surprised. 

“I wanted to talk to you about Valentine’s day,” he announces, as he starts the engine. 

Rey groans a little and covers her eyes. She has never thought much of that particular celebration, indeed it could be said that she is slightly cynical about it. She’s never had a card from a mystery admirer to squeal over, like the girls did at the many schools she attended in her youth. She’s never received a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates with a big red bow on. But then, she’s never been in love before, and she knows that Valentine’s Day is something that people in relationships just _do._ She had just put it out of her mind until now - mostly because she didn’t ever think she’d have anyone to be celebrating it with or any real reason to think about it. 

“What are your thoughts?” he says quietly, when she doesn’t speak. 

“My thoughts are that it’s a remarkably clever scam by the card and gift industry to get money out of people,” she replies. Before, more softly. “But I’m not averse to celebrating it with you, if you’d like to.”

He makes an indiscernible noise in his throat. “I guess that’s true about it being a money spinner for the industry,” he replies. “But, yes, I would like to do something to mark it, if you’re willing.”

She turns in her seat to look at him. “No expensive gifts,” she tells him firmly. “You bought me quite enough for Christmas.”

He rolls his eyes before agreeing reluctantly. “Okay then, no expensive gifts. But at least let me take you out for the evening?”

“OK,” she agrees. “What were you thinking?”

“Well, there’s an extremely good Italian restaurant in the next town over,” he tells her.   
“It’s had rave reviews from all the best critics. And I know how much you love food.”

“I do,” she admits. But then, “It’s Friday today...Valentines day is on, what, Tuesday? You’ll never get a table there,” she says certainly. He looks vaguely embarrassed and avoids her eyes, fixing his gaze instead on the road ahead. 

“Perhaps I already booked,” he admits. 

“When?” she demands. 

“Maybe several weeks ago,” he tells her glancing at her, before the street lights illuminate his slightly flushed cheeks. “I’ve wanted to take you there for ages, and I knew after New Year, well…I _hoped_ after New Year that we’d still be together come Valentine’s Day.”

Warmth floods her chest. “Of course we’re still bloody together. Rest assured, I’m not going anywhere, you’re stuck with me now.”

“Neither am I,” he responds immediately. “You’re pretty much stuck with me too.”

He turns the radio back up, and Rey sits there watching the street lights and the darkened town fly past, a happy warmth buzzing in her chest. 

*

Back at his place, she’s ensconced on the comfy sofa, flicking through one of his poetry books while Ben moves around the kitchen, looking like he’s in his element. She sips on a glass of elderflower cordial he’s placed in her hand, rolling the fragrant liquid around in her mouth as she watches him preparing lasagne from scratch with his big hands. Every so often he glances up at her, and more than once he catches her watching him.

“See something you like?” He says cheekily at one point, causing a faint blush to rise on her cheeks. 

“Most definitely,” she tells him, to be met by his roguish lopsided smile.

He’s still cooking when his phone begins to ring on the coffee table in front of her, making Rey jump in surprise. It’s a sound that she has heard only once before, on Christmas Day when his mother called him. Other than that Bens phone _never_ usually rings. She looks at him in surprise. His eyes flick up, a sheet of lasagne in his hands, and an unreadable expression comes over his face. Rey leans forwards, looking at the screen, tracking her eyes across the number flashing there.

“It’s an international number,” she tells him. “It could be your mother.”

Ben frowns slightly, his eyes fixed on the lasagne dish in front of him. “I have both my mother’s and uncle’s home and work numbers saved in my phone though, so it would show up if it was them.”

“Well who else could be ringing you from outside the country? ” Rey asks. “Who else do you actually know in the States?”

She watches as he freezes, a lasagne sheet suspended over the dish, and a tremor in his hands that she can’t fail to notice. He’s looking down into the contents of the dish as though it contains the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen. Rey can see the sudden tension thrumming through his body, sense some type of dark wave of emotion coming from him, and alarm bells start going off in the back of her mind. 

“Ben?” she asks uncertainly.

He shakes himself a little, breaking the spell of whatever moment is holding him, then suddenly he’s in motion again, lowering the sheet of pasta into the dish. “Nobody I'd care to speak to,” he answers her before deftly adding the rest of the sauce to the dish and disappearing behind the kitchen counter to slide it into the oven. He reappears a moment later, forcing a smile onto his face for her, and Rey can’t help but notice how pale he is. “I baked some bread today,” he tells her. “I’m doing some homemade garlic bread.”

Rey recognises it for the distraction it is, but his face has become closed off, and he clearly doesn’t want to discuss who might be trying to get hold of him. She decides not to press the issue with him. She knows only too well that he has secrets he wants to keep, and that he will talk to her if and when he’s ready. There’s still a nagging fear that plucks at the back of her mind due to how rattled he looked just now, but she pushes it down and plasters a smile on for him.

“So you can bake as well?” She says lightly, playing along with his subject change. “Any more hidden skills you’d care to reveal?”

His eyes flick up to her as he works. “Not really,” he answers.

When he’s finished in the kitchen, he walks over and sits down next to her, looking pensive and worried and running his hand through his hair repeatedly. Rey can almost feel something eating away at him. “Do you want to talk about it?” She ventures softly, but he just gives a firm shake of his head, not meeting her eye.

So, instead, she decides to try her very best to both cheer him and distract both of them by regaling him with some of the more ridiculous public library incidents she’s encountered directly or else been told about by Rose. Some of the tales have gone down in library legend, and Rey imagines that the stories have been passed down from librarian to librarian over the decades. 

She sits there, filling the tense silence, chatting at him while he bites his nails and ruffles up his hair until it stands out from his head crazily. She tells him of the book which was discovered with a piece of finely sliced ham being used as a bookmark. She describes the stink-bombs in the library incident, in which multiple of the offending items had been smashed onto the carpet by a group of youths - the smell had stuck and they’d had to close the library for several days while the carpets were deep cleaned. She describes the thoroughly obnoxious woman who had brought in a book she’d brought from the local bookshop and insisted that the library could refund the cost of the book. She remembers for him the library book that had been finally returned 55 years later by a man who had been clearing out his father’s house. She speaks of the man who had asked Rose, entirely straight faced, whether they loaned out “blue movies” on DVD as well as feature films. She tells him about that one time a pigeon got in, and they had to call pest control to come and capture it with their large net, but only after it had crapped all over its perch on the top shelf of the gardening books. She describes the pregnant cat that had somehow managed to slip in unseen, and was discovered to have given birth to a litter of kittens secreted in a corner of the reference library.

Ben isn’t really listening at first, she knows this, and she’s also aware that she is babbling somewhat. But as the moments go by, the more she talks, the more he begins to relax. Eventually he lets out a few soft snorts of laughter, or else raises his eyebrows in surprise, and so she counts her efforts at least a minor success. 

His phone begins to ring again when they’re eating dinner, and he stutters a little in his conversation with her, but otherwise ignores it, though he pales again when he checks the screen after they’ve eaten. 

He is quiet that evening as they watch TV, refraining from his usual commentary on the fantasy show they are currently viewing. Rey can see his phone lighting up intermittently from where it lies face down on the table, a thin strip of blue light escaping from the sides of the screen and playing across the wood grain. He has silenced it, she realises. She studies his profile from time to time, and can see the tightness at the corners of his eyes, a hollowness underlying his expression. His small smiles don’t seem genuine, and his face is less expressive. 

She feels tendrils of anxiety seeping into her body, that familiar feeling of mild panic in her chest, and her unruly mind grabs onto these sensations, beginning to spiral a little. Is everything alright with the two of them? Is this an ex girlfriend or something, is that why he doesn’t want to answer? Not that it’s any of her business if it is. He is clearly experienced with women, and from their chats she’s gleaned that he’s had several different lovers throughout his past, though she knows that there hasn’t been anyone for several years before he met her. But he’s never mentioned past relationships. She wants to ask him for reassurance, but at the same time she doesn’t want to push her anxieties onto him when he is already clearly carrying such a heavy load. She reminds herself that is not about her and that she can take care of herself, so she just sits with it, trying to let the wave of fear wash over her

However Ben notices, of course, with his preternatural instinct that he seems to possess whenever something is troubling her. He reaches for the remote, pausing the show, before looking down at her where she lies snuggled against his side. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

She curses at herself internally for whatever she has done to give herself away. She hauls herself up, turning to face him and searching for the words. “Ben...are we...are we ok?”

His eyes soften immediately and he reaches out to rest one hand against her cheek, looking at her seriously. “Of course we are. You’re the best thing in my life, Rey.”

She heaves a sigh of relief and feels her body relax just a little. “OK,” she says, nodding to herself. “Good.” 

He leans forwards, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. “Now I’ve finally found you, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s exactly what she needed to hear, and she collapses back into his side, snuggling into him. Her worry for his state of mind still lingers, prickling like ants crawling under her skin, but she boxes it up and puts it away for his sake, stroking her hand over his chest soothingly.

“I’m sorry for being such a worrier,” she says into his sweater. “The thought of you leaving, it just sucks.”

He kisses the top of her head. “Good job I’ve no intention of leaving then,” he affirms, his voice low and devoted. 

The light on the phone continues to flash. Eventually, she watches as he turns it off altogether. 

They don't make love that night, neither of them much in the mood for it. Instead he wraps her in the warmest of hugs as he kisses her face, entangling his long legs with hers, and the feel and the scent of his skin pressed against her lulls her and sends her into slumber.

*

Rey dreams she is on a ship being tossed by a storm. Gargantuan waves rise above the deck she stands on, and she rides the perilous journey to their peak, before plummeting back down, clinging desperately to the ship’s mast. The sky above is heavy with fat bellied grey clouds, and streaks of lightning cast an eerie light on the sea as she’s tossed to and fro on the deck, slipping and sliding as the water sheets off the boards of wood. The dream fades eventually, but the movement itself doesn’t. As she comes awake she becomes aware that Ben is tossing and turning in his sleep, making the bed sway and creak just like the planks of the ship’s deck in her dream. She knows better than to wake him by now, so she just shuffles herself to the very edge of the bed, and watches uncomfortably as his face twists in agony. Eventually, he comes awake, sitting bolt upright with a shout, and she immediately goes to him, reaching to put her arms around him. The second her hands meet his skin though, he flinches away and then jumps up, his face filled with regret as his eyes focus on her. He is breathing fast, his chest heaving as though he has just run a marathon.

“Sorry,” he mutters looking at the floor guiltily, before running his hand through his hair. “I...I just need a moment.”

He walks from the room without looking at her again, and Rey hears a loud thud against the wall as he makes his way to the bathroom. She sits there on the edge of the bed feeling utterly useless in the face of his torment, not knowing what to do, unable to know how to offer him comfort. All she wants to do is take this pain away for him. If someone offered to swap places and that she could bear the nightmares for him - horrible as that would be - she knows now that she would accept in a flash. Anything not to see that haunted look on his face and the tears in his eyes when he awakes. 

She hears the noise of the shower come on down the corridor, water pattering against tile. The gibbous moon shines its ghostly light through a gap in the curtains, and she sits herself up on the edge of the bed, listening to the noise of the water and thinking about the things that haunt her from her own past. Her anxiety this evening is a prime example. Abandonment is one of her deepest most primal fears. She has kept the risk of it happening to her again at bay for most of her life, by never allowing anyone to get close to her. But now she finds herself in a position not only with actual real genuine friends, but also deeply in love with someone, potentially exposing herself to hurt in the most visceral way possible. So she understands what it is to be haunted by the legacy of things that have happened in your life, and how those ghosts can linger on. And if those phone calls are his own past coming back to haunt him….she shivers and presses her hand into her chest. Her heart is sore for him. 

As she sits with her maudlin thoughts, she begins to hear a noise emanating from the bathroom, and it isn’t the patter of water. It sounds more like deep heaving gasps, and she jumps to her feet in concern. She walks down the corridor, bare feet padding on the soft carpet, passing a hole in the wall that hadn’t been there earlier. It’s the size of a fist, and she guesses that the thudding noise she had heard earlier had been Ben punching it. The bathroom door is open and the lights shine brightly, making her squint after the nighttime darkness of the rest of the house. Through clear glass, she can see Ben sitting on the floor of his giant walk in shower, water running in clear rivulets down his body as he fists his hands in his hair and takes huge heaving gasps which end in broken sobs. Rey’s hand goes to her mouth and her heart twists painfully in her chest.

Feeling tears springing to her own eyes, she approaches and pulls the glass door open. Ben doesn’t look at her, though he must know she’s there. His head remains firmly clasped in his hands and he just makes a little pained whine. So Rey pulls off her underwear, and steps into the shower letting her back slide down the wet tiles, until she is seated right next to him, both of them leaning against the wall. She brings her arm round his shoulders, and pulls him into her side. He collapses into her with no resistance at all, his head sliding down into her lap, his body curling into the foetal position on the shower floor, and he sobs brokenly in her arms as she runs her hands over his body soothingly, tears running down her own cheeks.

Time passes. She doesn’t know how long she cradles him for as he cries, but eventually the noises tail off, the heaving of his chest stills, and his breathing returns to normal. When he has finally quieted, she gently urges him to sit up again, before standing and turning off the warm water. She holds out her hand to him, and as he rises to his feet she pushes the shower door open with her foot before reaching out and grabbing one of his large fluffy towels, still warm from the radiator. Still dripping, she dries him tenderly, swiping the soft textile over his skin while he hangs his head not once meeting her eyes. When they are both dry, she takes his hand and leads him back to the bedroom for whatever short hours of the night remain.

*

Unfortunately it’s her turn to work Saturday this week, and it’s unbelievably difficult to wake up properly in the morning, given their interrupted night. She reaches for Ben instinctively as she surfaces from sleep, only to find an empty space where he would usually be. The sheets on his side of the bed are cold, as though he has been up for some time, and Rey wonders whether he has even slept at all. She forces herself out of bed and puts her clothes on at record speed, before making her way worriedly into the main living area. The smell of toast and expensive coffee beans drifts to her nostrils. Ben is busy at the espresso machine, but he turns to her when she says “Hey,” softly. 

There are deep shadows under his eyes and they are red rimmed, his eyelids puffy. He looks pale and worn, but he tries to force a smile for her, the corners of his lips curling just slightly. She goes to him and just puts her arms around his waist, squeezing him tightly, trying to express without words that she loves him, that she’s there for him.

“Hey,” he mutters into her hair, squeezing her right back.

He’s quiet as he drives her into work, and when she asks him if he’s going to come in and write today, he just shakes his head silently. They sit there in his car on the side street just next to Maz's coffeeshop, and she holds his hand, stroking her thumb over the back of it while the heater blasts warm air around them. People are walking past outside their little bubble of warmth, heading into work, vapour billowing from their mouths. Music plays quietly in the background as she just sits there with him, knowing she is sacrificing the minutes she needs to buy her gingerbread latte if she is to get to work on time. But she doesn’t care at all, doesn’t want to leave the car before they’ve at least touched on the subject of how he is doing.

Eventually, she opens her mouth to speak, but he beats her to it. 

“I’m sorry about last night,” he says despondent, staring into his lap.

“What? You’ve got nothing at all to apologise for!” Rey answers incredulously. “I was happy to be there for you. You never need to apologise for the way you’re feeling. Not to me.”

He hums, tracing his index finger around the steering wheel. “Nobody should have to see that though. Least of all you. I...I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I did warn you that I was a bit broken.” he looks up at her guiltily.

She strokes his hand more firmly, before clasping it tightly between both of hers. She looks at him seriously, and he gazes back at her with sad eyes. “I don’t care if you’re broken. You’re absolutely perfect, to me.”

He snorts disparagingly. “I am far from perfect,” he tells her. 

“I don’t care, Ben,” she replies urgently. “I _love_ you, everything that you are….you know you can talk to me about anything you need to, right?” 

“I know,” he says softly, before huffing a big sigh, then shaking his head at himself. He turns and pulls her in for a kiss to her forehead. “Anyway, enough of my brooding, I want to be better than this for you.”

“You’re looking at it wrongly,” she tells him sagely. “You should be however you need to be. I _want_ to be here for you.” She squeezes his hand tight, leans up to kiss him full on the lips, and is gratified when a slight smile graces the corner of his mouth. “What will you do today then if you aren’t writing?”

He thinks for a moment, and she watches as he purses his lips just slightly. “I’m going to walk,” he decides. “I’ll drive out to the moors and walk the woodland again, get myself out of this funk. That always helps me a lot.”

Rey nods her approval. The fresh air and the sunlight will do him good. “Good. I think that’s a great idea.” 

She leans in for another kiss and he opens his mouth to her eagerly. She plays gently with the small hairs curling at the back of his neck as their tongues slide together. She never gets tired of kissing him. In fact, she thinks she could quite happily do it for a million years and never tire of it. When she pulls back, she reaches up and traces his cheek with her fingers. He leans into her palm, before turning to press his lips against it. 

“Once again, you somehow make everything feel better. Just being near you, touching you, it’s like a balm.” He’s looking at her, his big brown eyes serious and focused. 

She just shrugs at him before planting one last lingering kiss on his lips, bidding him farewell and sliding out of the car. She stands and watches as he pulls away, the sleek lines of his black car disappearing around the corner. She hopes that he’s going to be ok by himself today. 

She swears loudly when she hears the town hall clock chime 9am. She’s much later than she thought, and she practically runs to the library, getting there several minutes late. Those few minutes lingering in Ben’s car are worth the dirty look the chief librarian throws her. 

She never had a chance to get her gingerbread latte after all, but it doesn’t really matter and she doesn’t care, because for the rest of the day the taste of his mouth still lingers on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel the pain train a-coming? However, cos they are too cute together, i am at least going to give them Valentine's day, so that will be the next chapter. After that, though, we will be making a detour into some angsty territory. Ulitmate happy ending guaranteed though.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Rey decides to use some of her annual leave in order to book off the evening of Valentine’s day, giving herself time to race home and get ready for Ben taking her out. She also, in a moment of madness, books leave for the remainder of the week. The day after Vatentine’s off will allow her to savour the morning in bed with Ben after their date, with no rush to head out into the freezing grey drizzle that seems to have settled in over the weekend, and which is clinging on into the new week.

She justifies booking the rest of the time off by telling herself it’s always harder to get out of bed this time of year in the gloom of the morning before the sun has even risen, so she’s just giving herself the treat of lie-ins for a solid few days. In her loveliest and most warming daydreams though, she imagines what it would be like to book a holiday somewhere in the sun for those few days. To fly somewhere far away and hot, to soak up the rays and watch her skin brown, to gather up enough warmth to carry her through the last part of the winter. Rey’s never been abroad, and it makes her sad that she never left this island she lives on and seen what gems the wider world has to offer. Maybe someday. For now, however, that’s way beyond her means, so she will simply savour her mornings in bed instead.

She heads into work on Tuesday morning, clutching her coffee, and determined to get every last detail from Rose about her date with Kaydel over the weekend. Rose had taken yesterday off, and despite Rey’s messages, so far her friend had been uncharacteristically coy about the situation, stating only that it had gone ‘well’ and that she would fill Rey when she saw her. She dumps her soggy umbrella and coat in the cloakroom, and heads up to the library floor to find Rose deep in conversation with Kaydel across the desk, their heads leaning close together conspiratorially. When the archivist sees Rey coming, she blushes and smiles, before bidding Rose farewell and making haste through the large wooden and glass door that leads to the dusty depths of the library archives. 

Spotting an unfamiliar flush of red across Rose’s cheeks too, Rey raises her eyebrows at her friend. “I’m guessing it went _really_ well then? I mean, she’s still talking to you at least, that’s a good sign, right?” she teases. 

Rose snorts gently in laughter. “Yeah, you could say it went well.” She produces a large brown envelope from underneath the desk. “She came up to the desk to give me this.” Rose slides a card out of the envelope and passes it to Rey. On the front is a beautiful collage image of a large rose, made from different colours and patterns of paper. “She handmade this for me before I'd even asked her out. She was apparently going to push it through my locker having not signed her name on it. I never would have even known it was her.”

Rey opens the card. Inside is a message inscribed in a looping script which says “ _To the sweet Rose I admire from afar. From ?”_ , except the question mark is now crossed out and instead Kaydel’s name is signed underneath.

Rey gives a low whistle, making one of the nearby older patrons look up from his newspaper and scowl at her. “She really likes you then,” she states, unnecessarily. 

“Apparently so,” answers Rose. “Imagine if I’d never asked her out! I never would have even guessed it was her. We might have never got together.”

Rey ponders on the vagaries of fate, and how it both keeps people apart and also brings them together. If she had never mentioned the imaginary girlfriend of Ben’s she had created in her head to him that night, then maybe he would have carried on assuming she just wasn’t interested, maybe he would never have asked to kiss her, would never have come up to her flat with her for the first time. Maybe they would never have got together. It takes her breath away a little just to think of how differently her pathway could have unfurled. He’s become such a huge part of her life in just a couple of short months, and he is so woven into the fabric of her heart now, that it’s hard to think of her life without him. She feels a little cold shudder wash over her, like the chill of a premonition, as she imagines her life without Ben.

She’s startled back to the present when Rose pokes her in her side, and realises her friend has said her name a couple of times but she hasn’t responded. 

“Thinking of the dark lord?” Her friend teases, poking her again when Rey nods. “So how’s your Valentine’s day going?” Rose asks. 

“When I left my house this morning, I could barely get the door open for the multiple sacks full of valentines cards the postman had delivered,” Rey deadpans.

Rose raises her eyebrows, all wide eyed. “Really?”

“No, _obviously_ not,” Rey laughs. “I don’t have that many admirers.”

“I wouldn’t put it past Ben to send you, like, a hundred cards or something crazy like that though,” Rose tells her. 

“I told him not to go overboard,” Rey replies. “He spent enough on me for Christmas. So we compromised and he’s taking me out for dinner. Some Italian place I could never afford, then back to his place.”

Rose wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, quipping, “I bet he’s got a nice present waiting for you at home though,” before winking. Rey rolls her eyes at her before grabbing a pile of books for shelving. 

*

At lunchtime, Rey decides to treat herself and forges her way across the town hall square and through the grim weather to Maz’s place. The small elderly woman is working the till, and peers at Rey through her bottle thick glasses as she approaches the counter and orders a toasted panini with mozzarella and tomato, and a hot drink. 

After she’s ordered, the small woman just studies her for a moment, and Rey wonders if she has something on her face, maybe some stamp ink. She wipes vaguely at her face with her sleeve. 

“Go sit, child, I’ll bring your order over when it’s ready,” Maz tells her eventually.

Rey nods and makes her way over to a window seat, taking her phone out and answering a message from Ben as she waits for her food. People rush by outside the window, wanting to spend only the absolute minimum amount of time outside in the freezing rain. Brightly coloured umbrellas are reflected in blurs on the slick flagstones of the town square, looking like impressionistic flowers. Rey idly watches the colours and shapes they make against the wet floor as she waits. Eventually Maz appears with her panini and coffee, and Rey is surprised when the woman slides onto the seat opposite her and gives her a long and serious look. 

Rey shrugs internally and tucks into her meal. Maz obviously has something to say to her. Her advice in the past has always been wise, if cryptic, usually coming when Rey was wrestling with some sort of decision. 

“How’s that young man of yours?” the older woman asks.

Rey chews quickly and swallows her bite of panini, not wanting to spray it all over Maz. “He’s fine,” she answers. 

Maz just raises one eyebrow at her. “Ah, child. I’ve seen his eyes. You know as well as I do that something haunts him. He looks like he doesn’t get a lot of sleep.”

Rey nods slowly. “Nightmares,” she explains, but doesn’t go any further than that. 

Maz looks speculative. “People’s pasts have a way of catching up with them eventually,” she says. “Sometimes you can’t just let the past die, you can’t outrun it if you want to be truly free. Fate comes a-knocking, and there’s nothing you can do then but turn and face it.” 

Rey wipes her mouth with a napkin and frowns. “So you’re saying that Ben needs to face his past?” She thinks of the way his phone kept ringing the other night, wonders if fate has in fact come-a-knocking as Maz had just said. 

“I’m saying nothing in particular, child. It’s just the musings of an old woman.” She leans forward suddenly, looking intently into Rey’s eyes, and there’s such a weight of wisdom in her irises, that Rey feels unaccountably pinned by her gaze. “That boy loves you more than anyone I’ve ever seen love another person, I can tell you that much.”

“How do you know?” Rey queries, skeptically. 

“It’s in the eyes, always,” Maz tells her sagely. “You learn to recognise it when you’re as old as I am.” She leans across the table and takes Rey’s hands in her own. Her skin is ancient and weathered, but she has a surprisingly strong grip. “Sometimes we need to come through the deepest of darkness to really see the light. Never lose hope, child, whatever happens, always keep moving forwards. And remember that love is the strongest force in the universe.”

Rey blinks, trying to parse Maz's words, but the diminutive woman is already standing and patting her arm, before making her way back behind the counter. A heavyfeeling of premonition curls through her gut again, for the second time that day. Maz’s words had seemed contradictory, she spoke of both darkness and love, of both the past returning and of moving forward. Rey shakes her head to herself. It was unhelpfully and characteristically vague, but if she knows Maz at all, then at some point those words will become relevant to her. Still, she struggles to shake off the slight heaviness in her soul evoked by Maz's words as she makes her way back to the library.

The rest of day plods on reasonably quickly. It’s still pouring outside, the kind of freezing rain that soaks right through the skin and sets itself up in the bones, wrapping the soul in ice, and as a result the library is quieter than usual. In the late afternoon, only a couple of hours until Rey can leave, she and Rose are manning the desk and chatting idly about the merits of different types of cake, when a harassed looking man staggers into the library, dripping wet and holding an outrageously large mixed bunch of flowers in different colours. Rey gives a gasp.

“He’s pulled out all the stops for somebody. Wonder whose boyfriend or husband he is.” she muses.

Rose looks all misty eyed. “Awww. They’re beautiful. I wonder who they’re for.”

The man makes his way to the desk, and that’s when Rey notices a name badge pinned to his coat, with the logo of a local florist beneath. “Rey Kanata?” he asks, “Someone work here called Rey Kanata?”

Rey's eyes widen, as Rose squeals next to her, drawing the attention of several patrons nearby. Rose nudges her when she can’t get the words out.

“Er. That’s me,” she admits eventually.

“For you. I apologise that they weren’t here this morning. We’re overrun and understaffed today,” the man says gruffly, handing the dripping bouquet over the desk before turning on his heel and striding from the library. Rey stands there looking open mouthed at the huge bunch of flowers, and willing herself not to cry. 

“Wow, Ben has got it bad,” pipes up Rose next to her, while Rey just nods silently. Nobody has ever bought her flowers before. Ever. She didn’t really think she was the sort of girl that inspired men to buy flowers - but apparently she is now, somehow. She notices the bright white of an envelope amidst the blooms, and pulls it out, opening it carefully. 

The small card reads. _I know we said no presents. But strictly this isn’t a present as such. Don’t be cross with me. I love you. See you later, B x_

Rose reads it over her shoulder. “You can’t be angry with him, Rey,” she echoes, with a hint of reproach in her voice. “This is _so_ romantic of him. And he’s right, it’s not a present in the traditional sense. Not as such.”

“I’m not cross,” Rey whispers as her eyes run over the different blooms, taking in their shapes and colours. In fact, she is feeling inordinately pleased, a warmth suffusing her and that tender feeling only Ben can give her unfurling inside her chest.

The happy moment is interrupted by a pale, red haired man with an unpleasant pinched look on his face. He enters the library abruptly, shaking the water from his brolly all over the floor and making noises of frustration. He marches up to the desk and meets Rey’s eye, and there is something in the cold icy blue of his eyes that makes an unpleasant feeling slither in Rey’s guts. “Does it never bloody stop raining in this place?” He demands in a clipped tone. 

“It’s North West England,” she answers calmly. “It’s sort of a given in winter.”

His gaze drops down, and he raises his eyebrows at the sight of the massive bouquet that is currently dripping all over the desk. She can almost see his top lip curl with disdain. Rey feels him dismiss her, as he turns a little and he taps his fingers impatiently on the desk near Rose, before fixing his gaze on her friend.

“I’m looking for an address,” he says shortly, irritation evident throughout his tone. “But my phone’s run out. Can I charge it here?”

Rose smiles sweetly, the very picture of helpfulness, and points her way over to the bank of plugs where people can plug in their own devices or charge phones. “Right over there, Sir. though I can help you with directions to anywhere you’re heading.”

He shakes his head sharply. “No need,” he replies before striding off to the bank of plugs. 

“Rude,” Rey comments quietly. “Didn’t even say please or thank you.”

“Welcome to public service,” Rose mutters.

* 

At 5.30pm, Rey can’t get out of the place fast enough, and is shocked to find that the rain has actually almost stopped. She negotiates the bus home with her huge bunch of flowers, trying to make sure they don’t get squashed on the way, and eliciting smiles from the old grey haired dears sat nattering at the front of the bus. Once home, she puts them proudly in a vase on her coffee table, admiring how beautiful they look 

Rey had scoured the charity shops on Sunday afternoon for something to wear to her dinner with Ben. She’s never possessed the famous ‘little black dress’, a wardrobe essential which women seem to rave about in the vacuous magazines left on the staffroom table at work. She feels that now she’s got to a stage in her life where she’s actually going out to restaurants, it’s about time that she should own one. Slinky and sensual has never really been her style, but she is determined to at least find something short, and suitably cute which will make her feel good. If she’s perfectly honest with herself, she also wants to see Ben’s eyes widen like they did when he saw her in her dress on New Year’s Eve.

The post-Christmas months are always a bountiful time in the charity shops, and Rey has both an endless patience for rummaging through rails of second hand clothes, and a virtual sixth sense of where to find the best items. Eventually, close to closing time on Sunday, she had found the _perfect_ dress. It’s in excellent condition, like it’s brand new, and Rey suspects that somebody had worn it once to a party or something over the festive period and then never again.

It is black - her main criteria fulfilled - and grazes her leg well above the knee. Not short enough to be tasteless, but short enough to - hopefully - qualify as sexy, and enough to reveal an ample amount of her shapely legs. Moreover, it’s cute and not nondescript and boring, which is Rey’s second most important criteria. It's made of a soft black lace, with an integrated low cut black slip underneath. The lace rises over her decolletage to circle her neck, moulding to her shape but not quite skintight. Long lace sleeves, and a skirt that flares out a little complete the look. She had thought about getting heels to wear, but after trying some on and teetering down the shop, nearly losing her balance and bringing down a whole shelf of bric a brac, she had decided that flats were the safer way to go. She treated herself to some little black ballet flats covered in black sequins from the endlessly lingering post Christmas sales. Teamed with some extremely sheer black tights which more than just hint at the skin underneath, she has to admit it’s a really pretty outfit. 

Following a Youtube tutorial, she sweeps her hair up, leaving a few bits dangling artfully around her face. She puts on some light makeup before scrunching her nose up and deciding to apply a little more eyeliner to make her hazel eyes stand out even more. She steps back and regards herself in the full length mirror. She’s both pleased and surprised by what she sees. She looks somehow slightly older, even without the high heels. Her updo reveals the delicate lines and angles of her face more clearly, and she turns her face from side to side as she regards her reflection, noticing the way her face has changed over the years. The gentle scratch of the lace against the sensitive skin of her neck and inner arms makes her feel sexy, and she spins in front of the mirror feeling more grown up than she’s ever felt before.

When the buzzer goes and she lets Ben in, she takes a deep breath before opening the door, then stands back to watch his reaction. 

His eyes go wide and sweep up and down her body. “Wow,” he says. “Just, wow.”

“You like it?” Rey asks, spinning so that her skirt flares out a little, and she watches as his eyes linger on her legs. 

“I like it very very much,” he responds, coming in close for a soft kiss to her lips, trailing his fingers over the lace that covers her decolletage and her lower neck. “Happy Valentines, sweet girl.”

She hums happily as he trails his fingers around the neckline of the dress, teasing the skin of her neck. “Thank you for the beautiful flowers.”

“So I'm not in trouble then?” 

Rey responds playfully. “Only a tiny little bit. But I forgive you because they were so beautiful. Nobody has ever bought me flowers before.”

Ben looks scandalised at that revelation. “Well, that’s an absolute tragedy,” he tells her. “Because you definitely deserve to have flowers bought for you.”

“Oh, shush,” she tells him, picking up her bag and locking the door behind her as they leave her small flat. 

*

The thing Rey hasn’t told Ben is that she has never eaten out at a proper restaurant before. Sure, she’s been to fast food places and in food courts, but never to a real actual proper restaurant with waiters and candles and types of food she’s never heard of. So she is more than a little anxious as Ben takes them on the relatively short drive to the next town over, music humming in the background. What if she does something wrong? What if she uses the wrong cutlery or dribbles food down her dress? What if she commits some major faux-pas, revealing her level of utter unsophistication to her charming boyfriend?

“What’s up?” Ben interrupts eventually, just as she is beginning to spiral a little. 

She turns in her seat a little. “I’ve never been to a restaurant,” she admits, her cheeks burning at the admission. “It’s kind of nerve wracking.”

Ben, as his nature, doesn’t make a big deal of her utter lack of worldliness. He just speaks softly to her, reassuring her in a warm tone that it’s a very relaxed atmosphere at this particular restaurant; that, no, she won’t have to deal with a wide array of cutlery; that he doesn’t really care if she accidentally spills food on her dress; and that in fact, there is nothing in the world that she could do that would scare him away.

By the time they arrive there, she is relatively relaxed, and the warm weight of Ben's hand on her lower spine as he holds the door open for her is enough for her to let go fully and actually allow herself to enjoy the experience. The restaurant is clearly high quality, yet it doesn’t have that stark and sterile air Rey has always felt whenever she’s glimpsed the interior of posh restaurants through their front windows. Instead, this place has a slightly more welcoming air, with the walls painted in warm colours, and filled with furniture of high quality wood. It has a wonderful air of intimacy about it, softly lit by muted light and decorated with candles at the centre of each table and flickering in sconces on the wall. All across the restaurant, couples sit across from each other, the soft murmur of conversation and the clink of cutlery and crockery rising from each table. The smells drifting from the kitchen are utterly wonderful, and Rey feels the vibration of her stomach rumbling. Somebody takes their coats, before guiding them to a table in a pleasant corner, which Rey feels gives them a sense of privacy. 

They order drinks - Ben has sparkling water because he’s driving, and he recommends a wine for Rey to try, so she orders a single glass rather than a half bottle. Remembering his feelings about not having sex when she’s very intoxicated, she is determined that she will not get drunk tonight and deny herself the pleasure of Ben’s attentions later on. The waiter passes them menus, and it’s in Italian, but with an English translation thank goodness. As they wait for the food, Ben looks at her guiltily. She narrows her eyes at him, sipping at the excellent wine.

“What have you done now, Solo?”

“I’ve got something for you.” 

She opens her mouth to object, but he interrupts smoothly. “Don’t be cross. This only cost me a few pounds to be honest.”

She relents. That’s okay then. Her real objection is him buying her things which cost, in Rey’s eyes, too much money. 

“Hold your hand out and close your eyes,” he tells her, rummaging in his pocket. She complies, wondering what on earth he is about to give her. She feels the distinctive slightly cool feel of metal pressed into her palm. She cracks one eye open experimentally, before her other flies open. In the palm of her hand sits a key. She looks at him questioningly. 

“It's the key to my apartment,” he explains. “I want you to be able to come and go as you please. And if I need to go down to London again, you’re very welcome to stay there.”

Now _this_ sort of gift she can handle, and she is profoundly touched by the gesture. Rey’s own space is borderline sacred to her, and she knows that he feels similarly about his own apartment. Both of them are damaged by the legacy of their past lives, finding it hard to let people into their safe spaces, and she knows that this is the ultimate gesture of trust in her. What he’s telling her with this gift means more than anything else he could possibly have bought for her. 

“Thank you Ben.” She looks up at him with shining eyes, blinking away tears, and she knows he can sense how much this gift means to her.

“I know you’ve got this week booked off,” he continues. “I...uh...thought that if you liked, you could spend the week at mine...You don’t have to of course, I’m sure that you have your own things to do, but I just want you to know you’re welcome to stay at my place...No pressure of course.” 

And she does want to, very much so, so she tells him that and is met by a bright smile that almost makes her heart overflow with affection.

*

The meal is delicious, beyond anything Rey has ever tasted before, and Ben insists that she also sample a mouthful from the dishes he’s ordered too. It’s an impressive experience for her first time eating out in a restaurant. She’s careful not to drink a lot, just the single glass of wine, moving onto the sparkling water afterwards. When he finally orders the bill, and they pay up and leave, she finds that the sky has at last cleared fully. Stars prickle through the black sheet of night, shining down on them through the soft haze of the street lamps, and Ben pulls her close into his side as they make for his car.

She’s forgotten her gloves, so by the time they get back to his apartment, her fingers are going numb with the cold. He comes to kneel in front of her after hanging their coats up, and takes her hands between his. His huge warm grasp encompasses her relatively small hands easily, and he rubs at her fingers and breathes warm air over them to warm her up. She can feel her circulation tingling through her fingers, and the huffs of warm air he breathes over her hands kindles a fire deep in her belly. 

“What would you like to do now?” he asks, looking up at her with a dangerous glint in his eye.

“Well, I was thinking I’d just have an early night,” she tells him, deadpan. “Thought I’d get into bed.”

“Oh, okay,” he says, and she can see the slightly disappointed cast to his features, though he’s too much of a gentleman to admit anything of the sort to her.

She laughs. “I’m joking of course. I mean, I want to go to the bedroom but I don’t exactly want to sleep.” She looks up at him, trying her best for a smouldering look. She’s not quite sure she achieves it, but it must do something, because Ben’s eyes darken in response. His fingers play about the hem of her skirt, brushing at her tights and she’s suddenly seized by a rush of intense desire. “Bedroom. Now,” she tells him, tugging on his hand, and he obliges, following her eagerly. 

Once they’re in the room, she kicks off her shoes and strips off her tights, revealing the length of her legs to Ben’s darkening gaze. Then, suddenly, he’s upon her, crowding her against the wall. He kisses her urgently, his hands playing about the bottom of her dress, before one hand slides up under her thigh. He lifts her leg to hook around him, as his other hand searches beneath her skirt. When his fingers find her panties and press against them, she realises just how wet she is already. He responds to the discovery by growling into her mouth with desire as his fingers rub over the thin lacy fabric covering her.

She can feel him hardening in his pants, the length of him pressing into her as he ruts gently against her. Rey has grown in confidence over the past few weeks, become more sure of her own touch upon his body, and she runs her hand over the bulge in his trousers and feels him rock into her a little. She’s suddenly struck by an idea and a hot stab of desire that follows it. It’s something she’s never done for him, though she has felt his lips and tongue between her legs many times now. She figures it’s about time to return the favour. She unzips his pants, freeing him from the confines of his boxer shorts, before sinking down to her knees on the thick carpet. 

He looks at her wide eyed, his mouth falling open as she looks up at him. She can see how much he wants this, but knowing him as she does, she knows he’s just about to tell her that she doesn’t have to do this. So she gets her words in before he can begin to speak. 

“I want to do this for you,” she says, looking up at him, taking his length into her right hand and working it gently up and down. “Let me do this for you.”

He nods, seemingly lost for words, and she presses a soft kiss to the tip of his cock, before sweeping her tongue around the bulging head of it curiously, looking up at him all the while. He gasps and his eyes flutter closed as she swirls her tongue around him. Slight sticky wetness leaks from the head and she laps it up with her tongue, before experimentally running her tongue along the length of him from root to tip. 

He breathes out shakily, before opening his eyes again, watching as she opens her lips and swirls her tongue around the head of his cock, before sucking it into her mouth. 

“Christ, Rey,” he mutters, his hands grasping convulsively into fists at his side. 

Unsure of how much she can take, she slides her mouth down the length of him carefully, stopping when he hits the back of her throat and she can feel her gag reflex threaten to kick in. She begins to move her head back and forth, keeping her eyes upon his the whole time, wanting to see every single expression that passes across his face. She knows enough to understand vaguely what she’s supposed to be doing, so she works her tongue against him as she sucks up and down, and from the strangled noises he’s making she certainly seems to be doing something right. Her jaw begins to ache a little, but it’s a trivial thing compared to the pleasure the expression on his face is giving her. His hands claw at the wall behind him, his body trembles, and Rey guesses he is fighting not to thrust into her mouth, to let her take it as slowly as she needs to. She finds though, that that’s not exactly what she wants, and eventually she takes his hands in hers, repositioning them in her hair and before pressing her own hands to his backside to encourage him to thrust forwards. He moans at that, thrusting gently into her mouth, taking his cues from her and fisting his hands in her hair as he works her back and forth over his cock. He mutters expletives the whole time, tells her how amazing she feels, what a good girl she is, his eyes wide with wonder as though he can’t believe what she’s actually doing to him.

She can feel herself aching and dripping between her legs, and she whimpers a little in frustration. Ben picks up immediately on what she needs, and says in a rough commanding tone, “Touch yourself.”

She’s never done that in front of him before, but she’s so desperate for something to soothe the ache between her legs that the feeling of him in her mouth is creating, that she lets her self consciousness go and snakes one hand down into her panties. She’s dripping wet, and she begins to slide her fingers over herself, through her folds and then rubbing tight little circles on her clit as she sucks at him. 

Soon, he’s taken over the pace for her, and is tugging her head back and forth on him more and more quickly as he makes desperate animal noises and babbles filthy nonsense to her. Her fingers slide over her clit, again and again, and she can feel her legs beginning to shake with her oncoming orgasm. Soon, she feels him swells even harder inside her.

“Rey,” he gasps in warning, his voice urgent. “I’m going to come, so stop if you don’t want to- ah!”

He’s interrupted by her hollowing her cheeks and giving a particularly vigorous suck. Her cries are muffled around him as she comes apart under her own fingers, and she guesses that’s what finally pushes him over the edge. He comes with a shout, emptying himself into her mouth and throat. She swallows down on the warm saltiness, surprised at the flavour, making sure to carry on sucking while he twitches in her mouth. 

Eventually he laughs weakly, and pulls her head away, before sliding his back down the wall to kneel on the floor in front of her. 

“Was it good?” she asks unsurely. “I’ve never done that.”

He laughs incredulously. “Was it good?! Rey, that was fucking amazing. Watching you do that, it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” He leans in to kiss her, and Rey wonders if he can taste himself on her tongue. Eventually, he hooks his arms under her legs and lifts her up in his arms, before walking over and depositing her on the bed. She rolls onto her side, and he joins her, pressing up against her back and curling his body around her in a way that makes her feel so safe and protected. 

They must sleep for a while, because the next thing Rey is aware of is his erection poking into her backside. She looks over at the clock. 2am. She’s not exactly averse to the idea of middle of the night sex, and she still feels a yearning emptiness in her core where she has missed being filled by him earlier that evening. His breathing behind her is slow and steady, as if in sleep, so she wriggles back against him, grinding her ass against his cock and feeling herself grow wetter in anticipation. 

She feels him stir behind her, murmuring questioningly, and begins to gyrate back against him more firmly. Finally, she elicits a soft gasp, which puffs across her ear, and his hand comes up under her thigh, urging her legs apart as he murmurs her name sleepily. The hard length of him slides between the apex of her thighs, through her folds, becoming soaked in her slick and nudging up against her clit in a way that only increases the heat growing in her belly. He rocks against her like this for a while, until she moans in frustration, and she feels his hand come down behind her to line himself up with her entrance. He pushes into her, filling her deliciously, his fingers playing around the place where he stretches her body with his. 

He thrusts, slow and deep at first, and his hand comes snaking around her front, fingers brushing over her navel as he slides his hand down to rub at her clit while he fucks her. He feels so deep inside her like from this angle, and she fights with herself not to writhe helplessly on him, instead feeling herself tense up internally at the sensation of him filling her and hearing his sharp hiss when she does so. 

“I love you,” he breathes into her ear, as his pace becomes faster and more regular, and she feels his teeth graze the point where he neck meets her shoulder, before he bites down more firmly and she hears herself moan gutturally, overcome with the pleasure-pain flowing through her. His fingers work over her expertly, and she feels her thighs shake again, feels herself tighten around him, before she finally spills over the edge, convulsing around him. 

“I love you,” he murmurs, as she comes apart on him, and his thrusts grow sharper, faster, deeper, and her head spins with a haze of sensation.

“I love you,” he gasps as his hips stutter, and he finally fills her with his seed, his hand grasping convulsively at her waist. 

When they finally still, he holds onto her so tight that it feels like he will never let her go.

As they drift off into sleep, Rey finally believes, at last, that he never will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, the pain train is arriving at the station, and then we'll be going full steam ahead for a ride on it for a few chapters. All will be well in the end.
> 
> [Rey's dress.](https://flic.kr/p/2jPamSw)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)
> 
> All aboard the pain train. You can do this. I believe in you.

Rey's body wakes her automatically the following morning at 7am. It’s the usual time she would set her alarm for work, and at first she props herself up on her elbow groaning quietly, thinking she has to force herself out of the warm nest she and Ben have created under the covers. Quickly though, she’s hit by the absolutely fantastic realisation that she has not just today, but the rest of the week booked off, so there’s no need at all in the world to get out of bed right now. She flops back down onto the mattress, a big smile on her face at this fact, and turns to look at Ben. He snores softly next to her, dark brown hair falling over his face and into his eyes. Rey pushes it back, studying the lines of his face, trailing her eyes over his strong nose and full lips. He’s slumbering peacefully right now, and it gratifies her to see him sleeping peacefully for once. 

She remembers his offer the previous night, of staying at his place for the rest of the week. It warms her heart to think that he actually wants her around him that much. They haven’t spoken too much about what they are going to do with her week off, but Rey is hoping they will maybe have another day out where they walk the woodlands on the moor like they had done for their first date, that is if the weather allows. Perhaps a lazy day in watching movies would be good too, and maybe a trip into the town centre to her favourite secondhand bookshop, which Ben has also fallen in love with now she has introduced him to it. Maybe they should go into Maz’s she muses, she had certainly seemed concerned about him, perhaps that would put the elderly woman’s mind at rest. Maz’s unsettling words still linger on the edges of her mind, but she puts them aside for the time being, not allowing herself to dwell on them too deeply. Even if she and Ben do nothing, go nowhere, she would still be perfectly happy just spreading herself out on his comfy sofa with a book while he works on his second novel for the rest of the week. It’s the picture of easy domesticity, and Rey wriggles her toes in anticipation of the next few days together, before snuggling into his chest and drifting back off to sleep. 

She comes awake again around 9am, feeling thoroughly refreshed for the extra couple of hours of sleep. Ben has his hand tangled in her hair, cradling her head to his chest while his thumb swipes gently over her scalp, and she sighs in happiness. 

“Good morning beautiful,” he murmurs above her, and she pulls back a little to look at his gorgeous face. It never gets any less fascinating to her, only more so the longer she looks at it. He really is an extraordinary looking man.

“Guess what?” He asks. 

“What,” she responds automatically.

“I love you.” He kisses her forehead for good measure.

“I love you too, so much,” she tells him, and he hums in contentment. She can feel in her bones that this is going to be the most amazing week. 

*

He cooks them waffles for breakfast, and Rey adds a generous pour of syrup and a hefty squirt of whipped cream to hers. She’s just tucking into the pile of deliciousness that’s stacked up on her plate, Ben sitting opposite her and smiling indulgently, when there’s a hard knock at the door, making her jump. Her and Ben look at each other wide eyed.

“The intercom didn’t go off,” Rey says unsurely. 

“It’s likely to be someone at the wrong door,” replies Ben, putting down his knife and fork. “Either that, or one of the other residents has let whoever it is in on the way out. We aren’t supposed to do that, but it happens all the time. I’m not expecting anyone though, so they’ve probably got the wrong door, most likely.”

He stands, walking to the door, and unlocks it, and begins to open it slowly. Suddenly the door is pushed open forcefully, and Ben staggers back. A red headed man shoulders past her boyfriend before he can react, and Ben spins to face him. Rey’s adrenaline starts flowing at once, her heart fluttering with panic at the unexpected intrusion. She rises to her feet immediately, knife and fork clattering on her plate, her waffles forgotten. She watches as Ben looks at the intruder, notices the way his eyes grow wide with panic and his face goes white as if all the veins and capillaries in it are draining of blood. He is visibly shocked, open mouthed and apparently lost for words. The man looks around the apartment briefly, his face pale and pinched, his lips set in a thin line. Rey recognises him. The rude man from the Library yesterday, who had been looking for somewhere to charge his phone. The man who had been looking for a certain address. Apparently he has now found it. 

“Hey, you were in the library the other day-” She begins, but is interrupted before she can follow the thought to its conclusion. 

“Don’t speak to him,” Ben barks in a harsh and authoritative voice he has never once used towards her before. She snaps her mouth shut, unconsciously taking a step back, wounded by his tone. The redheaded man looks over at her, running his eyes up and down, raking over her body and a way that makes Rey feel cold inside. 

“What the fuck is this Hux?” Ben demands, and Rey can see a dangerous fire beginning to rise in his eyes, can see the way that his fists are bunched at his sides and his hands are shaking - whether from panic or barely suppressed anger, she doesn’t know. 

“Well, if you won’t answer your bloody phone,” the man replies in a clipped tone, looking over at Rey again. 

“Don’t look at her!” Ben orders him, taking a step towards the redhead threateningly. But the man just sneers at him, though he doesn’t dare to come any closer to her.

“So this is how you’ve been occupying your time since you left us. Her and-” he makes a dismissive gesture towards Ben's laptop which is on a side table. “Writing,” he says witheringly. “You always were too much of a dreamer, fuck knows why you were Snoke’s special little pet.”

Rey watches helplessly, eyes wide, as a situation she doesn’t understand the first thing about plays out in front of her. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she can feel a yawning maw of darkness in her belly, a profound sense of foreboding that things are just about to spiral out of control. She breathes through her nose deeply, trying to calm herself. She watches as Ben stalks across to the man. 

“What the fuck do you want Hux?” Ben says in a low, dangerous voice. 

The man - Hux - looks at his nails, as though he has all the time in the world. As though Ben isn’t now standing only a few inches away, his whole body tensed and coiled as if to strike. He sighs and fiddles with the buttons on the cuff of his coat maintaining a maddening facade of calm in the face of Ben's barely constrained fury. 

“Snoke wants you back,” the man says casually. “There’s a particular job he wants you on. Put me onto tracking you down after your pathetic disappearing act.”

“And you came all the way to England to tell me this,” Ben says grimly.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” the Hux responds, beginning to uncurl his scarf from his pale throat in the heat of the room. “I was in the country on business anyway. Once we found out where you were, Snoke just asked me to call in and pass on his...regards.” 

The word is heavy and loaded with implication and threat. Hux’s eyes drift across to Rey again, as though magnetised. “You work in the Library don’t you?” the man says, his voice dripping with disdain. She nods reluctantly.

“How do you know that?” Ben snaps in response. 

Hux points a finger at her. “I remember her from yesterday, with that big bunch of flowers dripping all over the desk.” He barks a sudden laugh. “Don’t tell me you bought those for her?” 

There is both disgust and mockery evident in his tone, and though Rey’s heart is still pounding with adrenaline, she finds that she is beginning to tire of this man and his mocking tone and cryptic words. She takes a few steps towards him, raising her eyebrows and giving him what she hopes is an utterly withering look. “And what if he did buy me the flowers?” She asks tonelessly. 

He cocks his head at her curiously, looking her up and down again, but doesn’t answer the question. “You’re a little scrap of a thing aren’t you? I wonder what he sees in you. Or is it just a one-nighter? It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Hux takes a step towards her, closing the distance between them. Though Rey still feels panicked, she fights with herself to hold her stance and let her arms hang relaxed at her sides. Hux takes another step. There’s a flash of movement, then Ben is standing directly in front of the man, just a few feet away from him, blocking Rey from Hux’s gaze. She can’t see Ben’s eyes, his back is to her now, tight black top stretched over cords of muscle, but she can hear the dark promise of violence in his voice when he speaks. 

“Don’t. Speak. To. Her.” Ben grits out. “Don’t even fucking look at her.”

“Does she know about your history, Ben?” the man says in a smooth easy tone, and Rey sees Ben’s back tense. 

Rey has had quite enough by this point of the both of them acting and speaking about her like she isn’t there, like she’s not is worthy of being privy to whatever the hell this is. Feeling the flame of ire rising in her chest, she marches around Ben, putting herself between the two men before things spill over into violence. 

“No-” Ben begins, his voice urgent, but she turns to him and pokes him hard in the chest.

“Don’t,” she tells him fiercely, giving him a quelling glare, and his mouth snaps shut at her tone. 

Hux laughs. “Keeps you on a short leash does she? Never thought I’d see the great Ben Solo brought to silence by a _girl_.” His voice drips with disdain as he says the word ‘girl’, somehow turning it into a profound insult. 

Rey snaps, spinning to face Hux.

“‘ _She_ is called Rey, and _she_ is right here in front of you and can hear every word you’re saying,” she spits at the man, furious. Ben is grabbing her arm, trying to pull her back behind him, but she shakes her arm loose angrily. 

“I don’t know who the hell you think you are,” she continues, raising her voice. The man’s eyebrows raise, as though stunned that she is speaking to him in such a tone. “No, I am not a one night stand, I am Ben’s _girlfriend_. Yes, I know he was in the marines, I assume you were too, and if you think this is any way to represent the armed forces then-”

“I’m not a fucking marine, you stupid little girl, I work for Snoke,” Huz responds, staring at her coldly. 

“Who the hell is Snoke?” Rey demands.

Hux flicks his eyes up to look past her at Ben. “I guess I can see why you like her. She’s a right little spitfire.” He looks back to Rey, icy blue eyes piercing her. “Snoke is Ben’s boss,” he tells her. 

“Former boss,” Ben snarls behind her. 

Hux just shrugs. “Whatever. The bottom line is that he wants you to come home. He wants you back in the fold, Ben.”

“No,” Ben says emphatically. “I am done with the First Order.”

Hux looks at Rey speculatively, before flicking his eyes back up to Ben. “Because of her?”

“No. Because I want no part of it anymore…” Ben trails off for a moment, before, “That’s not who I am any more.”

Hux laughs without humour, the sound of his voice harsh and grating in the still air of the room.

“But that _is_ who you are, Solo, you can’t just erase the past,” he insists.

She turns to look at Ben. He’s shaking his head in denial, and she can see fear, denial, confusion, rage flickering its way through his eyes. 

“And I don’t believe for a second that part of the reason you don’t want to come back isn’t because of her,” Hux continues behind her. “I’m guessing she’s the only thing holding you in a crappy no-name town like this. There’s no other reason you’d be lingering in this shitty place.” 

She turns back to Hux, now absolutely bouncing mad, ready to defend her beloved Northern town from his derisive words. “Actually-” she begins, raising her finger at him to give him a mouthful, but his harsh voice cuts across her. 

“Do you know who you’re involved with? Do you know what he was, what he did?” he demands, looking at the finger she still has raised towards him and raising one eyebrow as if in surprise. 

“I don’t care what he did,” she responds fiercely. 

“Well, no matter if I tell you then.”

Ben makes an urgent noise behind her, and Hux’s lip curls up in what couldn’t quite be called a smirk. 

“We’re mercenaries you stupid girl. We work for the First Order as private military contractors, though the section we worked...well let’s say it wasn’t exactly above board.”

“And?” Rey demands, placing her hands on her hips and giving him her most challenging glare. 

“And what if I told you your precious boyfriend here was working alongside me as security for a drug cartel? What if I told you Ben Solo here was Snoke’s very own attack dog?” He tells her, looking down his nose at her. His gaze flickers past her to Ben, who remains deathly silent. “Ask him how many people he’s tortured for Snoke. And while you’re at it, ask him how many people he’s killed.”

Rey feels like the bottom is falling out of her world. Her Ben? Her soft, sweet, gentle and tender Ben, torturing and murdering people? In that moment, she can’t parse the words in her head. Can’t make the image of the man she knows fit with this person that Hux is describing. The man who holds her so tenderly as he makes love to her, the man who is so so careful and respectful of her feelings, the man with the wide smile and the ruffled hair who has completely changed her life. There’s a profound disconnect between what he is saying, and the Ben that she knows. 

Yet, somehow at the same time, a heavy sense of certainty makes its way through her body, and she finds that at the core she is not surprised. Somewhere within her, she knew it must be something like this. Somewhere inside her, nestled right at the centre of her feelings for him, was the knowledge that he had once been a person she would barely recognise, who had done things that she would find shocking. The signs were all there; the look of violence in his eyes when the drunk pushed her at the library and the easy way he manhandled the man, the ridiculous amounts of money, the harrowing nightmares, the mystery of why his relationship with Leia was so strained, the reason his mother never spoke of him after he had left the marines, his references to being in an extremely bad place for those lost years. Everything she knows of him has telegraphed his past being something like this. He had tried to warn her after all, had virtually offered to tell her on their first date, and she had told him she didn’t care and that he didn’t need to share the details of his dark past with her. 

Ever since the beginning she knew it would be something such as this. And yet she fell in love with him anyway. And she knows that even in the wake of this revelation, she will continue to love him. For the man he is now; for the fact that he tore himself free of that life and chose to leave it all behind and remake himself anew; for the gentle, creative, passionate soul that she knows he is.

She turns to look at Ben. He has a desperate look in his eyes. She searches for words, but finds that she doesn’t know what she is supposed to say. She has no frame of reference for this, no prior experience to fall back on. It doesn’t seem quite right to say, _It’s ok that you tortured and murdered people, it doesn’t matter_. Because it _does_ matter. It matters profoundly. Yet, it matters more that he has extracted himself from that life, that he has started his life afresh. It matters more who he is right now, and who he is every day going forwards. All of this whirls through her head, but she can’t get the right words out. So she just watches as an internal war rages its way across his eyes and his expression as he looks at her.

“Well,” Hux interrupts her thoughts, before looking at his watch. “On that pleasant note, I need to be off. I have a plane to catch. Can I tell Snoke you will be joining us presently?” He asks Ben. 

“I - I...no.” Ben stutters, his voice pained. 

Hux tsks to himself as he winds his scarf back around his throat. “Snoke won’t be at all happy to hear that,” he says, before turning his icy glare on Rey again. “And I’m sure he would be _most_ interested to hear of your little...distraction that’s keeping you here. Rey, wasn’t it?” He asks her. She just looks at him stony faced.

Hux looks at Ben meaningfully, his gaze laden with unspoken words. Ben makes an urgent noise in his throat and takes a step threateningly towards Hux, but the man just laughs coldly, seemingly unconcerned. “We’ll give you a little time to settle your affairs, of course. But Snoke expects you back inside of four weeks, which I think is quite reasonable, given that you up and left us in the shit.”

Hux buttons up the top of his coat, and nods to Ben, before turning to Rey. “It was a pleasure,” he says sarcastically, before turning on his heel and exiting, slamming the door so hard that the frame shakes.

Then they are both left there, in a room filled with the tension and the heavy weight of all the words that have been spoken between Hux’s arrival and departure. Ben is still staring at the door, as though if he looks at it hard enough and for long enough, he can somehow summon Hux back in reverse and unwind the whole conversation that has taken place, until they’re sitting there at the table again eating their breakfast waffles. She turns to him, reaching out to touch his arm.

“Ben, I-”

He holds a hand up to silence her and steps away before she can touch him, leaving her hand just hanging there in the air. He walks over heavily to the couch and sits down, fisting his hands through his hair and looking anywhere but at her. She lets the silence stretch, watches as he wrestles his way through some sort of internal battle she can only begin to guess at.

“Ben,” she begins softly. “It’s ok.”

He looks at her incredulously, as though she has just spoken in some entirely other language, before shaking his head in denial. 

“No,” he says, his voice devoid of all life. “No it’s not. Nothing is ok.”

“But I don’t care. I-”

He interrupts her. “Please don’t Rey. Please just stop.”

She wants to continue, to explain that she still wants to be with him, that they can work their way through this, that he never needs to return to the life he once had, no matter what he thinks. But she forces herself to clamp her mouth shut, giving him time to think, to breathe. She goes to the sofa, leaving some distance between them to give him the space he needs, and watches the expressions flit over his face. His jaw works furiously, as though chewing over some awful thing he is about to say, and Rey is suddenly struck with a sense of cold dread. 

Finally, he starts speaking. His voice is quiet, yet strained and rough, as though he is on the verge of tears, and he is wringing his hands in his lap.

“I should never have got involved with you, it wasn’t fair to you,” he says ruefully.

“What? Ben, no!” She moves towards him on the sofa but he puts up his hands as if to hold her off, as if he’s going to push her away. The gesture stings, making her heart drop even further into her stomach and the cold feeling of dread intensify.

“I’ve put you in _danger_ Rey,” he continues. “If I don’t return of my own accord, they’ll try to use you as leverage to get me to go back to them, to do their dirty work again. You can be sure that, if I'm not back there inside a month, Hux will fill Snoke in on our relationship. And I can’t countenance that. He cannot know of you.” His eyes soften as his gaze meets hers. “Not you. Never you,” he tells her. He hangs his head into his hands again and barks out a bitter sounding laugh. “I should have known I wouldn’t be able to have a normal life again. Plus, now you know what kind of creature I was…” he trails off, leaving the rest unspoken.

“It doesn’t matter, Ben,” she insists, her eyes filling with tears. “I still love you.”

“It does Rey,” he cuts back at her savagely, his voice harsh. “It matters more than anything. Somebody as sweet and pure as you....I don’t deserve you….you shouldn’t even be with a monster like me.”

“You’re not-” she begins. 

“-I was. I am,” he interrupts. His voice is dark, laced through with self hatred. He looks up at her, his eyes running over her face and her body greedily, as if he is memorising her, and then she begins to feel truly truly afraid. Because why would he need to memorise her face and body? His hand comes up, as if to cup her cheek, but he stops himself, shaking his head as though he doesn’t deserve to touch her. Rey longs to take his hand, to press it to her cheek, to reassure the both of them that all will be well in the end, even though the dread curling coldly in her guts is telling her otherwise. 

He takes a deep breath then, as though steeling himself, and his gaze wavers off to the side, so that doesn't quite meet her eyes, his intense eyes instead veering off somewhere behind her head. 

“You need to leave.” He tells her grimly. 

She jumps to her feet. “What? No!” She tells him.

He stands and steps up to her, grabs her hands in his, holding on tight, as though she is his anchor, as though he never wants to let go. She looks for a moment at her hands enfolded in his huge ones. When she looks back up, his gaze hovers somewhere to the left of her head again, as though he can’t bear to look at her. 

“I can’t see you anymore.” His voice cracks even as he speaks, and she can see his distant eyes filling with tears that threaten to spill over and track down his cheeks. 

The bottom seems to drop out of Rey’s world. She’s been abandoned before. Not again. No, no, no, no. Her body and mind suddenly feels as though she is in freefall from a great height. She can feel this world the two of them have built together beginning to crumble. Two lost and lonely souls, damaged by their life experiences, who found wholeness and completion in each other, who had helped each patch the other up and learn to trust and to love again...she feels it all beginning to slip away from her. She shakes her head repeatedly in denial. She wants to put her fingers in her ears and block all of this out. She wants to rewind the last fifteen minutes, to tell Ben to never answer that door. She can feel everything careening out of her control, can feel the precarious peace and companionship she has built with Ben becoming part of her past, part of her history. She looks at him, shaking her head over and over, wiping away the tears that are now running freely over her face with her sleeve. 

“Yes,” he insists, even though she hasn’t spoken out loud. He looks at her directly again, levelling her with an intense gaze that speaks of profound grief. Before saying again, more softly as she continues to shake her head, “Yes.” She can see the tears spilling over from his expressive eyes now, watches as they leave shining trails along his cheeks.

He lets go of her hands then, and her palms fly to her chest, pressing against the profound hollow pain she can feel growing there. Her throat aches, and a sob tears free of her involuntarily, swiftly followed by another, then another. He winces a little at each sob, pain seeming to flicker in his iris. But his voice is firm, and there is a sense of finality when he speaks to her. 

“I cannot allow them to use you to get to me,” he tells her seriously, his voice wavering. “I’m sorry, Rey,” his voice cracks, and he slowly turns his back to her, his breath shuddering through him. “It’s over,” he tells her in a broken voice. “You need to leave.”

She watches for a moment as silent sobs rack their way through his body, mirroring her own louder ones. Her hands press into her chest as her entire world flies apart.

And then she turns and flees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel guilty, but it was always part of the plan since the beginning. Please forgive me!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter count has been revised upwards again, as i'm writing a few chapters ahead of posting and it's clear to me now that it's not going to be done in 18 chapters. 
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Rey doesn’t know how she makes it home after leaving Ben’s place. She can barely remember the journey, it’s just a confused smear across her memory. All she knows is that her vision swum as she negotiated her way blindly over the road to the bus stop, and that a car beeped at her as she staggered across the tarmac. She can recall a soft spoken elderly Scottish man on the bus, remembers focusing on his flat cap as he leaned towards her and asked if she was okay, before handing her his handkerchief. She remembers looking blankly at the “A” embroidered on the corner of it as tears raced their way down her face. She still grips the handkerchief in her right hand, creased and soggy, and dimly feels guilty for forgetting to give it back to him. She unlocks her front door with trembling hands and stumbles over the threshold. 

She’s brought up short by the unfamiliar sight of a huge bunch of flowers in a vase on her coffee table. The flowers that Ben had bought her only yesterday. It seems like an age ago now, like another world and another time since she received them, even though it was less than 24 hours ago. She feels like she has aged decades since then. Rey deliberately averts her eyes from the sight and wanders over the heater, numbly flicking it on. It’s cold in her flat, much too cold, and her body is trembling uncontrollably - even though she’s not entirely sure that’s just because of the temperature.

As she moves around her home, there is some sort of weird but blessed numbness that gradually overcomes her body and mind, giving her the sensation of being buffered from what has just happened to her. She feels dissociated, a million miles away inside her own head, and she watches herself as though from a great distance as she potters over to her bedroom and strips her clothes off. She reaches into the drawer for her pyjamas, coming up with the Game of Thrones ones Ben had given her on Christmas eve. His rich voice that night echoes in her ears, _I worry about you in that cold bed of yours when I’m not there, and I know these will keep you warm._ Her chest hurts, and painful emotion tries to break the surface of her consciousness amidst the numbness. She swallows it down determindley though, kicking the Game of Thrones pyjamas under the bed and pulling out a different pair. She grabs pillows from her bed, as well as extra blankets, and shuffles back into her main room, placing them on the sofa.

Her stomach rumbles as she makes herself a nest, and she dimly recognises that she is hungry. Of course she is. She had never eaten her waffles. Ben had cooked them, and then she had put syrup and squirty cream on them, and then the door had knocked, and then...She swallows down another well of emotion. Stupid waffles. The idea of making herself something to eat is too much to even comprehend right now. The kitchenette seems miles away. Plus she’s not exactly a stranger to a rumbling stomach, so she dismisses her hunger. She’s about to wrap herself up on the sofa, but the damn bunch of flowers is there right in front of her, blocking her view of the TV, looking all colourful and cheerful and reminding her of things she’d rather not think about. Next to them on the table lies the small card which came with them. Not written in Ben’s hand, but in the hand of some nameless florist she will never meet. Still, they are Ben’s words, so she can’t bear to reread them. The yawning chasm of pain threatens to open in her chest again, and she jumps up, picking up both the vase of flowers and the card, moving them to the window sill out of her line of sight. 

She bundles herself up on the sofa, cocooning herself in blankets, and flicks on the TV. She finds some crappy reality show to watch, something mind numbing, and lets the images blur before her eyes. She is aware of the huge riptide of emotion which is tugging at her from underneath, saltwaters threatening to swallow her under and consume her, and it terrifies her. She is aware, too, of a profound pain in her chest, an aching longing feeling. But somehow, she floats there above it all, numb and utterly unfeeling. Distantly, she recognises that her body and mind are trying to protect themselves from the unthinkable thing which has happened to her. Distantly, she knows that eventually this riptide will grasp her, will pull her under, that her eyes and her nose will fill with saltwater, that there will be no shore to stand on, just jagged reefs which will tear at the core of her soul. But for now, she drifts, lost in a haze of numbness and reality TV. 

When the front door knocks, she jerks as though a current of electricity has been passed through her whole body. Her mind and emotions come into focus momentarily as her heart leaps, and for a mad moment she thinks it is Ben, come back to her. However there is another knock, and then Rose’s worried sounding voice drifts through the door. 

“Rey? Rey? I know you’re in there, I can hear the TV,” her friend calls. Rey stares at the door, her heart pounding. If Rose is here it will be impossible to conceal that something is terribly terribly wrong with her, and if she can’t conceal it that means she will have to speak to Rose about it, and if she speaks the words to anyone else, _Ben left me,_ then that puts it out there into the world, that means it’s _real_. And she’s not ready. She’s not ready. 

There’s a tentative tapping at the door again. “Rey?” Her friend calls, and this time Rey is aware enough to hear the worry evident in her tone. “Can you let me in?”

She stands, unwinding the blankets from around her, and takes a reluctant step towards the door. She forces herself to speak, but her words come out slightly strangled. “I’m kind of busy right now Rose,” she tells her friend. 

She thinks she hears Rose sigh heavily beyond the door. “Rey,” her friend’s voice is gentle and cautious. “Ben phoned me. He told me what had happened. He wanted me to know so that I could make sure you’re ok.”

Rey steps up to the door, her hand on the latch, laying her cheek against the wood. “Ben called you,” she murmurs. 

“Yes,” Rose responds immediately. “He was worried, and so am I. Look, I know you feel like you don’t want to see anyone, and frankly I don't blame you. But I’m here and I have ice cream, chocolate, sugary snacks and tissues. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do _anything_ , I’ll sit in the corner and be as quiet as you like. Just... please...let me be here in case you need me.”

Rey’s fingers move on the latch, and it clicks open. She steps back and allows the door to swing wide. Her small dark haired friend stands before her, sympathy etched evidently into every line of her face. Rey doesn’t know what her friend sees in her face, but she knows that Rose's eyes widen and it’s as if she can see her own hurt mirrored there in Rose’s face, as her friend’s eyes crease in concern. 

Rose sweeps in, her hands full of different bags, and she stands just looking at Rey for a moment. “Sit down, Rey,” she says softly, nodding her head at the sofa. Rey complies and sits down heavily. Her friend moves to the kitchenette, and she hears the noise of the kettle being flicked on and the distant rumble as it begins to work itself up to boiling point. The noises of crinkling paper and bags come from Rose’s direction, and soon she hears the noise of a kettle being poured and the clink of a teaspoon on a mug. Rose reappears eventually, with a large plate filled with chocolate chip cookies and Tunnocks teacakes which she places on the table in front of Rey, before pressing a hot cup of tea into her hands. 

“Drink,” she urges Rey, handing her a cup of tea, that most British of remedies, used in every single circumstance you can think of, but most especially helpful and calming in times of distress. Rey complies, sipping gingerly at its sweet milkiness. Her friend disappears to the kitchen again, returning with her own cuppa and two paper bags, from which she produces two bacon barms. “Breakfast,” Rose announces. 

Rey nods, numbly, before picking up the barm and taking a reluctant bite from it. Normally she loves bacon, and would gobble a treat like this down, but right now it just reminds her of being awoken on Christmas morning by the smell of the bacon sandwiches Ben was making for them. _I knew it’d wake you up. It’s like an olfactory alarm clock,_ his voice echoes in her head.

She chews, but her mouth is dry and everything tastes like sawdust. She forces herself to swallow, and aided by the sweet tea manages to get about three mouthfuls down before she actually begins to feel sick. Rose is watching her carefully, munching on her own bacon barm and sipping her own tea. Rey sits there rubbing her nauseous stomach and vaguely watching the TV while Rose finishes eating. 

She’s interrupted by a tap on her shoulder, and turns to find Rose looking at her seriously. “I’ve taken the rest of the day off,” her friend announces. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Whether you want to talk about it, or scream and cry about it, whether you want to eat a litre of ice-cream or just watch crap TV all day, or whether you just want to sit here in silence.” Rose puts her hand on her arm. “I’m here.”

With those simple words, with the affirmation that her friend is here for, that she is not going anywhere at least for now, every emotion she had been desperately hiding from suddenly comes flooding into Rey’s body, and the numbness subsides. The recent memories of him cut her insides like glass; Ben telling her she needed to leave; Ben saying it was over and he couldn't see her anymore. Panic seems to flood her whole body and a profound grief drags blackly at her. She wants to get down on her hands and knees to scream and howl, but she doesn’t want to scare Rose. She swallows down on the sadness rising in her throat again and again, pushing desperately against the despair inside her, but it just rises up to strangle her. Before she knows it, she is sobbing in Rose’s arms. 

As she cries, great heaving sobs that grow from the endless ache deep in her chest, her mind flicks back over memories of her and Ben together. Walking in the woodland, him reading poetry to her, him sitting writing and brushing his hair back, his lopsided roguish smile, the taste of coffee on his lips, the feel of him moving inside her, his eyes soft as he tells her he loves her. 

Each of these memories is followed by the stabbing realisation that she will never have any of that again, that Ben is now a part of her history. One of the few good parts, yes...up until the moment he left her that is. All she has left of him now are those memories. It just makes her cry even harder. Rose strokes her back soothingly as she sobs, murmuring nonsense that Rey doesn’t really take in, but the tone of her friend’s voice is reassuring. She doesn't know how long she cries, but the shoulder of Rose's cardigan is thoroughly soaked and Rey’s eyes are stinging by the time she has cried herself out. 

Rose passes her a tissue and she blows her nose, before heading to the bathroom to take stock of what a mess she is. She leans over the sink and splashes cold water on her face to soothe her burning eyes. She looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen, her eyelids especially so, and she pats at them with some wet toilet roll to try and bring the swelling down. Her cheeks are blotchy and her nose red. Maybe it’s because she already knows what has happened, but she imagines if she were a stranger and were to see herself walking down the street, she would be able to recognise the bereft feeling in her hollow gaze and the forlorn way she seems to be carrying herself. 

_Come on, Rey_ , she says to herself. _You knew all along this might happen. This is what always happens. You’ve got through worse than this before. You can do this._

But can she? Sure, she’s been through some incredibly tough stuff in her life. Her parents abandoned her, and she went for many years feeling both alone and unloved. But she hasn’t actually ever been desperately in love with somebody and had them abandon her. She has no frame of reference for this, no template to work from. How is she supposed to navigate this unfamiliar emotional landscape? Having known Ben’s love, how is she ever supposed to get used to living life without it? Tears well in her eyes again, and she blinks them back, determined not to get caught in a cycle of crying again. 

There’s a timid knock at the bathroom door, and then Rose’s voice. “Are you alright in there?”

_No I’m not,_ Rey thinks, _I feel like I’m never going to be alright again._ But she doesn’t say that, instead she just goes and opens the bathroom door and lets her friend lead her back to the sofa and tuck her under a blanket. Rose goes to make another cup of tea for her, and when she returns Rey sips gratefully at the hot drink, letting it warm a body which is still trembling. 

Rose sits quietly, just waiting to see what she needs, and Rey suddenly remembers what her friend had said when she was at the front door. Her heart does a lurch.

“You spoke to Ben?” she asks eagerly. 

“Yes, he called me. He was worried about you, and I'm really glad he called.”

“How was he? What did he say?” Rey asks, knowing that hearing about Ben will only make her hurt more, unable to stop wanting it nonetheless. 

Rose sighs heavily. “He was...upset. I think he was crying. He told me that he urgently needed to return to live in the States, and that he ended things with you because it was best.” Rose frowns. “The bloody idiot, you’d think he’d never heard of a long distance relationship.”

Rose looks over at her and Rey just hums noncommittally. 

“I told him that, that you guys could make it work even with the distance. Gods, if anyone in the world could make it work it would be you two. But he wouldn’t listen, he just kept saying it was for the best that you be apart.” Rose kicks the leg of the coffee table. “You’d better believe that I gave him a piece of my mind for not even making the effort to make it work.”

So he hadn’t lied to Rose, but he just hadn’t told her the whole truth. “Did he say anything about me?” Rey asks tentatively, barely daring to hope. 

Rose looks at her sympathetically. “Just that he was really worried about you, that he wanted me to come over and make sure you were ok, that you deserved better than him.”

Rey nods aimlessly. 

“What I don’t understand,” continues Rose, “Is why he wouldn’t even _try_ to make it work long distance. I mean, yesterday he sent you those flowers, he took you out for dinner. Anyone can see the guy is ridiculously in love with you. What changed in 24 hours? Did you guys argue?”

Rey shakes her head, tears welling up again, Rose hands her a tissue and she dabs at the corner of her eyes. “We’ve never argued,” she says softly, hearing and despising the slight tremor in her voice. “Someone from Ben’s past turned up on his doorstep.”

Rose’s eyebrows go up. “An ex? I’ll bloody kill him-”

“-No, no,” interrupts Rey. “Somebody he used to work with. They wanted him to go back and work for them.”

Rose looks scandalised, her brow furrowing and her eyes growing angry. “A job? He left you for a job?” She says, incredulity in her voice.

“It’s not like that,” Rey insists. “These people he worked for they...they aren’t good people. They’re dangerous. They basically threatened me if he didn’t go back.” Her voice breaks. “He was trying to protect me. I don’t think he sees any other way.”

“Well, that can’t be legal. Why didn’t he go to the police? You can’t just go around threatening people like that.”

Rey shrugs. “It’s complicated. These people are based in the States, and ….well Ben has been involved in some stuff that isn’t exactly legal.”

Rose whistles lowly. “That boy is full of surprises today,” she comments. 

“He told me that it was over and that he couldn’t see me any more,” Rey says brokenly. “He goes back sometime in the next 4 weeks. I’m never going to see him again.” The tears start to come again, unstoppable, and Rose hooks her arm around her shoulders, pulling her into her side. 

For the rest of that day, Rey cycles between bouts of crying, spells of flicking through beloved yet incredibly painful memories of her and Ben and everything they have done together, bouts of maudlin stillness, and the feeling of being covered by a heavy haze of something she can’t describe. 

Rose flicks through the TV channels, plays music, lights incense, offers her ice cream. Most of all though, her friend sits there, just _being there_. And though Rey can’t quite get the words out, she is unspeakably grateful to Rose for being there with her so she doesn’t have to go through this hell alone. She knows, though, that Rose is due back in work tomorrow. That she can’t rely exclusively on her friend’s company to get her through this. She knows that tomorrow she will be alone, by herself with a long expanse of time to fill with nothing but longing and memories. It’s time when she should have been staying with Ben, but which has now turned into empty hours which she needs to somehow fill to distract herself from the ache in her chest. She has always struggled with long hours alone, and now, though she knows she can rely on Rose, the loss of Ben has left her feeling more profoundly alone than ever. 

As the light begins to face from the sky outside, the bright coin of the sun sitting low over the horizon, Rose tells her she has brought her pyjamas and will be staying the night, that she will go to work straight from Rey’s the next day, and Rey feels comforted by the thought of not having to spend the night alone.

After they have retired for the night though, and Rose’s breathing beside her has evened out, Rey tosses and turns, chasing sleep but unable to find it even though she feels exhausted right down to her bones. After an indeterminate amount of time, she gets out of bed, throwing on her thick dressing gown and pads through to the main living area. The main lights seem too bright for her, so she lights a few candles instead, letting them bathe her in their soft glow. She sits looking at her phone, torturing herself by scrolling through her and Ben's message thread, letting the “I love you”s and “sweetheart”s wash over her. She scrolls to the bottom and her fingers itch to type out a message to him. To ask how he’s doing. To tell him that she misses him, that she wants him. To tell him that it doesn’t have to be like this. That they will somehow find a way through all this darkness. That their love is strong enough for them to get through anything. But she doesn’t. Because she knows he has made his choice, knows that he believes he is doing the right thing, knows that he intends to return back across the Atlantic. Knows that he will eventually be nothing but a memory to her. A sweet one, yes, but one which is also tinged with the edges of searing pain. 

She sits on the sofa, wrapped in her fluffy dressing gown, watching the candles as though she is sitting vigil for the death of her and Ben’s relationship. 

She’s still there when Rose wakes in the morning, and the candles have burned down to almost nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me. If it's any consolation, it hurt almost as much to write it as it did to read it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)
> 
> I'm busy next saturday and won't be able to post the next chapter then, so it'll be posted on the sunday evening instead. So only a day extra to wait ;)

There are four days to kill before she has to go back to work. Thursday to Sunday, a stretch of seemingly endless time, filled only with empty hours, marked only by the absence of Ben's sweet texts or comforting presence. At first she regrets having booked those days off and bemoans not having the distraction of work to see her through. But then she considers what it would be like trying to hold herself together while she helps some poor patron on the computer, or trying not to go to pieces while she helps a student search for the academic texts they need, and she thinks better of it. 

She uses up some of the first day, by sleeping on the sofa after Rose has left for work, catching up on all the sleep she lost the previous night. Miraculously, she somehow manages 6 solid hours, and has to admit that she does feel marginally better for it. There is one awful moment though, that completely crushes her. On awakening at around 2pm, for a few glorious seconds she is blissfully unaware of the staggering loss that she’s currently going through. For just a moment, she is blessedly free and totally oblivious to what has happened. But then she remembers. And when she does, the pain comes rushing in, and she doubles over on the sofa, curling herself into the foetal position as she cries. 

Rey allows herself the rest of that day to mope and grieve, cycling again through bouts of crying and staring unseeing at the TV. She forces herself to eat, even though the food sticks in her throat, sits uneasily in her belly, and even though the sound of the microwave makes her think about Ben teasing her about her eating habits. She watches reality TV and tries her best to make herself concentrate on it, forcing herself to laugh hollowly sometimes. She answers Rose’s frequent worried messages, and refuses to let her friend cancel her date with Kaydel that evening to come and sit with her. She gives herself this gift of one day. One day where she doesn’t have to force herself to shower, or go out, or do anything meaningful at all. She knows she’s going to be fighting a battle for the next few weeks against her own desire to just stay in bed curled up in the foetal position every day, so she allows herself this time to just do nothing. 

As with the previous evening, sleep doesn’t come easily that night. She spends hours tossing and turning, tortured by memories of the last time she and Ben had been in this bed together. She agonises over him going back to the First Order, back to a life he hates, a life so far removed from the things that he loves. She wonders whether it will break him, whether it will leach the light out of his eyes, and the stories out of his head, whether a smile will ever grace his face again. She wonders just how lost he will become. She lies on her side in the dark, her phone in her hands casting a ghostly blue glow over her face, as she fights with herself not to message him. In the small hours, she finally sleeps fitfully, a sleep which is filled with nightmares of abandonment and loss, where she is left alone on the side of a road or at the bottom of a pit as the object of her affection moves relentlessly away from her. When she wakes on Friday morning, her body and mind tell her to just stay there, forever, wrapped in the warm cocoon of her duvet, protected from the world outside, and she struggles to fight that urge. 

She is hugely tempted to just write off the next 3 days and spend them lying on the sofa, not bothering to wash or to dress, making like a zombie in front of the TV and wallowing in the sense of despair that hits heavy right at the center of her stomach. But she knows, deep inside, that this is not a good idea, and that this is probably the worst thing she could do. Plus, in all her time on this earth she has never been one to wallow, even with everything she has been through. Even when she was out on the streets in the very worst of situations, she was pragmatic, always looking for the next chance she could take to improve her circumstances, the next practical thing she could do to make things better. And so she takes her experience and she applies it here.

She forces herself out of her bed and strips off, heading for the bathroom and shivering in the cold air. There is a moment of crisis when she goes to take off the amber pendant which Ben bought her and which she always wears. _Ancient sunlight for my Rey of sunshine_ , his voice echoes in her ears, nothing but a ghost of memory now. She puts it down quickly onto the side of the sink as though it might burn her fingers. The shower is hot and the sensation of the water pattering against her skin is blissfully distracting from her thoughts. She scrubs herself down thoroughly, leaving her skin pink and stinging, as though she can somehow wash away the events of the last couple of days. The temperature in her flat makes her shiver once she leaves the steam filled bathroom, her skin goose pimpling in the chill of her bedroom, and there’s a flash of memory of the delicious warmth of Ben’s apartment. She tears her mind away from it, drying first her body and then her hair. When she returns to the bathroom to brush her teeth after dressing, the sight of the rich orangey amber of the stone in her pendant and the silver chain looping over itself on the side of the sink make the ache in her chest throb. She cannot decide which would be worse, wearing it or not wearing it. Both options hurt. In the end, she puts it back on, tucking it beneath her sweater and t-shirt. The cold of the metal seems to burn her skin, branding a mark into her.

She looks to the window to check on the weather as she goes into the main room. Her awareness snags on the vase of flowers sitting on the windowsill, and she averts her eyes from them as she passes. It’s a bright day outside, rays of sun shafting through the glass and falling on one of her multicoloured rugs. A good day for walking, although her feet are heavy and every step is a new exercise in determination, taking every inch of her willpower to move forwards. She knows though, that the best thing she can do right now is to get out of the house into the sunlight, to get her blood flowing and her heart pumping. She puts her Doc Martens on, lacing them up tight and grabs her backpack, puts on her headphones, and heads out to walk the few miles into town. 

*

Rey had hoped that with every stomp on her boots on the pavement, if she concentrated hard enough, she would somehow leave her pain further and further behind her, like a dark cloud hovering over her little flat. Predictably though, and as she knew deep down it would, it lingers around and within her heavily as she walks. The bright winter sunlight cannot scorch it away. Even though she ups her pace, making her heart beat more strongly and the blood begin to pump quicker through her veins, it still lingers like a death shroud around her. Even the cheerful music she plays through her headphones cannot drown it out, instead the music grates on her nerves, until finally she stops it in frustration and takes the headphones off , instead letting the noise of the passing traffic fill her ears. Each time her boots hit the pavement she feels like the threads holding her together are as insubstantial as smoke, as though one puff of air and she would fall to pieces on the cold pavement. Yet at the same time her legs also feel unspeakably heavy, as though she is carrying an immense weight at her very heart. It’s unnerving. 

As she nears the town centre, still waiting for the endorphins from the brisk walk to kick in, knowing that they won’t, her stomach rumbles, reminding herself that she has entirely neglected to feed herself this morning. It’s a mark of how much the situation has affected her that her heart doesn’t leap with joy at the prospect of getting a tasty early lunch somewhere. She bemoans her loss of interest in food, frustrated that the way she feels has taken even that from her, hoping that her appetite will come back soon. She thinks about heading to Maz’s, before wavering at the memory of Kylo buying her coffee there the second time they had ever spoken. _Sweet tooth?_ , he had asked her, his eyes amused as she added sugar to her already sweet gingerbread latte. If she lives like that though, allowing memory to be a curse everywhere she goes in this town, then she will never be able to revisit any of her favourite places. Plus, she wants to see if Maz has any further words of wisdom for her.

_Sometimes we need to come through the deepest of darkness to really see the light. Never lose hope, child, whatever happens, always keep moving forwards. And remember that love is the strongest force in the universe._

That was what the small bespectacled woman had said. But what did it mean? Ben was simply getting dragged back into his darkness, not working his way through it, and love might well be the strongest force in the world, but it hadn’t been enough to keep the two of them together, in fact all it had done was taken him away from her. Unless, that is, Ben hadn’t ever truly loved her. She turns that thought over in her mind for a few moments as she approaches the coffee shop, lets it sting at her insides, before she decides that, no, Ben certainly had loved her. If she was sure of anything, she was sure of that. It just hadn’t been enough to stay with her and fight through whatever darkness would have come from his denying Snoke; it hadn’t been enough to quell the fear that his dark past might come back to haunt her, to hurt her. Or maybe it had been too much, so much that he would rather sacrifice their love in order to keep her safe.

The bell over the door jingles brightly as Rey enters Maz’s coffee shop. It’s quietish at this time, the early morning breakfast rush is well over, but the workers in the town centre are not yet out on their lunchbreaks. Maz stands leaning on the counter doing a crossword. She looks up at Rey as she walks in, runs her eyes over Rey’s face once, her eyes widening, then immediately shouts for one of the staff from the kitchen to come and mind the shop front. She lifts the countertop and beckons Rey through. Rey just looks around for a moment, confused, until Maz tuts and grabs her arm, pulling her behind the counter. 

She raises her eyebrows at Rey. “Mozarella and tomato panini? And a latte?” she asks, and Rey just nods in response, looking out at the new perspective of the coffee shop from behind this side of the counter. Maz looks at the girl who has just come out to cover for her, and the girl nods, jotting down the order. “Bring it through to my office,” Maz tells her. “Oh, and one of those brownies too.” She looks to Rey, “I haven’t found a pain in the world that chocolate doesn't ease just the slightest bit.” 

Then she is tugging on Rey’s arm and leading her down a corridor and away from the noises of the cafe and the kitchen, to a wooden door. The small woman opens the door, and Rey enters the room, looking around curiously. Apparently, this is Maz’s office, but it looks more like an aladdin's cave. Knick knacks of diverse age and background litter the shelves around the room and Rey sweeps her gaze around, taking it all in with interest. It seems Maz is somewhat of an antique collector, and Rey itches to get her hands on the items and look them over. A large potted plant stands in one corner, flat waxy leaves spreading out greenly. A haphazard jumble of books are heaped on the shelves behind the antiques. A large chunky wooden desk sits in front of a window with a chair both behind and in front of it. Maz gestures to the chair in front of the desk, urging Rey to sit, and then, rather than sitting across the desk from Rey, drags her chair around so that they sit facing each other with no barriers between them. The woman leans forward and takes her hands in her old weathered ones.

“Ah, child,” she sighs. “I can see the pain written across your eyes as plain as day.”

Rey just shrugs, not knowing how ro respond. Her bottom lip quivers slightly, and she can feel tears prickling at the back of her eyes. She gives a heartfelt and defeated sigh. “He left me,” she admits. “He’s going back to the States.”

Maz raises an eyebrow, and then peers at her over the top of her bottle thick glasses, squinting slightly. “Is he now? And nobody can stop him, can they?”

“I...I don’t think so,” Rey responds. 

“Hmmm,” Maz responds, not sounding entirely convinced.

“What you said, the other day?” Asks Rey tentatively. “You told me not to lose hope. That love is the strongest force in the world.”

“That it is,” Maz agrees, nodding sagely. 

“But I think he might have left me because he loves me,” Rey says, tears leaking into her voice. “He was afraid of something happening to me. So it’s no good to me, love being the strongest force in the world. All it did was take him away from me!” She can hear her voice growing slightly shrill, and she hates it. 

Maz takes it in her stride though, not looking at all perturbed by Rey falling to bits in front of her. She squeezes her hands with a surprising strength in her grip for someone who looks relatively frail. “Sometimes love can make people do incredibly foolish things. People can make the wrong choices for the sake of another they love.” Rey nods in agreement, and Maz pauses for a moment before continuing. “Romantic love is not the only love there is, familial love is a force to be reckoned with too.”

“I wouldn’t know,” says Rey bitterly. “My family abandoned me.”

“And in those cases, we make our own family, do we not?” Maz asks. 

“Well, yes,” Rey agrees. “But in both cases people always seem to leave, they head down a path that you can’t follow or aren't allowed to follow, like Ben has.”

“And if someone you love leaves, do you love them any less? Do you love _him_ any less?” the woman asks. 

“No, of course not!! Rey says. 

“I get the sense that you are not the first person to love and be loved by Ben who he has walked away from. And in those people, you may find unexpected allies for bringing him back home.”

They’re interrupted at that moment by a knock on the door. “Come,” Maz shouts, and the girl from earlier appears carrying a tray with a coffee, her panini, and a lush looking chocolate brownie. She deposits it on the table to the side of Rey and Maz and leaves, closing the door. 

“Eat, child,” Maz tells her, nodding to the tray, and so Rey does, mulling over her words as she chews on the panini. It’s still a fight to get food down, and she leaves half of it on the plate. Maz just passes her the plate with the brownie on. “Try it,” she encourages her. Before, cryptically, “I made them myself, and there’s a little bit of magic baked into them.”

Rey takes a bite, and bloody hell it is _good_. The rich chocolate makes her mouth water, and the middle of the brownie is fudgy and squishy, just the way a perfect brownie should be. Her taste buds seem to roar to life again at the chocolate currently filling her mouth and she swallows it down eagerly. She thinks over Maz’s words. About families and the way that people within them love each other, about other people Ben might have loved but left behind in his life. And suddenly she realises. Who above all had been distraught by the pathway Ben had chosen to take in his previous life? Who had cried in delight at the news that Ben was now free and pursuing a career in writing? Who would do anything to stop Ben from going down that same path again? Who was her potential ally in stopping Ben from returning to the darkness which he had once fought free of? Moreover, who most likely had contacts throughout the US government and law enforcement from her time in the Senate? Who had fought the forces at the dark heart of America and won? 

Leia Organa Solo. 

Rey swallowed down the last of her brownie, and rather than everything else she had eaten over the last few days, it didn’t sit heavily in her stomach. Instead it seemed to warm her insides as she felt the beginning of a plan begin to come together in her mind and the first sparks of hope igniting inside her. She looked at Maz.

“I need to speak to Ben’s mom,” she tells her.

Maz nods. “Now, that sounds like a good plan. Off you go then. The sooner the better.”

Rey stands to leave, then turns back to Maz. “Thank you so much.”

Maz just waves her hand at her. “Anytime, child. You’re always welcome here.”

*

By the time she’s walked back home it’s almost 1pm. She counts back 6 hours in her head, to work out the time on the East coast of the States, and realises it’s only 7am over there - much too early to get in contact, though she has every suspicion Leia may be an early riser. She makes a deal with herself to wait until 3pm at least. She looks around her for something to do in the meantime. She decides on the thrilling combination of doing laundry, dusting, hoovering, and cleaning the kitchenette to within an inch of its life. She normally hates cleaning, but there’s a desperate need to keep herself occupied and from dwelling on what might now be possible. The hope stirring inside her is dangerous, a hope that perhaps, just perhaps, she may be able to stop Ben from returning to the darkness he has fought his way free from in the past. However, she doesn’t want to put too much stock in that hope, doesn’t want to fan the flames to burn too brightly inside her, because what if her plan _doesn’t_ work. She would be crushed. So she chooses some energetic music, puts it on loudly and turns herself into a furious whirlwind of cleaning. When there’s finally nothing left to do, she jumps into the shower for the second time that day, feeling that when she sees Leia she wants to at least feel presentable. 

When she finally takes a seat and fires up her creaky old laptop, waiting endlessly for it to load, she realises with a cold shock that she doesn’t have Leia’s phone number, hasn’t got her as a contact on Skype or any other app. She groans into her hands for a moment. However, she reminds herself, she’s not a librarian for nothing. She has research skills, and it surely can’t be that difficult to track down some way of talking to Leia. After 5 minutes of tapping away on her laptop, she still can’t find a private number for Ben’s mother, but she easily finds the number for her book agent. Looking at the clock to check it’s now an acceptable hour in the Eastern states, she punches the number in and speaks to a completely perplexed woman, who nevertheless promises to pass Rey’s Skype contact details and a message to contact her urgently to Leia immediately. 

Within 10 minutes, she receives a contact request from Leia, and the distinctive blooping and beeping sound of an incoming call begins to emanate from her laptop speaker. Rey panics for a moment, as she realises she has done this impulsively, that she hasn’t prepared what she’s about to say to Leia at all. She takes some deep breaths through her nose to calm herself, before clicking on the button to answer the call. 

Leia Organa Solo appears before her on the screen, a large window behind her giving a view of bare armed trees against a pale winter sky. She looks as radiant as always, her hair today coiled into two buns at the sides of her head, and her smile warm and her deep brown eyes, that remind Rey so much of Ben’s, crinkling in welcome.

“Rey,” Leia says in a warm tone. “This is an unexpected surprise. It’s lovely to see you again.”

Rey nods wordlessly, forcing a smile onto her face for Ben’s mother, but she can feel that the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Leia’s brow furrows even more as she watches Rey’s expression from thousands of miles away. The woman leans forward towards the screen, as if trying to study her more closely. 

“Rey? What’s the matter?”

Her voice is laden with concern, and Rey’s breath does a little hitch as she prepares to speak. “It’s….it’s Ben,” she finally admits.

Leia’s eyes go wide and her voice becomes urgent. “What is it? Is he alright? Has there been some type of accident?”

Rey can hear the edges of panic curling at Leia’s voice, and so she rushes to reassure her. “No, no, there’s no accident. He’s in good health as far as I know, at least physically.”

“What is it then?” Leia asks, her voice perplexed.

“It’s the First Order,” Rey says darkly. “It’s Snoke.”

Leia’s expression blackens at once. “What’s happened?” She says sharply. 

“A man came to Ben’s apartment looking for him,” she says, her eyes flooding with tears at the memory. “Some guy called Hux. He said Snoke wanted him back working for them. He told me what Ben used to do. Ben said no to him. Hux, he...he threatened me. Not directly, but he implied that I was the ‘distraction’ stopping Ben from returning. “ She wipes the tears now spilling from her eyes with her sleeve. “He implied that Snoke would take an interest in me if Ben didn’t return to them within the next 4 weeks.”

She trails off, sniffling, reluctant to relive the breakup any further. 

“And what did Ben say to that?” Leia asks, her voice gentle, yet Rey can hear the concern, the fear threaded through it. 

“He...he said he couldn’t see me any more,” Rey chokes out. “That he couldn’t allow them to use me, for Snoke to know of me. He told me it was over.” The sobs begin to overtake her body and her tears turn the screen in front of her into a smear of light. “I...I think he is going to go back to them. To protect me.”

Leia’s expression is filled with naked sympathy and concern, but Rey can also sense a cold fury raging through the woman, though she works to keep that from showing to Rey. Leia is silent for a moment as she drums her fingers on the desk in front of her. Eventually she leans back in her seat and steeples her hands, pressing them to her lips. 

“Snoke has been a thorn in my side for many years now. When Ben left the military, he was so lost, adrift. He couldn’t settle into civilian life, and I had to watch as that snake reeled him in, knowing full well what he was, knowing full well what he would turn my son into. When I found out Ben had left that awful organisation I was delighted. Even more so to find out he was focusing on a career as a writer.”

“He can’t go back to them,” Rey says through her tears. “I don’t even care if he doesn't come back to me, as long as he doesn’t go back to...back to _that._ Is there anything you can do?” She begs. 

Leia nods slowly. “I still have contacts. I shouldn’t tell you this, but there has been an open investigation on the First Order for years. Nothing could ever be proven though. They are like ghosts, efficient and ruthless at what they do, disappearing into the aether afterwards. Nobody would ever talk, they were too afraid.”

Leia picks up a pen and taps on the top of the desk with it in a repeating pattern, looking thoughtful. “If Ben would be willing to talk to the FBI and then act as a witness at trial, I’m confident the justice system would be able to put Snoke away for a long enough stretch of time that he'd never get out before he died. Plus anyone else who’s been working for him.”

“But what about Ben in that case?” Rey asks tentatively. The last thing she wants him to do is end up in prison, seperated from here with miles of ocean between them, caged for years.

“We would negotiate him giving evidence contingent on a plea deal.” Leia’s pen carries on tapping away on the desk. “They’ll be eager enough to finally have something solid on the First Order that it will go well for him, I think. I need to talk to a lawyer, and to some of my contacts in the FBI. Give me 24 hours. I’ll contact you again at the same time tomorrow, then you can decide how to approach Ben with it.”

“But he doesn’t want to see me.” Rey objects.

Leia leans forward again and looks seriously into the camera, her intense gaze levelling Rey in a way so reminiscent of Ben’s that she feels a twist in her chest. 

“Let me tell you about Ben as a child,” Leia says softly. “He was a loner who never mixed well with children his own age. Han and I used to say he had an old head on young shoulders. But I’ve never seen a child with such a big heart for those he was close to. The people and the things he became attached to - well - he struggled to ever let them go. Being the subject of Ben’s affection was an intense experience, even as a parent.”

Rey nods along with understanding. She can see it. The single-minded devotion with which he had looked at her and treated her. The deep passions brewing under that often still dark surface. The way he had thrown himself wholeheartedly and utterly into their relationship. 

“His time in the military changed him,” Leia continued. “When he came back he seemed….disconnected somehow. Distant. Neither his father nor I could seem to reach him, though we tried. By god, did we try. And then when Snoke came sniffing around, it was only a matter of time.” Leia passes her hand over her face, as if trying to dispel the memory of the man who had taken her son from her. “What I’m saying is this; Ben somehow tore himself free of that life and then opened himself up to you. If he loved you, which I am certain he did given the ridiculous look on his face when I spoke to you both on Christmas day, then he loves you still, even though he may have pushed you away.”

Rey nods along. “I believe he does,” she tells Leia. 

Ben’s mother continues softly. “I know this has been hard on you, Rey, I can see that clearly. I know this doesn’t excuse what he has done, but I believe that my son will be suffering horribly over losing you too. After we’ve spoken tomorrow, if you can find it in yourself to go and see him, to explain that there is another way through all this that doesn’t end in him leaving and you and returning to the First Order, I believe that he will listen to you.” Leia looks thoughtful for a moment before continuing. “I know that this is asking a lot of you, given what has just happened. Believe me I do understand what I am asking. But I fear that he won’t listen to me. I worry that if I try to speak to him about it, he will feel like we are just repeating the patterns of the past when his father and I begged him not to join the First Order right at the beginning, and there’s a risk that I may just push him further back into Snoke’s arms.”

Rey nods. “I agree. I’m willing to do it,” she confirms. “At least, I’ll try.”

Leia smiles at her then, a wide smile that shows all of her teeth, and it’s like the sun has suddenly just broken through a cloud. 

“My son is lucky to have you,” she says, seriously. “Until tomorrow then.”

“Until tomorrow,” Rey agrees, before ending the call. 

She sits thinking for a while, reassured by her phone call with Leia, and eternally grateful to Maz. The sparks of hope are catching fire in her chest now, and she fights not to be consumed by them, telling herself that in the end Ben might not listen to her, that he may insist that returning to the States and his old way of life is his only option. But, she reminds herself, love is the strongest force in the world as Maz had said. She has to believe in that, even if she believes in nothing else at all. If she can only make Ben see that there is a way for them to still be together, that their love is strong enough to get through whatever the world might throw at them, that he doesn’t need to return to the darkness of his past. 

And so, unwise as it may be, she lets herself imagine the possibility that this might actually work. She allows herself to hope. 

After all, right now it’s all she has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter next sunday :)
> 
> Also, if you're enjoying my writing i have a multi-chapter canon fic I am working on and have really been loving writing. It's set after The Last Jedi, and i post a new chapter for it once every 3 weeks or so. If that sounds like something you'd enjoy then please do check it out: [I Am An Island, You Are The Ocean](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26174194/chapters/63689881)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben finally get to talk....
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

After her call with Leia, Rey spends the rest of Friday as a nervous bundle of energy. She can’t seem to sit still and her stomach flutters constantly, as if there’s a small bird in there desperate to get out. Flitting from room to room, she alternates between cleaning things that have already been cleaned to within an inch of their life earlier that day, trying to read, trying to watch TV, trying to nap, and pacing endlessly around her main room until the neighbour below bangs on their roof with what sounds like a broom. 

She wages a useless war against fixating on the fact that she is actually going to go and see Ben tomorrow, to confront him with the plan she and Leia have concocted. She runs over and over in her head what she might say to him, until she feels like she is going mad with it. Eventually she begins to worry that if she plans it out too much, then her words will sound over-rehearsed, stilted, and insincere. In the end she abandons this approach, deciding to feel the situation out and wing it according to what seems appropriate. She’d like to think she’s good at winging it, after all she’s had a lot of practice in her life.

She fights, too, against her thoughts spiralling down into a deep well of darkness. If she’s honest with herself, she is _terrified_. What if he refuses to speak to her? What if the plan doesn’t convince him not to leave? What if he won’t listen? She fears the pain of seeing him, the pain of having to look upon his dark eyes and beautiful angular face as he rejects her, knowing that she will never have him again. She already feels raw and vulnerable, her chest still aches, and tears still threaten at the back of her eyes frequently despite the fact that she now has a plan. This could break her all over again if it doesn’t work - it could be like losing him for a second time over. But she can’t help the flame of hope burning in her. A core part of her soul believes in Ben Solo, believes that at heart he is doing what he’s doing because he loves her, believes in his gentleness and his goodness. And so, she hopes. 

She throws some food in the microwave to heat it for tea, and while she’s listening to the dull hum of it, her phone begins to ring. Her heart does a little lurch and she picks it up with trembling hands. It’s only Rose’s name across the screen though, not the one that she longs to see. Rose has just got out of work and offers to cancel her plans with Finn and Poe that evening, to come over and stay at Rey’s place instead. Rey declines the offer, and then declines a second time when Rose suggests alternatively that she come round to her place and spend the evening with her, Poe and Finn. 

She fills Rose in on her conversations with Maz and Leia, and on the plan her and Leia have put together. Her friend is quiet as she listens, and Rey can practically hear the cogs turning in her head. 

“I don’t know Rey, I just don’t want you to get hurt again,” Rose tells her eventually.

“I know.” Rey sighs. “I have to at least try though. I can’t just leave things as they are. If you knew how much he hated his old life…”

“I hear what you’re saying,” Rose tells her kindly. “I’m just concerned for you, that’s all. Look, are you sure you don’t want to come over this evening? Some friendly company could be a good distraction.”

“No offence to the guys, but I just don’t have the energy to deal with Finn and Poe right now, if I’m honest,” Rey insists. “Especially Poe. And before you say you’ll come here again, I’m better off being alone this evening. I need time to think, time to prepare myself,” she tells her friend.

Rose makes an understanding noise through the phone. “I get it,” she tells Rey. “I do. I just worry about you getting into a tailspin over it all and staying up all night.”

“Well what about if I promise that I’ll message or call you if I need you?” Rey suggests. 

Rose makes a dismissive noise. “No, because I know you, and I know that you won’t ask for help even if you need it.”

“I _promise_ ,” she tells Rose emphatically. “Scouts honour, If I am struggling then I will contact you. I just need this time to get my head straight. It’s been such a whirlwind few days, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.”

“I understand,” Rose tells her. “I really do. Well then, keep in touch, and good luck with the call with Leia tomorrow, I really hope she manages to put something in place that will help Ben. Let me know how it goes.” Her voice turns a little harder. “And if that guy won’t listen to you, and carries on being completely and utterly stupid, tell him from me that he’s going to have me to answer to, and I’m going to go round to his place and kick his shins. _Hard_.”

“Okay,” Rey says with a laugh that is at least half genuine, before bidding her friend farewell.

She eats her meal, and then tries to do some breathing exercises to calm her racing heart, trying to relax herself enough that she can escape in a book in order to while the evening away. It’s partially successful, even if she surfaces frequently from the world of the story she’s reading, even if every time her mind drifts away from the tale her heart thuds with apprehension. The book accompanies her to bed that night, and is there for her, a reliable presence throughout the still, small, sleepless hours. She falls asleep cradling it in her arms, and in the morning she has to peel her cheek off the protective plastic cover. 

*

The next day Rey sleeps in late, exhausted by both her current inability to sleep at a normal hour and the emotional turmoil of the past few days. When she gets up, she looks mournfully at the sparse contents of her fridge and cupboards, trying to find something to eat and realising how bare they are. She was supposed to spend the rest of this week at Ben’s, so there’s virtually nothing in. There is time to fill before Leia calls, so she sets herself the task of going out to get some food supplies. It gives her something useful and practical to occupy her time with while she waits, plus, grocery shopping always makes her happy. Having spent years hungry, looking longingly through shop windows at the food within, she still hasn’t quite got over the novelty of being able to buy whatever she wants, and she doesn’t know if she ever will. It’s a simple thing that most people do every week without really thinking too deeply about it, but it’s something she will never stop appreciating. 

Once she returns laden with bags, and fills her cupboards and fridge, she looks over it, pleased, and trying to ignore the feeling lying heavily in the pit of her stomach at the prospect of seeing Ben later on in the day. What will he say he sees her? How will he react? Will he be pleased to see her face again, or horrified? She isn’t really sure. This is completely uncharted territory for the two of them. Part of her is afraid he will just shut the door in her face, refuse completely to even speak to her in a bid to keep her safe. Another part of her is scared that he will agree to giving evidence against Snoke, but will still tell her that he can’t be with her any more because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of her. Through the afternoon, she works towards accepting that outcome, not wanting to raise her expectations too highly. She tries to convince herself that the only outcome she really needs is for him not to turn back to the First Order. If Ben could carry on living his life, carry on writing, carry on being as free as he has been since leaving the States, then she could be happy, she tells herself. She could live her life at a distance from him, read his novels when they came out, and add them to her collection next to Leia Organa Solo’s novels, a permanent reminder of who he once was to her. The idea of that leaves her feeling hollow and sad, but she knows she can accept if as long as he doesn’t turn back to the darkness.

At 3pm, she takes the vid call from Leia. Ben’s mother has spoken to the contacts she said she would, and is confident that things will go their way if only he will make the right decision. She explains her plan and her thinking to Rey in more detail, and Rey realises that this could actually really _work_. She ends the call feeling fortified by Leia’s words, and more determined than ever to make Ben listen to her. 

*

It’s raining outside, and for once she decides to treat herself to a taxi to get to Ben’s, rather than arriving there soaked to the bone. It’s a frivolous use of money by her standards, but if she’s honest with herself, she can’t bear the time the walk there would take with this knot of anxiety gnawing insistently at her stomach. 

When the taxi drops her off, she walks through the small gated car park towards Ben’s block of apartments, taking in the fact that his BMW isn’t there. Her heart drops through her shoes. He can’t have left already, can he? It’s only 4 days since Hux showed up at his doorstep and everything went to hell… surely he wouldn’t have left so quickly? She hovers outside the main door, hoping for somebody entering or leaving to let her in. Eventually she’s in luck; a woman Rey has glimpsed before in passing recognises her and holds the door open for her as she exits, giving Rey a small smile of recognition. 

Rey bounds up the stairs to Ben’s floor, knocking hard on his door and knowing deep down at her core that he won’t answer. She’s right. The door remains firmly closed, it’s white face mocking her, and she leans back against the wall opposite it trying to control her breathing and willing herself not to cry. The disappointment of him not being there is palpable after all of the build up, and she’s filled with a sense of desolation as she ponders her next move. If, as she fears, he has left to return to the States, then it may be too late. He may already be back in the clutches of the First Order. 

She shakes her head as she blinks back her tears, and searches in her pocket for her phone, wondering if now is - at last - the moment she will give in and send him a message, if only to confirm her worst fears. Her fingers brush against the cold metal of her house keys as she digs in her pocket, and she’s struck by a sudden realisation. She draws the jingling mass of metal out of her pocket and looks thoughtfully at the new key which hangs from it, the key that Ben had given her as a Valentine’s present just a few nights ago. She considers for a moment. Ben had never asked her for the key back before she left, though she has no doubt he didn’t intend for her to have continued access to his apartment. But here in her hand is her means of confirming whether or not he’s left for the States, or whether he’s just out and about somewhere.

She feels guilty as she slides the key home and turns it, and she braces herself for the sight of a bare apartment, shorn of everything that made it fundamentally Ben’s space. She steps in, looking at the floor and barely daring to raise her eyes to the sight that will meet her. As soon as she does though, she’s filled with an instant sense of relief. All the furniture is still present and correct. Ben’s books line the walls and his laptop sits on the dining table. An unwashed bowl with a spoon in it sits next to the sink. Scarcely able to believe her luck, Rey pads through to his bedroom and opens his wardrobe door. All of his clothes are still hung there in their various dark shades, the woodsy spicy scent of Ben’s aftershave lingering around them.

She closes the wardrobe door and heads back into the main living space. She takes a seat on the comfy sofa. And then she waits. 

*

Rey is awoken by the sound of a key sliding home in a lock, and a latch turning, She jerks awake, disoriented for a moment by her surroundings, before realising that she has fallen asleep on Ben’s sofa. She flicks her eyes across quickly to the clock. Nearly 5pm. She’s slept for about an hour.

She braces herself as the door swings open, gathering together all her courage and all her hurt, gathering together all her thoughts and the arguments she is about to make. He doesn’t see her at first. He is hanging his head, his hair wet with rain, droplets running from his coat. She notices a little mud around the bottom of his wet jeans. He’s been out walking. 

Then his eyes lift, locking with hers, and a shiver goes through Rey’s body. A few days ago she hadn’t thought she would ever look upon those eyes again, and now here he is, right in front of her, eyes boring into her very soul. She drinks in the sight of his face greedily, though she has to admit to herself that he does look wrecked. His face is pale and drawn, and there seems to be little hollows under his cheekbones that weren't there a few days ago, suggesting that he hasn’t been eating properly. There are huge shadows under his eyes, and he carries his body as if it is a heavy and unwelcome weight he has to drag along with him. That haunted and lost look, the look that had been there when she first met him, that had drawn her to him, is there in the back of his eyes again. 

His eyes widen and his mouth opens on a little ‘oh’ of surprise when he sees her there on the sofa, and for just a moment she can see the panicked hurt in his expression. She stands up to greet him, battling to keep her voice even. “Hello Ben.”

He averts his eyes and closes the door, stripping off his coat and hanging it neatly on the hook at the back. He bends and unlaces his boots, kicking them off and placing them aside. He straightens up, turns back to her, and in that time he has schooled his face into a mask, though the tension at the corner of his eyes and the movement under his skin as he grinds his teeth don’t escape her. His eyes too, speak of torment and grief, of fear and panic. He may have smoothed out his expression, but she can read his tells easily. He just stands there, not coming any closer as though she is some sort of wild animal that is about to strike him. She waits. 

“Rey,” he begins at last. His voice is hoarse. “You...you can’t be here,” he begins. 

“Yet here I am,” she tells him, holding up the key which she’s now slipped off her keyring. “You forgot about this. But I’ll give it back to you if you wish.” She places the key on the table, and forces her voice to be strong, not to waver. “First of all though, you're going to listen to what I have to say.”

He makes a small noise in the back of his throat, then moves to the kitchen and downs a glass of water before turning to look at her again, his expression wary. 

“No good can come of you being here,” he croaks. “It only makes it harder on both of us.”

She doesn’t bother to respond to that, and just holds her arm out, gesturing to the couch, for him to sit. Reluctantly he pads over. He takes a seat at the far end, as far from her as he can get, as though being in her very proximity burns at his skin. She sits down and regards him as he looks down at the floor, seemingly fascinated by the pile of the carpet. He looks beautiful and broken, and she wants nothing more in that moment than to sweep him into her arms, to cradle his head and tell him that everything will be alright. Her fingers itch to touch him, but she keeps her hands firmly at her sides, stopping herself from reaching out to him. 

“Ben,” she says, trying to get him to look up at her, trying to make sure he is really listening to what she is about to say. 

He reluctantly drags his gaze away from the floor and looks up at her. She catches her breath at the rich chocolate of his irises, at the depth of his regard. His eyes are desperate, searching her face for something she can’t quite name, and she can see the chasm of loss in them, a mirror to the black loss which hangs heavy around her own heart. 

“What if it didn’t have to be this way?” She suggests softly. 

He laughs, but there’s no humour behind it. “There’s no other way it can be.” He meets her eye and there is steely determination in his expression. “I leave on wednesday, my flight is already booked.”

“You don’t have to leave-” she begins, but he interrupts her before she can get the words out. 

“-I _do_ have to leave,” he tells her his voice ragged and his hands cutting through the air to emphasise his words. “There is no other option. If I don’t go back they will track you down Rey, and they will _hurt_ you, do you understand? Do you understand how many people they have hurt? How many people they have made disappear? They’ll do whatever it takes to get me to return. I can’t countenance that. I can’t be responsible for something happening to you. I need to keep you safe.” His voice cracks at the end and he wipes his hands across his eyes, brushing away tears which have started to escape from their corners. His hands are shaking, she notices, his nails bitten to the quick. “I need you to leave now,” he tells her brokenly. His words stab at her heart, ice sinking into the tender red flesh. But she is strong, and she is determined, and she gathers all her resources to her, and denies him with a single fierce word. 

“No,” she replies simply. 

“No?” He says incredulously.

“No,” she confirms. “I am not leaving. What’s going to happen, Ben Organa Solo is this: you are going to sit here, and you are going to listen, and listen good, to what I have to say to you. And if, at the end of all that, you still decide you want to leave me and return to the First Order then I won’t stop you. But before that, I am going to make us a cup of tea. You’re wet through and I don’t want you catching a chill.” Then she just stands, makes her way to the kitchen, fills the kettle and flicks it on. 

Her heart is pounding as she listens to the kettle beginning to boil, but there’s a fire in her belly now. Now that she has actually seen him, seen the lines of the face she knows and loves so well, seen the defeat and the grief in his eyes, those sparks of hope that she can save him from making the wrong decision have become a roaring inferno inside her, powering her forwards. He _will_ hear her out. And then the cards will fall where they may.

She busies herself making the tea, before turning to look at him. He’s sitting there with a perplexed look on his face, as though he can’t believe that she has refused to leave and just started randomly making tea in his kitchen. He runs his hands through his damp hair again and again, frowning at her. She turns back to the drinks. “Go and dry that hair,” she tells him over her shoulder. “And put some dry clothes on.” She wonders if he will comply, but then she hears the creak of the sofa as he stands and the soft footsteps heading into his bedroom. She carries the hot drinks over and seats herself on the sofa. Right in the middle this time, so that whichever end he chooses she won’t be forced to to talk to him with a huge distance between them. 

He returns eventually in dry sweatpants and a hoodie, running a towel through his hair. He looks completely gorgeous with his damp ruffled locks, and she tries not to get lost in the allure of his beauty, forcing her mind to instead return to the subject at hand. He hangs the towel over the radiator and then returns, sinking back heavily into the sofa and turning his head to look at her.

“Rey-” he begins, a note of warning in his voice, and she just _knows_ he’s going to tell her again that she needs to leave, and she can’t bear to hear him say the words. 

She holds her hand up. “Shush,” she tells him firmly, in her very best strict librarian voice, and he clamps his mouth closed. His eyes slide away from her again as if he can’t bear to look at her, and it hurts, oh how it hurts, but she forges on nevertheless. 

“I understand that you want to protect me,” she tells him, willing him to meet her eyes again. “But there is another way that this could go, if you wanted it to. I don’t really believe you want to return to that life. I believe that you want to stay here, and that you want to be a writer. I believe that you want a relatively normal life-”

“-what I want doesn’t matter,” he cuts in, and she gives him a furious glare. 

“Don’t _ever_ say that,” she tells him, with some heat in her voice. “ _Of course_ what you want for yourself matters Ben. It matters so much. I understand that you feel you need to leave to keep me safe, but what if I told you there was a way to take Snoke down, to make sure he never hurts me - or anyone else.”

Ben finally meets her eyes, an incredulous look on his face. “If that’s what you’re telling me then I’d say you’re being naive.”

“Don’t tell me I’m naive,” she says hotly. “I may not have had the life experience you’ve had Ben Solo, but I’m by no means stupid or blind to the darker forces in this world. My childhood showed me that.”

He drops his eyes to the floor again looking chastened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I know,” she says, her voice calmer. She scoots across a little closer to him. She desperately wants to take his hand in hers, to stroke her fingers over his palms, too soothe him, but she stops herself. 

“Listen, Ben. There is an open investigation in the States on the First Order. Apparently it’s been going on for years. Nobody would ever talk so they’ve never been able to amass enough evidence to prove anything. But if you were to talk to the FBI, offer to help them with the investigation….there’s a good chance that if you gave evidence Snoke could end up in prison for the rest of his life.”

She braces herself, because she knows what’s coming next. Knows that this is the moment when he may revert to his old patterns and make the final decision to cut and run. Everything hinges on his reaction to this.

“My mother,” he says, his voice low. “You contacted her. She told you this.”

Rey nods wordlessly, hoping against hope that he will take her intervention in the spirit it is meant. He’s silent for a long time, and eventually Rey dares to reach out and take his hand, wrapping his stiff fingers in hers as best she can. His fingers tremble a little, as though fighting with themselves, before he finally squeezes back, just very lightly. But it’s something, and Rey holds on to that gentle squeeze on her hand with all her might, willing that her touch anchors him and pulls him back from the edge of the abyss he is teetering upon. 

He looks at her at last. His eyes are red rimmed and haunted, swimming in sorrow. “Hux never told you why I walked, did he? There was a rival cartel to the one I was working for. Snoke wanted me to kill innocents. The wife and child of one of the higher ups, as revenge for some stunt they’d pulled. I refused. And then I left.”

Rey nods her understanding, squeezing his hand again. 

“I felt like I didn’t know who I was any more,” Ben continues, his voice hitching and shaking. “Working for Snoke, it morphed me into a monster that I couldn't recognise. I was horrified with what I'd become, with what the First Order had turned me into. I left that day. Didn’t tell anyone, I just disappeared. I bounced around the States for a time, trying to write, renting in different cities and volunteering for local charities, always keeping on the move. I guess I was trying to come to terms with it all, trying to atone.” He runs his hand through his hair a couple of times. “Eventually, after some time, the words began to come easily, and it just flowed. Before I knew it, I had the makings of a book. I decided to resettle in England. I submitted my draft for publication here, and it was accepted. The next day, I took a plane to Manchester and ended up here.”

He looks up at her and reaches towards her tentatively, as if he’s going to caress her cheek, but he drops his hand before it can reach her skin. 

“And then, all of a sudden, there was you. Bright and smiling and beautiful, and oh so strong,” he continues, his eyes softening. “And I'm sorry, Rey, that I let you think I was something I wasn’t. But you smiled at me that day in the library, and it was like all the darkness was just chased away. I didn’t know what to do with it at first. But you kept smiling at me every time I went in there, and you looked at me like I was _something_ , like I was somebody actually worth your smile, like I was just an author and not a monster, that’s all. And then after that you were in my head all the time and I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about the way you smiled at me.” He lets go of her hand and drops his head into his hands, fisting his hair, and his voice grows angry with himself. “I wanted you so so much, and because I’m stupid and I’m selfish, I let you get involved with me. I put you in danger, and then I hurt you.”

She had begun to feel like she was making some incremental progress, but she can sense him now starting to spiral back down into self blame, so she tugs at his arm, encouraging him to untangle his hands from his hair and look at her. He turns to her, his eyes swimming with tears. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way Ben,” she insists to him fiercely, meeting his gaze and trying to impress on him through her eyes all her love, all her belief in the two of them, and her desperate desperate hope. "Please."

There is a long silence as he just looks at her, eyes scanning over her face, taking in every centimetre of her. She holds her breath even though she is virtually quivering with nerves, her whole chest filled with apprehension.

“What do I have to do to make you safe?” He asks desperately, his breath hitching. “If we follow my mother’s plan?"

Relief tries to flood through her, but she grasps on the reins of it before it can run out of control, reminding herself that he’s not actually agreed to it yet. She takes a deep breath, and reaches out taking one of his hands in hers again. This time, his fingers aren’t as stiff, and curl easily around hers.

“First, talk to Leia,” she tells him. “Today. She’s waiting for your call whenever you’re ready. She has her contacts, and she knows how to progress things from here. And then...don’t cancel that plane ticket, because you’re going to need to go back to the States ASAP.” This is the bit of the plan she hates the most, him still having to leave the country after all.

He thinks for a long moment, staring at the carpet again, as if there’s some type of answer there for him. “Okay,” he tells her, his low voice soft. 

“Okay?” She asks, scarcely able to believe it. 

This time he looks up and meets her gaze, nodding. “Okay,” he confirms. 

The relief flows in then, filling Rey’s chest up and spilling over into the rest of her body. She takes a big breath, feeling like something that’s been restricting her ribs for days is finally being released. She wants to laugh, wants to cheer. She’s actually managed to accomplish what she came here to do, to ensure Ben never returns to his old life. But there is still one more thing nagging away at her, there is still that pain in her chest at the thought of a life without him in it. She wonders if the fates are smiling on her kindly today, if they will make just one more thing go her way, or if that is asking for too much. 

“What about us?” She asks, tentatively.

“Well, if we could still be friends I’d like that, but if you don’t want to, I understand,” he says dully, looking down at their intertwined hands, pain evident in his expression. He grips onto her tightly as if he never wants to let her go again. 

Her heart plummets for a moment in profound disappointment and saltwater threatens to spring to her eyes, before she sees him looking back up at her, his eyes roving hungrily over her face in a manner that’s utterly at odds with wanting to be just friends. She remembers then, his words to her that awful day. _Now you know what kind of creature I was; Somebody as sweet and pure as you....I don’t deserve you; You shouldn’t even be with a monster like me._

“No,” she tells him in response to his suggestion about them being friends.

He nods, despondent. “Ok...that’s...OK. I understand why you wouldn’t want that.”

She slides yet closer on the sofa, until their bodies are almost touching, and takes his other hand in hers. She squeezes both of his ridiculously large hands in hers, enjoying the warmth of his skin. He seems startled at how close she has come, and glances up at her in surprise. 

“Rey, what...” he trails off, looking unsure of himself. 

She looks up at him. His eyes are wide and overflowing with tears now and his bottom lip trembles, just slightly. He looks boyish and oh so vulnerable. “Apart from this, aside from the First Order and the...things you did, is everything else you’ve shown me of who you are, the truth?” She asks, already knowing the answer. 

“Yes, of course,” he answers immediately

“Then not just friends,” she affirms. “More than friends. I know who you really are Ben Solo, and now I know everything, even the very darkest parts of you. And I still want to be with you.”

His eyes widen, and he looks at her incredulously. “But why? How?”

She shushes him, getting onto her knees before crawling into his lap and looping her arms around his neck. “Because I love you, silly.”

“But-” he begins. She stoppers his words with her lips, angling her mouth and pressing it against his. He gives a little surprised intake of breath, which makes his lips open slightly, and she presses her advantage, peeking her tongue out to taste his lips, and is gratified when he fully opens his mouth to her and slides his tongue to tangle alongside hers. He kisses her desperately then, with a feral ferocity that threatens to consume her, and she responds in kind, fisting her hands in his hair, in his hoodie, senses overflowing with the touch and taste of him. 

Tears still roll down his cheeks - and are now flowing freely from her own, she realises - and the salt of them slides into their kiss, salt on their lips and on their tongues. She wraps her arms around him, pulling him tight into her, revelling in the warm solidity of his boy.

It feels like bliss. 

It feels like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) I couldn't keep them apart for long.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

They kiss endlessly and all sense of time falls away. Rey weaves her fingers into his thick hair, pulling him into her, pressing her lips hard against his. Her mouth is greedy for him, desperate for his touch, and she can’t get enough of the way that his body feels against hers. As they consume each other, her heart brims full with an intense joy that overflows and works its way through her whole body until she is trembling.

She wants to stop the tears that keep leaking from her eyes but they come through relentlessly, and so, apparently, do his. When they finally pull apart, both their cheeks are wet and they lift their hands, wiping each other’s cheeks with their fingertips, mirroring each other’s movements. She sniffles a little, and Ben softly lifts her from his lap and places her on the sofa, before standing to get some tissues. He returns and she blows her nose noisily as he wipes at his own eyes. 

Eventually he turns to her, a dark look crossing his face, his eyes troubled. She places her hand in his, squeezing for reassurance. “What’s wrong Ben?”

He barks a hollow laugh. “What’s wrong? I _hurt_ you Rey, I told you to leave, that I didn’t want to be with you.” He runs his hand over his face. “I’m _so_ sorry.” He blinks furiously as if trying to fight back a fresh wave of more tears. “That’s not what I wanted. That was never what I wanted,” he says urgently. 

She can see the self hatred in his eyes, feel his roiling guilt at how things panned out, so she rubs her hands over his arms soothingly, “It’s ok she tells him. “I understand. You were afraid for me.”

He nods miserably, hanging his head. “So afraid,” he admits. Then he looks aside, his eyes focusing on the distance as he considers something. “I need to speak to my mother.”

She nods in assent, before a slight feeling of guilt passes through her. “Which I am sorry about, by the way,” she tells him. “That I went to her, I mean. I knew she would be able to help though, I was certain of it.” She sighs heavily. “Ben, I know that things haven’t been exactly easy between you and Leia for a long while, but I went and spoke to Maz and she made me realise that there are people who love you, who want the best for you. Your mother was eager to offer her help once I told her what had happened. She really does love you.”

He reaches forward, brushing her hair back behind her ear. “I know,” he admits. “And I know you were trying to help. Thank goodness that you did.”

“So you’re not upset with me then, about getting in touch with her?” Rey asks unsurely. 

“How could I be?” he responds. “You turning to her has given us a way to both keep you safe and to be together. If this plan works, I will be forever in her debt.”

“No,” Rey insists. “You won’t be in her debt. I’m beginning to understand, I think, that this is just what families _do_.”

He just nods, before sweeping her into his arms again, burying his nose in her hair and inhaling deeply. “I thought I’d never be able to do this again,” he says brokenly.

“Me neither,” she admits, unable to keep the wobble out of her voice that betrays how deeply she is affected by just being close to him again. She allows herself to sink into his solid presence, to feel safe and secure in the circle of his arms; allows herself to revel in his scent and in the warmth that flows into her from his body, even through the layers of their clothing. They rest like that for some time, synchronising their breathing and relearning the shape of each other’s bodies, letting the rightness they both feel when they are in each other’s presence wrap around them and bind them back together again. 

Eventually he pulls back, though his eyes look down at her adoringly. He cups her cheek in his palm. “I love you,” he tells her, and she can feel the sincerity seeping through his tone. “I love you,” he repeats more fiercely, the intensity of his gaze making her breath catch in her throat, making her feel like she can barely breathe. 

“I love you too,” she manages, her body thrumming with joy and her heart at ease at last. 

His expression sharpens. “I need to call my mom now,” he says, and she nods in response. “After that I’ll order in some food for us...that is, if you’re hanging around,” he looks at her tentatively, a hidden hope in his eyes. 

“Damn right I'm hanging around,” she tells him. “For tonight, and for all the rest of tomorrow, if you’ll have me.” She wants to spend as much time as possible with him before he has to leave the country. She’s dreading their separation, but at the same time she knows that this is the only way forward and that she will just have to come to terms with it, difficult as it will be.

“Always,” he responds instantly. “I always want you around.”

Presently, Ben disappears off to his bedroom, taking his laptop with him. He wants to talk to his mother privately, saying he doesn’t want to entangle Rey any further in his past misdeeds. She nods in understanding, recognising that there are also bridges that need to be built between Ben and his mother privately, and that this is his first tentative step along that path. As the echo of his resonant voice comes through the bedroom door, she flicks on some music to give him his privacy, and then picks up her phone. 

She messages Rose as promised, to let her know that the conversation has gone well and that Ben has agreed to move forwards with this plan of Leia’s, assuring her friend that she doesn’t, in fact, need to kick Ben’s shins. Rose sends her a smiley face, a thumbs up, and an admonishment to take good care of herself and not to take any crap. Rey can’t help but smile at her protectiveness. 

Ben is gone for a long time, the rise and fall of his voice a constant deep vibration in the background. Rey wanders over to his shelves, picks a book, and then settles herself in curling her legs up underneath herself on the sofa, not knowing how long it will take him and his mother to talk things over. Eventually his voice goes quiet, and shortly afterwards the door to his room creaks open, and he wanders through. He looks tired and stressed, ruffling his hand through his hair, which is already a glorious mess, and sighing to himself. Rey pats the sofa next to her, and he collapses heavily onto it, hooking an arm around her and drawing her into his side, kissing the top of her head. 

“How did it go?” Rey murmurs, snuggling into his side. 

“Tiring, but everything is set up. I’ve already got my flight into New York on Wednesday booked anyway. I’m meeting with her on Wednesday evening. She’s organised a lawyer for me - one of the absolute best. I’m meeting with him early on Thursday, to talk things over, and then there are agents from the Bureau who are apparently very eager to speak to me.” He grimaces a little at that prospect.

Rey nods in understanding. Ben’s voice grows maudlin, then. “The only thing is, I wish I wasn’t leaving so soon - I mean I’ve just got you back after thinking I’d lost you forever, and I leave in 4 days.”

“I know,” Rey says, heartfelt. “I feel the same.”

“I wish you could come with me…” Ben trails off, letting out a heavy sigh. 

“Me too, but I can’t. I’m due back in work on Monday, alas. I can’t just leave my job, unfortunately, I kind of need it.”

“I know, I know,” Ben mutters, still sounding a little down. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone,” he says reluctantly. “It could be weeks. Months even.”

Rey’s heart aches at the prospect, but at the same time she is eager to both cheer him up, and for them to get the very best out of each other before he has to leave and head across the Atlantic. So she wriggles out of his side and kneels up, before hooking her leg over his waist and straddling him. He looks at her in surprise, a small smile playing about the corners of his lips. She takes his face in her hands, cupping each cheek tenderly within her palm and looks him deep into the eyes. 

“We have 4 days,” she says softly, placing a quick kiss on his lips. “There’s tonight and then all day tomorrow. And, ok, i have to be back at work on Monday and Tuesday, but if you run me home for my things I’ll pack a bag and stay here until you leave on Wednesday morning.”

“I like that idea very much,” he says eagerly. “In fact, if you’d like to, you’re welcome to stay here while I’m gone.”

Rey frowns, thinking to herself for a moment. It’s a tempting idea, being in Ben’s space, around his things. Perhaps it means she won’t miss him as acutely if she’s able to soak up his presence as much as possible. There’s no doubt that his flat is warmer, comfier, and she absolutely loves his huge walk in shower. But would she miss her own things? She could always go home at any point, she supposes. 

“Bring anything you want here,” Ben says suddenly, reading her as easily as if she were an open book, just like he always does. “I don’t care. Bring a box full of stuff if you like. Multiple boxes, and a suitcase.”

She nods slowly. “Okay then, I might just do that. Promise me though, that you’ll stay in touch often while you’re away?.”

He grips her waist convulsively, his long fingers spanning across the small of her back, the heat of them burning through her top. “I’ll call you as often as I possibly can, I promise you that. Thank goodness we aren’t living years ago when video calls never existed.”

She hums in agreement. “Now,” he announces. “It’s definitely well past time for food, and I really can’t be bothered cooking tonight, so let’s order in. What would you like?”

Rey thinks for a moment. “Pizza?” She asks, hopefully. 

“Pizza it is.”

*

Later on, when their bellies are sated, they put something on the TV and Ben surprises her by lying down and putting his head in her lap. 

Throughout their relationship, it’s always seemed that he has been the one cradling her, soothing her, and this gesture seems oddly vulnerable. He looks up at her, his eyes big as she strokes her fingers through the soft silk of his hair, running her fingers along his scalp in soothing patterns and watching as his eyes drift closed in pleasure. It feels strangely nurturing, and in that moment Rey wants nothing more to bundle him up in and protect him from every single dark presence that stalks his dreams, from every single nightmare he’s ever had, from the dark forces that lie across the ocean which are trying to pull him back to them. She feels strangely protective over him, and while she knows that someone of Ben’s considerable size and skills doesn’t need any protecting physically, she just wants to cradle all of his broken parts to herself, to somehow glue them back together.

He shifts his head in her lap a little, looks up at her. “I never told you by the way, the other day with Hux, you were magnificent.”

“Oh,” she says surprised. She hadn’t exactly _felt_ particularly magnificent. Panicked. Scared. Angry, yes. But not magnificent.

“Yeah,” he continues. “The way you didn’t take any shit and just walked up and stuck your finger in his face berating him. It didn’t seem very funny at the time, I was too afraid for you, but looking at it back now, it’s hilarious. You were so fierce, Rey. He’s not used to people being like that with him. He didn’t know what to do with himself.”

“Huh,” Rey answers. “Well he ticked me off, the way he was talking. He seems like a bit of a pompous prat.”

Ben snorts. “He’s definitely that. Dangerous too. But you didn’t give a crap for all his airs and graces. My fierce girl,” he says with pride, smiling up at her. 

Rey ducks her head a little and blushes. 

“I’m going to miss you so much when you’re gone,” she admits. “Could you really be gone for months?”

He shrugs. “It’s hard to say. It depends how fast they move to trial.” 

She pouts a little, and he looks up at her with soft eyes. “I don’t want to leave you,” he says gently. “It’s the last thing i want, but it’s what I have to do to keep you safe.”

“I know,” she sighs. 

He sits up suddenly, and she looks at him curiously. “Sp let’s make the very most of the time we have left.” He reaches over and urges her onto his lap, so she’s straddling him again and he can reach her lips with his. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively, eliciting a little squeak from her, a small smile curls the corners of his lips. “I really want to enjoy every single thing about you over the next few days,” he tells her.

“And how exactly would you like to do that, Mr Solo?” Rey asks, gyrating suggestively. 

Ben lets out a low growl. “How do you think sweetheart?”

“I have some ideas,” she replies. 

“Excellent.”

*

They retreat to the bedroom, and as soon as they pass the threshold Ben presses her up against the wall, kissing and biting at her neck and earlobes. Rey is flooded by a sudden intense happiness. She thought she would never have this again, never feel his large hands upon her body, never sigh from his tender ministrations, never taste the sweetness of his lips against hers. It makes her feel fierce, filling her with urgency, and she grasps his hair in her fist, forcing his mouth up to hers. 

“Though I’d lost you,” she says breathlessly between kisses. “Thought I’d never be able to do this again.”

He nuzzles into her neck. “Me neither.” He sucks a bruise into the junction of her neck and shoulder. “I'm never letting you go again,” he says, heartfelt, as he pushes her top up before pulling it over her head and letting it drop to the floor. He mouths across her clavicle, working his way down to the swell at the top of her breasts, lingering there for a moment before looking up at her with his boundless eyes. “You’re stuck with me now.”

He bites her nipple through her bra, and Rey moans. “Good,” she chokes out, as he reaches behind her and deftly unhooks her, casting her bra to the floor to join her top. 

“And-you’re-stuck-with-me,” she gasps out as he sucks a nipple into his mouth, before laving his tongue over it, flicking and twirling expertly His other hand comes up and his fingers brush over her other nipple, tweaking and stroking. He knows this drives her wild, and she writhes under his mouth and fingers, a raging fire coiling between her legs. 

He looks up at her, a smug look on his face at the effect he is having on her, and his free hand comes to play around the waistline of her jeans, teasingly dipping underneath and storking across her navel, tracing a line from hipbone to hipbone. 

“Please Ben, please,” she gasps, desperately trying to run her thighs together to gain some more friction. 

He obliges, undoing her jeans and peeling them down at her legs, though she whimpers a little in frustration when he still leaves her clad in her underwear. 

He rests his face to her crotch, inhaling deeply, and she can feel the slickness beginning to pool between her legs. “You smell amazing,” he tells her, before nuzzling into her and humming in pleasure. The vibration sends sparks of electricity racing through her groin and upper thighs and she presses herself into him. He mouths at her underwear, pressing his tongue to the fabric. She can feel the promise of that wet warmth against her core, and she burns to be skin to skin with him, to feel his mouth and tongue sliding slickly between her thighs. She whimpers again in frustration. “ _Please_ Ben,” she begs.

Finally, _finally_ , he hooks his fingers into her panties and pulls them down. She kicks them off, then looks down at him. He is gazing up at her as if awestruck, his eyes worshipful and full of emotion. His eyes tell her all she needs to know about how he feels, but he speaks the words aloud anyway. “I love you,” he says. “I love you so much.”

His tongue darts between her legs, his deep brown eyes looking up at her the whole time, and she stutters back at him, unable to form the words properly. “I-I-Lo-love you too Ben.” Her head falls back to the wall and her eyes roll up as he begins to work his tongue back and forth along her slit, gathering up all her wetness as though it's the most delicious meal he’s ever tasted. He pulls up one of her thighs in his hand, and hooks her knee over his shoulder to open her up and gain better access. His tongue slides over her sensitive entrance, dipping inside a little and making her shiver, before sliding back up and flicking over her clit deliciously. She bucks forward a little, unable to help herself, and he moans into her, vibrations tingling all the way through her. As his tongue begins to work firm, slow circles over her sensitive nub, one of his hands come up and a thick long finger slides inside her. There is very little resistance given how wet she already is.

“More,” she begs. “More, please Ben.” She looks down at him, her eyes pleading, and he glances back up at her, his eyes dark and filled with lust. She gyrates on him, fascinated with the sight of herself riding his face, and inhales sharply as a second finger joins the first pumping in and out of her. He matches the rhythm of his thrusts with the circling of his tongue and shortly has her moaning and gasping above him. A third finger joins the other two, stretching her in just the way she needs and creating a delicious burn. He leans back slightly, looking up at her, his chin slick with her juices. She pouts a little at the loss of his tongue against her clit, but his fingers speed up inside her, and then he crooks his fingers in that way that builds that warm pressure inside her, and she utters a little “oh!”

“I’m going to make you come all over my face,” he tells her firmly, his fingers rubbing against that sensitive spot on her inner walls. “You’re going to come hard, like a good girl, and then I’m going to lie on the bed, and you’re going to get on top of me and ride me hard.”

“Yes,” she defers. “Yes, I am.”

Then his tongue is back on her, drawing small fast circles firmly on her clit, while his fingers inside her crook a little more and work firmly back and forth. She feels that familiar pressure building inside her again, hot and full, and sensation begins to flood out from her core through the rest of her body. She thrusts her pelvis in time with his movements, her hands tangled in his hair and pressing his face to her, heedless of whether he can breathe or not. And then she’s teetering on the edge of something miraculous, something heavenly, the pressure inside her full to bursting. A couple more thrusts of his fingers and flicks of his tongue and her body goes rigid, before she falls over the edge. Her whole body convulses around him, and she curls forward with the force of it, bracing her hands on his shoulders as a gush of wetness releases from inside her, coating his mouth and chin. Tingles of pleasure twine down her limbs, reaching both fingers and toes as her core spasms around his fingers. She shouts his name into the still air of the room, repeating it over and over like some sort of primal chant. Eventually her legs lose their strength and give way, and she sinks to the floor, his fingers still buried inside her. 

He looks over her with dark eyes and a pleased look on his face as she rolls her head back against the wall. “Good?” he asks. 

“More like fucking amazing,” she tells him, still breathing quickly.

He hums with a pleased noise, before scooping her up from the floor and depositing her on the bed. She kneels on the duvet and watches as he grabs a towel and wipes away the moisture from his face, before stripping off the rest of his clothes. Then she’s looking upon him, admiring him in the warm orange glow of his bedside lamp. The light throws lines of definition onto his muscles, and her gaze lingers across his shoulders and strong arms, before trailing her way down his pecs and six pack. Her eyes follow the line of hair that streaks down his navel, dead centre between the delicious jut of his hipbones. Her mouth waters as she traces her gaze down further to the proud length of his manhood, fully erect and jutting out from his body.

“Come here and lie down,” she tells him, holding her hand out. He complies, climbing onto the bed and rolling onto his back, looking back up at her with hooded eyes. She runs her fingers over the hard lines of muscle on his body, enjoying the shape of them and the soft texture of skin under her fingers. He shivers as she trails her fingers lower and gives his cock a quick couple of pumps with her hand.

“Please ,” he groans. “Need to be inside you.”

She climbs over, straddling him and looking down at his beautiful face as he reaches up and palms over her breasts, making her nipples pebble. She lowers herself down until her wetness touches his cock, then slides her core along him suggestively, sighing as the head of his cock bumps against her clit. “Please ,” he implores her, his voice more strangled this time, and she relents, coming up high onto her knees and positioning him at her entrance. She slides down on to him torturously slowly, and the heat in his gaze feels like it will burn her skin to a crisp. 

“I thought I'd never have this again,” he breathes as she lowers herself onto him. “And I don’t know how I ever would have wanted to be with anyone else after being with you.”

She begins to slowly gyrate her hips as he carries on speaking, and she drinks in every word, uses them to build herself up, to mend all the damage done to her heart over the last few days. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted Rey,” he murmurs. “You’re so perfect for me. There will never be anyone else. I’m yours now.”

He hisses as she begins to work herself up and down. “Mine,” she agrees possessively, and he nods up at her eyes wide. 

“And I am all yours,” she tells him, as he begins to lift his hips beneath her in time with her movements. “There will never be anyone else for me either.”

His hands come to rest on her waist, holding her tightly as if she is his only anchor, helping her move up and down upon him. She leans down and kisses him, their tongues sliding together, breathing in each other’s air as their bodies move in unison. She buries her head in the crook of his neck as he quickens the thrusting of his hips. 

“My Rey,” he breathes into her ear. 

“My Ben,” she says into the skin of his shoulder, biting down a little and enjoying the slight hiss it elicits from him. 

His cock presses into all the right places inside her, and she pushes herself back up, beginning to ride him with furious abandon while he looks up at her with worshipful eyes. Her eyes trail down his body, watching as his abdominal muscles flex with his movements, before moving back up to his burning gaze. She can feel a sheen of sweat begin to bloom on her skin in the warmth of the room, but she doesn’t care as she’s too busy chasing that delicious feeling that him being inside always gives her. She throws her head back as she rides him, so him pressing his thumb hard to her clit catches her by surprise making her buck wildly on top of him. The combined pressure of both cock and thumb soon have her teetering on the edge again. Ben must sense it, because he thrusts even harder and deeper into her, and in moments her vision whites out and she is clenching and spasming around him, riding out her orgasm on top of him. 

He keeps fucking her all the while as she shakes on top of him. Eventually she comes back to herself a little, in time to hear him demand “Kiss me,” and feel him tugging her down. She presses her mouth to his, swallowing his moans, sliding her tongue deeply into his mouth and feeling his hips stutter as she does so. He lets out a heartfelt groan into her mouth, and she feels him pulse inside her, filling her with his hot seed. 

She collapses on top of him, both of them panting. 

They lie like that for a while, still joined together and wrapped in mutual bliss, their sweat slick bodies pressed against each other until their breathing slows and they finally, reluctantly separate.

After they’ve both used the bathroom, she crawls back into bed alongside him, and he draws her into the circle of his arms. She buries her face into his neck breathing in his woodsy smoky scent which is mixed with the musk of his sweat, a smell which comforts her like nothing else can. He rests his chin on top of her head and pulls her in tight. Their bodies fit together so perfectly that it seems almost impossible to Rey that they were nearly separated forever. It’s unthinkable. 

In the stillness and the quiet, she can feel the pulse of his heartbeat where her lips rest against his neck, the blood moving strongly through his veins, vital and alive. The soft thud of it seems to resonate through her skin where her chest is pressed against his. She listens, and in that moment she can’t tell the difference between his heartbeat and hers, can’t seem to untangle them or tell where she ends or he begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter count has had to be upped again *facepalm*
> 
> Thinking back to the heady days when i first started this fic thinking "I know, I'll write a Librarian/Author Modern-AU, and it'll be about 30,000 words, 40,000 absolute tops." 
> 
> *Looks at current word and chapter count*
> 
> *Looks to camera*


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, fluff, and more fluff!
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

As far as Rey can tell, Ben’s sleep is blissfully undisturbed that night. No soft exclamations of distress or shaking of the bed disturb her slumber, and there’s nothing but joy in his eyes as he peels them open in the morning and looks at her. 

She’s been watching him for a while before he awakes, leaning up on her elbow and just running her eyes over the lines of his face and the soft fall of his hair across his brow, her free hand resting on his chest. She can’t quite believe that he’s here, whole, and _hers_. He’s right next to her in bed, solid and real. The last few days when she thought she’d lost him seem like nothing but a bad dream now, some nameless nightmare to hopefully be consigned to memory. So she watches him, drinking in the sight of him, tracking the soft rise and fall of his chest, the way his dark eyelashes kiss his cheeks in slumber, the way his full lips rest slackly. She runs her eyes over his moles and beauty marks, connecting them with her eyes and imagining constellations linking them.

At the back of her mind she knows that he will be leaving in 3 days time, but she chooses to focus on the now, the present, on Ben’s body next to her and the vibrating thud of his heart under her hand. She runs her hand up, cupping his face briefly before stroking her fingers over his ear. He comes awake making a sleepy moan and squinting. He grumbles at her softly as she traces the outline of his ear. He hates that particular feature of his, thinking his ears too large and prominent, perpetually covering them with his thick mane of hair. However they are one of her favourite parts of him and Rey thinks they’re perfectly adorable. 

As sleep drops away from him and his eyes fully open, he looks at her and she can see the sheer joy and adoration writ large on his face. There is no trace in his eyes of the spectres that often hound his dreams, instead he looks at peace and much more well rested than when she had first seen him last night. He pulls her in for a kiss, pressing his soft lips to hers, and she yields to him, opening her mouth and letting him slide a lazy tongue in to tentatively probe her mouth. 

“What would you like to do today?” She asks him when he breaks the kiss. With work looming on Monday, it’s their last full day together before he leaves. While she doesn't really care what they do - as long as they are together - she wants Ben to make the most of the remaining time he has before he has to travel back across the ocean and face the music. She knows it is going to be inevitably stressful for him when he returns to the States, so she wants to do whatever she can to build him up with every positive memory she can before then. She wants to leave him with the very best of her to carry across the ocean, wants to be the memory of light that sustains him while he faces the darkness waiting for him. 

“Hmmm,” he hums, twirling a lock of her hair in his hand as she leans over him. “Something normal. Something with you. I don’t really care to be honest.” 

She sees a shadow pass over his face and knows he is thinking of his imminent departure. She brushes a kiss to his cheek, hoping to distract him.

“Well, maybe we could go to the second hand bookshop?” She suggests. He had loved it the one time they went there together. “And call into Maz’s for coffee and cake?”

He nods once in assent. 

“We could even go for a hike as well if you-”

“No,” he interrupts. “The rest of time I want to be here, just me and you.” he looks at her a little guiltily. “I don’t feel like sharing you with the rest of the world right now.”

“Well, we could always just stay in,” she suggests.

“No, it’s cool. We need to pop to your place to get some of your things for staying here, and I need to get some food supplies for this evening anyway,” he tells her, brushing her hair back from her face. “I’m going to cook something for you. I haven’t quite decided what yet.”

“You don’t have to cook for me,” she tells him, not wanting him to waste his energy on catering to her. 

“I know that. I want to though,” he reassures her, brushing a soft kiss to her cheek. “I enjoy it.”

Rey wriggles her toes happily. She loves Ben’s food. Many times she has thanked her lucky stars that the man she fell in love with has such a penchant for cooking. With her love of food, and his love of and skill in making it, it makes for a most excellent combination.

Suddenly though, without warning, he gently flips her onto her back. He looms over looking down at her seriously, his eyes troubled, and she can almost see the thoughts flickering across his rich brown irises. 

“Are we ok?” He asks, and she can hear the quiver of uncertainty in his voice. “I’m so sorry Rey. I just keep remembering your face when I told you it was over. When I sent you away.” His voice breaks a little. 

“Shhh,” she reaches up and runs her hands through his hair soothingly. “We’re good Ben, everything’s fine,” she reassures him. “Just don’t ever do that again, ok? If anything bad ever happens again, just promise to talk it over with me before making any decisions.”

He nods, and she can see the self loathing in his eyes for what he did to her. “Hey,” she whispers. “Enough of the sad puppy dog eyes. I’m here. I’m yours. I’m not going anywhere and I forgive you. We are ok.”

He heaves a sigh of relief above her, and nods to himself. “Okay. We’re ok,” he repeats, as if reassuring himself. 

*

They shower, and then head out in Ben’s car. It’s a sunny morning, the type of morning where the air is so crisp that it’s sharp in the nostrils. There is the chill of a lingering frost in the air, the town having grown sufficiently cold overnight that Ben has had to scrape the ice crystals off his windshield of his car. But even though it’s icy, Rey realises, the mornings are noticeably brighter now, the sun rising a little earlier each day, and the light lingering on a little into the evenings. As Ben drives, she looks at the verges alongside the road. They are studded with starbursts of yellow, white and pink; crocuses which have pushed their heads up through the iron grip of the earth and bloomed in the waxing sun. 

“The flowers are out,” she tells him. “It’s really pretty.”

“Mmm, I can see. Won’t be long until it’s spring, thank goodness.”

“You casting aspersions about the winter weather in the North, Solo?” She asks, playfully.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he replies, grinning at her. 

Eventually they pull up onto a car park close to the bookshop and Maz’s. The secondhand book vendor is aptly named “Turn The Page,” and contains not just second hand books but also boxes of 12 inch vinyl music albums. It feels a little like a place out of time, standing slightly incongruous amongst the row of more upmarket shops, and existing amongst the era of ebooks, chain bookstores and cheap paperbacks online. Somehow this little shop has sustained though, hanging on tenaciously, and there are always customers in whenever Rey goes there. She’s glad, because along with Maz’s and her favourite charity shops, this is one of her favourite places in the town centre. The first time she’d taken Ben there, his eyes had gone wide at the sheer amount of volumes and he’d lingered even longer than she usually did. 

Rey leads the way in, and they are both consumed by the smell of dust and dry paper as they enter the store. Rey inhales deeply. Her favourite smell, just like the stacks of old books in the library basement.

“Hey Snap,” Rey greets the bearded storekeeper, and he nods at her and Ben, giving them a slight smile. There’s a record player behind the counter and it’s currently playing Simon and Garfunkel, jingling guitars and sweet voices threading through the stacks of books in the shop, underlaid with the slight but unmistakable crackle of vinyl. An old fashioned bell sits on the counter for customers to summon Snap when he’s off somewhere in the shop, and Rey is seized by the childish desire to dart her arm out and ring it as she passes, but she resists. 

The place is a bit of a rabbit warren, and Rey always feels a little like Alice being transported into another world whenever she crosses the threshold of the front desk and makes her way amongst the stacks. High wooden bookshelves line the walls and are freestanding in the middle of the floor, placed at haphazard angles and creating a variety of winding pathways through the shop. At the back there’s a set of rickety old stairs that lead to an upper floor where the non-fiction books are housed. As well as the shelves, there’s a couple of worn leather sofas of indeterminate age and origin, where customers can sit and flip through their possible purchases.

“I love this place,” Ben tells her as they wander into the stacks.

“Me too,” she agrees enthusiastically. 

Ben makes off towards the poetry books, while Rey heads toward the science fiction and fantasy section. She scans along the wall as she hums along to the melody of The Sound of Silence playing quietly in the background, pulling out a volume here and there and looking over the blurb on the back before replacing them. The shelves here are supposed to be in some kind of logical order, but Snap doesn’t seem too bothered about maintaining a strict alphabetical sequence and this is only compounded by customers forever picking books up and putting them down where they don’t belong. Rey’s fingers itch as she scans through the books, before huffing in irritation when she finds Frank Herbert shelved right next to John Wyndham. She longs to properly organise the shelf, to put everything in the place that it should be, but restrains herself. Instead, she hooks the Frank Herbert book from its place on the shelf. It’s the novel Dune, which to her great shame she has never read. Perhaps it’s time to remedy that now. It’s an early 90s edition she sees, when she flips it open, which explains the slightly dated looking cover. 

“Hey,” a deep voice breathes close behind her, making her jump a little, and she spins around. It’s Ben of course. 

He looks down at the book she’s holding, before looking back up at her incredulously. “Please don’t tell me you’ve never read Dune.”

“Well -uh...no,” she admits bashfully. 

Ben rolls his eyes and shakes his head and then studies the shelves for a few minutes, pulling out two more books from different places before handing them to her. “The other two books in the trilogy,” he explains as she looks them over. “Might as well get all 3 while you’re here.”

Rey nods distantly, pursing her lips. “I really must speak to Snap sometime about his shelving system. Every one of these was in a different place! He’ll be losing potential business if series aren’t shelved together.” She purses her lips and looks at the shelf critically, before gesturing at it. “I mean, look at it. It makes no logical sense.”

Ben is quiet and when she turns back to him his eyes are dancing with amusement. “You’re kind of hot when you get all librarian-bossy,” he tells her, smirking. 

“Oh shush,” she says, blushing a little and batting his arm with one of the books. “Anyway, what have you got?”

He hefts his rather large pile of books. “Some Mary Oliver. Some Seamus Heaney. A bit of this and that. I need to look through them and decide.”

“You know you’re going to end up buying all of them,” she tells him. 

“Your lack of belief in my self control is noted,” he says wryly. 

She gestures to the nearby couch, and they sit, the sofa creaking under their weight as they sink onto the soft leather. She starts the first Dune book while Ben flips through his poetry books. The music changes, Simon and Garfunkel is replaced with David Bowie, and they both tap their feet along to the music as they sit there happily. 

Eventually Ben gives a sigh and looks ruefully at the pile of books on his lap. “Don’t tell me..” Rey teases. “You’re getting all of them.”

“I’m rescuing them. Rehoming them,” he says, as if they are abandoned kittens.

Rey put her hands up. “Hey, I’m not judging. I’m the absolute worst for rehoming second hand stuff. The real question is: do you have room on your shelves?”

Ben looks thoughtful. “Well...I’ve been thinking the bedroom could use a couple of bookshelves.”

Rey snorts. “You’re going to fill every single wall in that apartment aren’t you?”

He leans in towards her, brushing a soft kiss to her lips. “It seems like a good plan, now that I’m definitely not going anywhere. Well, at least not permanently.”

She loses her smile a little at the reminder that he will be going away soon, the knowledge sitting heavy in her stomach, and she watches as his smile falters a little too. Though it cuts at her that he will be leaving so soon she puts on her bravest face for him. 

“Hey,” she says, pulling him in for another kiss. “Let’s make the most of what we’ve got left before you leave. I just want to enjoy today with you.”

Ben nods, looking thoughtful. “Let’s swing by your place after Maz’s and pick some of your stuff up for work tomorrow, and for staying at mine while I'm away. You can bring as much stuff as you want to. I have no idea how long I’m going to be gone….” He trails off, looking troubled, and Rey tries to redirect the conversation away from his imminent departure. 

“I could probably do with bringing my plants then,” she tells him. The last thing she wants is for her little succulents in their brightly painted pots, that she has tended so carefully, to wither and die while she’s staying at Ben’s. “Though I don’t want to disturb the neutral Zen vibe you’ve got going on at your place.”

He smiles at her “No, it’s a good idea, a splash of colour will brighten up the place, and it’s not as though I’m there anyway. I want you to make yourself at home.”

Warmth suffuses her chest. She knows it will be a comfort to her staying in a Ben’s apartment while he’s away. It will help her to feel closer to him, as though the distance between them isn’t actually thousands of miles. 

“Hey,” he nudges her as she briefly gets lost in thought. “What were we saying about making the most of today?”

She nods, standing with her small pile of books, and gestures towards his own small collection. “Are you going to take those with you to the States?” She asks. 

“Hmm. I’d be a bit concerned about exceeding the maximum luggage weight if i did. Maybe just one or two.” he stands and leans down to kiss her. “I’ll just have to read the rest when I’m back home with you.”

She jerks her head over towards the counter. “Shall we?”

They make their way over and pay up. Rey restrains herself from lecturing Snap on how to arrange the shelves correctly, and there benefits thereof. Maybe another day. Maybe when Ben’s gone she can offer to sort out the whole fiction section for him if she’s ever struggling to fill the days up with things to do. They head out of the shop and by unspoken consent, walk across the square towards Maz’s to get a late lunch. The town centre is busy with Sunday shoppers clutching their bags as they hurry past, and a man stands busking next to one of the benches, playing something she can’t identify, the jangle of his guitar strings and raspy voice drifting through the air. Ben rummages in his pocket as they pass by and flicks some cash into his open guitar case and the man nods in thanks.

As they approach the coffee shop, Ben leans down and murmurs to her. “You said you went to see Maz. I’m not going to be in trouble am I? I’m already dreading the wrath of Rose, I don’t want to add Maz to that too.”

Rey laughs at his fear of the diminutive older woman. “Nooo, she was actually concerned for you. Like I said, it was her who made me realise what I needed to do. I swear that woman has some type of sixth sense about exactly what people need to hear. And she had the most amazing chocolate brownies! I hope she’s got some in today.”

Rey realises with a start that her appetite is now fully back, that she’s actually looking forward to food enthusiastically again. It’s a huge relief. Her appetite has been such a constant companion through her life that it had been super weird not feeling hungry or enthused about food. 

The bright jangle of Maz’s bell above the door announces their visit. The cafe is fairly busy, and a hum of chatter spreads across the space. Rey and Ben queue and order from the staff member on the counter, and Rey asks after Maz.

“In her office,” the girl replies. “Want me to get her?”

Rey nods. “Yeah. Tell her it's Ben and Rey.”

They take a seat in the corner and Ben reaches across the table to tangle his fingers through hers. “Feels so good to be out and about with you,” he admits. 

“I know, I feel the same,” she replies “It was awful coming here without you the other day, thinking we’d never sit and drink coffee together again.”

He pulls her hand forward and kisses her knuckles wordlessly, looking up at her with that intense gaze, and she feels herself falling helplessly into his eyes, her heart full and happy at them sharing this simple moment in the coffee shop. They just sit gazing at each other, like two lovesick puppies until Maz puts a tray down none too gently on the table, breaking into their reverie. 

“Oh, Maz, hey!” Rey says, blushing a little as the older woman places their plates of food and their coffee onto the table in front of them. She just looks between them and raises an eyebrow at them both, before briefly disappearing and returning with a couple of plates with a chocolate brownie for each of them. She sets them down onto the table, and then slides into the spare seat next to Rey, looking between the both of them. 

“So am I to assume that, given the way you two were looking at each other a few moments ago, that all is well?” She directs a sharp look at Ben, and he nods, tight lipped. He looks like a chastened puppy and Rey lets out a gentle snort. 

“Glad to hear it,” Maz says, wiping at an invisible spot on the table with her cloth, still eyeing him. “You’ll be going away for a while though, yes Ben? So I won't be seeing you?”

“Er, yes. How do you know?” Ben looks perplexed and Rey is pretty sure her face mirrors his, though by this stage she is getting used to the woman seeming to know things she hasn’t actually been told. She dimly wonders if she’s some type of fortune teller, if stashed away somewhere in Maz’s office there is a crystal ball or some tarot cards she had failed to notice when Maz called her in there a few days ago.

Maz waves her cloth in the air dismissively. “Call it an old woman’s instinct.” She taps a finger to the side of her head. “I have a sense for these types of things. I can feel that you have some business you need to take care of.”

Ben nods in response. “Well, yeah. But I’m coming back.”

“Well, I should hope so. Young Rey is here, after all. And the man who lets go of her love would be a fool indeed.”

Ben looks down into his coffee mug, murmuring, “I know.”

Maz turns to Rey, placing her wrinkled hand over hers. “Be strong, child,” she tells her, looking at her through her large lenses, her eyes made impossibly large by their thickness. 

“I will, Maz.”

Maz gestures towards the brownies, “On the house.” She points a sharp finger at Ben. “You eat all of that brownie, child, Rey can tell you how good they are. And I’ll see you in here not long after you get back.” 

“Yes Maz,” Ben says meekly, glaring at Rey when she snorts softly again.

And then the small woman is off, bustling into the cafe, dropping a hello here and a warm word there to the various regular customers she passes.

“Child,” Ben mutters to himself. 

“Well, you are to her,” Rey tells him through a mouthful of panini. “You’re not exactly an old man, and everyones a child to Maz. She’s ancient.”

“I like her very much, but she’s kind of bossy,” he responds, and Rey raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Well everyone needs bossing around a little bit sometimes. She obviously likes you too, she gave you a free brownie.” She gestures to his plate. 

Ben smiles up at her, before sipping at his coffee. “That she did. And I have both her and my mother to thank for bringing you back to me. So I guess I owe her massively.”

She looks across at him, into his soft adoring gaze. “You had to make the decision to accept the plan,” she notes. “You brought yourself back.”

*

After they’ve eaten, they bid farewell to Maz and head out to the supermarket. Ben spends a seemingly interminable amount of time carefully selecting ingredients, while Rey huffs a little impatiently next to him. 

He shoots her an amused glance. “I just want dinner tonight to be perfect,” he admits. “I know we’re seeing each other Monday and Tuesday as well, but i really wanted to make you something special tonight. To celebrate.” He holds up a large portobello mushroom to her. “What do you think?”

“It’s...a mushroom?” Rey says blankly. 

Ben rolls his eyes. “I mean what do you think of the idea of stuffed garlic mushrooms?”

“Ummm. Sounds yummy,” Rey responds after thinking for a moment. It’s not something she’s ever eaten before. 

“You think everything sounds yummy,” Ben points out. 

“Honestly, whatever you make will be delicious,” she tells him, leaning into him a little. “It always is.”

She trails along as Ben wanders through the store, continuing to mutter recipes to himself and adding ingredients to their trolley. While they’re at the checkout, Ben purloins some of the boxes which are there for the use of shoppers, for her to pack some of her belongings into, and to make sure her plants don’t get damaged when she moves them across to his place.

Once the shopping is loaded, they head to her small flat. Rey fills a suitcase with clothes, while he carefully lines up her little plants in one of the boxes. When she comes through to the front room, he’s standing by the window wistfully running his fingers across one of the colourful blooms poking out of the vase on the windowsill, a pensive look on his face. 

“The flowers were really beautiful Ben, thank you for sending to me,” she says softly.

He shrugs slightly, as if it’s nothing, before turning to her. “I’ll send you flowers while i’m gone,” he says to her earnestly. “I’ll send you a whole field full if you like. I don’t want you to forget that I’ll be thinking about you every single day, wishing that we were together.”

He walks over and places a soft kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be counting the days until I can come back home to you.”

*

When they get back to his place, Ben creates space in the wardrobe for her and she hangs up her clothes. By the time she’s finished unpacking and organising all her garments and has headed back through to the main living area, Ben is whirling like a tornado around the kitchen, chopping, frying, and adding unnameable spices and herbs into things. He looks like he’s doing at least 5 tasks at once. There’s music playing and, unaware that she has entered the room, he sings along to it, spinning and tapping kitchen implements against the counter in time with the music. He looks in his element, the happiness streaming from him. He looks wild and carefree, and Rey just stands there for a moment at the entrance to the room taking him in. To her great amusement, there’s even a slight wiggle in his hips to the beat of the music. It’s hard to believe she’s responsible for this lightness she feels coming from him, but somehow, crazily, impossibly, she is. Eventually she clears her throat gently, and he whirls around looking slightly sheepish at being caught out. 

She grins at him. “Loving those moves,” she teases. 

“You never saw that,” he tells her. “I don’t dance.”

She walks over and seats herself on the floor in front of the two boxes she has brought with her. “The evidence of my eyes begs to differ,” she tells him with a smirk. “I could have sworn I saw those hips a-wiggling.”

“Well, can you blame me?” he answers. “I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, and I get to cook dinner for her. Just don’t tell anyone that I danced.”

“Don’t worry,” she tells him. “Your secret is safe with me.”

She looks over the two boxes. “I’ve probably bought too much stuff, I feel like I’m properly moving in.”

He stills suddenly, looking thoughtful. “I wouldn’t exactly be averse to that,” he murmurs slowly, looking down into his saucepan. “You know, after everything is sorted.”

Her eyes widen, her face floods with blood and her heart thuds heavily. “I wasn’t hinting!” She objects, suddenly very self conscious.

He puts down the wooden spoon he’s holding and looks her square in the eye. “I know you weren’t. Like I said, I’m not averse to the idea. In fact I quite like it.” He shrugs as if it’s not important, looking down again. “I mean, if you wanted to. There’s no pressure.”

She can’t find the words to reply. Is he actually asking her to move in with him? Move in with Ben? Share a home with him? Have him at her side when she goes to sleep at night and wakes in the morning? Her heart leaps, crying out yes, but her head tells her to slow down, to think it through. They have only just reconciled after all. 

He’s looking up at her steadily again, as if trying to read her thoughts. “Have a think about it. Take your time,” he tells her. “And if you decide not to, well it’s fine and there’s no rush.”

“Oh, it’s not that I don’t want to,” she says quickly. “It’s just...a lot has happened this week already and I need time to get my head clear.”

He puts down his spoon, then walks over and grasps her by the shoulders. “Of course,” he says softly. “I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It was just an idea.” He kisses her forehead. “Whatever you want Rey, just know that you’re welcome here. Always.”

She nods, embracing him and pecking him quickly on the lips before crouching down on the floor to look into her boxes again, filing away the idea of living with Ben away for later review. “Where can I put this stuff?”

“Anywhere you like,” he replies. “Don’t worry, you won’t disrupt my Zen on whatever it is you think I have going on here.”

*

By the time the food is ready, she has arranged some of her many little plant pots along his windowsill, and a few on the coffee table. The splashes of bright colour should be incongruous in the neutral room, but somehow they just _fit_ , looking like they have been there forever. A few of her books have been added to the shelves, things she thinks she might read while he is away. She guiltily pulls out the record player she had insisted on bringing and some 12 inch albums she’s selected, before depositing it on the floor near the dining table. It can go on there after he’s left. Lastly, she puts her toothbrush and some toiletries into his bathroom. Now she truly feels like she has moved in. 

He serves up what is apparently the first course of their meal. “First course?” Rey says incredulously. “You cooked _courses_? You are a saint.”

“Only the best for my Rey,” he says, putting down a plate with a stuffed mushroom in front of her. Cheese oozes from underneath a crisp breadcrumb topping, and she can feel her mouth water as she looks at it.

She tucks in, and it’s garlicky and juicy and unbelievably yummy. She moans in delight. “You’re such a good cook,” she tells him. 

He smiles, pleased, cutting himself a piece from his own serving. “I’m passable,” he tells her. “It’s just a hobby really.”

She shakes her head, her mouth full. “Seriously Ben, you are _good_ at this. If you hadn’t become a writer, you definitely could have been a chef. Mmmmm.”

After he’s cleared their plates away, he brings over two fresh plates, before donning oven mitts and producing a large ceramic baking dish from the oven. He brings it right to the table, sets it down in the middle along with a large spoon, and gestures at her to help herself while he returns to the kitchen. The steam rising from it is delicious. Chicken thighs have been roasted alongside sweet potato, onions and garlic and she can see dark little flecks of herbs in the bottom of the dish which smell distinctly like rosemary and thyme. Ben comes over with a bowl of broccoli and a gravy boat, and frowns at her staring at the dish. 

“It’s not a modern art piece,” he tells her. “It’s actually for eating, believe it or not.”

“Oh shush,” she tells him. “I was just admiring it.” 

She fills her plate and passes the big spoon to him before adding a generous pour of gravy. She closes her eyes in bliss as she eats. “How i managed to land a boyfriend who is such a great cook, I will never know,” she tells him as he ducks his head bashfully at her praise. 

By the time she has finished this course her stomach is fairly full, and she rubs her hands across it regretfully, hoping there will be enough space to fit dessert in. 

He clears the plates from the table, rinsing them then sliding them into his dishwasher. “I cheated a bit for dessert,” he admits. 

“Oh?” She raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Yeah, I bought the ice cream,” he tells her. 

Rey puts on a scandalised voice. “You mean you’re telling me that this isn’t homemade ice-cream? Utterly appalling.”

Ben smiles at her humour. “ No ice-cream maker,” he admits. “Something I must remedy once I come back home.”

“You’ve got enough kitchen gadgets to last you a lifetime!” She tells him.

He brings over bowls of vanilla ice cream, with meringue crumbled over the top and fresh sliced strawberries at the side. “I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as too many kitchen gadgets,” he replies. “Plus, then I could make you whatever flavour you like.”

She smiles. “I am liking this idea more and more.”

*

Rey is thoroughly stuffed afterwards, and she flops on the sofa next to Ben, snuggling up into his side. His arm comes around her and pulls her in even closer to. They don’t bother to put the TV on, instead just leaving some music playing gently in the background. Ben lowers the lights and they just settle into each other, enjoying the softness of each other's bodies and their shared warmth. Rey is drowsy after the meal, and even though she fights to stay awake, her eyelids feel so heavy that eventually the current of slumber drags her under. She wakes later laid on the bed, still in her clothes but with a blanket over her to keep her warm. Ben is propped up on his elbow looking down at her, as she looks up at him dazedly, the mirror image of the way she had watched him earlier in the morning. He’s looking at her as if he can’t quite believe she’s real, as he strokes his free hand through her hair. 

“Hmmm?” she says sleepily. 

“Just looking at you,” he replies, his voice adoring. 

Rey’s jeans are uncomfortable, and she flicks the button open and shimmies out of them, before divesting herself of her top and bra. She shuffles and pushes with her feet until she can slide under the duvet, watching as Ben stands and strips down to his underwear, before joining her. 

She knows that she needs to make the most of this time, that she wants to feel him moving inside her and their sweat slick bodies pressed together. But sleep drags stubbornly at the corners of her mind, and though she tries to fight it, she can't help but be carried into its lulling depths. 

The last thing she feels is him pulling her into the warm curve of his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to move my posting day to Sunday from next week onwards, so the next update will be Sunday 27th December, and on Sundays thereafter.
> 
> Hope you all have a good Christmas holiday season - as much as is possible in these very weird and not-so-wonderful times. Stay safe. x


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter than usual this week - it was originally split into 2 but i felt like that was dragging events out too much.
> 
> I also just wanna say thank you so much to everyone who's been reading and commenting on this. I've not written for a ship this popular before. It's amazing to get this amount of kudos and comments - even though i know the amounts don't come anywhere close to the most popular fics in this fandom - it has been really good for my soul and my creativity, so thank you all. <3 <3 <3
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

When Rey awakes to the alarm on her phone in the morning, she is hit by the sudden disappointment that she snoozed most of the evening and night away, and therefore hadn’t really grabbed the chance to take full advantage of her gorgeous boyfriend. She sighs in frustration, flopping her head back down on the pillow.

Ben is already up, she can hear the distant clatter of kitchenware, and the smell of breakfast drifts through to the bedroom, making her nostrils flare and her belly rumble. She is decidedly not happy about having to go into work, but she forces herself out of the warm cocoon of the duvet and into the shower, standing underneath the heavy flow of steaming water and trying to reconcile herself to the idea of parting with Ben for the entire day. By the time she has dressed for work, her mood has improved only slightly, and she stomps through to the front room, somewhat grumpily. 

Ben is busy at the frying pan, and it looks like he’s making omelette. Despite all the food the night before, her stomach rumbles again audibly and he looks up at her grinning. He frowns a little when he sees the no doubt sulky expression on her face. 

“Oh dear,” he says simply. 

She walks over and stands on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Somebody didn’t wake me up enough for me to take full advantage of them last night,” she complains. 

He raises an eyebrow at her. “Somebody was completely and utterly exhausted and really needed their sleep,” he tells her tartly. 

“Fair.” She shrugs, before pointing at him. “But if you let me sleep all this evening and tomorrow evening, you are going to be in a world of trouble, Benjamin Solo.”

He grimaces at the use of his full name. “The only person who calls me Benjamin is my mother, and then only when she’s very very annoyed with me,” he tells her. 

“Consider yourself warned then,” she tells him, before relenting and sliding her arms around his waist from behind as he tends to the frying pan. “Seriously,” she says into his back. “I don’t want to waste a single minute of the time we have left before you leave. It’s already bad enough that I have to work today and tomorrow.”

He puts the spatula down on the counter and turns to her, hands drifting to her waist and pulling her in close as he gazes down at her. “I want the same, sweetheart,” he tells her seriously. “I promise that I’ll keep you awake both this evening and tomorrow evening, and that we will make maximum use of the time.”

Mollified, she wriggles suggestively in his grasp, before he turns back to dish up her omelette. 

“Now eat up. I’ll run you into work.”

*

He drops her near Maz's so that she can collect her morning coffee, giving her a long kiss goodbye and telling her he will pick her up after work. She grabs her coffee - Maz is nowhere to be seen this morning and she doesn’t ask - before heading into work. It feels strange to be back at the library since everything that has happened over the last week. It seems like an eternity ago that Hux had come to the desk asking if there was somewhere to charge his phone. How blissfully unaware she had been then, just a few days ago, of what was going to unfold. 

Rose appears in the cloakroom just as she is taking off her coat and hat, her cheeks rosy, lips red, and a smile on her face. 

“Kaydel?” Rey asks knowingly, the minute her friend enters the cloakroom. 

“Maaaybe,” Rose says secretively. “The girl can certainly kiss.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet,” Rey replies. 

Rose shrugs off her coat before turning to look at Rey. “Anyway, enough about me and Kay. I want to hear what happened with you and Ben.”

Rey takes a sip of her coffee. “Well, as you know, it worked. He’s on board with Leia’s plan to take down Snoke.”

“Did he apologise?” Rose’s voice is suspicious, and Rey can see she’s not quite ready to forgive and forget the hurt done to her best friend just yet. 

“Yeah, absolutely,” she says softly. “He feels awful about it. Thing is, Rose, he only did it because of how much he cared. These people are dangerous, from all accounts. He had a genuine fear that something would happen to me.”

Rose sighs. “I get it. I just wish he’d gone a different way about it. It was awful seeing you like that, when I came round that day. I felt so helpless and I was so bloody angry with him.”

“He’s angry at himself,” Rey tells her. “I told him that if anything remotely like this happens again, that he can’t just cut and run, he needs to come and talk to me and we will work through things. I trust that he will now.”

“Good,” Rose replies. “So I guess all this stuff has to happen soon-ish huh? When does he go to the States?”

“Wednesday,” Rey replies, looking at the floor mournfully. 

Rose takes a step towards her and puts a hand on her arm comfortingly, rubbing up and down to soothe her. “I’m sorry hun. It’s a shame it has to be so soon after you’ve just sorted things out.”

Rey hums in assent and shuffles her feet. “Yeah, I know. He did basically ask me to move in with him though, so that’s kind of reassuring.”

Rose’s eyes go wide. “Wow. That’s...that’s serious Rey. Congrats! Did you say yes?”

“I’m not sure,” she tells her friend. “I’m going to stay at his place while he’s away, but I want to take some time to think about it. This last week has been hectic, and it’s a lot to take in.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Rose agrees. “I’m going to guess that you won’t be coming round to mine this evening this evening? You’ll want to make the most of the time left with Ben?” 

“Yeah, sorry. We’re going to spend tonight and tomorrow night together. Then he leaves in the small hours of Wednesday morning.”

Rose throws an arm around her shoulder and draws her in close, putting her head close to Rey’s. “Nothing to be sorry for. Look, you’re not alone once he goes away, ok? I’m here and so are Poe and Finn. I still want you to come round every Monday after work, and we’ll make lots of weekend plans as well. I promise you won’t be left all alone.”

Rey looks at her friend, at her sincere brown eyes. She is flooded with gratitude at the way Rose seems to see her deepest fear of the cold embrace of loneliness rising up to consume her yet again, and is working to reassure her. “Thanks Rose. You’re an amazing friend.”

Rose just shrugs and smiles at her, as though it’s nothing, when really, for Rey, it’s _everything_. Rey puts her lip gloss on, checks her appearance in the mirror, and then they climb the steps up to the library floor together.

*

It’s half-term, meaning every school in the area is out, and by 11am the library is teeming. The study tables are at a premium, and at one point a loud argument breaks out over who is going to claim the table that has suddenly come free. Rey watches from the desk as Rose walks over wagging her finger at the students and verbally tearing them a new one for the level of noise they are making, before finally making them just share the table, which is what they should have been doing in the first place. There are so many students there, that it’s like Piccadilly Circus, and there appears to be only a very minimal amount of studying going on. The noise level fluctuates, growing louder and louder, echoing off the high library ceiling until one of the staff throws them a dirty look or a stern word, and they quieten down. And so the cycle repeats. 

It’s hard to be too strict with them when there are also screaming kids running around, their excited squeals echoing off the high ceiling. The children’s library looks like a shelf has exploded, disgorging its contents across the length and breadth of the carpet. Rey spends a good portion of the day picking up the children’s books and reshelving them, while biting her lip and refraining from suggesting that the parents get their little angels to actually put the books back on the shelves after they’ve looked at them. They’d only put them back in the wrong place anyway. 

It’s late afternoon, when the distinctive smell of fish and chips fills the library, and Rey discovers a feast of hot food going on on one of the study tables. She walks over and raises an eyebrow at the students, who look up at her guiltily. 

“Seriously?” She asks them. “You guys _know_ there’s no hot food allowed in here, not to mention you’re making everyone hungry with the smell.”

The students mutter their apologies, before bundling up their food and making their way out of the library. The smell lingers heavily in the air, making Rey’s stomach rumble, and if she had a fiver for every time a patron asked her “Is someone eating fish and chips in in here?” between then and closing time, she’d have quite a respectable sum.

She’s footsore by the time the end of the day comes and her and Rose are heading through the foyer to the front doors. She can see Ben’s tall form lingering outside waiting for her and a smile comes automatically to her face. She turns to Rose, who is pursing her lips. 

“Don’t be too hard on him, ok? He thought he was doing the best thing for me, and he’s been through so much.”

Rose sighs. “I know, I know. Don’t worry, promise I’ll be chill.”

They push the doors open, a blast of cold air hitting them. Ben pulls her in and stoops down to kiss her immediately, before looking warily at Rose. “Hey, Rose.”

“Hey Ben,” Rey’s friend replies, giving him an assessing look. 

“Thank you. For taking care of Rey last week when she needed you.”

Rose nods in acknowledgment. “I’m hoping I don’t need to do the protective friend thing here, and I sort of promised that I wouldn't. But I just wanna say I’m really really glad you’re doing the right thing. I think you know that Rey’s very special.”

“Oh yes,” Ben responds instantly as Rey stands there blushing. He looks down at her. “She’s incredibly special.”

“Good. So you’d better come back from the States, ok?”

Ben nods his head so hard it’s a wonder the top of his skull doesn’t fall off. Rey watches as he leans into Rose and just catches the words as he murmurs into her friend’s ear. “Look after her for me while I’m gone.”

“Of course!” Rose responds, all mock-indignant at the merest whiff of a suggestion that she might not. Rey feels warm inside and can’t help the smile that spreads across her face at the two people she cares most for in the world being so concerned for her wellbeing. It’s a new thing to her this, having people around her conspire to make sure she’s looked after. Even though a fierce little bit of her wants to object and shout out that she can look after herself perfectly well, thank you very much, another part of her realises that she’s not the Rey of old, the Rey who was both alone and needed no-one. She can admit to herself that she does in fact need the support of those who love her, and having that support offered so freely feels really really good. 

Rose bids them farewell after that, and wanders off into the town. 

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought,” Ben laughs.

“Yeah, well, when I told her you’d asked me to move in, I think that went a long way towards her trusting your intentions,” Rey replies. 

A pleased smile grows across Ben’s face. “You told her that?” He says in wonder. 

“Yup. I’ve not properly decided yet though, so don’t get over excited.”

Ben just smiles at her, before taking her by the hand and walking her over to his car. 

*

Rey has fish and chips on the brain after the delicious lingering smell in the library earlier in the day, so they stop by a local chippy on the way back to his place in order to sate her craving. They climb the stairs to his apartment with hot food wrapped in paper burning their fingers and emitting the most delicious smell. 

Ben looks at his suspiciously once it’s finally plated up and they sit down to eat. 

“I have to say, I haven’t yet partaken in this particular English tradition,” he admits. 

Rey is scandalised. “What?! Fish and chips is the best food ever.”

“You think every food is the best food ever,” he retorts. 

“Well, it is,” she answers smartly, watching as Ben tucks in and chews thoughtfully. 

“Okay, it’s good. There’s a distinct lack of vegetables, and I shudder to think of the calorific value, but it’s damn tasty,” he admits. 

“Potatoes are vegetables,” Rey points out. 

“You know what I mean, something that’s not pure carbs.”

“You could have had mushy peas with it,” she points out. 

“Mushy peas,” he says wonderingly. “I’m not even going to ask about that.”

She snorts while she’s chewing, manages to get a chip lodged in her throat, and winds up coughing and having to take some big gulps of water. 

They head to the sofa after they’ve eaten. Rey is impatiently waiting for her food to settle and excited by the promise of later this evening - she may have just eaten a full plate of fish and chips, but there’s another hunger in her that needs sating. She leans into Ben’s side and his arm comes around her drawing her in even closer to his body. She peeps up at him, and notices that he has that little line between his eyes that tells her he’s worrying about something. When he runs his hand through his hair three times within the space of twenty seconds, she decides to ask him what’s on his mind.

She pulls back a little, looking up at him. “What’s up?”

“It’s just...ugh.” he makes an indecipherable sound and runs his hand through his hair again. 

“Is it having to go back to the States? Are you worried?”

He nods fractionally. “Yeah. It’s just, I thought I was done with that place for the time being. Now I have to go back, stay at my mother’s and try and mend the wreckage of that relationship, all while being questioned by the FBI, then there’s the prospect of a trial. All with no solid return date. I don’t like it.”

He looks down at her, and she can see the fear in his eyes. “I’m afraid, Rey. Afraid of facing my mother, afraid of what it will be like staying there. It’s the house I grew up in, and it’s so full of memories of my father. I’m scared that whatever I present at trial will fall to pieces and that Snoke will go free. I’m scared that he will hunt me - you - both of us down afterwards if that happens.”

Rey strokes his arm soothingly. “Leia seems confident that it’s a pretty watertight case, along with your testimony on top of what they’ve already got..”

“Yeah, that testimony relies on the word of an ex-criminal. The defense will make a lot of that fact,” Ben says, despondent. 

Rey sits up and takes his cheek in her hand, forcing him to look at her. “You mother knows what she is doing,” she says slowly. “I have faith in her plan. And, Ben, she loves you. Very much. Why else would she go to these lengths to help you, to help us?”

Ben nods reluctantly. “It’s just...it’s a lot. And being apart from you is going to be difficult. You always make everything feel better, easier.” His eyes have a lost look inside them, and in that moment he looks younger than she has ever seen him look before. 

“I’ll be right there, Ben,” she tells him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Right on the other side of the screen. We can speak as much as you need to, every day if you like.”

“I’d like that,” he admits softly, weaving his fingers through hers. He looks at her with that intense gaze and she feels herself falling into his eyes, just like she always does. “You are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I never thought you’d still want me after, after…” he trails off and she sees the self loathing threatening at the corner of his eyes. 

“Hush,” she tells him. “None of that. Of course I want you. How could I not? You make me feel more special, more cared for and loved and valued than anyone ever has. When we first met, I was still so shut down, I’d only just started to open up to Rose and the idea of having an actual relationship was unfathomable.” She draws his hand up, kissing his knuckles before turning it over and kissing his palm right in the centre. “But you helped me to open up to the possibility that I could love and be loved. You helped me to get stronger and to grow. Now, I don't know a lot about relationships, being that I've had...well...precisely none before you. But I feel like I've got a hell of a good deal here, with how you treat me and how you make me feel. I never had any intention of letting you go.”

He sighs a little at her words, and she guesses it’s relief because the tightness around his eyes disappears and he pulls her towards him for a lingering kiss, before kissing her on the forehead and then on the nose. “Thank you. For everything.”

She just nods, pecking him on the lips. 

“Those poetry books I bought yesterday, I was looking through them today, and there’s a poem I’d like to share with you if you’d let me.” he says tentatively.

She smiles and nods, more than happy for Ben to read to her. She never can get enough of his deep honeyed voice and the way it seems to resonate deep inside her chest. He stands and goes to the shelf, picking out a slim volume with a red cover before sitting back next to her on the sofa. “It’s called ‘You’,” he tells her, looking at her meaningfully ,and she settles back to listen as he begins reading. 

_Uninvited, the thought of you stayed late in my head,  
so I went to bed, dreaming you hard, hard, woke with your name,  
like tears, soft, salt, on my lips, the sound of its bright syllables  
like a charm, like a spell. _

_Falling in love  
is glamorous hell; the crouched, parched heart  
like a tiger ready to kill; a flame’s fierce licks under the skin.  
Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in. _

_I hid in my ordinary days, in the long grass of routine,  
in my camouflage rooms. You sprawled in my gaze,  
staring back from anyone’s face, from the shape of a cloud,  
from the pining, earth-struck moon which gapes at me_

_as I open the bedroom door. The curtains stir. There you are  
on the bed, like a gift, like a touchable dream._

His voice seems to echo in the still air of the room on his final word, and Rey can feel tears springing into her eyes at the spell the words have woven. “That’s beautiful,” she manages.

“It’s you,” he responds to her instantly. “The whole poem. That’s what you are to me, you’re my touchable dream.” 

She can’t do anything then, but to reach out and draw him towards her, and press her lips to his. This wonderful, beautiful, gentle, loving, outstanding man who is apparently all hers, who apparently thinks she is worthy of poetry. How did she ever get so lucky?

As her tongue slides against his, the fire begins to kindle in her belly and she grasps at him greedily with her fingers, fisting them in his shirt. She wants to be overwhelmed by him, to be utterly consumed by him. She wants him to take her and ravish her until there is nothing left of her but the love that burns brightly for him at her core.  
As always, he obliges and gives her absolutely everything that she needs.

*

They shower together afterwards, and he washes her body gently, hands gliding over the slick wetness that sheens her skin, suffusing her already warm afterglow with a deeper heat that makes her realise she wants him again. She wants him over and over tonight, wants the feeling of his body within hers to wash away the sensation of the hours and minutes ticking away. She wants this evening to last forever. They make love again in the shower, and then again later, on the bed, eking out every last sensation from each other’s bodies and necessitating yet another shower which Rey will have to take before she departs for work the following morning. 

She resents falling asleep that night, not wanting their evening to ever end, not wanting the night to turn into the last day they will have together, but her body overcomes her mind, and she drifts away as he rubs soothing circles across her back.

She’s woken by his nightmares, and she decides to try stroking him soothingly, running her hands over his face and through his hair as he twitches and whimpers next to her, and is pleased when it seems to calm him a little. She wonders who will be there for him in the depths of the dark nights when he’s miles across the ocean from her? Who will help hold his broken pieces together while he is under the stress of questioning and a trial? Who will be there to support him as he begins the slow process of mending his relationship with his mother? Much of this he is going to have to do alone, as there’s only so much she can do from miles away. She doesn’t like the thought of him facing this without her, and deep inside she aches for him. 

All she can do is be there for him, just on the other side of the screen. All she can do is let him go and do what he needs to do, for the sake of them both. All she can do is give him all her love before he leaves, give him her bright light to take with him.

She traces the moles on his cheek as he shifts back into a more peaceful sleep

*

It’s a trial once again to force herself out of bed and to get ready for work on Tuesday morning. It’s massively tempting just to stay in the warm softness of the duvet that smells of Ben, to just lie there and listen to the sound of him pottering about in the kitchen. Going to work seems like a huge waste of precious hours which she could be spending with him, the minutes and seconds of which seem to be fast slipping through her fingers. But tempting as the idea is to call in sick, that’s just not in her nature, so she dutifully hauls herself out of the warm bed and begins the process of getting ready for work. 

She supposes they will at least have a good few hours together that night, when she finally finishes working her late shift. His flight is very early on Wednesday morning and he needs to leave his place around 4am to make it to Manchester and check in. Rey fully intends to stay awake all night until he leaves, despite having work again the following morning, and despite knowing that he will disapprove of her not getting a full night’s sleep. Him leaving at that time gives her enough time to get at least 3 hours sleep in, and she tells herself that’ll be enough. It’ll have to be, because on this point she is going to refuse to budge if he challenges her.

She showers the remaining sleepiness away, washing off the sweat from their activities the night before, while Ben busies himself in the kitchen. When she finally pads through, hair plaited into pigtails and fully clothed in a dress and colourful tights, he looks up at her slightly bashfully.

She cocks her head at him, wondering why he looks so utterly sheepish. “What’s up?” She asks, a little suspiciously.

“I made waffles,” he replies. “That morning - when Hux came - you never got to eat your waffles and I wanted to make you some again before...before I left.” His voice is full of an apology and regret, so she goes over and stands on her tiptoes to kiss him soundly on the lips in reassurance. His arms immediately come to her lower back, pressing her into him.

“Waffles sound perfect,” she tells him. 

She sits at the table once the food is ready, and Ben smiles down at her as he slides a plate stacked high with waffles in front of her. Rey can’t possibly imagine how she is going to fit it all in, but she’s determined to give it a damn good try. He sits down opposite her with his own plate, and she adds a generous amount of syrup and squirty cream to her own serving, before pausing and looking over at the doorway suspiciously, daring it to knock and interrupt her waffles. 

“If that door knocks, we are definitely not answering it this time,” Ben says, as he notices her glaring at it. “I don’t care who it is. It could be the Queen of England for all I care.”

Rey picks up her fork and raises her eyebrow. “What if it was your favourite poet?” She asks playfully. “Would you answer it then?”

Ben shakes his head silently, taking a sip of his coffee. “Nope, still not answering it.”

“But what if it was your most favourite fantasy author ever, and they’re there at the door because they’ve come to ask you to co-write a book with them?” She teases, before taking a large mouthful. It’s sweet and delicious, and she moans slightly in pleasure.

Ben puts his fork down and leans forward a little, pinning her with his eyes. “Even if it was my most favourite author asking me to write with them, no, I'm still not answering that door. This morning and these waffles are for you and me alone, and I am determined to enjoy both you and my breakfast in peace.”

“I am flattered, good sir,” she teases, knocking back some orange juice.

In the end though, the door remains mercifully silent, so Rey focuses on filling her belly up. She watches Ben covertly as she chews. He sips on his coffee, picking at his food and she can see that tightness at the corners of his eyes which tell her he is stressed. His imminent departure is clearly weighing heavily on him, and she can appreciate that what lies ahead of him must be incredibly intimidating. At least she’s able to stay here on familiar territory, with the people that she loves and her routines to sustain her. For Ben, this is all a huge step into the unknown. 

After a few more moments of watching him push his waffles around on his plate, she reaches across the table to place her hand over his. “Hey.” He looks up at her, his eyes mournful. “It’s going to be ok,” she reassures him. “I know it’s going to be challenging, but this is going to work. And you may be away for a little while, but once you get back here I promise I’ll make it feel like you never left. Now eat up.”

He nods in assent, eating with a little more enthusiasm and glancing up at her from under his eyelashes every so often, as though he can’t get enough of the sight of her. She can still sense the tension under the surface of his soft glances though, and she wishes that she had the power to soothe away all his fears. But all she can do is be here for him right now and try to reassure him that it will all pan out as planned. 

She understands very little about the justice system in the States, so she’s unable to reel off any facts and figures that might be reassuring. But the one thing that she _does_ understand is both Leia Organa Solo’s utter contempt for Snoke, and her sheer determination to work towards the best outcome for her son. So she holds onto that to steady herself and tries to project a reassuring strength to Ben, and the conviction that everything will be ok in the end. 

*

Ben gives her a lift into town and drops her off outside Maz’s, kissing her softly before she leaves the car, and telling her to have a good day. Rey knows though that, if anything, it is going to be a long-ass day, the way it always is when you’ve got something excellent waiting at the other end of it and are dying to get there. 

Maz is working on the counter of the coffee shop this morning, and looks at Rey sympathetically as she hands her her order. 

“He leaves today?” She asks. And _of course_ Maz knows today’s the day, because Maz apparently knows everything. Not for the first time, Rey resists the urge to ask if she’s been reading the cards, or casting the runes, or whatever it is she imagines it is that Maz might be up to which facilitates her keen insight into other people. 

“Yeah,” Rey sighs, as she takes the coffee. 

Maz nods. “He’ll be back. Don’t you worry, child.”

Rey smiles at her, as she drops her change into the tip jar. “I know,” she replies.

She runs into Rose and Kaydel as she exits Maz’s with her second coffee of the morning warming her hand. The couple are crossing the square hand in hand, looking totally adorable together, and the corners of Rey’s lips can’t help but curl a little at the sight of them. She’s glad Rose has found someone to love. She deserves to be happy. Kaydels cheeks flush slightly as her eyes meet Rey’s, as though she is feeling shy or self conscious. 

“Hey!” Rose beckons Rey over to them, before giving her a one armed hug. 

“I was just saying to Kay that we should all have a get together with Finn and Poe at mine this Saturday. You in?” her friend says enthusiastically.

Rey wavers for a moment. The prospect of spending the evening with two couples, of being the only one there without their partner, isn’t entirely appealing. Plus, what if Ben needs to call her? She should be available for him...her mind whirls with all the reasons why she shouldn’t go to Rose’s that weekend. 

However the image of Ben leaning down into Rose, telling her friend, _look after her,_ his eyes serious, presses its way up to the surface of her mind. She chews on her lip for a moment while Rose waits expectantly. She knows that he would want her to go, and moreover she knows he doesn’t want her to put her entire life on hold for him, knows deep down that it’s not healthy for her to want to do that either. So she decides to start as she means to go on.

“Okay, yeah, sounds good,” she replies finally. 

“Cool,” Rose responds, as they begin to walk across the square together. “What time does Ben leave?”

“About 4am,” Rey replies regretfully. 

“Rey’s boyfriend has to go back to the States for a while,” Rose explains to Kaydel. 

“Ah,” Kaydel responds, a little shyly. “Is it for work?”

Rey freezes, not knowing quite what to tell her friend’s girlfriend, but Rose jumps in to the rescue smoothly. “It’s to do with his old job, there’s a few loose ends he needs to clear up,” she tells Kaydel. She winks at Rey as if to say _Well, I’m not lying, am I?_

“He’s a writer now,” Rey interjects, hoping to steer the topic away from Ben’s previous job. 

“That’s cool!” Kaydel responds enthusiastically. “What does he write?”

“Fantasy,” Rey answers. “He’s writing a trilogy.”

“Amazing, I _love_ fantasy,” Kaydel gushes, all her previously shyness seemingly forgotten as she chatters about her favourite fantasy authors as they walk across the square and into the library.

*

The day passes slowly, the hands of the clock seeming to have inched along only incrementally every time Rey looks at it. She wants it to just hurry up already so she can be with Ben again, even as she knows each tick of the second hand brings it closer and closer to him having to leave. She can’t concentrate properly on anything, and makes several mistakes, before Rose finally ushers her out from behind the desk.

“Go and shelve some books, you’re a liability today,” Rose tells her.

“What? I’m fine!” She protests, but her friend just narrows her eyes at her. 

“Hmm. Go on, before you cause some sort of chaos.”

Rey slinks off and shelves and tidies for the rest of the afternoon knowing her that Rose is right. 

Eventually the interminable day finally comes to an end. When they finally get to leave at 8pm, Rose slings her arm around Rey’s shoulders as they walk through the foyer. “Look, I know it’s going to be hard saying goodbye to him, but it won’t be forever.”

Rey hums noncommittally. 

“I intend to keep my promise to Ben,” Rose continues. “I am going to make damn sure you’re ok while he’s gone.”

“Thanks Rose,” a warmth suffuses her chest at her friend’s concern for her, and she thinks between Rose's determination to take care of her, and Ben’s promise to call her as often as possible, she might just get through this fine. 

Ben must be running late, as he’s not there like usual when she steps outside, so she waves goodbye to Rose and loiters on the library steps, watching some young teens grind their skateboards across the stone benches on the town hall square. Eventually, he arrives in flurry, BMW screeching round the corner at a speed she disapproves of, and she runs eagerly across the road and slides into the passenger seat. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ben babbles. “I was writing and I lost track of time.”

Rey laughs. “It’s fine, honestly. Who am I to get in the way of a man and his craft? I’d rather you didn’t kill yourself in this thing though.” 

“I was worried you’d think I wasn't coming for you,” he admits, running his hand through his hair. 

She turns in her seat to look at him, seriously. “I know you’ll always come for me Ben Solo, isn’t that right?”

“Always,” he confirms,

“And in more ways than one,” she adds cheekily, pleased at her joke when he guffaws out a laugh. 

“That’s also pretty much guaranteed,” he tells her, giving her his rakish smile, before putting his car in gear and setting off on the journey back home. 

_Home_... that’s how she’s begun to think of his place, Rey realises. Her beloved flat still has a warm glow in her mind, but when she thinks of it, it feels oddly empty, bereft of his presence. What would it be like to have him in the same dwelling every day? To wake up next to him in bed every single morning? To have him stroke her head as she fell asleep every night? The idea of living with him is becoming more and more appealing in her mind. She thinks she might know what she’s going to decide, but she keeps her counsel, promising herself she’ll give herself the time to consider it in full while he’s away, before saying anything to him.

*

Later on, when they have arrived back and eaten, when Ben has checked everything he has packed to make sure there’s nothing he’s overlooked, when he has made a final call to Leia to confirm arrangements for the following day, he collapses onto the sofa next to her. It’s 9.30pm, and she can feel the evening escaping from them, time running on relentlessly, as much as she wants it to stop. 

She turns to him eagerly when he sits, sliding her hands around his neck and into the hair that curls at the bottom of his head. She massages gently, pressing her thumbs and fingertips against his skull softly, seeking to release the tension which she knows instinctively is lingering there, and he sighs in pleasure. 

“That feels good. _You_ feel good” he tells her, his hands coming up to weave their way through her own hair. He presses his mouth to hers, and she opens to him eagerly. Her chest aches as he strokes his tongue over hers, and she clings to him as though she will never let him go, losing herself utterly in his presence.

There’s a certain desperation to their kissing and their touching, both of them greedily trying to get as much of the other as possible, both of them wanting to press the mark and the memory of themself into the other person. 

“I want you,” she breathes into his mouth. “Please Ben, I need to feel like I’m yours.” _Before you leave_ is the unspoken ending of that sentence that cuts at her, but she clamps down her lips against it and doesn’t say that out loud now, not wanting to ruin the moment.

He presses her back onto the sofa, and with soft hands, gentle movements and serious eyes, and then he makes her his with every inch of his body. Their lovemaking is slow and deliberate, less frantic than they had just been moments ago, both of them stringing the moment out for as long as possible. Rey’s awareness of time recedes as their bodies move together endlessly, and all she can think of is him, all she can feel is him, all she knows is _Ben_. When they reach their peak together, Rey feels tears start in the corners of her eyes, but blinks them back furiously. He lifts himself off her and slots himself alongside her on the sofa, cradling her head and holding her to him carefully, tenderly.

It’s a while before her mind comes around from the dulled haze of pleasure and emotion, and she’s able to string a thought together again, even longer before she can speak. She levers herself up onto her elbow and looks at him, his cheeks are flushed, his eyes heavy lidded, his hair is wild and he looks absolutely glorious. Her heart aches with love as she looks down at him, and with longing too, even though he is right there next to her. 

She brushes some hair out of his face. “Thank you.”

He frowns a little, confused. “ What for?”

“For being you. For believing in us. For loving me,” she tells him softly. 

“You don’t need to thank me for that,” he answers. “You are so easy to love. I never had a chance from the moment I met you. I’m yours now.”

Rey’s chest fills with warmth. “Mine,” she agrees possessively. “And I’m yours.”

*

As she expected, he objects to her staying up until 4am, trying to insist that while he intends to stay awake and then sleep on the flight, they can lie in bed together so that she can at least get a few hours in. She stands her ground and refuses completely in a tone which doesn’t broach any argument.

“If you think I’m missing a single second of you, you are sorely mistaken Ben Solo.”

He relents eventually, accepting that no matter what he says she is determined to spend every last minute available with him, though he grumbles a little about how she is going to manage at work the following day. 

They lower the lights, put some music on to play quietly, and just lie together on the sofa face to face looking at each other, stroking their hands over each other’s bodies, and talking softly for the remaining hours. They don’t talk about him going away, about the imminent distance between them, about how they don’t know how long he will be gone. Instead, they skirt around the edges of that, talking instead of their plans for the future, of the interests they share, of favourite authors and books, and a million other meaningless little things.

Rey begins to yawn as the hours tick on and shift in to the full depth of night, but she gives him a warning look when he opens his mouth and she just _knows_ he is going to tell her that she should go to sleep. Instead, she goes to the bathroom and splashes handfuls of cold water on her face to try and make herself alert. She does it until the heavy feeling of tiredness stops threatening at the corners of her mind, and returns back to the living area feeling refreshed and somewhat more awake. 

She glances at the clock as she makes her way back over to the sofa. It’s 2am. 2 more hours. She slides into place beside him silently, the weight of his imminent departure hanging over them both, almost seeming to steal all the air from the room. 

He cradles her head to his chest and strokes his hands through her hair, she nuzzles into him, taking these last few precious moments to inhale the spicy scent of him and imagining the warmth she absorbs from his body seeping through her skin and kindling a flame inside of her, a flame which she will use to guide her way while he is gone. At some point, lulled by his presence, she dozes in that half state between sleep and wakefulness, still aware of his body and warmth against her, but her mind freefalling through some kind of weird state right at the edge of waking consciousness.

Eventually, she comes to fully as he shakes her gently. 

“Rey,” he’s saying softly.

“Hmm?” She hums sleepily. 

“It’s 10 minutes to 4,” he answers, his voice full of regret. “I need to leave. The taxi I booked will be here soon.”

She groans, levering herself up, dread blooming in her heart at having to say goodbye to him. It must show clearly across her face, because he murmurs, “I’m sorry,” as he gets up from the sofa. He can’t seem to look at her as he wheels his suitcase to the front door and slings his rucksack over his shoulders. She stands and walks over to him, standing close and looking up at him, her hands on his waist as he rests his heavily on his shoulders.

“I am coming back, I need you to know that. As soon as I can get away, I’ll be here. I’m not abandoning you, not abandoning us,” he tells her, leaning over her with serious eyes.

Tears spring to her eyes and she fights not to let them overflow. “I know,” she says in a small voice. “Just come back safe and sound, ok?”

He kisses her forehead. “I promise.”

There’s nothing really left that either of them can say. Both of them seem reluctant to actually speak the word ‘goodbye’, and so she just draws him down towards her and kisses him, trying to pour all her love, all her wanting for him into the brush of her lips against his. They kiss until they are interrupted by the noise of a vehicle pulling up outside, and letting out a single short beep despite the late hour and the sleeping neighbours. 

Ben pulls back, sighing heavily. “That’ll be the taxi, I have to go.”

“I love you Ben,” she says fiercely, taking a last look at those expressive brown eyes of his. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

“I love you too Rey,” he replies, pressing a final swift kiss to her lips. “Look after yourself.”

She nods dumbly, her chest hurting as he takes a final look at her, then exits slowly, pulling the door closed behind him. 

She runs to the window and looks down at the taxi idling in the car park. Eventually Ben exits the building, pulling his large black case behind him. He takes one last look up at his apartment window, and he seems to be looking straight into her eyes. They both raise one hand in farewell, and then he’s putting his case in the boot and getting into the taxi, and the car is pulling away.

Rey hugs her arms around herself, trying to soothe the ache in her chest. 

Ben is gone. 

But, somehow, him leaving doesn’t terrify her quite as much as she thought it would. It doesn’t terrify her because she knows now, without a doubt, Ben Solo will always, always come back to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem Ben reads out to Rey is by Carol Ann Duffy.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a lot about the justice system in the States, just a tiny bit. So please temporarily suspend all disbelief on that score for the next few chapters xD. 
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Rey only hears from Ben by instant message over the next couple of days. 

She knows that he’s busy, that his feet will have barely touched the ground since his plane wheels touched the tarmac, and that he has been swept up in a whirlwind of events, so she tries not to take it to heart. She holds tight to her conviction that Ben will never voluntarily leave her again, and is proud of herself for triumphing against the insidious little voice inside her that whispers that she’s been left all alone. _He hasn’t abandoned me_ , she tells herself. _He just has a lot on his plate right now._

He explains in his messages that he’s been tied up in hours of meetings with his lawyer and questioning by FBI agents, all while trying to get a grip on his jetlag. She can tell just from the words on the screen that he is both exhausted and stressed. He’s less expressive than usual, his replies shorter and terser, and while that fact pokes at her anxiety too, trying to fan it into a small flame, she resolutely grips onto the knowledge of how much Ben loves her to steady herself. 

She misses him acutely in every way possible. She misses his physical presence and, bloody hell, how deeply she _longs_ just to lay her eyes on his face so much. She didn’t think it was possible to yearn for the curve of someone’s jaw so sharply, to miss the way their hair fell untidily into their eyes, or the graceful lines of their long fingers as they pushed it’s strands back. She never imagined how it would be to hunger for the colour of somebody’s eyes, and crave the weight of them on hers. She didn’t think it was possible that the feeling of someone else’s body pressed against hers would leave such a cold space when it wasn’t there. Her ears crave the sound of his voice in his ears, and her lips the taste of him in her mouth.

She’s hopelessly distracted at work for the remainder of the week, but Rose covers for her small mistakes as best she can. Rey only has to hope that in time she will adjust to Ben’s absence and come to some state of equilibrium between her own life responsibilities and the worry she carries about how he is coping with all of this.

She had hoped to have a video call with him on Friday night perhaps, but she quells her disappointment when her phone remains silent throughout the evening, and occupies herself with reading instead. He hasn’t messaged by the time she drifts off to sleep, and a message arrives during the small hours, full of apologies that he has been caught up in questioning until late on, and asking gently if she is by any small chance awake at the moment and free to talk. 

She huffs in frustration and kicks herself in the morning for not staying awake for his message. Counting back mentally, she realises that it’s now the middle of the night over in the States, and the last thing she wants to do is to interrupt the sleep that he so desperately must need. So she just replies that she’s free until 7pm, when she will be heading over to Rose’s, so he’s free to vid-call her any time up until then. 

She takes a shower, and then spends an inordinate amount of time blow drying her hair just so and applying a scant amount of makeup, before pulling on her jeans and a soft blue top that shows off her small cleavage. It’s ridiculous to be preparing herself like this just to see Ben via a video link, she knows that. 90% of the time in their regular life Ben sees her without make-up, and she has only ever dressed up for him when they have been on some type of special date or event. But for some reason she can’t help but primp and preen in front of the mirror, making sure she looks her very best, as her chest fills with anticipation. 

She busies herself tidying up the small mess she has allowed to gather in his apartment over the last few days of worry and distraction, then settles in with a good book and some music to while away the time until he calls her. 

At 3pm, her phone buzzes, and she almost jumps out of her seat at the sound of it vibrating against the wooden coffee table. She scrambles, grabbing for it, a smile curling her lips as she opens the message and it’s Ben asking if she’s good to receive a vid-call. She messages back quickly, saying give her 5 minutes, before switching on her ancient old laptop and waiting for it to run its endless startup programme. She could use her phone, it would be both quicker and easier, but she wants Ben’s presence to take up the maximum amount of space it possibly can. Maybe that way she can convince herself he’s almost actually there. 

She runs to the bathroom while her laptop clicks and whirs, and smooths her hair down in the mirror before applying some more lip gloss. Ridiculous, as if Ben will care how she looks.

She makes herself comfortable on the sofa, and then makes the call. It’s slow to connect, a circle spinning in the centre of the screen as she waits, and she hisses in frustration, tempted to give her laptop a good smack, but restraining herself. 

Eventually though, the connection is made and the image of him fills her screen and she can’t help the smile that springs instantly to her lips at the sight of him. She leans forward eagerly, her eyes roving over his face. He looks unspeakably tired, she notes with a pang of worry. Large purple shadows frame the underside of his eyes, and he looks pale and drawn. But the wide toothy smile that fills his face the moment he sets eyes on her is dazzling and brings his whole face alive.

“Rey,” he says, and she can almost hear the relief in his voice. 

“Hey Ben,” she replies, smiling. 

He cocks his head a little, seemingly studying her. “Did you do your hair? And is that make up you’re wearing?” He asks incredulously. 

Her face flushes immediately. “Well, it, uh, might be,” she replies bashfully. 

“Not that I’m complaining,” he rushes to reassure her. “You look utterly beautiful, but you know you don’t need to go to these efforts for me right?”

“I know,” she replies shyly. “But I wanted to.”

“And you look stunning,” he responds instantly, and she watches as he reaches out his hand towards the screen, as though he is cupping the image of her face in his palm. 

He’s seated at some type of desk, and she can see books lining the wall behind him, a shaft of sunlight playing across the coloured covers. “What room are you in?” She asks curiously, trying to build up a picture of his location. 

He glances around the room. “The Library,” he responds. “Well, I guess it’s the study as well really.”

“You have a library in your house?” She asks, surprised, before she remembers that Ben’s family aren’t exactly stuck for cash. The vision of a grand house filled with labyrinthine corridors leading to stately rooms filled with dark wood and elegant ornaments spreads across her mind. 

“Yeah, we do,” he responds to her question, looking a little self conscious.

“That’s so cool,” she breathes. “I’d absolutely love my own library. I’d have a room with big windows and plenty of light, a big comfy leather reading chair with a footrest, and an open fire to sit next to.”

“Erm,” Ben responds, his eyes tracking around the room.

“It’s exactly like how I described it, isn't it?” She deadpans.

“Well… yeah,” Ben answers, a sheepish smile coming to his face. He leans forward in his chair. “Maybe one day we - you - will have a library room of your very own.”

The look in his eyes is soft as he gazes at her from thousands of miles away. _We_. Her heart fills with warmth. 

“I miss you,” she rushes out. 

He sighs, wiping his hand over his face. “I miss you too. More than I thought possible. I’m sorry I haven't been able to talk properly these last few days.”

Rey dismisses his worries with a wave of her hand. “It’s ok, I understand, you have a lot going on. How are things?”

He runs his hand through his hair. “Stressful,” he responds. “It’s super weird being back here, to be honest.” He gestures around him. “This is the house I grew up in, I’m staying back in my old bedroom. I kinda feel like I'm 15 again or something.”

“How are things with Leia?” She asks softly. 

Ben looks thoughtful for a moment. “Surprisingly ok,” he responds. “I mean, we haven’t really talked about anything to do with my father, just mostly the case, or about stuff that doesn’t really matter. And - well - she’s been asking a lot about you as well.”

Rey’s eyes go wide in surprise. The thought of her favourite author talking about her, asking about her, seems too weird to be true. “Me? Why? I’m nothing.”

Ben narrows his eyes. “Don’t ever say that,” he replies with some fervour. “You aren’t nothing. Not to me. And not to my mother either. You’ve made quite the impression, you know. The fact that you took the initiative to get in touch with her, that you wanted to fight for me. I think she rather admires you.”

Rey snorts. The idea of her being a subject of admiration for Leia Organa-Solo is so far fetched as to be ridiculous. 

“I’m serious, Rey,” Ben continues. “She’s been asking all about you and about our relationship. Apparently I’m a “damn fool for trying to break up with you”.” He raises his hands and makes air quotes with his fingers as he relays Leia’s words to her. “Apparently you’re “a keeper”, as if I didn’t know that already.”

“Well, it’s good to hear she likes me so much,” Rey replies, a little breathless at the knowledge that the woman she has admired for years has some type of regard for her. 

Ben grins. “She’s dying to meet you actually. She’s talking about coming to the UK for a visit, and she’s already on my case about _next_ Christmas and whether we’re both going to be going over.”

“It’s not even March!”

“I know,” Ben sighs. “What can I say, such is the nature of my mother.”

A natural silence falls between them, and they just sit there looking at each other for a few long moments.

“Fuck, it’s good to see you Rey,” he tells her, heartfelt. He lets out a weary sigh. “This week has been...tiring to say the least. And I get the feeling it’s not going to get any easier from here.”

She’s avoided bringing up the real reason he has returned to the States so far, hanging back and letting him take the lead as to whether he wants to talk about it or not. The last thing she wants to do is bring his mood down, even if she is curious about how things are going with the case.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she tells him. 

“No, it’s fine. I mean there’s not a lot to say so far to be honest. My mom and I met with my lawyer early on Thursday, and we went over things. Then I’ve been at the FBI offices shut into a windowless room with 2 agents and my lawyer for the last day and a half. They need some help with their internal decor, let me tell you,” he laughs humorlessly. “They’ve got a partial case against Snoke and the First Order already, but there’s also a lot more they want to know, I’m helping them to fill in the gaps.”

“That can’t be easy with jetlag,” Rey soothes. 

“It’s fine. To be honest, I'm on edge anyway being back here. I’d rather keep distracted.” He grimaces for a moment. “I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you last night. The questioning ran on forever, and by the time I'd got back home it was already really late where you are. I didn’t want to wake you by calling, so I just sent a message in case you were awake.” He looks apologetic. “Then I slept in a little this morning.”

“It’s fine,” Rey responds instantly. “You needed the rest. It all sounds exhausting. Have they got what they need now?”

Ben barks a wry laugh. “No, not by any measure. At a guess, I’d say I’m going to be back and forth there until mid-next week at least.”

A dull thudding comes through the speaker on her laptop, and Ben’s eyes flick away from his own device, hovering somewhere over the camera as a creak announces that a door is opening. She hears Leia’s distinctive voice resonating in the background, although it’s a little muffled and she can’t make out the words. 

“Sure, I’m just on a call with Rey, I’ll do it straight after.”

There’s a noise that sounds like delight, and next thing Ben is saying “Mom,” in a warning tone. Seconds later Leia’s head appears next to Ben’s, her arms braced on the desk. 

“Rey!” She says, her smile warm and inviting. “How lovely to see you dear.”

Rey flicks her gaze to Ben, watching as he rolls his eyes in exasperation, and she just about manages not to grin at his grumpiness. 

“Hi Leia,” she answers. 

“I was just saying to Ben the other night,” here she reaches out and rests a hand on Ben’s shoulder. Rey expects him to tense up, but he just looks a little startled for a second and then relaxes. “I really should come over to the UK once all this business with Snoke is over. It’s years since I’ve been, I’m well overdue for a visit. And it would give me the chance to meet you in person.”

“That would be amazing,” Rey responds enthusiastically, watching as Ben rolls his eyes again. 

“Wonderful, that’s settled then.” She turns to Ben. “I wonder if your Uncle would like to join me, we could make it a whole family thing.” 

Ben nods faintly before squeezing the bridge of his nose. Leia forges on relentlessly, seeming oblivious to Ben’s long suffering manner. She really is a power all unto herself in person, her presence commands the attention, and Rey can absolutely see why she made a great Senator. 

“I was talking to Ben about this coming Christmas, do you think that-”

“-Mom,” Ben interrupts, loudly. 

Leia’s head swivels towards him. “What darling? I’m just asking if Rey would like to come and visit this year.”

Rey stifles a laugh as Ben sighs with a tenuously held tolerance. “Mom, it’s _February_ , Christmas has only just happened. It's practically still the winter.”

“Well, obviously, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared now does it?”

Ben looks at his mother for a long moment, and some unspoken communication must pass between them about the fact that this is the first time he has spoken to Rey in person since Wednesday, because the next thing Leia is making her excuses and leaving. 

“Well,” Leia says briskly. “We can talk about that another time. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to catch up. Goodbye Rey.”

“Bye Leia,” Rey answers. She watches as Leia gives her boyfriend an affectionate ruffle of his hair, before her footsteps recede, and the door closes.

Rey has her hand over her mouth still, to hide her smirk. Ben sighs, “Sorry about that. She can be...pushy. Overbearing, even.”

“Well she didn’t get where she is in her life by being shy and retiring,” Rey answers, schooling the grin from her face. 

“I just don’t want her to put you off,” Ben admits, his hand trying to flatten his hair where his mother has ruffled it so that it stands up ridiculously. “She can be a bit much sometimes.”

“Are you kidding?” Rey responds. “I think she’s absolutely amazing. I’m not put off, don’t worry.”

Ben breathes a relieved sigh. “Good, I’m glad. Now where were we?”

Rey scrunches her face up while she thinks. “You were saying you think you’ll be busy with the FBI until at least mid-week.”

“Yep, unfortunately...by the way, did you know that you look adorable when you do that thing with your face?” Ben asks.

“What thing?”

Ben scrunches his face up in a poor approximation of her expression just moments ago. “The face you do when you’re trying to remember something. It’s cute.”

“Is not,” she objects.

“I’ll have you know that I’m the world’s foremost expert on all the things that make Rey Kanata cute,” he tells her sagely. “I’ve spent a great deal of time studying this subject.” His lips curl up in a playful smile, and she can’t help but beam right back at him. 

“Anyway, what are you up to this weekend?” He asks. 

“I’m going over to Rose’s tonight,” she answers. “Kay, Poe and Finn are going to be there too... I’m going to be surrounded by couples,” she says slightly mournfully. 

Ben tuts. “You know it won’t be like that,” he says. “Your friends are great. I’m sure you’ll have a fantastic time.”

Rey nods in reluctant agreement. “Yeah, I know that really. And if all else fails, I have a bottle of red, so I can at least get drunk.”

Ben leans forward, suddenly concerned. “How are you getting there and back?”

“Bus, and then probably the late bus home as well,” she responds, watching as Ben’s lips press down into a thin line. 

“Please at least book a taxi for both trips,” he entreats her. 

“They’re expensive though,” she argues.

“I’ll transfer you some money,” he responds instantly, picking up his phone and starting to fiddle with it. 

“No!” She objects. “I have the money, I just think it’s a waste when the bus or walking is so much cheaper.” 

She’s not being entirely honest. It’s payday on Tuesday, and the end of the month is always slightly tight for her. She can afford a cab each way, but only barely, and what if some sort of emergency comes up before she gets paid? There’s a whole 3 days to get through. She’s going to save money on heating for sure this month while staying at Ben’s, but she won’t see the benefit of that until her next monthly bill. 

Ben pinches the bridge of his nose again, eyes still on his phone screen. “Please, for me, will you book a cab? It’s bad enough being away from you. I… I worry about you.”

Seeing the stressed lines creep in at the corner of his eyes, and not wanting him to carry any worries about her when he already has so many other cares he is dealing with, she swallows her concerns and relents. 

“Ok, yeah, I’ll take a taxi.”

He heaves a relieved sigh. “I’m sorry,” he tells her, “I know I fuss. I just hate not being there.”

“It’s ok,” Rey soothes. “I think a part of me is still getting used to people worrying about me. Nobody really gave a crap when I was a teen if I walked home for miles in the dark.”

“Well, believe me, _I_ give a crap.”

Her phone buzzes a notification and she glances down at it. He has transferred the cost of 2 taxis to her. She bites her lip against her instinctive objections. “Thank you,” she tells him. 

He shrugs, as though it’s nothing. “Tell me about the rest of the week,” he asks her. And she does. She leaves out the bits where she’s not been able to concentrate properly at work because she’s been thinking of him too much, leaves out the raw worry that gnaws at her guts when she thinks of him being in the same city as Snoke, leaves out the way the bed feels so much colder at night without his warmth curled around her. Because, she thinks he might know that already, and she expects he is feeling something very similar. 

“Can we vid-call again tomorrow?” He asks at the end of their call. “My mothers dragging me on some sort of walk in the morning, and then we’re going for a late lunch. So maybe around 8pm your time?

“Yes please,” she answers eagerly, flicking her eyes to the clock. It’s 5pm, meaning they’ve been chatting for 2 hours. She really needs to go and sort out first her dinner and then herself for going around to Rose’s. For some reason though it doesn’t feel anything like 2 hours that they’ve been talking. It feels like she’s only been on the call for 30 minutes at most, like she will never get enough of the sight of him there on her glowing screen. It’s admittedly a poor substitute for having him there in person, but it’s something at least, and she is loathe to let this connection go even though she needs to go and organise herself. 

He must read the reluctance to leave on her face, because, “Tomorrow,” he promises. “And this time I’m going to make the call from my bedroom and lock the damn door so that my mother can’t interrupt.”

“Good idea,” she agrees. “I love you Ben.”

“I love you too, Rey. Speak to you tomorrow.” he kisses his fingertips and then presses them to the camera, and she mirrors his action, before ending the call. 

*

In the end she’s glad she goes over to Rose’s, because like Ben predicted, her friends absolutely do not make her feel like a gooseberry. In fact all of them seem well aware that she’s missing Ben, and between Poe’s flirtations, Kay’s shy smile, Finn’s jokes, and Rose’s warm support, she feels pretty damn good for having come out for the evening. 

She gets lost in thought a few times, but is always pulled quickly back to the here and now, her immediate surroundings, and the hilarity that is ensuing around her. She drinks a half a bottle of wine, and it pleasantly blurs the edges of her mind, helping her to relax and forget her troubles. 

She takes a taxi home as she had promised Ben, and is glad that she agreed to it in the end, because by the time she leaves Rose’s it’s raining heavily outside, great big fat drops of cold water that find their way down the gap in her coat collar. She gets wet just going from Rose’s front door to the taxi, and then from her the vehicle to the entrance to Ben’s apartment. 

She dries her hair off with a towel when she gets in, and changes into the cosy pyjamas Ben brought her for Christmas. She wanders around the apartment then, still slightly buzzed from the red wine, running her fingertips over the spines of the many books on Ben's shelves. She pulls some out and flicks through them, the words swimming slightly in front of her eyes, until finally she gives up and makes her way to the bedroom. The wide expanse of the king sized bed looks unappealing, much too big for just her body alone, so she goes to the wardrobe and opens its doors looking over the clothes Ben hasn’t taken with him. He’s left a soft black cashmere sweater behind, one that costs goodness knows what, and she pulls it from the hanger, holding it close to her face and inhaling deeply of the scent of _Ben_. She rubs her face across it, feeling the soft knit of the fine yarn across her cheek and sighs, imagining she’s pressing her face to his chest as she has done so many times before. 

A yawn takes her by surprise as she stands there, and she flicks her eyes towards the green glow of the clock on the bedside table. It’s nearly 1am, no wonder she’s tired. She looks down at the cashmere jumper, considering, before she makes her way into the bed with it still in her hand and snuggles down under the covers. She feels slightly silly, but she forges on and drapes his cashmere jumper over a pillow, then hugs it to her, imagining that she’s holding him close to her. 

She promises herself that she’ll just lie there with it for a few minutes, before hanging it carefully back up. But it must be some type of comfort, because while clutching it to her, she drifts into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

When Rey awakens in the morning, for one split second she thinks Ben is there with her. The spicy scent of his aftershave fills her nostrils, and her cheek rests against the soft knit of his jumper. She groans sleepily and hooks her arm around him, surprised when his body is more squishy than she expected. 

When she comes fully awake and opens her eyes, it all floods back to her. Of course. Ben is thousands of miles away across an expanse of blue ocean, facing probably one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do in his life, and she is here in his bed - alone - snuggling a pillow draped with his jumper to her body. She lets out a heartfelt sigh of disappointment, before looking at the jumper guiltily. It’s all rumpled now, and has a slight stain on it where she must have drooled on it. Oops. She grimaces slightly as she fingers the expensive knit, even as she knows Ben won’t care as long as it has brought her some comfort. Maybe next time though, she’ll use one of his hoodies and not something quite so luxurious. 

She forces her head up and looks at the clock. 10.30am. She’s slept in a little, and feels good for it, but her mouth is dry and tastes disgusting - the aftermath of the red wine. She drags herself out of bed and pads through to the kitchen area, opening the fridge and drinking some orange juice straight out of the carton to slake her thirst, before pouring herself a bowl of cereal. The day stretches ahead, with the promise of Ben calling her at 8pm, and she smiles to herself as she imagines how soon she is going to see his face again. 

The rain during night seems to have washed the sky clean of all the clouds, and the sun shines brightly, glancing off the wet roads and pavements, when she looks out of the window. The world outside looks fresh and clean, and when she opens the window slightly to let some fresh air in, she finds with surprise that the air is much milder than she expected. She leans out a little, inhaling deeply, amazed at the warmth of the sun on her face. 

It’s the first day she’s really been able to smell the first signs of Spring in the air, and it fills her with a sense of life and hope. She squints at the one of the trees whose branches stretch close to the window, and she thinks she can see the first signs of the buds at their tips, a promise of the season to come. It’s such a lovely day, and wasting it by moping around for all of it waiting on his call seems like a bad idea. After all, she coped for years with weekends alone before she met Ben or was friends with Rose, and her loneliness survival skills are still fully intact, if a little rusty.

So after Rey has eaten breakfast, she dresses a warm jumper, jeans, and her sturdy walking boots, makes herself some sandwiches for a late lunch, packs her rucksack and sets off from Ben’s apartment. She catches a bus into town, and then a different bus back out again in a different direction. She’s heading to a large Victorian park she’s been to before, which she knows borders onto a more rural area, offering a number of different options for circular walks. 

She spends the rest of the morning and the early afternoon roaming through the large park, nodding in greeting at the people she walks past. Eventually one of the pathways at the far side of the park leads onto a little cobbled road which is lined on one side with old stone cottages and on the other with a rushing river with over hanging trees. Gradually sloping upwards at an angle that makes her legs burn a little with exertion, the road eventually brings her out into a more rural area, hitting a dead end where the overhanging trees thin out and the land spreads into wide fields. Rey follows the public footpath signs, and at one point she passes a field where brand new lambs prance next to their mothers and play together, rushing and jumping, playing king-of-the-castle on the hillocks of grass, their fleece a startling and soft looking white. She stops here to eat her sandwiches listening to their plaintive cries and just watching them for a while, her heart delighted at the sight of this new life. 

Eventually, she moves on, through a patchwork of fields and country lanes. She passes shady verges that are dotted with the white of snowdrops, and clumps of fat leaves that she knows will eventually produce golden daffodils in a few weeks time. Her mind stills as it always does when she is out walking in nature, calming until there is nothing but her and the fresh air and the sounds of the countryside around her.

Rey stays out for hours, and the fresh sunny air feels like it washes her clean, clearing away the last lingering cobwebs left by the previous night’s alcohol. By the time she has circled back around to the bus stop again and is riding back into the town, she feels fantastic. 

It’s gone 5.30pm by the time she makes it back to the apartment, and her stomach is rumbling furiously at all the energy she has burned off. Her legs ache pleasantly as she showers - the warm water blissful on her tired muscles as she uses Ben’s shampoo, conditioner and shower gel so that the scent of him will linger about her. She brushes her wet hair out and dresses in a tank top and some pyjama bottoms before wandering through to the kitchen to deal with the hunger in her belly.

Despite Ben badgering her about eating well while he’s away, and encouraging her to move on from her habit of making microwave meals, she pricks holes in top of a microwave lasagne, mollifying herself that she has at least switched the oven on and is cooking some chips to go with it. By the time she’s eaten, there’s less than an hour to Ben’s call, so she sets up her laptop and settles herself onto the sofa with a book. 

At 8pm prompt, the tinny speaker on the laptop begins bleeping and blooping, the screen showing an incoming call from Ben, and her heart thuds excitedly. She smooths her hair down and clicks to answer the call. 

The screen fills with the sight of his smiling face, and Rey finds herself beaming right back at him. He’s leaning back onto pillows propped against a headboard, so Rey guesses he’s in his bedroom, free from interruptions as prmised. He’s wearing a warm looking hoodie and his hair has been tamed into some semblance of neatness for the phone call, though there’s one little bit that keeps falling forward over his forehead adorably.

“Rey,” he says warmly, his tone laden with affection. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” she replies, smiling at him. “How are you?”

“Well, it’s been good having the weekend off from dealing with crap,” he flicks his hand as if indicating a distasteful pile of the aforementioned crap somewhere off to his left. “My mom dragged me out for a walk early, then we had lunch at a little bistro where she knows the owner. It’s weird spending time with her, but it was...I don’t know...good? It’s been easier than I thought it would on that score. What about you, have you been up to anything fun today?”

“I went for a walk too,” she replies. “The weather’s lovely here, really sunny. It’s the mildest day we’ve had so far. Spring is really in the air now. We were probably walking at the same time actually.” the idea of them mirroring each other’s activities from across the ocean pleases her. 

Ben nods smiling. “Yeah, it’s been mild here too, feel like Winter's ending at last.”

“I saw some lambs while I was out,” Rey says eagerly. “They were really tiny, so cute. I saw some snowdrops as well, that’s how I know Spring is really coming now.”

Ben grins at her, “Sounds absolutely lovely.”

“Yeah,” she breathes, picking absently at a loose thread on her top. “Would have been perfect if you were here though. That was the only thing missing.”

Ben lets out a sigh. “I wish I could be sweetheart. I miss being around you so much.” His eyes wander down a little, and she notices that her tank top has slipped, exposing the swell of the top of her breasts. She ignores the urge to pull it up, and instead just sits there looking at him with a challenge in her eyes. 

“You look amazing sweetheart,” he tells her. 

“Oh hush,” she replies. “I haven’t even bothered with make up this time.”

She can virtually feel the weight of his gaze trailing across her clavicle and the top of her breasts, a tingle goes over her skin in the wake of his eyes and she becomes acutely aware all at once of exactly how much she misses his body… misses feeling him on top of her ...inside her. 

“I miss you.” his voice has gone a little husky now, and Rey can read the desire evident in his tone. “I miss your mouth and your perfect body. I miss being inside you, I miss your warmth and your wetness.”

Heat blooms between Rey’s thighs as she blushes at his words, and she shifts uncomfortably on the sofa as Ben continues speaking. “I want to feel your mouth against mine. I want to run my hands all over your body, make you feel good. Want to make you moan and scream.”

Rey’s breath quickens, and she rubs her thighs together to try and gain a little friction to quell the rising ache of desire in her belly. “I’d like that,” she says a little shyly. 

“Yeah?” Ben replies. “Tell me what you’d like me to do.”

Her face flushes, and she’s unaccountably self conscious. Of course, when they’ve been together before he has demanded her to tell him what she wants, and she has obliged, hiding her face behind her hair or in his chest. But right now he is looking at her, eyes boring into her and she feels somehow exposed. But even so, the heat is rising inside her, so she gathers her courage. 

“I’d want you to take my top off, and put your hands on my breasts,” she begins. 

“Yeah?” Ben replies. “Show me how.”

Rey is sure her face is beet red, and she hesitates for a moment, having never done anything like this before, but eventually she pushes the straps of her tank top down her shoulders and pulls it down to gather around her waist, exposing her chest to him. 

Ben leans into the camera and lets out a longing sigh. “Show me,” he urges. 

Rey runs her hands over her breasts, squeezing gently. Her eyes flutter closed and she imagines Ben’s large warm hands enveloping her. She teases at her nipples with her fingertips, twisting and squeezing at them, sending delicious shivers all over her body. She can hear Ben breathing heavily on the other side of the screen, and she opens her eyes to look at him. 

He is watching her avidly, a predatory gleam in his eyes. “Beautiful,” her murmurs. “You’re absolutely perfect, Rey.”

She ducks her head, a little shy as she continues to roll her nipples between her fingertips, the space between her legs aching for his fingers, his mouth, or his cock. 

“Do you mind if I touch myself too, sweetheart?” Ben asks softly.

She shakes her head, breathing out a little shakily, “Not at all.” 

The camera tilts crazily as he adjusts himself, and she clearly hears the sound of his jeans unzipping. He arranges himself so she’s looking into his eyes again, though she can tell from the strained note in his voice and the way his breath grows slightly ragged that he must have taken himself in hand.

“I’m so hard for you,” he admits, sending a stab of desire right to inbetween her legs. “Fuck. I want you so bad. I wish it was your perfect hands on me right now.”

She can feel herself growing wetter even as she listens to his husky words, and the way her own fingers play over her nipples sends tingles that seem to travel down her body straight to her core. She wriggles in her seat again.

“Rey,” he breathes, and she flicks her eyes up to him. “Touch yourself with me,” he entreats, his eyes darkening. 

She’s so desperate to soothe the ache inside her that she obliges him, sliding her hand under the band of her pyjama bottoms. She’s soaking wet already, thoroughly turned on by both imagining Ben’s hands on her and thinking of him touching himself right now. 

“Are you doing it?” he asks.

“Y-Yes,” she stutters, as her fingers slide easily between her folds and circle her clit. 

“Fuck,” Ben breathes, his breathing growing even more ragged. “Wish I could be there to feel how wet you are, to slide my fingers over you.”

Rey makes some type of incoherent noise as she rubs tight circles on her clit. 

“I’d put my mouth on you too,” Ben continues. “Lick you until you were screaming.”

“Mmmhmmm,” Rey manages, her eyes roving over his face as she imagines him touching himself to the thought of her. 

“Are you still touching yourself sweetheart?” Ben asks, and she nods. “Does it feel good?”

“Not as good as you,” she says shakily. 

“I know, I know,” Ben soothes. “Just imagine it’s my fingers on you, my mouth working away at you, gods I’d love to be doing that right now.”

A soft moan escapes Rey’s lips, and Ben lets out an answering one of his own. “I’d fuck you with my fingers, and then with my tongue,” he says roughly. “And then I'd hold you down and slide my cock inside you.”

Rey lets out a little helpless squeak at the thought. Even though she’s much rather be with him in person of course, there is something unbelievably erotic about both of them getting off to each other’s image and words from across the ocean. 

“Are you close, baby?” Ben breathes, and Rey manages to breath out a confirmation. 

“Good girl,” Ben praises her. “Just imagine me pushing inside you, filling you up, imagine me fucking you. I’d do it deep and slow at first, draw it out until you were begging for more.”

Rey can feel herself coming close to her peak, and as one hand works furiously in her pants, the other comes up so she can squeeze at her breast and play with her nipple. She can hear herself letting out soft helpless little moans as she imagines Ben fucking her, and her head rolls back and rests on the sofa as her whole body begins to fill with warmth and tingling. 

“Then I’d fuck you hard like you wanted,” Ben says breathlessly. “Hard and fast, filling you all up.” his voice is strained now, and Rey suspects he is near his own release. “Fuck, Rey, I’d give you everything I’ve got…”

His words and the thought of him moving fast and hard inside her send her over the edge, and her eyes roll back as she cries out his name helplessly. Even as she convulses around the space inside her, where he should be, she hears his soft moans grow more urgent. She tears her eyes open to fix them on the screen, watching him as her core aches with pleasure and the aftershocks move through her. 

She looks on as he clenches his face tight with pleasure and moans out his release, enjoying the expressions that pass over his face. They’re both left breathing heavily, sticky fingered and grinning at each other like lunatics through the screen. 

“Well, I’ve not done that before,” Rey begins, and Ben’s eyebrows start to rise. “Vid-sex I mean, silly.”

“Me neither,” Ben admits. “Erm, I kinda need to go clean up a little.”

Rey snorts. “Yeah me too.”

Within a few minutes they are back at their computers again. “Better now?” Asks Rey playfully. 

“Much,” Ben agrees. “Thank you for doing that with me. I know you felt a bit shy.”

Rey shrugs. “It was fun.”

“Yeahhh,” Ben agrees. 

They chat for a couple of hours then, of everything and nothing, just enjoying being as close to each other’s company as they can possibly get. It’s 10.30pm Rey’s time when they finally begin to wind up their conversation. 

Ben passes his hand over his face, brushing his hair out of his eyes, and Rey can see the shadow of what’s looming the following day in his expression. 

“I’ll be thinking of you, tomorrow,” she tells him. 

Ben nods grimly. “I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to talk to you properly again. These interviews tend to run late, but I’ll message when I can.” 

Rey nods in understanding. “I know, it’s okay. Honestly, just focus on what you need to do.”

Ben nods. “I love you sweetheart, so much.”

“I love you too Ben.”

*

A week at work stretches ahead of Rey on Monday morning - that wouldn’t be so bad in itself, except it’s the beginning of yet another week without Ben. Still, she takes a small amount of comfort in coming home each night to his place, running her hands over his things in order to feel closer to him. And when she feels especially lonely, she can always put on one of his soft hoodies that smells of him, even though they totally swamp her and come down to her knees. 

The first day back at work passes unremarkably, and she heads over to Rose’s place in the evening, both of them falling back into their usual friendly routine.

“How’s things?” Rose asks her as she plates up the Thai food that has just been delivered to the doorstep. Rey’s belly rumbles audibly at the spicy scent coming from piles of food Rose is heaping onto their plates. She’d spent too lingering in Turn The Page at lunchtime, caught up in conversation with Snap about helping him out with the organisation of his shelves, and had only had time to grab herself a small sandwich which she had wolfed down on her way across the square back to the library. 

“Okay,” Rey replies. “It’s stressful for Ben, obviously, but I think he’s getting along with his mom much better than he expected, so that’s something at least.”

They carry their plates through to the front room and sit down with their dinner on their laps. Rey has ordered pad-thai and she scoops a forkful of noodles into her mouth, watching as Rose fiddles with a pair of chopsticks, before eventually admitting failure and picking up a fork instead. 

“You spoke to him this weekend?”

“Mmm,” Rey replies, her mouth full of noodles. “Yeah we had video calls for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. I don’t know when we’ll speak again, he thinks he’s going to be busy until at least mid-week.”

Rose stabs at her noodles with her fork. “Well, I hope you get some good news soon about this guy being arrested after everything Ben is going through. His former boss, what’s his name?”

“Snoke,” Replies grimly. 

“Snoke,” Rose echoes. “Sounds kinda like ‘snake’. Apt.”

Rey nods. “Yeah, definitely apt. I wonder what the guy is like, I mean I’ve never seen him, only heard awful things about him.”

“Probably not half as intimidating in person,” Rose suggests. 

Rey shrugs. “Maybe. I mean, he’s become like this boogey-man in my head. But the guy does sound pretty awful. The things he’s done,” she shudders a little. “Probably doesn’t bear thinking about.”

“Well it’ll all come out at trial anyway,” Rose observes. “It’s bound to be all over the news in the States, something that big. Will the publicity affect Ben, being that his mother’s a former senator?”

Rey thinks for a moment, realising that this isn’t something she’s really considered until this moment. “I hadn’t thought of that, to be honest. I mean, there’s bound to be media interest in the case, but I don’t know how much the press will really care about Ben.”

“Hmmm,” Rose hums, before taking another mouthful of noodles. “We’ll have to see I guess. Anyway, sorry, you come over here to forget about this stuff, and here I am asking about it.”

“It’s fine,” Rey replies. “Honestly, it’s good to have somebody to talk to about it.”

Once they’ve finished their pad thai- she and Rose while away the evening lying on the sofa and watching Netflix, chattering inbetween episodes. Rey checks her phone every so often, afraid she has missed a notification, but the screen remains stubbornly blank. She guesses that Ben is having a busy day again, and closes her eyes for a moment, willing strength and courage towards him. It makes her feel better to imagine that her good vibes reach him thousands of miles away and improve his day just a little bit, even though she doesn’t really believe in that sort of thing. 

She takes a taxi home later, knowing that’s what Ben would want her to do rather than risking the bus or walking. It’s late when she gets home, and she readies herself for bed and slides inbetween the sheets, spreading herself across the mattress and taking full advantage of having this huge bed to herself. She flicks through the news on her phone, checking out some of the American news sites. Nothing about Snoke or the First Order at all, not even a hint. 

She turns on her side and her eyes are just beginning to get heavy when a notification comes through on her phone. She unlocks it eagerly, checking the time. 11.54pm. 

_  
Ben: Hey beautiful. So sorry, that went on forever._

She smiles a secret smile to herself, pleased to hear from him before the day is over. 

_  
Rey: It’s ok. Honestly, it’s just good to hear from you. How did it go?_

_Ben: Hard to say. I mean, we’ve must have nearly covered everything we need by now. I don’t know when they’ll make a move though. I’ve got to go in tomorrow, tie up the last few odds and ends, then my mother wants to have dinner, so I probably won’t be back until really late I’m afraid. After that it’s anybody’s guess what happens and when._

_Rey: Well, at least this part of it is nearly over now I guess._

_Ben: Hmmm. It’s not even the worst bit though. The trial is going to be a shitshow, I can feel it in my bones._

_Rey: You’ll get through it, I'm here for you._

_Ben: I know, I just wish you were here_ with _me._

_Rey: Me too. Will you be able to come back before the trial?_

_Ben: I honestly don’t know. They’re discussing it with my lawyer tomorrow. There’s a chance not though. I’m sorry sweetheart._

Rey lets out a puff of frustration as her heart sinks.

_Rey: It’s ok, you don’t have to apologise. I don’t mean to pressure you, I know it’s out of your hands._

_Ben: I understand. You’re not pressuring me. Believe me, I want to come back to England as soon as I possibly can. Anyway, tell me about how you are?_

Rey can feel her eyes growing heavy, after all she has been up since 7am that morning, but she tells him a little of her day. When her eyes finally close and her fingers slide over the screen as sleep tries pulls her under, she ends up sending him a message that just says _ssddfddd_. 

She comes to a couple of hours later, jolting awake and cursing to herself that she had fallen asleep mid-conversation with him. She unlocks her screen to several messages from Ben. 

_Ben: Huh, what was that?_

_Ben: Oh, I bet you’ve fallen asleep right?_

_Ben: I don't know why I’m asking you that, obviously you can’t answer if you’re fast asleep._

_Ben: I'm sorry, I’ve kept you up too late, I know it’s selfish of me, you’ve got work tomorrow._

_Ben: Goodnight sweetheart. Just know that I miss you and love you so much. I don’t know what I’d do if i didn’t have you. Xxx_

__

She wipes her sleepy eyes and taps out a short message.

_  
Rey: Yep, sorry, fell asleep. Love you too Ben, so so much xxxx_

His reply comes back almost instantly. 

_Ben: What are you doing awake, get back to sleep! Speak to you soon, beautiful. Xxx_

She doesn't have the energy to do anything but a heart emoji before she falls back into the black and depthless landscape of sleep. 

*  
Thankfully, by Wednesday, the FBI seem to have got everything they needed from ben, because from then onwards they manage to have a call every evening. It’s the best bit of Rey’s day, that time when the shining screen in front of her beams his image into the front room, seeming to somehow fill the entire space with light, and she can spend a couple of hours chattering and bantering with him. 

The rest of the week crawls by, the weather bright and warmer than it has been for many months. It gets easier as the days go by, Rey notices. Yes, she still misses Ben acutely, but now she can speak to him every night it’s easier not to get lost in her anxieties about how he is coping and much easier to concentrate at work. She feels half useful as a librarian again by the end of the week, and Rose grins at her approvingly when she doesn’t have to pick up quite so many of her mistakes. 

They have sex again - as much as they can at distance - him whispering filthy lovely things into the microphone while she slides her hands over her body. It’s not much and is a poor substitute for the feel of his hard muscled body against hers, but it is at least something. And, Rey reminds herself, something is always better than nothing. 

*

It’s Rey’s long 3 day weekend off, and she has offered to help Snap sort the fiction bookshelves out at Turn The Page. Sure, she’s basically doing her normal job on her day off and any normal person might think she’s crazy for offering her free time this way, but it doesn’t feel quite like real work since she’s there on her own terms. 

“I can’t pay you,” Snap had warned when she called in on Monday to offer her time. “This shop barely turns over enough as it is.”

“I don’t want paying,” she had told him tartly. “I just need something to keep me occupied, and I swear to god the shelves here are driving me nuts every single time I come in.”

So she arrives there early on Friday, coffee in hand. And if she’s not precisely bright eyed and bushy tailed (the fault of Ben and his filthy mouth, which had kept her up until 1am), she’s not too sleepy either and the caffeine is helping considerably. Snap lets her flip through the collection of second hand vinyl in search of something to accompany her work. She selects a Donovan album, then sets to pulling all of the sci fi and fantasy, crime, and romance she can find out of the vast fiction section. It had taken her some time to convince Snap that shelving genres separately was a good idea, but he’d come around to it in the end, convinced by her argument that genre readers don’t necessarily like to wade through piles of books that aren’t in their zone of interest. 

She loses track of time, absorbing herself in the task, her mind blissfully full of nothing but authors and titles, and it’s well beyond lunchtime by the time she notices the rumble in her stomach. She is sweaty, has sneezed at least two dozen times, her fingers are dry as paper from the dust, and she’s pretty sure she has a grubby smear across her right cheek. But she has managed to separate out the genres and they lie in multiple huge piles on the floor. It’s probably a health and safety hazard, she thinks, as she watches customers dodge around them, but there’s no other space to put them. Next is the immense task of moving the remaining general fiction round on the shelves in order to create space for the new genre sections, a task which Snap has said he will help with. But first, lunch and coffee. 

She calls out to Snap that she’s leaving, and heads off to Maz’s, checking her phone on the way. Ben has just awoken and wished her good morning and told her she’s crazy for helping out at the bookshop on her day off. She sends him back her unedited thoughts on that, grinning while teasing him for keeping her up last night.

Maz wasn’t around this morning when she called in for her morning coffee, but she’s there propping up the counter, when Rey walks in. The small woman eyes Rey as she approaches the counter, and shouts out her order to one of the staff before Rey can even open her mouth.

“How you doing, Maz?” Rey says conversationally as she leans against the counter waiting for her order to be prepared. 

Maz squints through her glasses as she looks her over. “I’m doing fine. How’s that young man of yours?”

“Okay, I think,” Rey answers, grabbing a wooden coffee stirrer and toying with it idly. “I wish there was some news though on what’s going to happen.”

Maz’s eyes go distant and she sniffs at the air, as though tasting the air currents, and Rey frowns at her wondering what on earth she’s doing. 

“Don’t look at me like that child, I've not lost my marbles. Not quite yet at any rate,” Maz scolds her. 

“Sorry,” Rey mutters, chastened. 

“Change is in the air, I can smell it” Maz says, as she absentmindedly wipes at an invisible spot on the counter-top. “I’m sure there will be some news very soon. Things have a way of snowballing once they’re set in motion.”

Rey nods, hoping she’s right. All she longs for is that things will actually get moving. The sooner they do, the sooner Ben will be able to return home again, home to her. She thanks Maz as she hands her her order, and takes her food and coffee out to sit on one of the benches on the town hall square. It’s warm enough to eat outdoors now, and struck by a sudden nostalgia, she wanders her way across to the bench that she and Ben had sat on that first day when he bought her coffee. She people watches as she eats her late lunch, and wonders what Ben is up to right now.

She spends the rest of the afternoon moving books around, helped by Snap’s capable hands. By closing time, she is sweaty and exhausted, but filled with a feeling of tired satisfaction at the neat state of the shelves. The next day goes much the same, and by the end of it Rey is exceedingly pleased with herself that the whole fiction section is now sorted into genres, and within those organised into author-surname order. Though Snap doesn’t pay her, he does offer her the pick of whatever she wants from the shelves, and she heads home with a tote bag crammed full of books and with several 12 inch vinyl albums under her arm. 

*

It’s Tuesday when things start to - eventually - happen. It’s Rey’s late night, and she’s on her half hour tea break in the first floor staff room, shovelling some reheated pasta into her mouth. Rose has just left the room with her nose still buried in her phone, and is supposed to be heading back downstairs to man the counter. However Rey hears the clatter of her shoes growing louder on the stone steps again, and seconds later Rose rushes back into the break room wide eyed and clutching her phone. Rey looks up at her in surprise, quirking her eyebrow.

“Check the news in the States. Now. I’ve just had a notification,” Rose commands her, before peeping through the blinds down to the library floor. “Shit, there’s somebody waiting at the desk, I’ve gotta go back down and cover, I’m not even supposed to be up here , seriously Rey, get on it now.” And then Rose is whirlwinding out of the room again, her footsteps echoing down the stairs. 

Rey scrambles in her bag for her phone, her pasta forgotten, and navigates to a reliable American news website. 

It’s there, the top news article in a large bold font, and she catches her breath as she reads it. 

_Victor Snoke Arrested On Charges of Murder and Conspiracy to Murder._

The words glare at her from the screen, branding themselves onto her eyes. Underneath them a sub-headline in smaller font reads:

_CEO of First Order also accused of money laundering, and involvement with organised crime._

Holding her breath and hope surging in her heart, Rey clicks on the article. At the top of the page is a video link, and she clicks on it curiously. She huffs impatiently and taps her foot as the adverts play, before the small embedded video player presents the image of a new york street. Agents in FBI vests litter the pavement, guns in hand, even as one of them ushers back a small crowd which has gathered. Seconds later, two agents lead a man out of the building, his wrists in cuffs. Rey takes a breath and leans in close to the screen.

Snoke looks so much smaller in the flesh than she imagined him. So much more human. Somehow, in her mind, he had grown to become a monster, larger than life and equally as intimidating. Looking at him now though, Rey is distinctly unimpressed. He is much more elderly than she thought, and a sparse amount of silver-yellow hair covers his balding scalp. His skin is an unhealthy yellowing colour, and while tall, his frame is hunched over as he walks. His face has a pinched look to it, and a wide scar dents his skull, travelling down his face and twisting his mouth to one side in an expression of perpetual disdain. For a brief second he turns directly towards the camera which is tracking him, as if he can sense he is being filmed, and he looks directly into the camera. Rey suppresses as shudder as his eyes seem to meet hers, and she tries to shake off the unnerving feeling that he is actually seeing her. Everything she needs to know about him is there in his eyes, they bleed both arrogance and malevolence, and they seem to cut her to the very bone. 

The moment is broken when he turns away as a reporter shouts out questions to him, but Snoke does not deign to answer, just pinches his lips together and puts his head down again as he is led into an unmarked car. Rey wonders who had tipped off the press that he was going to be arrested, they surely weren’t there by sheer coincidence. She smiles to herself when she realises that it surely must be Leia. 

The video stops and Rey begins to read the article below. 

_Victor Snoke was arrested this morning by the FBI in New York in a morning raid at the offices of the private military contractor, First Order. As Mr Snoke was led away, ignoring the shouted questions from reporters, an FBI team entered the offices and began removing boxes full of paperwork._

_A law enforcement source our reporter spoke to claims that there has been an open investigation on First Order for several years now, however the FBI has only now gained sufficient evidence to progress the charges. Our source tells us that this is due to a new witness who has come forward and provided valuable information on the First Order’s activities, though the identity of this witness remains unknown at this time. Potential charges which are being considered include conspiracy to murder, murder, money laundering, and a number of different charges involving racketeering and organised crime._

_An employee of the First Order, Armitage Hux has also been arrested, and several Interpol warrants for First Order employees who are currently working outside of the country have also been issued._

Rey takes a big breath when she finishes reading, before flicking her eyes up to the staff room clock. Dammit, her break time is up and she really needs to return to the library floor before people start wondering where she is. Her fingers fly over her phone screen as she rapidly types a message to Ben and presses send, before rushing from the room to stuff her things in her locker and head back to work. 

_Rey: I’m assuming you know about Snoke’s arrest. Well done my love, you did it, I am so proud of you! Call me when I get in. xxx_

*

Rey fidgets on Ben’s sofa, her laptop open in front of her, as she waits to hear from him later on. He’s clearly engaged in some kind of meeting, because her message goes unread and remains so every time she checks. It’s late before he responds with just a _calling now x_ , and she taps her feet against the floor impatiently waiting for the call to come through. 

She clicks to answer with a huge smile on her face, one which is answered by Ben’s the second his image springs onto the screen. 

“You did it!” She says immediately. 

“Hey sweetheart,” he answers tiredly, and when she looks at him she can see the exhaustion in his face. “Yeah, well he’s in custody at least, as is Hux. I doubt Snoke will make bail when they do eventually charge him. He’s a major flight risk.”

“He can’t hurt us now,” Rey answers. “And we’ll be able to see each other soon!”

Ben’s face drops and his expression grows heavy, and she can see the sadness in his eyes. Her heart lurches a little.

“Ben, what is it? What’s wrong.” Ben lets out a heartfelt sigh and drops his face into his hands, and Rey's blood runs cold with a sudden chilling fear that he’s not coming home from the States, that in fact everything she gambled on was wrong and he is never going to come home again. Her voice wavers as she speaks to him. “Ben, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

He lifts his head and looks sadly into the camera, before dropping his eyes to the desktop. “‘I’ve been in meetings again today. The...uh...the agreement, the deal I have, I can’t leave the country before the trial. I think they’re afraid I’ll get cold feet about giving evidence and just not come back”

“And after the trial?” She asks with a waver in her voice that she hates.

Ben’s eyes shoot back to the camera. “After the trial? Of course, I’ll be back on the first possible flight I can.”

Relief floods Rey’s chest, her worst fears allayed. 

“How long, do you think?” She asks tentatively. 

Ben brushes his hair back out of his eyes. “They are moving to trial as soon as possible. But even so, it will take time. We’re likely looking at a month or so for jury selection and pre-trial hearings. The trial itself will likely last only a week, two at most.” There’s an apology written all over his face. 

Rey sighs, consigning herself to a further stretch of timer without him. But it’s a price worth paying though, one she would willingly pay for both their safety and for Ben's freedom, and she comforts herself with this fact. 

“I’m really sorry, Rey,” he tells her, heartfelt. 

She forces a smile for him. “It’s ok, you’re doing what you need to do and it can’t be helped. Just as long as you’re coming back afterwards.”

“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away,” he says, leaning into the camera a little and grinning. “I’d like to see them try. Will you be ok?”

Rey raises her chin proudly. “Of course. I’ve been through worse times alone than this, and I’m not even exactly alone now cos I’ve got the rest of the gang to hang out with, Rose has been making sure of that. Doesn’t mean I don’t want you back as soon as possible though.”

“I know. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. If only I didn't have all this crap in my past, you never would have had to be without me,” he tells her, his eyes tightening a little at the edges and the smile melting away from his face. 

“Oh shush,” she tells him. “If you didn’t have all this crap in your past, then you wouldn’t be _you_ , and I definitely don't want anyone but the you I’ve fallen in love with. Don’t beat yourself up over this, you’re doing what you need to to make us safe, and I just love you all the more for it.”

The smile returns to his face, like the sun coming out from behind a particularly heavy grey cloud, and her heart skips a little, just like it always seems to whenever he smiles at her like that.

“I love you too, Rey Kanata.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Several weeks pass by. They feel endless when Rey is in the moment and counting the hours from day to day, but when she looks back over them it doesn’t feel like that long at all, and, she guesses, that’s a small blessing.

Her and Ben fall into a comfortable pattern of speaking via vid-call as often as they can, only missing out on nights when either she is busy with her friends or when he is busy with his mother or lawyer. Rose continues to support her as best she can, and to host weekend get-togethers at her place. Rey is glad of both the distraction they provide and also for her strengthening friendships with Poe, Finn and Kaydel. Apart from Rose, her friends still don’t know exactly what is going on. They are unaware that Ben’s absence has anything to do with the arrest of Snoke, only that he has had to return to the States to deal with something regarding his previous employer. Snoke’s name, meanwhile, has been plastered all over the UK news media due to two of his most trusted employees being British. Hux, of course, and one Gwen Phasma, who is arrested on an Interpol warrant while she is holed up in Eastern Europe. 

Rey doesn’t know quite how to explain it all to them, _Hey, you know my lovely sweet gentle boyfriend Ben who you all really like, well he used to be a mercenary contracted to a drug cartel and now he’s a vital part of a case to bring his former employer to justice. What did he do for them? Well he use to torture and occasionally kill people. Yes, really. Yes, that Ben._ She doesn’t really want to have that conversation, and she supposes it will all come out in the end anyway, so she shirks the conversation, leaving either Rose or the press to do that little job for her. 

Spring has truly arrived now; April showers are certainly a thing at the moment in this frequently rainy area of the north of England, necessitating her taking her umbrella out whenever she goes. Every time there is a sunny day though, it’s like the blue sky has been washed clear by the relentless showers, and she wishes Ben was there to appreciate it with her. She wonders what the woodland out on the moors that he had taken her to on their first proper date looks like in this waxing light, imagines how the trees must have unfurled tender green leaves by now, muses on what springtime flowers must be littering the paths she and Ben have previously walked. She feels like they are missing sharing it all together, until she reminds herself that - hopefully - they have years spread ahead in front of them to do this. 

In mid-April, Ben finally gives her the news that the trial will be starting the following week. 

“My lawyer has been having me rehearse being cross examined lately.” He tells her one night, grimacing a little. “It’s not going to be pleasant, that’s for sure. I afraid that I’m going to fuck it all up.”

“You’ll do just fine, I know you will,” Rey insists. 

Ben runs his hands through his hair. “But what if I don’t? If I fuck up really badly then potnetially Snoke and the rest of them could go free. And that doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Rey leans into the camera. “Ben, I believe in you,” she tells him, her voice filled with surety. “I know that you can do this.”

“I hope so,” he answers wanly. 

*

On the first day of the trial, Rey feels like she can’t breathe properly. She and Ben had shared a brief call that morning as she lay in bed willing herself to get up for work. It was the middle of the night in New York, but predictably, Ben was finding sleep impossible to come by, his head full of worries about the day to come. 

They had both laid on their sides in bed, gazing at each other’s images on their phone screens. While Ben looked stressed and drawn, he also looked unspeakably beautiful as he lay there, his hair falling into his eyes, biting his full lips, and Rey had felt the ever present ache that she carried within her since he had left throb painfully. He was full of anxiety and fears, and she had whispered soothing words to him that it would all be okay, praying she wasn’t inadvertently lying to him, and that it would in fact turn out well in the end.

It’s a sunny Monday for once, the air is unseasonably warm and Rey can smell the promise of summer on the breeze. For some ridiculous reason, the heating in the library is on, and that combined with the sun shining through the tall windows makes the place horribly stuffy as the day goes on. Rey feels stifled and weighed down by the air in the library, and that combines with the anxious feeling in her chest, until she feels like she can’t quite get her breath properly. On her afternoon break, she opts to go out onto the town hall square and find a bench to sit on, to take some big lungfuls of the fresh spring air and cool down a little.

As she sits there, she opens her phone and navigates to a news site, eager to hear any news from the trial, though she knows in reality it’s much too early for anything concrete to have happened. What she does find, though, is that Ben’s identity as the star witness has finally been revealed. His name is posted across number of news websites, and is presumably occupying the front pages of the national newspapers in the States. His arrival at court combined with some strategically placed leaks (Leia, she wonders?) have made him the favourite news item of the day. She scrolls through her phone, scanning the headlines.

_Former Senator Leia Organa Solo’s son revealed as pivotal witness in First Order case._

_Scandal of Senator’s missing son!_

_Who is Ben Organa Solo, and why is he so important to the case against the First Order?_

She clicks on the last one, and then on a video box which appears at the top of the article. Footage, which is clearly taken from the middle of a scrum of reporters, starts to play, depicting the stone steps of some stately courthouse. In the video Leia and a man she doesn't recognise (Ben’s lawyer she presumes) flank her boyfriend as he makes his way up the steps of the courthouse. 

The camera zooms in on a grim faced Ben, clad in a sharp black suit that she can’t help but think he looks amazing in. His hair has been trimmed and tamed into some semblance of tidiness, and he mounts the wide steps of the courthouse with long legs, taking the steps two at a time as his mother and lawyer struggle to keep up. He’s clearly trying to get out of view of the press as quickly as possible, and Rey’s heart aches for him as she hears some of the shouted questions, all of which he resolutely ignores.

“Mr Organa Solo! Is it true that you worked for the First Order?”

“Ben! Ben! Were you involved in any of the violent crimes allegedly committed by Victor Snoke?”

“Mr Solo, can you explain your absence for the past few years? Were you working for Snoke?”

Questions are shouted at Leia too, some of them cutting and accusatory. She just gives the reporters a withering look as she sweeps by, as Ben’s lawyer repeats “No comment, no comment,” over and over again. 

The video ends and Rey wonders what exactly Ben is doing right now in that courthouse. Has he been called to give evidence yet? Will that happen today? Is he finding it difficult to sit there in the same room as the man he so loathes? Is his heart pounding, just like hers is right now? 

She scrolls down a little and her eyes widen with surprise at a photograph of a much younger looking Ben in his military uniform. A white hat caps off a serious face, and she can’t help but smile a little at how big the uniform makes his ears look. His service in the military is something he speaks only rarely about, but she’s sure he must have been ribbed about the size of his ears in the marines. Though he is unsmiling in the photograph, her heart still thuds a little at the sight of him, young as he is. The intensity of his chocolate eyes, the pout of his full lips is still the same as her Ben’s. She guesses that this was early on his military career, as his face looks somehow unfinished. It lacks the maturity it has gained with his age, but also seems to be free of the weight of trauma; there isn’t that haunted look in his eyes and he looks better rested than she has ever seen him. As she looks upon the innocent young man on her screen, her heart can’t help but squeeze a little. She wants to go back in time, to rescue him and wrap him up, keep him safe from the darkness to come; but that’s impossible now.

Her eyes ficker down to the rest of the article and she skims it quickly, aware that she needs to return to the library as soon as she can, yet desperate to see what the article says and whether the press is painting Ben as a hero or a villain. 

_This spring will see the return to public life of former Senator Leia Organa Solo’s son, Ben Organa Solo. 30 years old and a former Marine, Ben Organa Solo is rumored to have been living in the United Kingdom until very recently, having followed in his mother’s literary footsteps by forging a career as an author with a 3 book deal to his name. Now, though, he has returned to his home country, and is thought to be a pivotal figure in the trial of Victor Snoke and his associates._

_For many years a fixture in the Senate, Leia Organa Solo’s legacy is one of holding the powers that be accountable for their actions, and fighting for the moral soul of America. Having lost her husband to cancer several years ago, the one remaining member of her immediate family - her son - has remained puzzlingly absent from the picture for some time. Rumours abounded over the years of some type of estrangement, but the former Senator always remained tight lipped on the subject of where her absent son was and what he was doing. Perhaps it was through a sense of self preservation, as it appears now that for at least some of these years her son was working for private military contractors the First Order, a role which would have no doubt undermined the strong stance then Senator Organa Solo frequently took in the Senate on a lack of military oversight, and her exposure of the enhanced interrogation programme._

_Now the prodigal son has returned home, but carrying a dark legacy. Sources tell us that there has been an open investigation on the First Order for several years now, and that Mr Organa Solo was employed by them until early last year. The vast and shocking array of charges against Victor Snoke and his associates speak to why such an investigation exists. It appears, though, that until now the authorities lacked either the weight of evidence or the appropriate witnesses to progress this investigation to any sort of conclusion. Sources were unaware of what exactly prompted Ben Organa Solo to leave the First Order early last year, or what has happened since to bring him to the table to speak out against the military contractor, but come to the table he did. He now stands as a key witness in the trial against Victor Snoke and the First Order, the keystone on which the most serious charges of the whole trial rest._

Rey sighs as she glances up at the town hall clock. There’s more, but a quick skim tells her there is nothing else truly important that she doesn't already know, and she really needs to get back to work. She sets off briskly back towards the library, mulling on the fact that Ben’s name is now spilled across the entirety of the press in the States, and by extension the press in the UK as well. There’s no hiding from her friends now the true nature of his history. She knows without a doubt that Rose will stand up and speak in Ben’s favour, and she can only hope that Finn, Poe, and Kay aren’t too scandalised by this revelation.

While Leia doesn’t seem at all concerned about any ill effects this might have on her reputation, Rey knows that Ben will be absolutely hating all the attention and exposure. All he ever wanted to do was escape away from everything to do with that life, settle anonymously in another country, do what he loved the most in the world, and hide behind the safety of a pseudonym. That opportunity is gone now, and Rey mourns the loss of it for him. 

*

He’s still wearing his suit when she speaks to him later, though by now he has removed the jacket, rolled the sleeves of his shirt up, pulled his tie loose and undone the top button of his collar. He still looks absolutely fantastic in it, if a little dishevelled, and Rey’s mouth practically waters at the sight of him. 

“How did it go?” She asks. 

He shrugs. “Hard to say. I didn’t have to do anything today, I’m expecting to be called to the stand tomorrow.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Honestly, Rey, I am absolutely bricking it.”

She can’t help but instinctively smile a little at the British idiom he has picked up from her, it sounds so incongruous in his rolling accent. Schooling her face into seriousness, she tries to offer him the reassurance he so desperately needs. 

“I have every confidence in you,” she says firmly. “You’re articulate, clever, and all you have to do is tell the truth.”

“The defense is going to rip me to shreds,” he argues. “Everything I’ve done will be dragged out, they’ll use that to try and discredit me to the jury.”

“It still doesn’t change what Snoke has done,” she soothes. “All the prosecution has to prove is that he did what they’re charging him for.”

He makes a noncommittal noise. “The fucking press were crawling all over the place this morning,” he complains.

“Yeah, I saw a clip of you going into court.”

“Seriously?” Ben groans. “I’m not used to this attention. My mother thrives on it, but I take more after my dad this way, he preferred to stay in the background.”

Rey bites her lip at the casual mention of his father. He doesn’t often speak of him. She wonders if it’s a combination of all the time spent in the house he grew up in that has brought him to the forefront of Ben’s mind right now, or perhaps the time spent healing his relationship with his mother. She doesn’t comment on it though, and just listens as he continues talking. 

“There’s all these people trying to dissect my history, my motives, my relationship with my mother and father, loads of them crowding me and shouting questions at me. I hate it.”

Rey nods sympathetically. “I know, my love. I’m sorry you have to go through all this for me.”

“It’s worth it,” he replies instantly. “I would do anything to keep you safe. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t complain, it’s just...a lot at the moment.” Ben sighs deeply and passes his hand over his face. He looks unspeakably tired. “I hope I can sleep properly tonight, but somehow I doubt it.”

Rey remembers back over her previous conversation with him. “You said it would take a couple of weeks at most?” She asks. 

He nods. “If that, it could be even quicker. Though he’ll be sentenced in a separate hearing, but that should happen soon after the actual trial.”

“Then just think,” Rey soothes. At the very most you’ll be back here with me inside of 3 weeks. That’s not so long. And then we can put all this behind us.”

“So long as he’s found guilty,” Ben replies ominously. 

Rey represses a shudder. She has never really considered that he might not be a likely outcome, trusting in Leia’s conviction and the top quality lawyer she has hired for Ben. That state of affairs doesn’t bear thinking about. He _has_ to be found guilty. There’s no justice in this world if he isn’t. 

*

Rey’s not one to shirk from her job usually, not the type to get distracted by messing about on her phone when she’s at work. She’s too conscientious, usually leaving her phone in her locker and checking her messages on her breaks. Today though, the day when Ben is due to give evidence, she makes sure she dons a dress with deep pockets for work, and takes her phone with her onto the library floor. It hangs heavily in her pocket, the swing skirt making it bump across her thigh as she walks, and in the afternoon she steals secret moments when she’s concealed by the shelves to flip through the news. 

There’s a photo of Ben, taken just this morning as he made his way into court. In it he’s looking straight into the camera, unsmiling, yes somehow looking for all the world like a film star in his sharp cut suit with his neat hair. She can see the tightness in his expression, though. It feels like she can see the depth of fear in his eyes, and she wonders if it’s that obvious to anyone else looking at the photo, or if it’s just because she knows those eyes so incredibly well and can recognise and name the many emotions that pass across their surface. 

There’s no real news to speak of throughout the afternoon, and she huffs frustrated every time she checks her phone. Ben has promised to call her the second he gets in and she guesses she’ll have to wait until then to find out how things went. The day drags by, her anxiety making her look at the clock frequently, which makes the time crawl yet more slowly. It’s Rose’s day off, so it’s not even like her friend can help her by distracting her, though Kaydel does come up and find her on the library floor at one point, sidling over to where Rey is shelving some cookery books. 

“Hey,” she says softly behind her. Rey is so absorbed in the dewey sequence that she jumps even at the softly spoken word before whirling around.

“Hey,” she replies, putting her armful of books back down onto the trolley, waiting to see whether Kaydel wants something work related or whether it’s something to do with Ben. The girl looks at her with her liquid eyes, blonde hair braided and clipped to her head. 

“I just wanted to say I hope you’re doing okay at the moment. I mean, I know Rose isn’t here today, and I just wanted to check in with you. I read about...about Ben, about what he’s doing right now. About where he used to work.”

Rey gives the girl a wan smile. “I’m doing ok, it’s just, y’know?” She shrugs slightly. “My boyfriend's name is splattered all over the press and he’s on the stand today. It’s not ideal.”

Kaydel’s eyes soften, and she places her hand gently on Rey’s arm. “From what I hear from Rose, Ben is a really great guy, and he’s trying to do the right thing now. I’m sure he will do just fine. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’m here if you need someone to talk to while Rose is off.”

Rey returns Kaydel’s tentative smile. “Thanks Kay,” she tells her. “Your support means a lot.”

The small girl nods, and then heads off back down to the dusty depths of the archives to do whatever it is that archivists get up to all day. Rey jumps slightly as the door to the basement of the building slams closed behind her. She is extra jumpy today, though that’s not really surprising. 

*

Later that night, she sits sipping a cup of tea with her laptop open in front of her and waiting for her phone to buzz with a message from Ben that he’s ready to call her. A terse message had come through half an hour ago, containing simply the words _Finished now x_ , and she had just sent some kisses back not wanting to get into whatever was wrong via text. 

She crosses one leg across the other as she waits, bouncing it nervously and biting her nails. It can’t have gone that badly, surely?

The laptop begins to sound out its cacophony of blooping sounds that tell her there’s a call incoming, and her hand shoots out to answer the call instantly, leaning forward eagerly, her heart in her mouth. She pulls back a little in shock as the form of Leia Organa Solo fills the screen, shrugging off a coat and unwinding a scarf from her neck.

“Hello Rey,” she says, her face serious. “Ben said you were expecting a call as soon as he got home.” Rey’s heart drops through the floor, and a cold feeling works its way through her flesh.

“What’s happened? Where’s Ben? Is he okay?” She demands, panic rising up through her chest and clawing its way into her throat. 

There’s a muffled shout from somewhere outside the study, followed by a crashing noise. It sounds like something glass or porcelain breaking, and Leia’s eyes flick off to the side for a moment and she winces slightly. 

“Ben is a little upset right now. I thought I’d best call so you weren’t hanging on for him.”

“What happened?” Rey demands.

Leia lets out a sigh. “Well, he gave evidence for the prosecution. That went fantastically well, we had prepared him fully for it and he practically handed them the murder and conspiracy to murder case against Snoke all wrapped up in a pretty bow.”

“That’s good though, right?” Rey asks, her voice trembling a little. 

“Yes,” Leia replies slowly. “However the cross examination did not go so well. They were determined to drag Ben’s name through the mud, used everything they possibly could against him. And, as you know, he has enough of a chequered history with the First Order that there was plenty for them to use.” Leia sighs tiredly. “I thought Ben was going to lose his temper on the stand, I was on the edge of my seat willing him not to. He held it together though, thank goodness, and kept his cool. But once we left,” she grimaces.

“It’s going to be okay though isn’t it?” Rey asks tentatively. “I mean, there’s enough evidence there to find Snoke guilty, right?”

“There is,” Leia answers. “However much depends on if the jury finds Ben a credible witness. So much of this aspect of the trial hangs on his evidence. I know I’m biased, but if it were me sitting on the benches, I would have no hesitation in convicting Snoke after what I heard today, even given the cross examination.” Leia looks thoughtful for a moment. “Unfortunately, I can’t speak for this jury. But I think - I hope - we’ve got him.”

Rey nods in understanding. “Let’s hope so,” she says in a small voice. 

She hears the door to the study make its familiar opening creak, and Leia’s eyes look up above the screen, concern creasing her brow. “Hello darling, Rey’s here, I’m sure she’d love to speak to you.”

There’s an incoherent noise from Ben, and then Leia is standing, bending down briefly to bid Rey farewell, murmuring words that Rey can't quite catch vin a soothing tone to Ben as she leaves the room. 

Then her boyfriend is sliding into the chair, and she looks at him wide eyed. His hair is a disaster, as though he has run his hand through it a million times, like he had been fisting his hands in the strands and tugging at it. His eyes are red and swollen; he has clearly been crying, though they are currently dry and sore looking. His jacket and tie have been jettisoned somewhere along the way and his collar is unbuttoned. Most of all though, she notices a white cloth wrapped around his left knuckle, the bloom of red blood spreading across its surface. 

Rey’s eyes zero in on it and concern floods her chest. “Ben, what happened?”

He hangs his head, not really meeting her eyes. “I might have punched a wall,” he admits. “Really hard. I also might have thrown one of my mother’s expensive vases.”

“Don’t you need to get that seen to?” Rey demands.

He shakes his head dismissively. “It’s fine. I’ll put some disinfectant on it later.” He looks up at her for the first time, meeting her eyes, and she can see the absolute ruin in his expression. 

“I think I fucked it up today,” he tells her. 

“Your mother doesn’t seem to think so necessarily,” Rey argues. “She said the evidence you gave was excellent.”

“Yeah but I went to pieces under cross examination.” He grimaces. “They brought it all up, everything bad I've ever done for the First Order, laid it out there in front of the whole court. I...I couldn’t take it, being reminded of who I was, what I was. I forgot everything my lawyer had prepared me for, all the questions the defense might ask, what answers I could give. I made a mess of it.” He laughs humorlessly. “If I was on the jury, I wouldn't trust me.”

“Nothing is certain until the verdict, Ben,” she tells him with more certainty than she feels. 

He slams his hand down on the table suddenly, startling her, and his voice grows bitter. “It doesn’t matter,” he tells her. “If there’s even a chance Snoke or Hux could go free then it means I’ve fucked everything up. This case was supposed to be watertight.” His voice begins to tremble, and she can see him furiously blinking his eyes against the tears which are beginning to come again. “I was supposed to _protect_ you Rey. I failed.”

“No you didn’t,” she replies, with some fire. She won’t have him blaming himself like this after what he has just been through. He has faced his fears by travelling back to his home country and to his childhood home even though it brought up the spectre of the past for him; he has exposed himself to the press and to infamy, and given up any reputation he might have had; he has stood up in court and met the eyes of his former boss despite his fear and how much it terrified him. He has done all that for her, because she asked him to find another way. She doesn’t think anyone has ever done so much for her before. She hopes she’s worth it. 

“You have _not_ failed,” she tells him firmly. “You’ve faced an awful situation and done the absolute best that you can. I am so proud of you Ben. Whatever way this goes, we will make it work.”

He hangs his head looking down at the surface of the table. “Whatever way this goes,” he echoes hollowly. “If Snoke goes free, his only objective will be to hunt both of us down.”

“We’ll run away then,” she says impulsively. “Go to another country, in the middle of nowhere, hide from him.”

“He will never give up,” Ben says brokenly. 

“Then we’ll keep on moving,” Rey insists. “We’ll stay one step ahead of him. I’m good at running away.”

Ben looks to the camera again, a tear tracking its way down his cheek, shining like a silver trail in the light of the room. “That wasn’t the life I wanted for you,” he says dully. “For us.”

“I’ll take any life as long as it’s by your side,” she replies fiercely. Internally she’s raging at Snoke right now, and she thinks her fury might be such that she could take him on single handedly with the pure force of it. How dare he do this to them - to him? He has broken Ben quite enough as far as she is concerned, drained years of his life, twisted and shaped him into a creature of his own making. And when Ben had at last broken free of the monster he had been shaped into and tried to make a quieter life for himself, Snoke just couldn’t leave well enough alone. And now here he is, her beautiful, strong, gentle man, crying and trembling at the thought that he might have failed her and that they might both fall victim to Snoke’s machinations. 

“I don't care where we have to go, or what we have to do.” Her voice rings with passion. “I’m not letting that fucker win.”

Ben looks a little surprised at the fire in her voice and manner. Good. “But we’ll cross that bridge _if_ we come to it,” she tells him firmly. “Your mother believes that you may have done enough today, and so do I. So we’ll see.”

Ben nods defeated. “Okay. We’ll see.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

Ben doesn’t attend the trial for the next couple of days, forgoing watching the other witnesses give their evidence in favour of hiding out at home, well away from the press. His part has been played, he tells Rey, and he can’t bear to look at Snoke’s and his former colleagues’ faces for a second longer than he absolutely has to. He will return once the jury has considered, and the court reconvenes for the verdict. 

He is beside himself with anxiety though, Rey can tell, his performance on the stand haunting him and dragging down his mood even further. Though he does his best to hide it, it seeps through into their message exchanges and she can see it written all over the back of his eyes every time they see each other on the screen. His hair is a perpetual mess, as though some exotic bird has nested in its strands. He is distracted when he speaks to her, his eyes are tight with fear, and his mouth is perpetually downturned. He smiles so little that it reminds her of when she first encountered him in the library, broody and unsmiling, carrying an indescribable weight on his shoulders. She longs to make his lips curl upwards again, to bring the light and the hope that he so desperately needs right now. But it’s hard. 

It’s hard because the same fear is echoed in her own heart. There is a cold numbing feeling inside her that everything is going to fall apart, that Snoke and his minions will walk scott-free on some technicality. Despite her brave words about how they would simply run away and forge a life together wherever they needed to, Rey knows that in that case she would always carry the perpetual fear that one day they might be found. The fear that somewhere, sometime, even if it was years down the line, one or both of them might meet a bullet to the back of the head, possibly even something much worse. Even more unthinkably, she worries that if Snoke walks from court a free man, there’s a chance that Ben may not even make it out of the States alive, that she will never see him again, never hear the deep honeyed tone of his voice, never hold him close and drink in the warmth of his body. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to just carry on with her life if that happens. 

Rose is having one of her regular get togethers that weekend, but Rey can’t face the thought of being around her group of friends. While she knows she doesn’t ever have to fake a smile or a laugh for them, they are so free and unencumbered in comparison to the heavy weight of dread she is carrying, that it’s too much for her to deal with. Through Rose she knows that every one of them has met the news of Ben’s former life with acceptance, if not a little surprise, bewilderment, and wariness. She gets it. She couldn’t square Ben’s sweet nature and gentle manner with the man he used to be either. Yet, him redeeming himself and putting himself at risk, plus Rey's love and trust for him seems to be just about enough for her friends, and she knows that they are rooting for him. For them both.

So Rey sequesters herself at home that weekend. The weather is quite warm outside, warm golden shafts of light coming through Ben’s big windows and casting blocks of brightness on the carpet. While she knows she should probably get some fresh air, she compromises by flinging the large windows wide instead and letting the late spring breeze move through Ben’s living space. She and Ben watch films together over vid-call, as well as they can while at such a distance, him on his bed and her slumped across his sofa. There isn’t a lot left to say about what’s happening. They can read the fear on each other’s faces enough that neither of them wants to speak of the trial. Instead they make small talk, speaking of inconsequential things in between their movie viewings, both of them determindley not referring to the worry that gnaws at them both. 

The nights are hard. Rey is not one for praying; indeed she doesn’t even really know whether she believes in some distant sky-deity or not. But yet somehow during the long nights that weekend, she finds herself muttering entreaties and promises into Ben’s pillows. Quiet prayers of desperation spoken to whoever might be listening, whoever might deign to look upon them kindly and give them the result that they need. _Please give me just this one thing_ , she begs silently, one night when the darkness feels too heavy to bear. _Just let me have him whole and well, and let us live free from fear._ Nobody answers.

Unsurprisingly, she’s not sleeping well, and the start of her week at work is punctuated with frequent large yawns. The jury is finally sent to deliberate on Tuesday, and she finds out when she receives a message from Ben while at work, stating simply, _Jury’s out x_. Her stomach clenches painfully and her chest feels tight as her eyes run over the text, and she hurriedly shelves the last few books on her trolley, her mind whirling. Rose is manning the desk, and she looks up as Rey wheels the empty trolley back, her brow creasing when she sees the expression on her face. 

“The jury’s out,” she tells Rose wearily in answer to her unspoken question. Rose’s eyes widen, and immediately Rey’s friend opens her arms and pulls her into a close hug, holding onto her tightly, heedless of the various patrons scattered around the library floor.

“I’m scared,” she whispers into Rose’s shoulder, fighting against the tears that threaten to well up and overspill, trying to anchor herself against Rose’s warmth. 

Rose rubs her back soothingly. “I know,” she replies quietly. “I know.” They just stand there for a few moments, but Rey can see through the blur of her tears a few of the patrons throwing them some strange looks, so eventually she pulls back and disentangles herself from Rose’s embrace. Her friend opts to rub her arm comfortingly instead, looking up at her with dark eyes filled with sympathy. “Poe and Finn send their love,” she says softly. “We missed you this weekend. But I totally understand why you couldn’t come.”

Rey nods distractedly. “Yeah, sorry. Just couldn’t face it. Me and Ben spent most of the weekend watching movies together.”

Rose nods in understanding. “Probably the distraction you both needed. When will you know?”

Rey shrugs, “It depends entirely on the jury. I really have no idea, but as soon as possible I hope. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad sign if they come back quickly. Or if they take ages.” She wants to stamp her foot in frustration, but stops herself and brings her voice to a whisper to stop it rising and echoing from the high library ceiling. “I don’t know enough about _anything_ to do with the system over there. I don’t know what to say to reassure Ben when I’m so scared myself that things are going to go sideways. I don’t know what I can do to help. I...I just feel so _useless_.” The tears that have been threatening finally leak free and begin to roll down her cheeks.

Rose looks at her for a moment, then calls over one of their colleagues who is shelving, asking them to watch the desk for a while. Then she takes Rey’s hand and drags her over to the door to the staff area, pulling her in and letting the door swing closed behind them. She stands in front of Rey and puts her hand on her shoulders, leaning forward and looking at her, her eyes serious. Rey sniffles and wipes her tears away with her fingers.

“You are _not_ useless,” Rose says emphatically, her hands a comforting weight on Rey’s shoulders, grounding her. “You have done everything you possibly can to support Ben. You _saved_ him from going back to the First Order, remember? If it wasn’t for you he would be off now doing goodness knows what, and both of you miserable as hell.”

Rey nods reluctantly as Rose fishes in her pocket then hands her a tissue. 

“Look, I can’t say how the jury is going to decide, but given what I’ve read online about the things he’s done, they would be _nuts_ not to convict,” her friend continues. 

“And if they don’t?” Rey asks, her voice small and shaky. 

Rose sighs and frowns. “If they don’t then, and that’s a big if, then I’ll be here to support you and help you decide what to do next.”

“I’m not leaving Ben,” Rey replies adamantly. 

Rose rolls her eyes. “Of course not, I know that you’re not leaving Ben. I just want you to know that whatever happens I’ll be here to support you, always. As will all the others.”

Rey’s heart eases a little at Rose’s words, heartened by the thought that there are people who actually _want_ to be here for her. It’s a comfort, even though it will be no good to her in the end. Because if the worst happens, then she will have to leave them all behind and likely never see any of them again. The thought stings. 

Rey nods and wipes her nose. “Thanks Rose. That means a lot. Sorry I'm such a mess.”

“Oh shush.” her friend rubs her hands down her arms in comfort. “No sorries. You have every right in the world to be a mess, I don’t think I would be any better in your shoes. Look, it’s your late night, why don’t you see if you can get an early finish? I’m sure the boss will let you leave around 5pm once it quietens down. It’s not exactly as though we’re busy in the evenings.”

Rey snorts, that’s an understatement, the library is eerily quiet some evenings, and to be honest she’s not really needed. She thinks for a moment. “That might be a good idea actually,” she says slowly. “Usually I need the distraction of being here, but it’s not really working out today.”

“Okay, excellent,” Rose replies. “You go and get that sorted, and I’ll man the desk now, ok? You go off and do some shelving or tidying until you can go. Goodness knows, you don’t want to be dealing with the general public at a time like this.”

Rey dries the remainder of her tears with the tissue Rose had given her, and nods. “Thanks.”

Rose shrugs. “It’s what friends do.”

*

Rey’s boss takes one look at her tearstained face and strained expression and immediately grants her an early finish, so she arrives back at Ben's around 5.30pm. She’s heard nothing from him yet, but she does know him and his mother have gone into the city today in case the court is called back into session. Her nails are bitten down to the quick, her heart hammers like a drum, and she wonders what state Ben is in right now. The jury have been deliberating since early in the morning, and like she’d told Rose, she has no idea whether or not this is a good or bad thing. 

Rey makes a small serving of basic pasta for dinner, and then turns her attention to the available snacks. In situations like these, food is always a big comfort to her and so she rummages her way through the kitchen cupboards like a scavenger. She knows it’s probably not the greatest of ideas eating her feelings, but what the hell. If there was ever a time that called for it, this is it. So it is that she finds herself crosslegged on Ben’s sofa with a packet of cookies, a bag of salt and vinegar crisps, and a huge bowl filled with raspberry ripple ice cream with a generous helping of chocolate sauce and a spoon sticking out of the mound of icy deliciousness. She opens her laptop and switches it, ready for Ben’s call whenever it comes. Her mind flutters from one worry to another like a nervous bird, and she needs distraction, so she puts on some trashy TV, something so mindless she only half watches and barely takes any of it in as she eats.

She can’t help but check her phone compulsively, both for messages from Ben and for relevant news headlines, but for a long while there is nothing. Eventually, her belly full with sticky sweetness, she pulls a blanket over herself and lays her head against the armrest of the sofa as she stares glazedly at the TV. Going to sleep is the last thing she intends, but the sleeplessness of the previous night catches up with her eventually, her eyes slide close and she slumbers. 

_She is running and running through an endless labyrinth of tunnels. They twist and turn darkly, the walls shining with moisture, and a dank damp smell fills her nose with each desperate breath. Dim lights flicker on the ceiling, casting a strange eldritch glow that barely lights her way. A large warm hand is wrapped around her own and tugging her forward, ever onwards. But her legs are exhausted, her feet sore, and she feels like she’s been running forever and is at the very end of her endurance. She stumbles over a small rock on the path and comes to a stop. She ignores the insistent pull on her arm, just trying to catch her breath for a moment and gather her strength. She knows deep inside that she - they - need to keep going, that they can never stop, never rest, lest the dark presence that haunts them catches up with them. She can feel it now, pulling closer behind them, a heavy and ominous blackness that carries within it the promise of searing pain and endless grief._

_She looks up then, to the person tugging her hand. It’s Ben of course, his brown eyes wide with panic. “Come on, we need to go,” he urges her, tugging on her hand. “Please Rey.”_

_She tries to move again then, but her legs have turned into heavy weights and will barely shift. She fights to lift them from the floor, but it’s like righting a rip-tide, every time she manages to move an inch her feet are dragged back down and glued to the floor again. She strains as hard as she can but the air seems to have thickened, making it virtually impossible for her to bring her feet forwards._

_“I- I can’t move!” She says in terror._

_“You have to. Please Rey.” Ben looks over her shoulder, into the air behind her. “Oh god, he’s coming.” His voice is filled with a raw desperation that strikes cold fear right at the very heart of her. “Please Rey, you have to move!”_

_But it’s useless, no matter how much she strains and sweats, no matter that there is a storm of pain and horror coming for them, she cannot move. She looks up at the love of her life desperately, taking in one last look of his gorgeous face. “Just go. Save yourself,” she says brokenly, her voice nearly failing._

_Ben’s face flashes with anger, and he sets his jaw stubbornly. “No, I’m not leaving you.”_

_“Please Ben, go, run,” she tells him urgently. “It doesn’t matter as long as I know you’re okay.”_

_She can feel the dark presence drawing closer, and terror claws at her throat. Terror for herself, but moreover, for Ben. “Just go,” she urges him desperately. “Run!”_

_“No,” he insists grimly. “Together. Or not at all.”_

_Then he wraps his arms around her and she hides his face in her chest, her back prickling with the sensation of the presence growing close. The lights on the grimy tunnel ceiling start to flash erratically, and an alarm begins to sound, as though announcing the malevolent presence she can sense growing near. Rey squeezes her eyes tight shut, shuddering as she feels a cold touch on her shoulder, the alarms blaring in her ears-_

-she jerks awake suddenly, her heart pounding, and instinctively wipes the drool from the side of her mouth. “Ugh.”

There’s still a beeping sound, like the alarm in her dream, and she looks around wildly for a moment, disoriented and trying to get her bearings. Finally, everything clicks in her place, and her eyes flash to the laptop which is showing an incoming call from Ben, blooping and bleeping in its insistence that she answers. She presses her phone screen briefly to check the time, and sees that she’s had 6 missed messages and 3 missed calls from Ben. Her heart drops through the floor and fear shudders through. She clicks to answer the call and the little circle icon spins endlessly as her ancient laptop tries to connect. She bites her lip so hard she’s surprised it doesn’t bleed. 

Eventually, the call connects and Ben’s image appears on screen. His face looks serious and worried, and for a moment it feels like her heart actually stops altogether. In a split second though, she must appear on Ben’s screen, as everything changes. He smiles at her widely, his face flooded with relief. 

“Oh Rey, thank god. You didn’t reply to any of my messages or the first couple of calls, then I remembered that you’d been working late and I started to panic.”

“Sorry, fell asleep,” Rey says remorsefully. “Tell me,” she demands. 

Ben smiles widely, showing her all his teeth, and she thinks it might be the most free and easy smile she’s ever seen from him. He’s smiled at her countless times in the months that they’ve been together. But there is something utterly radiant about his face right now, as though light is shining from it, beaming directly into her heart and soul. There’s something utterly unburdened in it, and she clenches her fist trying to get a grip on the rising sense of relief she feels inside her. 

“Guilty,” Ben says triumphantly. “Guilty on all counts. Not just him, but the whole lot of them, Hux and Phasma too. They are all going away for a good long time.”

The most fantastic flood of relief spreads through Rey, and she’s filled with such a surge of energy that she can’t help but jump to her feet and squeal in delight, bouncing up and down on her toes. Ben laughs at her antics, an easy full bellied laugh, and the sound of it is like music in her ears. Eventually she sits down again, slightly out of breath from her exertions. She leans towards the screen, running her eyes over his beautiful face, her wide smile answering his own. Her chest feels as though it will burst with pride. 

“Well done, my love. You did it,” she tells him fervently. 

“Apparently so,” he says, a slightly bemused smile on his face, as though he can’t quite believe what’s happened. 

“I knew you could do it,” she says with no small amount of passion. “My Ben. I’m so proud of you.” 

Tears of love and relief are springing to her eyes now and spilling over, making warm trails down her cheeks. They are free. Really, truly free, and it’s completely exhilarating and overwhelming. Rey wants nothing more in that moment to sweep him into her arms and kiss him desperately, to show him with her lips and her tongue just exactly how proud she is of him, but she has to content herself with just reaching out and touching her laptop, trailing her index finger down the side of his face where it appears on the screen. 

Ben ducks his head a little, bashful. “Yeah, well I don’t think I did quite as well as I should have done. But it seems that I did enough to convince them.”

“You did perfectly,” she tells him. “It’s amazing. You did exactly what you needed to do.”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Ben replies wonderingly. 

Rey picks up her phone. “I’m sorry I missed your messages and your first couple of calls,” she says, apologetic. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She swipes to open the screen and scans her eyes over the messages. The first was clearly sent just after he got out of the court house. 

_Ben: GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS!!!_

_Ben: Rey, did you get that? It worked, he’s going down!_

_Ben: Sweetheart, are you there?_

There’s a long gap when he must have been travelling home, and then:

_Ben: Are you ok? Please answer me, I need to know that you’re ok._

_Ben: I’m going to call you._

_Ben: Please please be ok. I love you._

Rey winces guiltily. “Oops, sorry.”

Ben waves his hand as though it’s nothing. “It’s fine, as long as you’re okay. Oh god Rey, I can’t believe that everything is actually going to be alright. He’s done. Finished. There’s nothing he can ever do to hurt us now. We can go wherever we want, do whatever we want, and we won’t have to worry.”

The only place Rey wants to be is right where she is now, and the only thing she wants to do is have Ben there right next to her, solid and in the flesh, and she tells him exactly that. 

“Sentencing is tomorrow afternoon,” he tells her. “I want to be here for that, I need to see his face when the prison term is handed down. I...I know this sounds silly but it all still feels like a dream somehow, that we won. I need to be there to see that it’s real, that he’s really going away. Then there are a few loose ends I need to tie up with my mom, but I promise you that I will book a flight tonight and that I will be back with you on Friday at the very latest.”

Rey’s heart leaps with joy. That’s only 3 days away, and she finds it hard to believe that she will actually be holding Ben in her arms again in less than 72 hours. “Friday? Really?” she says eagerly, scarcely daring to believe it.

“Yes, I promise,” he tells her. “I don’t want to be away from you for a single second longer than I absolutely have to.”

Rey can’t help but bounce in her seat a little, and she wiggles her toes in delight, her mind spinning as the vast horizon of possibility that is the rest of their lives together spreads out before her. 

“I can’t wait.”

“Me neither.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final main chapter! Just 2 epilogues to come after this <3
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

On the day of the sentencing, Rey’s eyes crack open well before dawn, the nervous excitement in her belly making her wakeful much earlier than she usually would be. Despite tossing and turning for a while, trying to slip back under, sleep continues to elude her, so she decides to spend some time reading up on the Judge presiding over Snoke’s case.

By the time the rays of morning light creep tentatively around the edges of the blinds, Rey knows enough to feel reassured. It seems this particular judge neither suffers fools gladly nor looks kindly upon those involved with organised crime. She has a record of handing down harsh sentences to people involved in those types of endeavours. It makes Rey feel reasonably confident that Snoke will be put away for the rest of his life, and she gets out of bed and starts preparing herself for work with a slight spring in her step .

The relative peace of her morning in the library contrasts with the nervous anticipation thrumming its way through her veins that she feels at Snoke imminently getting his just desserts. It makes it hard to settle on any one particular task, and so she flits about the space, turning her attention from one task to another. 

Part of her is feeling exhausted and strung out from the constant stress and anxiety, and not for the first time, she is glad her own life is usually relatively mundane and unremarkable. These last few months have been more than enough excitement to last her a lifetime, and while she would never ever change having met Ben, she looks forward to things being more normal again. She wants days out walking, then later on sitting cuddled together and reading to each other; she wants trips to second hand bookstores and thrift shops and his large warm hand in hers as they browse through the shelves; she wants lazy summer days filled with the green of the trees and them losing themselves in each others lips and bodies; she wants the easy domesticity and normality of a regular relationship. It’s in her grasp now, she reminds herself, so close she can almost taste it.

She visits Maz's at lunchtime, and the small woman looks at her knowingly as she serves her, peering over the top of her thick lensed glasses. 

“He’ll be home soon, then?” The woman queries, and Rey nods in response, smiling. She hasn’t actually told Maz that Ben is due to be home in 2 days, but as usual the older woman's sixth sense of these matters is making itself known. Either that or she’s been following the case in the media, and knows enough of Ben to deduce when he’ll be returning. Somehow, although not superstitious, Rey is more inclined to believe the former. 

“Good,” Maz says firmly, pressing her lips together, then gesturing with her towel. “Tell that boy I expect him to be here soon after he gets back. There’ll be a chocolate brownie with his name on it waiting for him.”

“I will do, I promise,” Rey reassures her.

Rey has opted for take-out so that she can sit out on the square in the fresh air, something she enjoys doing in the warming weather, and so Maz puts a lid on her takeaway coffee and wraps up her panini passing them over the counter to her. 

“Thanks Maz,” Rey says, fumbling in her bag for her wallet. 

The smaller woman holds her hand up. “On the house, my old bones feel like this is going to be a day for celebrating.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t,” Rey objects.

Maz frowns at her. “Yes you can and you shall, child.” She begins wiping at a spot on the counter. “These last months haven’t been easy for you, I know that. I’ve seen it in your eyes. It’s always in the eyes.” She looks up at Rey sharply, pointing her finger at her. “On the house and I’ll not hear another word said about it.”

Rey nods, giving up the battle and thanking Maz, before making her way out on the square to eat her lunch in the early afternoon sun, scroll through her phone, and people watch.

By the time her lunch break is over, she has discovered a journalist on Twitter who is due to be at the sentencing and will be tweeting out the details as they come, so later on in the afternoon she huddles in the corner of the cookery section, refreshing the journalists feed over and over. So it is that she knows precisely when the sentences are handed down and is aware of the outcome before Ben can even contact her. 

Her heart feels lighter than it has done in a long time when Snoke is given a life sentence without the possibility of parole. It’s what she expected after reading up about the Judge that morning, but somehow seeing the words there on her screen makes it hit home in a way it hadn’t until this very moment. She braces one of her hands against the edge of a bookshelf as her legs feel momentarily weak with the sheer sense of relief. He will die in prison, then, she realises, never able to breathe the free air again. She and Ben are safe, forever. 

She feels unduly pleased when Hux is handed down consecutive life sentences that will see him a doddering old man before he ever walks free again, if in fact he even lives that long. It’s doubtful, given the amount of time he has to serve.

She fires off a quick message to Ben, before pocketing her phone, a smile that she can’t quite suppress painting her lips. The library closes at 5.30pm on a Wednesday, meaning that she only has a couple of hours to wait before being able to get out of there and get back to her home. 

_Home_. 

That’s how she thinks of Ben’s place now. Her place. _Their_ place. While she’s still fond of her little flat, she feels settled and secure at Ben's, and she’s more sure than ever that she never actually wants to leave. After so long apart, with the heavy sword of uncertainty hanging over them, all she wants to do is be around him as much as she possibly can once he returns. She ponders on the idea of moving more of her things into his apartment over the next couple of evenings, before he returns, but a brief moment of uncertainty and insecurity that it might be too presumptuous stops that thought before it can progress any further.

Rey and Rose linger on the library steps talking for a while after work finishes. The clocks went forward over a month ago, and the evenings are getting lighter and lighter now as spring begins to whisper of the promise of summer. They stand in the full warm glow of the sun, its light casting the sharp lines of their shadows on the sandstone walls and flagged floor.

“So, are you actually going to end up moving back to your flat once Ben’s back?” Rose asks playfully. 

“Hmmm,” Rey pretends to ponder, twirling a stand of hair around her finger. 

Rose snorts. “Give it up, Rey. We both know you’re moving in. I’m happy for you, gods know you both deserve some happiness after all this crap.”

Rey looks at Rose, and she can almost feel her eyes sparkling with the joy in them. “Yeah, I’m staying,” she admits. 

“The dark lord will be thrilled,” Rose teases. “He’s finally fully won over his not-so-virgin-princess. Volume two coming soon, the sequel - The Dark Lord and His Willing Bride. It's a perfect Mills and Boon title don’t you think?”

Rey splutters, her cheeks warming what she imagines is pretty much crimson. “Bride?! No, who said anything about that?”

Rose snorts. “I’m telling you it’ll happen sooner or later,” she affirms.

“Oh shush,” Rey objects. It’s way too early on in their relationship for anything like that, but she can’t say she exactly _hates_ the idea of binding herself to Ben for the rest of her life. She’s kind of working off the assumption that they’ll always be together anyway, so it seems like a pretty logical progression. But she pushes it out of her mind as she bids farewell to Rose. She’s _20_ , surely much too early to be thinking of such a thing. 

The idea keeps popping into her head when she speaks to Ben that evening though. Images of herself clad in off-white, Ben in a well tailored suit and cravat, standing by her side and slipping a ring onto her finger before sealing his lips over hers. She sighs to herself, keeping these thoughts close and secret from him. Maybe one day.

*

Less than 24 hours to go before Ben arrives, before she finally has him back to herself and in her arms for a whole weekend. Oh, she knows he’ll be jet lagged and that the stress of the last couple of weeks has surely taken a huge and exhausting toll on him, but really she wouldn’t mind if he slept the entire weekend away. All she cares about is having him there next to her, about being able to feel the warmth of his skin and the soft puff of his breath on her face. _Like a touchable dream,_ she thinks to herself, echoing the words of the poem he had once read out loud to her, before saying it was about her. Her very own dream is almost within touching distance now, only one more conversation to be had through the screen just a couple of hours before he leaves for the airport. 

The day at work passes surprisingly quickly, Rey is surprised to find, and she soon finds herself back at home sitting and waiting for Ben’s call. When the computer first connects, she notices that he is pale, and that he smiles at her wanly at first. She can immediately read something dark lingering in the backs of his eyes. Her throat closes up instantly, thinking he’s about to give her the awful news that for some reason he can’t return to the UK. She swallows down on the sudden lump of sadness that lodges itself there, forcing herself to wait and see what he has to say. 

“Hey Ben,” she says, forcing a warm note of welcome into her voice, even as she hangs on tenterhooks, waiting for him to speak whatever it is that’s currently on his mind. 

“Hey sweetheart. I - I’ve just had some news. Literally just a few minutes before I called you.”

“Okay?” She replies, fighting the tears that threaten at the back of her eyes. 

“I- I don’t quite know how to process it. I mean it’s good news, but it feels weird to be happy about it... even though I am. I guess it’s just a shock, I mean I thought he’d be there forever, this presence in my life hanging over me-”

“-Ben,” she interrupts. “ _Tell me_.”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” he shakes his head at himself ruefully. “Snoke is dead.”

Rey’s heart feels like all the air has left her body, and she can’t seem to remember exactly how to breathe. This was not at all what she expected to hear and her mind struggles to parse it for a moment. “What? He’s what?”

“He’s dead. Gone, Rey. My mother just heard through one of her contacts. The press doesn’t even know yet. I’m sure they’ll have a field day with it.”

“But- why? How?” Rey stutters, a wave of emotions sweeping over her, swathing her mind in a confusion of conflicting feelings. It feels somehow...wrong to be glad that somebody has died, and Snoke certainly deserved to spend the rest of his years rotting in prison. Yet she can’t deny the profound lightness in her heart that seems to spread to the rest of her body as she processes the news that he has shuffled off this mortal coil. It’s a freedom even more intense than the one that she experienced when Snoke was sentenced yesterday, and it conflicts uncomfortably with a sense of guilt inside her that she would even feel that way about somebody dying.

Ben runs his hand through his hair, looking a little conflicted himself. “Well, as I said, I was working for a cartel once upon a time, and that work continued after I'd left. There were plenty of spats and skirmishes with rival cartels. We took out quite a few of them. Turns out that it’s not such a great idea to end up locked up in a confined space with people whose buddies you’ve killed.”

“Ohhh,” Rey breathes. 

“Yeah,” Ben agrees. “It happened this morning. I don’t have all the details, but what I do know is that it wasn’t pretty. My mothers contact told her that they really made him suffer. That they must have wanted to make him pay. I don’t know any more than that, and I don’t really want to, to be honest.”

Rey studies his face. There’s a lightness there that mirrors her own inner sense of freedom, but Ben is frowning and biting at his thumb, so she holds her silence, waiting for him to work through whatever it is that’s going on in his head. He’s silent for a while, thoughtful, but eventually he speaks. 

“It’s...weird. I mean, I’m glad he’s gone. It’s just for so long he was such a huge figure in my life. He was an expert manipulator and there was a time when he held such a sway over me, that even though I could feel what he was turning me into, I still would do exactly what he said.” Ben falters, scrubbing his hand over his face. “It’s hard to describe. There was always fear there, but he made me feel like that was the work I was made for; that it was the _only_ thing I was made for, even though I hated it, and hated myself. Even after I left, he was always there, the thought of him just hovering in the back of my mind. Knowing he was out there and that he knew what I’d done, that he knew what I...what I really was. I knew he was still out there, working his way through the world, causing pain and destruction.” Ben spreads out his hands, cupping empty air in his palms. “And now, he’s just...gone. And for the first time I feel free. Like, really, truly free.”

Ben’s lips curl up slightly, as though in wonderment. Rey answers it with a small smile of her own. “He’s your past now,” she tells him. “Let the past die. Let _him_ die. Don’t keep him inside your head. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you now.”

Ben nods. “He can’t hurt me now,” he echoes. His eyes come more into focus, zeroing in on her face as a grin works its way over his lips. “It’s time to focus on the future,” he says decisively. She sees him reach out to the screen, the camera making his hands looking even ridiculously larger than they already are, and she guesses that he’s tracing the outline of her face on the screen. “You are my future,” he says softly, adoration in his eyes.

“Not just me,” Rey reminds him. “Your writing is your future as well. The first novel’s out later this year, remember, and when you get back you’ll be able to carry on working on the second one.”

Ben grins ruefully. “Yeah, I haven’t exactly got a lot of writing done since I’ve been here.”

“I imagine not,” Rey agrees. “But once you’re home, you can focus on it properly. And you have friends here too, they’re all a part of your future as well. Rose, Poe, Finn. Kaydel too, though I know you haven’t met her properly. They were all rooting for you, you know. For us.”

“Really?” Ben says, as though surprised. “I wasn’t sure what the reception would be when I came back. Not now my history has been splashed all over the press.”

“They got to know you as you are now,” Rey soothes. “They can see the person who you are. They know why you did what you did in giving evidence at the trial. They trust my judgement. And most of all, they want us both to be happy. Yeah, when it comes to my friends, you’re all good.”

Ben heaves a relieved sigh. “That’s great. I’m happy. I really like them.”

“Good, cos I really like them as well, and it would be kind of awkward if you guys didn’t get along.”

Ben huffs a laugh, and Rey smiles at the sound. “Less than 24 hours now until we’re together,” she reminds him. 

Ben’s face softens immediately, and a warm and adoring look comes into his eyes as he leans towards the camera. “Less than a day,” he breathes, “Then I’ll have you in my arms again.”

Rey shivers happily at the thought. The problem, she thinks, will be that she will never ever want him to let her go again.

*

The following morning, Rey paces up and down near the arrivals section at Terminal 3 of Manchester Airport. There’s a flower shop conveniently placed within the terminal, for those who have decided to welcome home those they love with a touch of romance. She briefly ponders buying Ben a bunch of flowers before deciding against it. 

Getting here on time had involved getting up at the crack of dawn and catching an early bus and then train. She’d been so excited the night before at the prospect that Ben would be in her arms soon, that she hadn't slept particularly well, and she can feel that sleepy feeling lingering in her mind making her thoughts slightly fuzzy. It’s totally worth it though, to surprise him by meeting him unexpectedly. Plus Ben is travelling through what, for him, is his evening and night-time, so getting up early is the very least she can do. 

She looks up at the arrivals board for about the fiftieth time, even though she knows nothing on it will have changed or can offer any more information than she already has. His plane arrived a while ago and he is likely in baggage claim or going through customs right now. There’s an irrational fear in her that for some reason, no matter how long she stands here, he will never walk through those gates. This anxiety nibbles at the edges of her mind, and she forces herself to stop pacing, stand still, and face the gate, though she can’t help but keep moving restlessly from foot to foot.

Minutes stretch into what feel like hours as she keeps her eyes glued on the door he should be coming through. Travellers drift through in sudden rushes or in fits and starts, their cases trailing after them and creating a dull hum as their wheels run over the floor. Rey anxiously scans each small crowd, looking for the face that is most beloved to her, speared with disappointment every time he is not amongst the latest group of travellers disgorged from the door.

Eventually though, at long last, she sees him and her heart lifts as she feels a wide smile spread across her face. Nerves flutter in her stomach like caged birds desperate to get out. Will it still be the same between them after all this time separated? Will things have shifted, changed, with the weight of everything that has occurred? Will they be able to just pick back up where they left off? She bites her lip nervously.

Ben’s mop of raven hair towers above the passengers around him, and as the crowd swirls and shifts she notices that he’s dressed in black jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket. He pulls a case after him, with another bag slung across his body, as he gazes aimlessly a few feet ahead of him, a thoughtful smile on his lips. Rey steals these few moments to watch him, all unawares, to run her eyes over his face and memorise it over and over again. 

He has always been beautiful to her, his face fascinating from the very first time she set eyes upon him. But as she regards him in the flesh for the first time in months, she feels her body react viscerally. Her mouth goes dry, her heart thuds, and her core fills with heat at the sheer attraction she feels. Ribbons of black hair hang close to his face, and the raven strands look so touchable that her fingers tingle. There’s a carefree boyishness to his face, the lines of stress smoothed out, his brown eyes relaxed, but as intense and expressive as ever. An aquiline nose is balanced by his angular cheekbones and long face, scattered with constellations of beauty marks. Plush lips are quirked into a slight smile, and Rey is seized with a sudden desire to just _bite_ on that slightly pouty bottom lip. Maybe she will get a chance later. In short, he looks positively otherworldly in his beauty and not for the first time Rey wonders how the hell she ever managed to attract a man as extraordinary looking as him. 

He’s oblivious to her, his eyes not even scanning over the small crowd of people waiting that Rey lingers in, instead fixing his eyes on the exit and striding intently for it. The bloody fool. Rey rushes after him, and then scoots in front of him and he pulls up short, his eyes growing wide as he looks down at her, his mouth opening in a little ‘oh’ of surprise. 

She looks up at him from under her lashes, unaccountably shy all of a sudden. “Hi.” her voice is embarrassingly breathy and she feels a slight flush come to her cheeks. 

His chocolate eyes look on her with a laser focus, burning right to the very core of her, stripping her of everything else but her burning love for him. She can see the sudden sheen of wetness shining from his irises, the sunlight streaming through the glass door glancing off his unshed tears as his eyes rove over her face. 

“Hi,” he replies softly.

They hold each other’s gaze for a few moments. Rey is reminded suddenly of that first time on the town hall square after he had bought her coffee, when the winter air had been cold around them as they gazed at each other, the moment laden with an unspoken attraction that neither of them had admitted yet. Now it’s early summer, and last year feels like a lifetime ago, so much has happened since then, yet still there is that invisible crackle of electricity that seems to arc between them as they just look at each other. 

His hand comes up to cup her cheek. It’s warm and trembling slightly, as though he can’t quite contain himself, and he cradles her face softly in his palm. She lets out a sigh and leans into his hand as she smiles up at him. Then next thing, he’s bringing his face down, and his lips are on hers, warm and insistent that she open to him. His hand slides around from her cheek to cup her skull, fingers tangling through her hair as his other hand comes around her back and pulls her in so close it is as if he’s trying to fuse their bodies together forever. The firm warmth of him against her body nearly makes her knees go weak, and if he weren’t holding her so tightly to him, she expects she might crumple to the floor. 

His tongue strokes along hers as he kisses her thoroughly with a single minded intent. She feels like she’s falling, losing herself utterly in the warmth of his body against hers, the soft wetness of his mouth on hers. It’s like heaven. It’s like salvation. It’s like _home_.

She doesn’t know how long they kiss for, but it must be a while, because there’s a wolf whistle, followed by a shout of “Get a room!” from a gaggle of American teenagers. Ben pulls back and shoots them an annoyed glance, before leaning forward and resting his forehead against hers. Rey’s body is thrumming with electricity, every nerve alight at being so close to him again.

“Sweetheart,” he murmurs, his forehead still pressed to hers, both of his large hands coming up to cradle her cheeks. “Gods, it’s so good to see you.”

“You too Ben,” she whispers back to him, her much smaller hands coming up and encircling his wrists. “I missed you so much.”

Ben hums. “I am never being apart from you for that long again,” he promises, his voice soft and full of love. “It hurts too much.” He plants a kiss to her forehead, then pulls back still holding her face in his hands. The intensity in his gaze sweeps her away, burning out every hidden doubt, every anxiety that things may be even remotely different between them after him being away.

“I love you, and I’m so glad I’m home,” he tells her seriously. 

“Me too,” she replies, her voice a little wobbly - from the passion of his kisses or from the overwhelming emotion at seeing him again, she can’t tell. “I love you so much.”

He enfolds her in his arms then, and with her face pressed to his t-shirt she can hear the heavy reassuring thud of his heart in his chest, telling her that he’s alive, he’s well, he’s _here._ She could happily stay like that for a long while, the hustle bustle of the airport melting away around her as she immerses herself in the smoky sandalwood scent of him and breathes him in deeply. But eventually he gives a sigh, and pulls back.

“Let’s get out of here.”

*

They are mostly silent for the taxi ride back home, neither of them seeming to want to share their innermost thoughts with the driver. Instead, Rey sits pressed against his side, his arm slung around her and hugging her close into him, as she watches the landscape blur by through the window. 

When they finally make it back to his apartment and his door swings closed behind them, he drops his bags and then his leather jacket to the floor, sweeping his hair back from his eyes and pinning her with his gaze where she stands. They just look at each other for a moment, and then she’s striding towards him, he’s opening his arms to her, and she jumps and he catches her. His hands cradle her thighs as she wraps her leg around him and attacks his mouth with her own. 

She weaves her hands through his hair, sometimes tugging and angling his mouth just the way she wants as he stumbles his way across the apartment floor with her in his arms. Breathless words are spoken between their kisses, commitments and promises, sacred vows of love and devotion, but Rey couldn’t say who is speaking which words, as her head is spinning with the overwhelming relief and happiness of having him back. They bump into the bedroom door frame on the way in, and then again into the wall. Ben lingers there for a moment, pressing her back into the wall as they consume one another. 

“Long flight, need a shower,” he gasps, and Rey finds herself growling in frustration. 

“Don’t care,” she insists, inhaling the musky male scent of him. “You smell good enough to me.”

Ben shrugs fractionally, before sliding his hands further back and under her buttocks, squeezing and kneading at the softness he finds there. She can feel the hard length of him through his jeans, pressing insistently against her core and it sparks a fire in her like nothing she has ever felt before. She grazes her teeth over his bottom lip, before laying a trail of kisses up his neck, enjoying every one of his sighs and hisses. She sucks on his earlobe, and he jerks between her legs. “Ben,” she whispers into his ear huskily. “Bed. Now.”

Then he’s staggering backwards until the edge of the bed hits the back of his legs, and he sinks down until he’s sitting with her straddling his lap. 

“Missed this so much,” he tells her between frantic kisses, as his hands wander over her breasts, before finding the way to the hem of her top. She raises her arms, eager for him to unclothe her, and no sooner has he cast her top to the floor than he leans down to her collarbone, laying open mouthed kisses along the length of it. 

“I missed your skin, the way you taste, the way you smell,” he continues, his mouth hot against her neck as he laves at it with his tongue and scrapes his teeth over the spots that he knows make her shiver in the very best of ways. Rey lets out a little needy sigh. “I missed the way you sound when you sigh like that,” Ben continues, as he deftly unhooks her bra strap with one hand and lets it drop carelessly to the floor. He pulls back and looks at her, his eyes worshipful and cheeks flushed. “Most of all, I missed you. Just being with you. My light. My sunshine. My sweetheart.”

Her cheeks flush at the extravagant compliments. Ben smiles before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on each of her burning cheeks. “I missed these adorable blushes as well.”

“Oh shush,” she tells him, as she fumbles with the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it over his head and revealing the expanse of skin beneath, dotted with beauty marks. She wants to kiss her way around and over every single one of them, and she plans to do precisely that today, and then again for a second time tomorrow. She runs her hands over his well shaped shoulders and then down over his chest and abdomen, leaving goosebumps in her wake. His body is as gorgeous as ever, and her palms and fingers tingle as she strokes her way over every part of skin she can possibly touch. 

“You know what I missed about you?” She asks as she strokes her hands over his firm muscles, before looking up at him from under her eyelashes. He’s just watching her, awe in his eyes as her hands continue to sweep slow circles over him, and he shakes his head fractionally. 

“I missed your smile,” she tells him. “I missed your eyes and your mouth on mine. I missed you next to me in bed at night.” She places soft feathery kisses on his collarbone. “I missed your voice when you read to me, and I missed the taste of your food. I missed your kindness and gentleness. I missed the way you treat me like I'm something precious when we’re together.”

“Because you are,” he interjects smoothly, deep voice rumbling in his chest.

She inclines her head, accepting the compliment for now, before looking deep into his eyes. “I missed everything about you, and I always will when you aren’t here.”

Rey pushes herself back from his lap and stands for a moment, unbuttoning her jeans and pushing them slowly, deliberately to the floor until she’s standing before him in just her panties. Ben lets out a soft growl as his eyes run up and down her body, before settles his hands at her waist and pulls her towards him. His mouth meets her breasts, his lips and tongue working their way over them until her nipples are stiff peaks and there is an ache between her thighs that she desperately needs him to soothe. 

She nearly buckles when his fingers slip underneath the band of her panties and graze against her core, but his other arm is there holding her up and supporting her as his fingers explore her. Nights and nights without him, or nights when he was there only through a screen, Rey had found her hand often making its way between her legs, but that was nothing, _nothing,_ like the electricity that shoots through her body right now when he is actually touching her in person. His fingers slide their way skilfully over her most sensitive part and she bows forward, burying her head in his shoulder to stifle her moans. She is sopping wet for him already, her body craving his after so long apart, and his fingers slide easily inside her, dragging against her inner walls. Delicious heat blooms through her body as her arousal rises yet higher, but it’s not his fingers she wants to bring her to satisfaction on this, their first connection since he’s returned home. So she gently takes his wrist and urges his hand away.

He looks up at her quizzically as she pushes her panties down and kicks them off to join the growing pile of clothes on the floor. “Not like that,” she tells him as she pushes firmly at his shoulders to urge him to lie back on the bed. Ben scoots over to the middle of the bed and begins thumbing at the button of his jeans while raising one eyebrow at her. 

She climbs onto the bed, crawling over to him on her hands and knees, looking up at him shyly. “I want you inside me when I come,” she tells him, feeling her cheeks flush slightly. Ben’s eyes darken even as she watches, pupils dilating with lust as he strips off his jeans and boxer shorts.

“Come here then, beautiful girl,” he says simply, holding out his arms to her. She moves instantly, straddling him and leaning down to bestow hungry kisses upon his luscious mouth. He kisses her back with fervour, tracing his tongue over hers, sucking in her bottom lip between his. She can feel the hard length of him sliding underneath her wet core, steel sheathed in velvet, and she moves with him as he fumbles between their legs and then lifts her hips positioning her where they both need her to be. She sinks down onto him with relief, the space in her heart that had been so empty while he was gone filling up, even as his hard length fills her. Their eyes never once leave each other as he sinks inside her, and this is it, she thinks. This is how she feels whole, right, complete - bound together with Ben like this. The whole universe could end right now and she wouldn’t particularly care, as long as the both of them could stay here in their precious bubble.

His hands come up to cup her breasts as she begins to move up and down, her body undulating in waves as she pleasures herself on him, and gifts him the pleasure that being inside her brings. His mouth is open a little, his breath coming in soft little pants as he watches her intently, flicking his fingers over her nipples in a way that makes her clench down on him. Watching the beauty of his face becomes overwhelming, and eventually she has to lean down and capture his lips in hers again. His hands slide down her ribs and he grips her hips bruisingly, gaining some leverage to thrust up into her slowly and deliberately.

Eventually, Rey begins to whimper with need, craving for something harder and deeper, and he smiles up at her, knowing exactly what she needs from him to push her over the edge. With a sudden movement, he flips her over and cages her between his arms, before sliding into her again and setting a steady pace in exactly the way that she needs. 

She runs her hands over his sweat slick skin, scarcely able to believe he’s here with her, revelling in the musky scent of him and the way her breath whooshes out a little every time he drives into her. Her whole body thrums and tingles, and heat blooms deliciously out from between her legs, filling her veins with molten lava until she feels that she must be glowing with the intensity of the heat inside her. 

His eyes strip her raw as he looks down at her, the moans escaping from his mouth a sound more beautiful than the most exquisite of music. “More,” she begs him. “More.” She wills him to give her everything he can, because she needs it, because she needs to know that he will, and because she’s so damn close that she just needs a little more from him to push her right over the edge. 

He drives into her faster than ever, a choked “I love you,” tumbling from his lips, followed by her name - spoken like it’s precious in his mouth, like a prayer repeated over and over. It’s everything Rey needs and more, and her body goes rigid clenching around him as she tumbles over the edge, her mind whiting out as the pleasure sheets through her. Dimly, amid the cacophony of pleasure in her head, she hears Ben speak her name one final time, before he judders and pulses inside her. 

*

After they have cleaned up, Rey lies with her head on his chest, savouring the strong pulse of his heart in her ear, and the rumble of his voice vibrating through her as they talk.

He’s telling her about the last day he’d spent with his mother before returning to the UK. 

“How are things with Leia now?” Rey asks tentatively. 

There’s a slight silence, and then Ben replies. “Better. I mean, I’m not saying there aren’t issues there still, but I feel like we’ve both made a lot of progress in moving forwards. And I’ll be eternally grateful to her for all her support with the trial. Quite honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without he”

“That’s really great to hear,” Rey enthuses.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “I understand now how much she loves me. That the reason she disapproved so much of my past life was because of that love...You know, we visited my father’s grave one afternoon. I’ve never been since...since he passed.”

Rey leans up, looking down at him and seeing the echo of sadness in his eyes at the thought of the father he lost, lost before they could resolve their issues and forgive each other for the hurt they’d inflicted on each other. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t say at the time….it was all just too much and I was still processing,” Ben mutters apologetically.

“It’s fine,” she reassures him. “I get it. What was it like? Did it help?”

Ben purses his lips for a moment. “In some ways, yes. I asked my mom to leave me there for a while. I stood by the graveside, said the things I wanted to say. Said sorry for how things ended, sorry for being such a stubborn ass. I know he can’t hear me, it’s too late for that and it always will be. But at least I got some of it off my chest.”

Rey brings her hand up and cups his face. “That’s huge Ben,” she says softly. “Months ago, I don’t think you could have imagined doing that.”

“No, you’re right. It’s funny how things have changed with my family. Even though this whole thing with Snoke and the First Order has been truly awful, there are at least some good things that have come out of it, in the end at least.”

Rey strokes his face, watching as he gazes at the ceiling and unwinds his thoughts, so happy within to see how far he has come from the terse moody man she had first met. 

His eyes snap suddenly to hers. “And then there’s you,” he says, seriously. “I can never thank you enough. For being there for me, for fighting for me, for standing by me. It means everything that you would do that.”

Rey dips her head to press brush her lips against his chest, and hums against his skin, before looking back up at him with a glint of mischief in her yes. “Well, what else was I supposed to do Solo,” she mutters playfully. “You’d swept me well off my feet by the time this all kicked off, I could scarcely let you just disappear off into the distance like that.”

Ben snorts gently. “Seriously though,” he insists. “I mean it. It’s the first time I've really felt like anyone was on my side.”

She strokes his hair back from his forehead, and runs her hand thoughtfully down his cheek. “I’m always on your side Ben. Now and forever.” She presses a kiss to his lips, feather soft, before snuggling herself down onto his chest again. “So what’s next?”

“What’s next…” Ben ponders for a moment. “Well first of all, I’m wondering how long you’re going to be staying here.”

Rey smiles to herself secretively. “Well actually, I could do with heading back home sometime this weekend.”

“This weekend?” Ben echoes, his disappointment evident in his voice. 

“Yeah,” Rey replies. “I mean, I’ve a lot to do there. There’s the rest of my wardrobe to sort out, then all my books, goodness knows how many boxes that’s going to take up. Plus all my little knick knacks. It’s going to take a while to pack”

She feels Ben’s breath stop under her for a moment, before he pushes her from him and sits up, looking down at her, his eyes blazing. “A while to pack? Do you mean?...” He trails off as though he barely dares to speak the words. 

Rey rolls onto her back and nods up at him. “Yep. I'm moving in, if you’ll still have me.”

“If I’ll still have you? He says incredulously, leaning down low over her. “Rey, I’d be delighted. It’s everything I wanted.”

“Good,” she affirms, as their lips meet in a chaste kiss. “And after that?”

“After that? Well, I guess I’d best get working on this second novel. I’m going to need plenty of rest breaks from it though, you know to keep the inspiration flowing. Breaks for going for long walks through the woods with my beautiful girlfriend, or for wandering round the second hand shops together. Breaks for trying out some new recipes I got from my mother on you.”

Rey wriggles happily underneath him as he looms over her. “And breaks for...other indoor activities?” She says hopefully, and Ben lets out a low chuckle. 

“But of course,” he affirms. His fingers intertwine with hers, so she’s pinned gently to the mattress, and he’s looking down at her, all chocolatey eyes and messy hair, that roguish half smile on his lips. “We’ve got plenty of time for that,” he tells her, smiling down at her. “We’ve got the rest of our whole lives ahead of us.”

Rey sighs happily. Held there underneath him, with him wearing that smile that makes her heart beat a little faster, with him talking about the rest of their lives, she feels unspeakably safe and secure. The girl she once used to be years ago, that girl who was so desperate and lonely, so very alone in the world, the girl whose walls were so high that it was a battle to let anybody else in - that girl seems a million miles away now. She can dimly remember what it felt like to drift from place to face, forever feeling like she was anchorless, but it feels like a different lifetime. And though she will never forget what she went through and how it has shaped the person who she is today, the sharp edges of the memories now seem to softening and fading into the blanketing mists of history.

She feels like she finally has an anchor. She feels like she can finally put roots down and sink them deep.

“The rest of our lives,” Rey agrees, as their mouths meet in the warmest of kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post both chapter 24 and 25 (the two epilogues) as the same time next sunday


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just two short epilogues to go now guys!
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

_Autumn_

“This looks like the right place.” Leia looks up from her printed invite to the towering building in front of them.

Luke snorts and gestures at the wide glass windows behind which piles of books are stacked in stylish displays- including half a window filled with posters promoting his own nephew’s book launch event. “I don’t know, do ya think?”

Leia casts her twin a baleful glare before smoothing her face out as she turns to Rey for confirmation. “Yeah, this is it,” Rey confirms, fiddling with her hair for the fiftieth time since she has left the apartment. She wants to look absolutely perfect this evening, and has gone to some effort to put on a cute dress and makeup, and style her hair in a way that she knows Ben loves.

She eyes one of the posters attached to the window. It’s a black and white close up photo of Ben, his lips curling up in a slight smile, his hair coiffed to perfection. The same picture is on the back flyleaf of his novel, along with a short biography, and as usual he looks effortlessly handsome in it, as though he’s been posing for photoshoots all his life, as though he’s some type of model.

Ben’s publisher and agent had wanted the book launch for his debut novel held down in London. Ben had fought his case tenaciously, arguing that not _everything_ needed to always be in London, that the North was his home, and anyway Manchester was the unspoken capital of the North. As a city it was quite big enough and well known enough to hold his book launch. They had given way eventually. There were some further minor issues when Ben insisted the event be held in a large independent bookstore rather than one of the big chain names, but he’d also won out on that issue as well. 

Ben had left earlier to meet with his publisher and agent, and to get things organised and set up, bidding her farewell with a quick kiss to the lips and a nervous smile before sweeping out of the apartment. So here Rey finds herself, with his visiting mother and uncle in tow, hovering on the paved city street outside the large glass windows that have her wonderful boyfriend’s name plastered all over them. Not long after he returned home from the States, Ben had decided to ditch his pen name of Kylo Ren and instead to put his family name to his work. At first he had fretted to Rey that he was taking advantage of the publicity afforded to him by the trial, or riding on his mother’s coat tails as a well known author - before quietly admitting to her that it felt wrong to use a made up name on his own work, that he no longer minded being associated with Leia, and that the name Kylo Ren seemed a bit pretentious now after everything he’d been through. Rey had encouraged him in this, and so Kylo Ren was consigned to the past.

It had been a glorious summer, unlike any Rey had ever experienced before in her life, and now in the cooling air of an autumn evening, it seems like some sort of dream. But it had happened, and Rey had experienced every moment of it. As promised, she and Ben had been on many walks around the countryside surrounding their town, discovering new and beautiful places together, even sleeping out in the woods one weekend night when the temperatures lingered high and refused to cool down when the sun set, and it was unbearably hot in their apartment. He had cooked her a quite staggering variety of new dishes over the last few months, claiming that he was trying to “refine his skills.” He had also bought the long ago mentioned ice-cream making machine, and had been producing some quite delicious blends with it, Rey’s favourite of which is the Amaretto one. She had spent plenty of time with her friends - both with and without Ben, and various late night gatherings involving a not-insignificant amount of alcohol had taken place round the firepit in Poe and Finn’s garden. All in all it was an absolutely amazing summer, one she couldn’t even have conceived of years ago.

Ben’s nights were still troubled sometimes. Rey would still wake to the shaking of the bed and her boyfriend's soft uttered cries, his face twisting in anguish as he slept. But the dreams came much less often now, and didn’t seem to leave him quite so wrung out and haunted in the daytimes following, and she was glad of it. 

“Rey?” 

Leai’s softly spoken question interrupts her daydreams, and she focuses on the here and now again. 

“Oh yeah, sorry.” She checks her phone. “Rose and the others are just a couple of minutes away, I’ll tell them we’ll meet them in there.”

She taps out the message quickly and then pockets her phone, before making her way into the bookstore behind Luke and Leia. The event is on the first floor, and Ben’s slightly intimidating agent Bazine greets them at the top of the stairs.

“Mrs Organa-Solo,” the woman gushes, “Mr Skywalker! How wonderful to have two such well regarded authors at Ben’s book launch!” The woman teeters over them all in her impossibly high stilettos, looking for all the world as though she has just sprung fully formed from the cover of Vogue complete with scarlet lipstick and immaculately applied eyeliner. She’s clad in a form fitting dress, and now, knowing what she knows of Ben’s tastes, Rey can’t believe she once thought this woman was actually Ben’s girlfriend. 

Bazine directs them over to a table with drinks on and pours them glasses of wine, before ushering them towards an area where seats have been spread out across the floor. Large posters featuring the cover of Ben’s book and its title “Out of the Darkness” frame a small podium with a microphone, where Ben will be speaking and taking questions. The seats are filling up as the clock ticks towards 7pm, and Rey glimpses what looks like a press photographer and a woman with a pen and notebook, presumably a journalist, hovering at the side of the seating. 

Luke leans across Leia to whisper to Rey. “This is big for a first novel,” he comments. 

Leia tsks at him. “Well of course there’s going to be interest, given who he is and what’s happened. Ultimately he’ll be judged on the quality of his work though, and I think we both agree that it’s wonderful.”

All 3 of them had received a proof copy of ‘Out of the Darkness’, acquired for them by Ben. Given her boyfriend’s incessant secrecy over his work, it was the first time Rey had actually been allowed to read any of his book at all, and she had eagerly tucked herself away for the next few nights as she devoured the book, barely speaking to Ben. It was wonderful. Magical, heart-rending and wonderfully plotted, with beautifully drawn characters and a story that swept you right up and along with it until the very last word. She had cried after reading it, so moved was she by both the conclusion of the story, and by her boyfriend’s ability with the spoken word. 

Rey nods eagerly in response to Leia's words, and Luke huffs an agreement. “Fantasy's not exactly my genre,” the man rumbles. “But even have to admit, it’s pretty damn good.”

Just then Rey hears the sound of Poe’s distinctive laugh and she turns in her seat to see her four friends heading towards them. She can’t help the big grin that comes over her face at the sight of Rose, Kaydel, Poe and Finn.

“Hey guys!” She greets them. 

The slide into the seats behind her, Rose leaning over to give her a quick hug before sitting back in her seat. Next thing though, Rose's brown eyes are growing wide, and Rey runs her gaze along the line of her friends to see jaws dropping as Leia and Luke turn round to greet them. 

“Leia Organa Solo!” Finn squeaks.

“Luke Skywalker,” Rose breathes reverently. 

They all look ridiculously starstruck, and Rey rescues the moment by introducing them to Luke and Leia. Soon enough they are all chattering away like old friends, put at ease by Luke and Leia's easy manner. 

Eventually, they are interrupted by a loud thudding noise as Bazine taps on the microphone to get the room's attention. Rey looks around briefly. Every single chair is taken, and what’s more, there are so many in attendance that there are people standing at the back, unable to find a seat.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and book lovers, welcome,” Bazine says with a warmth that Rey previously wouldn’t have thought possible from her. “We’re so glad to have you here for the book launch of ‘Out of the Darkness’, book one of the Hardcastle Trilogy by Ben Organa Solo. The author is very excited to be here this evening, to give a short reading from the book, talk a little about his writing process, and to take any questions you have. Copies of the book are for sale,” Bazine gestures widely to her left, where there is a table stacked with copies of the hardback. “Ben will be happy to sign your copy after the talk. Without further ado, allow me announce Mr Ben Organa Solo.”

Someone must cue Ben, because he emerges from behind some shelves and makes his way to the podium, a copy of his book in hand. Rey watches as his eyes widen slightly in surprise at the sheer amount of people there, and notices him clench his the fist of his free hand to stop himself from running his hand through his hair with nerves. He looks positively edible, clad in a soft grey shirt that Rey bets will feel wonderful under her fingers, hair tamed into a semblance of neatness, lush locks curling around his neck and framing his face. 

He stops at the podium, swallows and clears his throat, and for just a moment he looks panicked, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. But then his eyes find Rey’s, and they soften in recognition. She smiles at him broadly and nods in encouragement. He fixes his gaze on her for a moment, as though he’s anchoring himself to her presence, and she sees him relax a little as he gazes at her. A smile comes to his lips, a secret smile just between the two of them, a smile that says _I love you,_ and _thank you for always being here for me_ and _you are everything_. He gives her a little nod and takes a deep breath, before he begins to speak. 

“Hi everyone. I’m Ben..."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the very last chapter!
> 
> Fic playlist can be found [right here.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7EZcMEUgDl7bXQU1kINsoK?si=KUkFiM0mTQGbSXlIH27WsA)

_Christmas Day_

Rey sips slowly on her mug of hot mulled wine, savouring the spicy taste of it in her mouth as she gazes through the large window at the snow falling in fat flakes beyond the glass. Cinnamon, nutmeg and clove warm her tongue deliciously, making her feel all cosy inside as she imagines what the temperature must be on the street beyond the window. Cold. Definitely cold. 

A hum of noise echoes from down the corridor, loud voices punctuated with laughter. Ben wasn’t kidding when he’d said that his mother had more friends than Rey could possibly imagine, and was never alone at Christmas. It’s really lovely to be part of a raucous celebratory Christmas where the conversation, jokes and alcohol are flowing freely, and even more lovely to have Ben there at her side and see the warm pleased looks his mother has been throwing frequently at the two of them. However, Rey had slipped away at an opportune moment while Ben was engaged in a deep conversation with his Uncle luke, wanting to seek out a few moments of peace and solitude for herself. 

They’d flown over 4 days previously, rocking up at the Organa Solo residence in a taxi with their suitcases, arriving to the sight of an impossibly large Christmas tree being negotiated through the front door. They had spent the next few days getting under the feet of various staff who were whirling around, engaged in the task of turning the house into a Christmas Wonderland. Leia had been much occupied with both them and the catering staff for the last few days, and Rey and Ben had been mostly trying to keep out of the way and not add to the already present chaos. However, the sheen of tears in Leia’s eyes, and the fond smile that spread across her face when Ben first walked into the house was something to behold. The way that she would always make the time to spend the evenings with them, and would lay her hand fondly on Ben’s hair at every chance she got told Rey everything she needed to know about how very welcome they were in Leia’s home.

Ben had now truly followed in the family tradition, by becoming a bestselling author. His novel had caused quite the stir, and if there were those who said at first that he was capitalising on his notoriety as Snoke’s former employee, or Leia’s son, those voices were quickly silenced by the sheer volume of critical acclaim that had been lauded upon him for ‘Out of the Darkness.’ The book had shot into the bestsellers list in time for Christmas, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever quite forget the delight on Ben’s face when he informed her of this just a couple of weeks ago. It’s everything he deserves and more. 

The second novel in the trilogy is coming along well, according to Ben. Rey cannot confirm or deny since he remains as secretive as ever about his work, but she has every confidence that the second book will be just as breathtaking as the first. She’s also managed to get Ben to plan to come and do a talk at the town library, something which he agreed to readily when she first presented the idea to him. Moreover, he had refused to take any fee for it, claiming that the local library had given him so much already that he couldn’t possibly repay them. The talk is at the end of January, and is already fully booked. 

Rey smiles to herself, breathing out a mist over her dim reflection in the window, watching the swirls and eddies of snow as they settle on the street beyond. 

Somebody clears their throat quietly behind her, and she spins to find Ben leaning on the doorframe. 

“Taking a break from the crowd?” He asks. 

Rey nods apologetically. “Yeah, just needed a bit of a breather.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asks, making Rey smile at the British-English idiom. He’s picking up more and more of them these days, the longer he stays in the UK. 

“I was just thinking over how wonderful this year has been,” she tells him. 

Ben hums. “Can we just erase the first half of it where I broke up with you and then had to come to the States for weeks? That bit wasn't so wonderful.”

Rey leans back on the window shelf, taking another sip of her mulled wine. “If you like. But if those things hadn’t happened, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today. Who knows.”

Ben begins to move towards her. “Plus,” she continues, “I’d do it all over again if it meant I’d end up with you, right here right now.”

He takes the last few steps towards her, and gently plucks the almost empty mug from her fingers, placing it on a side table before taking her hands in his, wrapping his fingers around hers warmly. 

“Is that so?”

She nods in confirmation, and he leans down and presses a soft kiss to her forehead. “My Rey,” he murmurs. “So wonderful to me. Whatever would I do without you?”

“I don’t know,” she answers cheekily. “You’d probably be in a right mess somewhere.”

A smile ghosts on his lips as his thumbs stroke over her wrists. “Probably,” he agrees. 

Rey watches as he looks over his shoulder, as if to check they are still alone, before clearing his throat and dropping one of her hands, running his free hand through his hair. She frowns slightly, puzzled. If she didn’t know better she’d say he was slightly nervous, but they’re just standing here in a quiet room, and there’s not exactly anything to be nervous about now compared to a few minutes ago. They both start speaking at the same time. 

“Ben, what-”

“Rey, I-”

They both laugh. “Go ahead,” Rey tells him. 

Ben clears his throat and swallows heavily, stuffing one hand into his pocket. “Rey, I want to ask you something.” She nods, perplexed as he looks down at his feet and shuffles them a little. Then he looks up at her again, and his gaze is so intense it feels like it will burn her. 

“You are everything to me,” he says, heartfelt. “ _Everything_. You changed everything for me and I can’t imagine my life without you in it, and I don’t ever want to.”

“Me neither,” she breathes. 

He pulls his hand from his pocket, and then he’s opening a small red velvet covered box, and it’s sitting there in the middle of his palm, a beautiful gold ring with an emerald and diamonds sparkling in the centre of it. Her heart feels like it’s stopped, and a fierce joy kindles inside her heart at what she thinks, what she _hopes_ he is about to ask her.

“This was my grandmother Padme’s,” he tells her. “My mother gave it to me when I was here months ago for the trial. She told me to keep it safe, that I’d need it one day. And she was right. I’ve been carrying it around for weeks just waiting for the right moment.”

She holds her breath and bites her lip as his eyes rove over her face, trying desperately to read her reaction. 

“What I’m trying to say is: Rey Kanata, will you marry me?” 

Tears sting her eyes as she throws her arms around him and half laughs, half cries into his shirt, “Yes! Yes!”

Eventually he untangles her from his body, sliding the piece of jewelry onto her ring finger as she sniffles away the last of her tears. She holds her hand out admiring it, watching the way the precious stones sparkle in the low lights of the room, and enjoying the way the warm gold wraps her finger snugly.

“It suits you,” he tells her, and she beams up at him, her heart full to overflowing. Her and Ben. Forever. She stands on her toes to capture his lips in hers, and he cradles her head as they kiss slowly, no hurry in their movements at all. 

Eventually Ben pulls away with a sigh. “We’d best go back, otherwise my mother will probably come looking for us eventually.”

“Did she know you were doing this today?” Rey asks curiously.

“Oh hell no, if she knew that she’d have wanted me to go down on one knee and ask you in front of the entire party. I wasn’t about to get into that debate with her.”

Rey snorts. “It’s going to take her about 10 seconds to notice this,” she observes. 

“I know,” Ben sighs, looking to the heavens as though seeking strength. “I’m preparing myself.”

Rey giggles. “I can only imagine how she’s going to react. Don’t worry, I’ll be right there by your side.”

“And I by yours,” Ben replies warmly. 

Rey casts one more look at the snow outside falling in slow silent flakes of white, before reaching for Ben’s hand. 

Then they head from the room, back into the sound of joy and laughter, back into the warm chaos of Leia’s home, her hand wrapped in his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay, finished at last! I hope this ending makes people happy. 
> 
> This fic started out with me saying about 6 months ago. "I'm gonna write a librarian/author modern AU, that's gonna be 30,000-ish words, 40,000 absolute max," but it took on a life of its own and here we are 100,000 plus words later xD. I just want to say thank you SO SO MUCH to all the people who have read along as it was posted, and to everyone who has left kudos and comments. I really apppreciate you all. The hits, comments, and kudos have really kept me going, especially during the weird times we are living in, and have helped me to have faith in my writing. 
> 
> If you've enjoyed my writing here, I have a post-TLJ force-bond fic that I've been working on alongside this and which I am now focusing on completing. If you fancy checking that out, here it is: [I Am An Island, You Are The Ocean](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26174194/chapters/63689881). After that i'll be working on another modern-AU which I am currently planning out. 
> 
> Thank you, and may the Force be with you, always.


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